http://www.southeastchristian.org/Default.aspx?page=4754&sermon=164
Craig was a part of another sermon this past weekend. (link above)
More to come, I just wanted to go ahead and get this posted for the out-of-town blog followers.
Lots of tears this weekend, thankful, heartbroken hurting, just tears. I think I am all out of tears.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Sunday, February 24, 2013
My Morgan turns 6
Morgan Elizabeth turned 6 on Friday. She had some trouble thinking about her birthday this year without her daddy being here. She remembered he was here last year and even the year before he could swim with her to celebrate but this year he was going to be absent. For the past couple weeks we have worked through some of the questions she had about what Craig is doing in heaven and really coming to terms with where we are without him. One discussion at bedtime was what was he doing. We came up with several scenios on how he could be celebrating Morgan's birthday there while celebrate it here on earth. We came to the conclusion that we still have a good time with all that we have going in our house and he has a good time where he is then it was "okay". We would rather be together but we are happy for him and we are still happy here so we were "okay". These things don't come easy as I type that paragraph there is a lot more to it than one conversation at bedtime. But that was the overall conclusion after much discussion with art therapist, reading through scriptures about heaven, emails with teachers, etc etc. It is a lot for all of us to work through but we are committed to it and each time we do we are a little closer and are a little more healed than the day before.
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| I made the girls a "Daddy book" it is full of picture of them and Craig through the years. She got the first look for her birthday. They love it. |
Morgan did enjoy her birthday. I came down with a stomach bug the night before but slept most of the day on Friday so by the time they got home from school I could rally and make it a special occasion for Morgan.
Morgan Elizabeth has been a fun-loving, hard-working, busy-bee from the get-go. She was in a hurry to get here (and landed me on bed-rest at 32 weeks pregnant) and hasn't slowed down since. She keeps me on my toes but is always willing to use the energy that God gave her to help others (especially her mom). She has made a ton of friends this year in school and she is a natural leader.
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| She was a tough baby but a really fun toddler. :) |
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| I love this picture. You can tell they are polar opposites but the best of friends. |
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| Happy 6th Birthday Morgan! Love you. |
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Happy Valentine's Day
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| Hannah was not happy she had to wait for a chocolate muffin for a picture. |
Happy Valentine's Day!
1 John 4:19 "We love because he first loved us."
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Thankful Thursday
The little things:
1. A new YMCA opened close to our house and we joined! The girls LOVE the indoor water park and I am really enjoying some of the classes as well as the walking track. It has been really good for us on those cold days where we need to get out of the house but it is still too cold to play in the backyard or go to the park.
2. NUTELLA. hello.sweet.goodness. We just discovered this dream.
All joking aside we have so much to be thankful for and we are moving forward and growing as time moves on. We seem to have gotten into a good grove around here. There are always a few hiccups through the day where it is very evident there is only one of me and three of them but for the most part we are doing great as a family unit. Getting through the holidays was a huge hurdle. January was a month of growth and set the tone of a new year and a new beginning. Emily doesn't look the same kid that she did in December. Morgan is reading more and more. I see a desire in her to learn more than I have in the past and a new confidence in herself. Hannah is getting bigger and bigger everyday. She literally grows overnight. One day she couldn't reach the water in the sink to wash her hands and I swear the next morning she could.
I feel like I am growing as well. It has been a challenge and I can see where some widow(er)s get "stuck" in grief for years. There are times that I wish I had the "luxury" to sit in a puddle of my own tears for days/week/months/years missing Craig. I feel closer to him when I am down about him not being here but I know I have to continue to learn who I am without Craig. I just don't have the time to sit and cry. The other day I took 10 minutes to sit in my closet and cry that Craig wasn't coming home from work. In that time Hannah had somehow busted out of her bed that she was supposed to be napping in and Emily and Morgan tried face timing my brother in the middle of the day while he was at work a couple times. Image if I stayed in the closet crying for weeks... for as sweet and wonderful as they are, they could do some real damage if I decided to fall apart for an extended amount of time.
There was a night that I was driving home and a rap song came on the radio. It was sooo old-school and it brought back so many great memories. I was crying and smiling through the whole song. I think I am the only widow that might cry and laugh through "No Diggity," "Biggie Big Poppa," "Hypnotize," or Flo Rida's "Low." We had fun in college and had plenty of dance parties with the old school hits with the girls. Craig knew all the words to every song (seriously, it was ridiculous). He was a fun rapping banker...can't find those around every corner. :) It is an awesome gift to miss someone so much that you can cry and laugh at the same time when thinking about memories shared together. And above all the silliness and goofy fun Craig wanted the best for us. He helped make this house as strong as it is so that we could move forward each day. The more that I put one foot in front of the other the more I am growing and even becoming a different person. Cancer changes perspective and it has been difficult to work through those bad memories but as we continue to walk through the fire we are blessed with rays of hope. We have settled into new normal and embracing each day.
Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Craig, if there are blogs in Heaven, we love you, we miss you and we will see you again.
1. A new YMCA opened close to our house and we joined! The girls LOVE the indoor water park and I am really enjoying some of the classes as well as the walking track. It has been really good for us on those cold days where we need to get out of the house but it is still too cold to play in the backyard or go to the park.
2. NUTELLA. hello.sweet.goodness. We just discovered this dream.
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| Hannah loves Nutella. |
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| Emily's new glasses and missing her front teeth |
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| Miss Morgan |
I feel like I am growing as well. It has been a challenge and I can see where some widow(er)s get "stuck" in grief for years. There are times that I wish I had the "luxury" to sit in a puddle of my own tears for days/week/months/years missing Craig. I feel closer to him when I am down about him not being here but I know I have to continue to learn who I am without Craig. I just don't have the time to sit and cry. The other day I took 10 minutes to sit in my closet and cry that Craig wasn't coming home from work. In that time Hannah had somehow busted out of her bed that she was supposed to be napping in and Emily and Morgan tried face timing my brother in the middle of the day while he was at work a couple times. Image if I stayed in the closet crying for weeks... for as sweet and wonderful as they are, they could do some real damage if I decided to fall apart for an extended amount of time.
There was a night that I was driving home and a rap song came on the radio. It was sooo old-school and it brought back so many great memories. I was crying and smiling through the whole song. I think I am the only widow that might cry and laugh through "No Diggity," "Biggie Big Poppa," "Hypnotize," or Flo Rida's "Low." We had fun in college and had plenty of dance parties with the old school hits with the girls. Craig knew all the words to every song (seriously, it was ridiculous). He was a fun rapping banker...can't find those around every corner. :) It is an awesome gift to miss someone so much that you can cry and laugh at the same time when thinking about memories shared together. And above all the silliness and goofy fun Craig wanted the best for us. He helped make this house as strong as it is so that we could move forward each day. The more that I put one foot in front of the other the more I am growing and even becoming a different person. Cancer changes perspective and it has been difficult to work through those bad memories but as we continue to walk through the fire we are blessed with rays of hope. We have settled into new normal and embracing each day.
Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Craig, if there are blogs in Heaven, we love you, we miss you and we will see you again.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Widows with babies Prayer
http://www.widowschristianplace.com/2013/01/pray-for-widows-with-babies.html
Lord God,
I pray for widows with babies and young children today. I never knew of such a tragedy before--even pregnant women can become widows--yet now I now of several, and how my heart goes out to them.
First, I pray for these young mothers. Please strengthen them through your servants in their church, through their family and through their friends.
Make these people sensitive to their needs. Give them eyes to see, ears to hear, and a sensitive spirit that can tune in to the needs of a widow and her children.
Burden them to pick up an extra gallon of milk and package of diapers when they're in the grocery store. Burden them to pray for her as they shovel the snow from their driveway, replace the brakes of their car, fill their gas tank or grocery cart---may they go do the same for the widow in her time of need.
And, Lord, your Word says that you gently lead those who have young. This is for all moms, but I pray you'd especially fulfill this promise for the widowed mom with little ones. Guide her to green pastures where she will find peace. Give her income, and the wisdom to manage it well. Give her kindness from her employer, kindness from strangers and rest from her worries.
I also want to pray for her children. May you be a father to the fatherless. Rest your Spirit upon her children, that they may grow strong in their convictions and leadership. May they know your holy power and love with great certainty and honor. Give them a love for their mother; protect them from bitterness and selfishness; grant them a heart of gratitude and the ability to see your generosity and goodness to them.
Now, Lord, encourage these widows with babies and little ones. Encourage them with your presence. May they each see your fingerprints over all the circumstances of life--not only the miraculous, but also the mundane. May they sense your love and watch care over them and their babies this very day and everyday.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
This prayer touched my heart and I do hope that people pray like this for us. Ferrees is a former widow and has recently written a book. I follow her blog from time to time. It is rich with resources and support. Thanks Ferree for being obedient to God's calling to you and keeping up the blog and being such an encouragement.
Isaiah 40:11 He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.
Lord God,
I pray for widows with babies and young children today. I never knew of such a tragedy before--even pregnant women can become widows--yet now I now of several, and how my heart goes out to them.
First, I pray for these young mothers. Please strengthen them through your servants in their church, through their family and through their friends.
Make these people sensitive to their needs. Give them eyes to see, ears to hear, and a sensitive spirit that can tune in to the needs of a widow and her children.
Burden them to pick up an extra gallon of milk and package of diapers when they're in the grocery store. Burden them to pray for her as they shovel the snow from their driveway, replace the brakes of their car, fill their gas tank or grocery cart---may they go do the same for the widow in her time of need.
And, Lord, your Word says that you gently lead those who have young. This is for all moms, but I pray you'd especially fulfill this promise for the widowed mom with little ones. Guide her to green pastures where she will find peace. Give her income, and the wisdom to manage it well. Give her kindness from her employer, kindness from strangers and rest from her worries.
I also want to pray for her children. May you be a father to the fatherless. Rest your Spirit upon her children, that they may grow strong in their convictions and leadership. May they know your holy power and love with great certainty and honor. Give them a love for their mother; protect them from bitterness and selfishness; grant them a heart of gratitude and the ability to see your generosity and goodness to them.
Now, Lord, encourage these widows with babies and little ones. Encourage them with your presence. May they each see your fingerprints over all the circumstances of life--not only the miraculous, but also the mundane. May they sense your love and watch care over them and their babies this very day and everyday.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
This prayer touched my heart and I do hope that people pray like this for us. Ferrees is a former widow and has recently written a book. I follow her blog from time to time. It is rich with resources and support. Thanks Ferree for being obedient to God's calling to you and keeping up the blog and being such an encouragement.
Isaiah 40:11 He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Gratitude turns what we have into Enough
The sermon this week was on generosity and giving. Tithing. I love the way SE tackles this topic year after year. Tithe has little to do with money. It has to do with where your heart truly is. The majority of the sermon this week was about being content with what you have. This is a hard lesson in our culture today. It seems even the word contentment is a bad thing b.c it sounds like you are settling. God doesn't want us to settle for a mediocre life. He wants us to live the life that He gave us to the fullest. He gave us mountains to climb, rivers to swim in, snow to ski on, beaches to build castle on etc etc. He wants us to enjoy the gifts that He has given us and be grateful for them. Every little thing. If you are struggling with something whether it is a disease, or financial issues, marriage problems, etc the quickest cure is gratefulness. It will not take the struggles away but it will put them in perspective and make them manageable. Our culture strives for perfection and it is not realistic which is why there are so many people so incredible depressed and searching for the next thing or person to comfort them. It can be exhausting b.c they are just wasting so much time, money and energy jumping from one quick "fix" to the next.
If you followed our cancer blog Craig was ALWAYS thankful regardless. Although he struggled in the cancer journey he was ALWAYS so grateful for the things that he had. He was an amazing example of someone that could handle any situation with grace and strength b.c of his attitude of continuous gratitude. What an amazing legacy.
"For where your Treasure is there will your Heart be also." Matthew 6:21
If you followed our cancer blog Craig was ALWAYS thankful regardless. Although he struggled in the cancer journey he was ALWAYS so grateful for the things that he had. He was an amazing example of someone that could handle any situation with grace and strength b.c of his attitude of continuous gratitude. What an amazing legacy.
"For where your Treasure is there will your Heart be also." Matthew 6:21
Friday, January 25, 2013
TEAMHOPE
http://www.kintera.org/faf/search/searchTeamPart.asp?ievent=1036967&team=5372584
Here is our TEAMHOPE page. Last year we had three team members who raised $4500 (awesome!!). This year we would love to add more members to the team. If you are signed up for the mini and want to run for a purpose then join TEAMHOPE in memory of Craig. We will probably make a day of it and meet up after the race.
Here is the link to sign up for the DERBY mini marathon on April 27th. http://derbyfestivalmarathon.com/
There will be a large cheering section this year as well so if you are not a running but want to cheer on TEAMHOPE we will have a meeting spot and be wearing purple. If you are not a runner or a cheerleader but still want to support the team then click on the link and make a donation.
Craig wanted to make big changes for the people that are facing Pancreatic Cancer. This is a great way to support his efforts.
Happy Training TEAMHOPE Runners!
Here is our TEAMHOPE page. Last year we had three team members who raised $4500 (awesome!!). This year we would love to add more members to the team. If you are signed up for the mini and want to run for a purpose then join TEAMHOPE in memory of Craig. We will probably make a day of it and meet up after the race.
Here is the link to sign up for the DERBY mini marathon on April 27th. http://derbyfestivalmarathon.com/
There will be a large cheering section this year as well so if you are not a running but want to cheer on TEAMHOPE we will have a meeting spot and be wearing purple. If you are not a runner or a cheerleader but still want to support the team then click on the link and make a donation.
Craig wanted to make big changes for the people that are facing Pancreatic Cancer. This is a great way to support his efforts.
Happy Training TEAMHOPE Runners!
Friday, January 18, 2013
Even if - continue
Okay I am still on blog hiatus... no really I am... but I need to do a quick Thankful Thursday (on Friday). Yesterday (Craig's B-day) was harder than I imaged it would be. So many questions were magnified the biggest one of course is WHY? Why couldn't he been given the gift of a 35th Birthday on earth? Lots of tears in between the normal things of the day. Tears that bring healing are not in vain. And although I could remain in the motion of constantly asking God why? I choose to trust. It gets harder with every holiday or special day that hurts so badly but working through those time brings peace that only the Lord can provide the next morning.
My Thankful Thursday goes out to be peeps that I met up with for ridiculous conversation topics over a beer, including beards: how annoying they are, how hot Elizabeth Shoe (sp?) is, coo-coo dates, how to tie a tie, and a general update on the Price is Right. It felt good to talk about something else and laugh. What a blessing.
Last year these people were a blessing in so many ways. It is awesome to have friends that know how to have a good time regardless of the circumstances. Laughter is the best medicine and we have always been blessed with people that could laugh at and with each other. Ecclesiastes 3 says there is a time for everything. I has been blessed with friends that can laugh and cry within 15 minute span of time.
My Thankful Thursday goes out to be peeps that I met up with for ridiculous conversation topics over a beer, including beards: how annoying they are, how hot Elizabeth Shoe (sp?) is, coo-coo dates, how to tie a tie, and a general update on the Price is Right. It felt good to talk about something else and laugh. What a blessing.
Ecclesiastes 3
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Thank you for all the prayers, text messages, facebook post, voice mails etc. We made it through another first and woke up the next morning feeling blessed. That doesn't happen without prayer!!
Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, we love you, we miss you and we will see you again.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
blog hiatus
There wont be much blogging going on in January. Work is nuts and it hard to keep up with three kids, a job and blog on top so just a warning there won't be too much on here this month.
Craig's birthday is tomorrow and I am not sure what to do with that date. It seems like a reminder that his life was cut too short. I know that God has a plan, we are just visitors on this earth and Craig is at Home but the fact that he didn't see age 35 is hard.
For the new year this blog may take a different turn. Grief and making a new normal isn't really a journey that needs a huge cheering section. It needs prayerful intimate friends and Godly support. It needs a lot of quiet time and reflection rather than a committee of cheerleaders. Our cancer journey needed a huge cheering section and taking our blog followers along on that journey fullfilled that need in a MAJOR way. God was so good to us in the form of supportive friends that fed us, patted us on the backs at church and in meetings, loved on us, and mostly prayed for healing on our behalf.
As we continue down the path as a family of 4 rather than 5 journey I need to stop and think about my family's needs. It hard to really put into words what losing a spouse does to other relationships. I have said it many times, it changes everything (!). I have found myself trying to gloss over somet hings to save feelings just to keep the blog going. That has never been the purpose of a Merimee blog to just keep it going. The original blog's purpose was to keep people up to date with cancer happenings. It turned into much more and the Ultimate purpose was to bring God all the glory. This blog purpose is the same, to bring God all the glory. Until I can figure out how to do that... we are on hold and if you need me I will be buried in media buys for a month.
Please continue to pray for our family even though you don't get a blog update.
Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, we love you, we miss you and we will see again.
Craig's birthday is tomorrow and I am not sure what to do with that date. It seems like a reminder that his life was cut too short. I know that God has a plan, we are just visitors on this earth and Craig is at Home but the fact that he didn't see age 35 is hard.
For the new year this blog may take a different turn. Grief and making a new normal isn't really a journey that needs a huge cheering section. It needs prayerful intimate friends and Godly support. It needs a lot of quiet time and reflection rather than a committee of cheerleaders. Our cancer journey needed a huge cheering section and taking our blog followers along on that journey fullfilled that need in a MAJOR way. God was so good to us in the form of supportive friends that fed us, patted us on the backs at church and in meetings, loved on us, and mostly prayed for healing on our behalf.
As we continue down the path as a family of 4 rather than 5 journey I need to stop and think about my family's needs. It hard to really put into words what losing a spouse does to other relationships. I have said it many times, it changes everything (!). I have found myself trying to gloss over somet hings to save feelings just to keep the blog going. That has never been the purpose of a Merimee blog to just keep it going. The original blog's purpose was to keep people up to date with cancer happenings. It turned into much more and the Ultimate purpose was to bring God all the glory. This blog purpose is the same, to bring God all the glory. Until I can figure out how to do that... we are on hold and if you need me I will be buried in media buys for a month.
Please continue to pray for our family even though you don't get a blog update.
Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, we love you, we miss you and we will see again.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Paci, glasses, and another missing tooth
It snowed!! It was beautiful. We were in NKY for my cousin's wedding this past weekend. The snow was a beautiful backdrop to a very special wedding. It was so pretty. Although not really peaceful as we ran from one event to the other but never the less we tried to enjoy the scenery.
Emily got glasses on Thursday. She doesn't need them to see but she can see much clearer with them and so far tends to wear them 95% of the time. This isn't a great picture but she looks adorable in them. Her front tooth also came out this morning at the breakfast table while eating her frosted wheat squares.
In late December, Joshua, our Elf on the shelf collected all of Hannah pacifiers and took them back to Santa who gave them to a baby that kept crying and crying. Now that that baby has Hannah's pacis she doesn't cry any more. This is a big deal for a 2 1/2 year old with a big paci addiction. She took it pretty well other than yelling at Joshua to give her paci back but after that not too many request. Accepted it like a champ... I really didn't think it would go that well. Honestly I didn't think it would work at all or I might have relished the adorable paci baby face one last time before Joshua took them away.
These are all things that Craig is missing out on. Our girls are growing up one little milestone at time. Although these events are not as monumental as graduations, weddings, first cars but when you have kids these are the little things that you celebrate each day. I celebrate my kids growing and changing b/c they are doing so well but it is so incredibly bitter sweet to see them growing up know what Craig is missing. Emily doesn't even look like the same kids as when Craig was alive. Hannah wasn't even talking and now she is speaking in full paragraphs with words like "decorations". It is so very bitter sweet. Someone said that after the year mark and once I get the first out of the way the grief seems to ease up a bit. I do hope so but I think for the rest of my life as I watch our girls grow into fabulous people it will be bitter sweet. There won't be a missing tooth, a set of braces, a heart break, a great report card, a dance recital, soccer game etc. that I won't think, man Craig is missing it. In March and April it was easier b/c I was basically maintaining the life that we made for our kids. But as time goes on our lives are looking less and less like they did a year ago. The conversations are different, the hopes and dreams have changes. Possibilities are endless and we are open to God's plan whatever that might be. But it is hard. Change is difficult even if is is good change that brings growth. It is hard. There are pieces of our lives that look the same but cancer and death changes EVERYTHING. And when I say everything.... I mean EVERYTHING. The new friendships that I have developed over the last year mean a lot to me but the thought that Craig doesn't even know some of these people still takes me back. For 15 years we ran around in the same circles and shared the same friends but time goes by and things change.
I am rambling. We did have a good Christmas. The girls were so very joyful so I road on their coat-tails for Christmas Day. After that we were prepping for the trip to NKY for the wedding so there wasn't too much time to think about it. New Year's Eve was very hard. To start a year without Craig in my life was a bit overwhelming. There was more to it than that but it was a weepy day but at the end of the day I was grateful to have the life that I do with the friends and family that I love. I did see midnight but it was cozy in my bed on the phone with a dear friend.
I am hopeful for 2013 in many ways. I am not sure how much to share on this blog besides grief and the great things the girls are doing but I will share that I am praying for continual healing so that our family will eventually be joined with another family (cue Brady bunch theme music...) or if God so chooses a Godly man that doesn't have children of his own that is fine too. Whatever the case I pray for a year of healing so that we can eventually welcome that addition. God made certain people to be wives and I am just one of those people. I love being a part of a team and I pray that God doesn't wait a ton of years to send someone special to our household.
Anyway. Just wanted to update a little bit. Our Christmas was peaceful and joyful, thank you for the prayers. Please pray for continual healing so that we can welcome God's plan for our future.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Praying for snow
We are keeping busy with this low-key Christmas which helps heal and truly remember the reason for the season. Today we have baked and crafted and in a bit we are going to visit with Craig's family and exchange gifts. We are doing things a little different this year and keeping things really simple.
I took a walk early this afternoon and cranked up the itunes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcWO3obUhWM as I walked up to Craig's graveside and I listened to "The Reason for the World" which we had in his funeral service. As I walked away and moved throughout the path of the cemetery I listened to "Jesus Paid it All" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7QQGPv1Ikc. We have to remember Easter to understand how important Christmas is. I have been praying for snow for a couple weeks now. There is nothing like the peacefulness of a fresh snowfall. There is a stillness that only the Lord provides. My soul could really use that scene out my french doors. Something like this... well I don't have a lake (yet!!) but you know what I mean.
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| Be still and know that I am God...Psalm 46 |
continuing...
Tonight we exchanged gifts with Craig family but didn't stay for dinner as we normally do. I couldn't sit at the table without Craig there this year. We had a blast opening gifts but it was just too much to do dinner this year. Maybe next year.
There are moments where this has unbearable but I have to believe that God has a plan. I trust His plan. Aunt Janie and I talked in the driveway a little bit tonight as we were leaving to go to a friends house for dinner. She reminded me to to be thankful for the time that I had with Craig. Craig and I were engaged on Christmas 2000 and even if someone told me how our marriage would have ended in the way that it did after only 10 years I still would have married him. I would have done it all over again b/c he made me a better person for knowing him and being married to him. He was one of the biggest blessing of my lifetime and even if I knew the ending to our story I still would have done it again and again.
So I am sitting waiting for little ladies to doze off so that I can let Santa in the front door since we don't have a chimney. We are starting a new tradition this year and we are reading the Christmas story before we open gifts. It is important that we remember why we are celebrating before we tearing into piles of wrapping paper. Today was hard but we are making through because we feel God's peace and love. We are healing with each tear and we are hopeful for the future. We are thankful for the friends and family that continue to pray for us and support us through this journey. And we are Joyful about the reason for the season.
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| If you didn't get a Christmas card from us here it is. |
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| If I hadn't already send the nice card out this would have been our Christmas card and it would have said, "We have had an a$$ of a year but we are still celebrating." And yes she is completely naked... b/c... well that's our Hannah. You just have to laugh at her. Plus she is so darn cute... both ends of her. |
Merry CHRISTmas from the Merimee girls!!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Perpective
If you haven't gotten some perspective on how fragile life is with the recent event in Newtown CT you must not be paying attention. I didn't watch the news reports after the shooting but I did want to pay my respects to the victims and their families so I looked at their pictures online. I don't understand the grief of losing a child but I understand loss. I pray the family's homes are filled with the Peace and Hope that knowing the Lord can bring.
I have been keeping very busy the last week. Busy is very good right now. The girls are SOOOOO very excited for Christmas. They are going to be thrilled with some of the gifts under the tree. I am so excited to see their faces when they open certain gifts. I have been so very down about this Christmas and not having Craig here. I am not just sad about this Christmas but the fact that I have about 50 more without him before we celebrate together again. I am trying to stay in the moment but it is so very overwhelming to anticipate the future. I worked on Emily's Christmas party at school since I am one of the room moms. I picked out a book and had a craft go along with it. I picked the Legend of the Candy Cane so we could get the true meaning of Christmas integrated in the party. I was down that morning but kept praying for strength so that I could entertain 24 busy little 1st graders. As I pulled out of the neighbor heading to school I peaked over at the cemetery Craig is buried in. There was a funeral on the little hill where the babies are buried. The tiny rack was waiting for the miniature casket to by placed on it and the tent was set up for the family to arrive soon. I prayed in the parking lot before going into the party. As I signed in the school office staff let me know that they were having a lock-down drill 10:15 in the middle of the "Holiday" party. Mr. Morris came over the intercom and informed the building to begin the lock-down drill. The children filed under the corner desk away from the door and Ms. B covered the window on the door. You could hear a pin drop throughout the halls and there was a sobering feeling knowing that some of the classrooms in CT would have heard gunfire throughout their halls just three days prior. The kids weren't rattled at all but the moms that were there to help with the party were. Most commented afterwards they prayed through the whole drill or they would have cried for the full 15 minutes. Life is fragile. I am so incredibly grateful for the family that I have. We mourn the loss of Craig this Christmas and there will be tears but there is so much to be joyful about. My girls are thrilled about the Christmas. They know the true meaning of the holiday and they value the family unit that we have. I loved my girls when we were a family of five but I feel so much more close to them now that I realize how fragile life is. I adore them. They are amazing little people and I am so grateful for the family of four that I have.
The true meaning of Christmas is the birth of Christ. That gives us Hope and Peace in all circumstances. So many of the Christmas special try to say that the meaning of Christmas is spending time with family and friends. While their intentions of trying to get away from the commercialism is at step in the right direction it still falls short of the magnitude of the truth. Although we will miss Craig this Christmas it doesn't take away from the fact that God gave His only Son to us to save us. Even know I will miss Craig for the next 50+ Christmases the fact that at some point I will celebrate with him again and for the following 50,000,000,000+ years brings me great joy. That is the reason that God sent Jesus and that can definitely be celebrated! I am committed to work through the grief of missing my beloved husband and friend but my faith tells me to cherish those who I have with me to celebrate now and focus on the true meaning of Christmas.
Craig, I miss you, the changes in our life are so hard but we are doing well as a "all-girl party"...until we see you again (which btw I was a little disappointed the Mayans were wrong). I can't tell you Merry Christmas or I will break down in tears and Hannah is sitting next to me watching the Grinch for the third time today...love you.
I have been keeping very busy the last week. Busy is very good right now. The girls are SOOOOO very excited for Christmas. They are going to be thrilled with some of the gifts under the tree. I am so excited to see their faces when they open certain gifts. I have been so very down about this Christmas and not having Craig here. I am not just sad about this Christmas but the fact that I have about 50 more without him before we celebrate together again. I am trying to stay in the moment but it is so very overwhelming to anticipate the future. I worked on Emily's Christmas party at school since I am one of the room moms. I picked out a book and had a craft go along with it. I picked the Legend of the Candy Cane so we could get the true meaning of Christmas integrated in the party. I was down that morning but kept praying for strength so that I could entertain 24 busy little 1st graders. As I pulled out of the neighbor heading to school I peaked over at the cemetery Craig is buried in. There was a funeral on the little hill where the babies are buried. The tiny rack was waiting for the miniature casket to by placed on it and the tent was set up for the family to arrive soon. I prayed in the parking lot before going into the party. As I signed in the school office staff let me know that they were having a lock-down drill 10:15 in the middle of the "Holiday" party. Mr. Morris came over the intercom and informed the building to begin the lock-down drill. The children filed under the corner desk away from the door and Ms. B covered the window on the door. You could hear a pin drop throughout the halls and there was a sobering feeling knowing that some of the classrooms in CT would have heard gunfire throughout their halls just three days prior. The kids weren't rattled at all but the moms that were there to help with the party were. Most commented afterwards they prayed through the whole drill or they would have cried for the full 15 minutes. Life is fragile. I am so incredibly grateful for the family that I have. We mourn the loss of Craig this Christmas and there will be tears but there is so much to be joyful about. My girls are thrilled about the Christmas. They know the true meaning of the holiday and they value the family unit that we have. I loved my girls when we were a family of five but I feel so much more close to them now that I realize how fragile life is. I adore them. They are amazing little people and I am so grateful for the family of four that I have.
The true meaning of Christmas is the birth of Christ. That gives us Hope and Peace in all circumstances. So many of the Christmas special try to say that the meaning of Christmas is spending time with family and friends. While their intentions of trying to get away from the commercialism is at step in the right direction it still falls short of the magnitude of the truth. Although we will miss Craig this Christmas it doesn't take away from the fact that God gave His only Son to us to save us. Even know I will miss Craig for the next 50+ Christmases the fact that at some point I will celebrate with him again and for the following 50,000,000,000+ years brings me great joy. That is the reason that God sent Jesus and that can definitely be celebrated! I am committed to work through the grief of missing my beloved husband and friend but my faith tells me to cherish those who I have with me to celebrate now and focus on the true meaning of Christmas.
Craig, I miss you, the changes in our life are so hard but we are doing well as a "all-girl party"...until we see you again (which btw I was a little disappointed the Mayans were wrong). I can't tell you Merry Christmas or I will break down in tears and Hannah is sitting next to me watching the Grinch for the third time today...love you.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Being a mama: Emily's 7th Birthday & thoughts of Decemeber
Writen last week: (perpective from this week - coming soon)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVbfcxgMkA4&feature=youtu.be
I saw this video on WAY-FM facebook page after hearing about it on the radio early that day. I love this song but even more now that I have seen this video. It is a great illustration of what every Christain mama does each day. We try to sing the praises of the Lord, while tending to our children, working hard at our jobs, and maintain the relationships that means so much... and well we hope to look good while doing it. :) I think this is a perfect picture of a mama doing just that. Love it.
On December 13th 2005 Emily Michelle Merimee entered my world and made me that mama. She was a delight from the beginning. Her birthday reminds me that she is such a gift. She is an amazing leader and she makes me want to continue to be a better mom. She is so intelligent, and talented. This last week and weekend we celebrated her 7th birthday. We had dinner and cake with the Grandmas on Thursday and then on Friday we had two fabulous friend spend the night. (pictures to come) She is growing into a fabulous little lady and she makes me want to be a better person in the same way that her Daddy did.
December has been tough. We have been really busy with all the girls activities and Christmas coming up soon. Busy is good but the times that I have time to sit and think I am crushed that Craig is no longer here. Last year we tried to make Christmas as normal as possible. We stayed in the moment and that was the right thing to do but that leaves this year with a lot to think through. This time last year Craig had decided to discontinue treatment but he was feeling good. Things were relatively normal besides the occasional nap and the fact that neither one of were working. We still got to shop together and eat out sometimes. Hang with the girls and watch movies. Although the gradual decline was there we were still enjoying life.
This month I have struggled with the fact that I thought I was ready to let Craig go back in March. I wanted him here but not in the condition he had to live. I knew that he would have a better life in heaven but there are times I that I miss him so very badly that I can't fathom why I thought that. With the holidays upon on us I feel like I am back at square one in the grief process. With time I have forgotten how very sick he was and just remember him and that I miss. I struggle with keeping my concentration for long periods of time. It is really frustrating. To be able to do something that you could do in your sleep but not be able to concentrate long enough to get it done is maddening. There are so many things that are frustrating right now and I am doing my best to stay in His word and cling to Him but it is tiring. I know that all these emotions are things that I have to work through and it will take time. I hate to wish my life away but if we could fast forward through the first Christmas without Craig, the first New Year without Craig and even his 35th birthday I wouldn't mind it. I know that is not how it can be done. I hope to be able to cling to the Lord and walk through the fire and maybe even find joy in the days by focusing on the true meaning. I know that if I do this then I hope to help someone in the future that is going through a time of grief during the holidays.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVbfcxgMkA4&feature=youtu.be
I saw this video on WAY-FM facebook page after hearing about it on the radio early that day. I love this song but even more now that I have seen this video. It is a great illustration of what every Christain mama does each day. We try to sing the praises of the Lord, while tending to our children, working hard at our jobs, and maintain the relationships that means so much... and well we hope to look good while doing it. :) I think this is a perfect picture of a mama doing just that. Love it.
On December 13th 2005 Emily Michelle Merimee entered my world and made me that mama. She was a delight from the beginning. Her birthday reminds me that she is such a gift. She is an amazing leader and she makes me want to continue to be a better mom. She is so intelligent, and talented. This last week and weekend we celebrated her 7th birthday. We had dinner and cake with the Grandmas on Thursday and then on Friday we had two fabulous friend spend the night. (pictures to come) She is growing into a fabulous little lady and she makes me want to be a better person in the same way that her Daddy did.
December has been tough. We have been really busy with all the girls activities and Christmas coming up soon. Busy is good but the times that I have time to sit and think I am crushed that Craig is no longer here. Last year we tried to make Christmas as normal as possible. We stayed in the moment and that was the right thing to do but that leaves this year with a lot to think through. This time last year Craig had decided to discontinue treatment but he was feeling good. Things were relatively normal besides the occasional nap and the fact that neither one of were working. We still got to shop together and eat out sometimes. Hang with the girls and watch movies. Although the gradual decline was there we were still enjoying life.
This month I have struggled with the fact that I thought I was ready to let Craig go back in March. I wanted him here but not in the condition he had to live. I knew that he would have a better life in heaven but there are times I that I miss him so very badly that I can't fathom why I thought that. With the holidays upon on us I feel like I am back at square one in the grief process. With time I have forgotten how very sick he was and just remember him and that I miss. I struggle with keeping my concentration for long periods of time. It is really frustrating. To be able to do something that you could do in your sleep but not be able to concentrate long enough to get it done is maddening. There are so many things that are frustrating right now and I am doing my best to stay in His word and cling to Him but it is tiring. I know that all these emotions are things that I have to work through and it will take time. I hate to wish my life away but if we could fast forward through the first Christmas without Craig, the first New Year without Craig and even his 35th birthday I wouldn't mind it. I know that is not how it can be done. I hope to be able to cling to the Lord and walk through the fire and maybe even find joy in the days by focusing on the true meaning. I know that if I do this then I hope to help someone in the future that is going through a time of grief during the holidays.
Friday, December 7, 2012
The Empty Chair and Mary's Song
The meltdown days after Thanksgiving were bad. I didn't feel good about where I was and I had feelings of hopelessness and anger. Anger towards God and Craig. We finished studying The Story two weeks ago with a review of the book of Revelation. I was brought to tears during the sermon for several reasons. I was overwhelmed with gratefulness for the Home that God provided Craig but so jealous he gets to be there. If you have never lost a loved one you might not understand this. You might even think that it is suicidal to think about being with Craig right now. I can tell you, I am not that depressed. I love my life with the girls (most of the time) and wouldn't want that to end short of God's timing but there are times that I want to be in the same room with Craig and if that means heading Home then so be it. It is not a "I want to die" thought it is simply wanting to be where he is. (Just a hint if you want to be there and support someone that is grieving don't look at them like they have nine heads, when they say stuff like that, ask questions so you understand what they are saying). So I was mad that I was left here to figure things out and he is hanging out in paradise with JC. Cue 2-year-old temper tantrum: NOT FAIR!!!!! I met Craig when I was 18 so we have figured out a lot of things in life together. We did business school together, bought (and sold) two houses, bought and traded six cars, made three kids, juggled home and careers, grew in faith, loved friends, threw parties... etc etc. So the fact that I am essentially figuring out life by myself and he is hanging out without a care of the world, ticks me off at times!! There are struggles that he never has to think about. We decided everything TOGETHER and now it just me. Sometimes I think too much but I have to, my girls are too good for mom to be nuts and just do whatever makes her happy for 5 minutes. Lately I probably have been thinking too much and praying too little.
When I walked into church service last week I was thinking there has to be a way to turn this around. There has to be a way to still have a peaceful and joyful Christmas even with the great loss that we are experiencing. I knew after Thanksgiving I had to get more of a focus on the Hope of Christ rather than who was not going to be there. It is really really really hard to work through this stuff. Last year's Christmas I wouldn't even let my mind plan for this Christmas. I remember putting away the ornaments with our wedding date on them last year and thinking "will I put these up next year?" "what do I do with them?" And then just shutting off those questions off and thinking, I will cross that bridge when I came to it. This year I put all the ornaments on the tree from our vacations and even the one from our honeymoon. But the ones that say "Our First Christmas 2002" or "We said I Do in 2002" remained in the storage container. The memories of our family still live on but my marriage is over. Emily asked why I didn't want those ornaments on the tree and I simple said they are wedding ornaments and I am not married any more. She was fine with that answer. There weren't tears, just that was that. There wasn't much talk or preparation about this year's Christmas last year. We were staying in the moment and keeping things as normal as possible. This year leaves me with a blank slate on what to do. I could easily cry my way through the season and remain distraught but I want to make the effort to draw closer to the Lord. Clinging to Him was what got us through the cancer-journey successfully. The grief journey is so very different. The biggest difference to me is not having Craig here. There were times that him and I would talk about doctors appointments and how certain news made us feel. It was good to have that person that was there and could talk through some things. But that is not the case with this. I have friends that will listen but it is not the same. I have made friends going through similar losses and that helps out SOOOO much but it is still not the same as a partner in life going through a journey together. Generally the grief journey is much less intense than the cancer-journey was. In a way you would think that would be easier but the intensity of the situation made me cling to Christ each day and that make that relationship so much stronger. But with the grief journey and creating new normal the intensity is not there so I have to intentionally pray to Him. My goal for this Christmas season is to be more prayerful, focus more on the birthday of Christ.
Kyle sermon this past week was a great start to this. The topic was Mary. Who she was, what she was like etc. Some churches put too much into her, stating that she is the queen of heaven but her humble spirit is what brought her favor from God so to say that she the queen doesn't fit into why God choose her. From an earthly perspective she was powerless, young, uneducated, and engaged to a nobody. But from God's perspective since she had a humble spirit she was a perfect fit for the role. Humility opens the door to God's favor. This Christmas season I can not have prideful thinking: "I can get through this." "I can make due" etc etc. Those thoughts will shut the door on God's favor. This Christmas season I need to surrender the holiday over to the Lord and His peace will be present. There will be tears but there were tears during the cancer-journey and there was a lot of His Hope and His Joy during that journey. I have failed to stay in the spirit of surrender and it has felt really rotten. I have been very selfish and it doesn't feel good and it is a slippery slope in this world. The things that made us successful in cancerland was clinging to Him and praying for others. I have not been doing that so it is time to switch gears and focus on the birth of Christ and what that means. He wants more for us than to just make due and my girls deserve better than that. He gave the gift of His son so we have plenty to celebrate.
James 4:10 "Humble Yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up."
http://www.southeastchristian.org/?page=4754
I started a new book last night called "The Empty Chair." I read the first chapter and it is really good. I thought it would be tips on how to survive the season without a loved one, and it is, but really the goal is to be able to feel God's Love and peace even with loss. It reminds me of one of my favorites that got me through some tough times in cancerland, "Living With Thorns". It is not a "it's going to be okay" blow-sunshine book. It is more like, this is hard but God is good. Love it. Our hope is in the Lord. I have said it on other post that I was in a place of "now what." I have struggled with knowing where Home is but it seems so far off. So many bible verses talk about when we get Home and there are times when I want to scream "BUT WHAT ABOUT NOW!". My hope (I am getting excited about the possibility) for this Christmas season is that I have the courage and strength to surrender to Him so that I can in turn feel His Peace and Joy. My hope is for tears of love b/c I miss Craig but not out of hopelessness for our future without him. I know that a lot of you still pray for the Merimee girls. Please don't pray for us to just survive the Christmas season this year but please pray for strength to be humble enough to accept His gift and I can lead the girls to do the same in their own way. Just surviving is not what God wants for us. He wants us to grow in faith and sometimes that means tears and it always means clinging to Him. We still have a lot to celebrate this year. Craig's legacy is one of gratefulness in all circumstances and we have that to celebrate as well as the birth of Jesus.
When I walked into church service last week I was thinking there has to be a way to turn this around. There has to be a way to still have a peaceful and joyful Christmas even with the great loss that we are experiencing. I knew after Thanksgiving I had to get more of a focus on the Hope of Christ rather than who was not going to be there. It is really really really hard to work through this stuff. Last year's Christmas I wouldn't even let my mind plan for this Christmas. I remember putting away the ornaments with our wedding date on them last year and thinking "will I put these up next year?" "what do I do with them?" And then just shutting off those questions off and thinking, I will cross that bridge when I came to it. This year I put all the ornaments on the tree from our vacations and even the one from our honeymoon. But the ones that say "Our First Christmas 2002" or "We said I Do in 2002" remained in the storage container. The memories of our family still live on but my marriage is over. Emily asked why I didn't want those ornaments on the tree and I simple said they are wedding ornaments and I am not married any more. She was fine with that answer. There weren't tears, just that was that. There wasn't much talk or preparation about this year's Christmas last year. We were staying in the moment and keeping things as normal as possible. This year leaves me with a blank slate on what to do. I could easily cry my way through the season and remain distraught but I want to make the effort to draw closer to the Lord. Clinging to Him was what got us through the cancer-journey successfully. The grief journey is so very different. The biggest difference to me is not having Craig here. There were times that him and I would talk about doctors appointments and how certain news made us feel. It was good to have that person that was there and could talk through some things. But that is not the case with this. I have friends that will listen but it is not the same. I have made friends going through similar losses and that helps out SOOOO much but it is still not the same as a partner in life going through a journey together. Generally the grief journey is much less intense than the cancer-journey was. In a way you would think that would be easier but the intensity of the situation made me cling to Christ each day and that make that relationship so much stronger. But with the grief journey and creating new normal the intensity is not there so I have to intentionally pray to Him. My goal for this Christmas season is to be more prayerful, focus more on the birthday of Christ.
Kyle sermon this past week was a great start to this. The topic was Mary. Who she was, what she was like etc. Some churches put too much into her, stating that she is the queen of heaven but her humble spirit is what brought her favor from God so to say that she the queen doesn't fit into why God choose her. From an earthly perspective she was powerless, young, uneducated, and engaged to a nobody. But from God's perspective since she had a humble spirit she was a perfect fit for the role. Humility opens the door to God's favor. This Christmas season I can not have prideful thinking: "I can get through this." "I can make due" etc etc. Those thoughts will shut the door on God's favor. This Christmas season I need to surrender the holiday over to the Lord and His peace will be present. There will be tears but there were tears during the cancer-journey and there was a lot of His Hope and His Joy during that journey. I have failed to stay in the spirit of surrender and it has felt really rotten. I have been very selfish and it doesn't feel good and it is a slippery slope in this world. The things that made us successful in cancerland was clinging to Him and praying for others. I have not been doing that so it is time to switch gears and focus on the birth of Christ and what that means. He wants more for us than to just make due and my girls deserve better than that. He gave the gift of His son so we have plenty to celebrate.
James 4:10 "Humble Yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up."
http://www.southeastchristian.org/?page=4754
I started a new book last night called "The Empty Chair." I read the first chapter and it is really good. I thought it would be tips on how to survive the season without a loved one, and it is, but really the goal is to be able to feel God's Love and peace even with loss. It reminds me of one of my favorites that got me through some tough times in cancerland, "Living With Thorns". It is not a "it's going to be okay" blow-sunshine book. It is more like, this is hard but God is good. Love it. Our hope is in the Lord. I have said it on other post that I was in a place of "now what." I have struggled with knowing where Home is but it seems so far off. So many bible verses talk about when we get Home and there are times when I want to scream "BUT WHAT ABOUT NOW!". My hope (I am getting excited about the possibility) for this Christmas season is that I have the courage and strength to surrender to Him so that I can in turn feel His Peace and Joy. My hope is for tears of love b/c I miss Craig but not out of hopelessness for our future without him. I know that a lot of you still pray for the Merimee girls. Please don't pray for us to just survive the Christmas season this year but please pray for strength to be humble enough to accept His gift and I can lead the girls to do the same in their own way. Just surviving is not what God wants for us. He wants us to grow in faith and sometimes that means tears and it always means clinging to Him. We still have a lot to celebrate this year. Craig's legacy is one of gratefulness in all circumstances and we have that to celebrate as well as the birth of Jesus.
Those who Hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
Thursday, November 29, 2012
The Elf on the Shelf
So yesterday I made it until 4:00 without crying. I felt like I had made a turn. Things were still on my mind but I could think through them without sobbing. That was until Hannah and I sat down to read a book. Our Elf on the Shelf, Joshua, was a bit late this year getting to the Merimee household since we were in Chicago. He arrived Monday. We hadn't read his story yet but we planned to. Yesterday afternoon Hannah was having a 2-year old meltdown, one were every question the answer is no, including if I give you a $100 will you stop crying? "No." I still haven't a clue what the breakdown was about but as she stood there in a purple sparkle flapper dress-up dress and Mermaid high heels with snot and tears running from her face we decided to sit on the floor to read. I grabbed our Elf on the Shelf book and found Craig's note tucked in the front page. And then I had tears (and snot) running from my face. Two Merimee girls sitting on the floor melting down...
Craig didn't tell me that he left that note and I can visualize him thinking about whether he should leave it or not. I remember him putting Joshua away on Christmas Eve last year. I imagine him writing the note and wanting to say much more but couldn't. Then I can image he stuck it in the book and then took it out trying to think about whether it would cause more pain than joy. I am actually surprised that he didn't say anything to me but I know Craig and I know that he thought and thought about this note before putting it away for the year. It is a perfect example of who he was. A man of few words but the words he spoke were well thought out and meaningful. He taught me so much. I am sure that after he put Joshua and his book safely in the box and stored away he sat down and had a good cry. He knew that he would miss Christmas with us this year and all he could do was stuff a note in a book that he knew we would read over and over throughout the Christmas season.
I told Em and Morgan about the note last night but with choir we didn't have time to sit down and read it and the book. They look forward to it tonight.
Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, DUDE! you're killing me! I'm trying to get through a day without crying! Cut it out! Miss you. Love you.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
hitting the pause button
I read my last blog post about the intensity of the situation waining: Ha. not so much now that that the holiday season is upon us.
We went to Chicago for Thanksgiving. My brother lives there. It was on purpose that we were planning on doing something different this year. It would take away from the intensity that there was someone missing at the dinner table. It worked, although Craig was missed in so many other ways this past weekend but it was good to be away. I can't tell you how much I miss someone loving my kids in the way that I do. We have an awesome support system and people love my kids but the love between a parent and child is like no other. The fact that they only get that daily from one parent is devastating to me right now. No one gets a child like a parent does. God designed a family with a mom and a dad for a reason. Although I trust God's plan I can't help but to question it when it comes to the girls. I hate to be negative Nelly but regardless how many friends I have that love my girls, I am a single mom and they only have one parent on earth to love and care for them. I know the legacy that Craig left behind is a great one and they are blessed to have a dad like him but I still have to grieve the loss of my family of 5. I have hope we will be a family of 5+ depending on what God has in store for us in the future but the simple fact that we are not the Merimee Family as originally intented deserves a long pause for some grieving time.
It is hard to write on this blog. It is not like the Merimee Journey. That situation we were getting through a struggle, this phase of the journey we are trying to figure out how to live with loss and process past memories. Writing here is different. I can't descibe it very well but it the reason this blog isnt updated as much as the last one. There were events in the cancer journey that sparked feelings that need to be expressed. Same with this one but they are not scans or last times... it is first times and how can we continue to move forward. I dont want it to be repetitve. I guess I need to write for me and for God rather than an audience of blog followers though. hmmm... I have thought about this a lot before the Thanksgiving break... maybe more to come...
Emily and Morgan went to Chicago with Craig in early fall 2011. I was supposed to go but I just needed a weekend at home, I was struggling so they went ahead without me and Hannah. When we arrived in Chicago this past weekend memories of that trip flooded back for Emily and Morgan. They talked about where Daddy slept in Brad's apartment, what they saw, what bus and train they road on around the city that weekend. They have so many great memories of that trip. I so happy for them and heartbroken at the same time. This weekend we went to the Science and Industry Museum on Friday morning. The Christmas exhibit was the history of Snoopy. This center of the museums was all Snoopy stuff. Craig loved the peanuts. Most cards he bough people were Snoopy. Early in our marriage I enstated a no-Snoopy card policy for my cards. :) We have several Snoopy ornaments on our Christmas tree. Craig's lovey was a snoopy stuffed animal when he was a baby. It was hard walking through the museum, he would have loved it. I hate that he missed it.
As we road on the bus to the parade Thursday morning, Emily was talking about one of her memories from the trip with Craig in 2011. I was missing him so badly at the moment. A man stepped on the bus. He was an older man maybe in his 70s. He was so thin, I could see the bones in the back of his skull and his eye were sunk in. He was healthy enough to get on and off the bus and walk through the streets of Chicago but how thin and fragile he looked reminded me how very sick and fragile Craig was. The last weeks of his life I could see every bone in his body through yellowish fragile skin. I am still so thankful that he is healed from cancer and he is happy and at Home but at this point for me I am in a place of "now what". What do we those memories, (the good and the bad)? What am I supposed to next? I thought I had some of it figured out but the holidays have reminded me of what has been lost and I am once again taken back by how much has changed in two years time.
At times I feel stupid. I stayed very day to day and I think a lot of people were way ahead of me thinking about our future without Craig. I am sure that there are people out that thought "what is she going to do when..." and I my response would be I will cross that bridge when we get there. I really wanted to just put one foot in front of the other and we are doing pretty good at that. We pause and grieve when we need to but keep moving forward. I don't want to get to the point where I am just so bitter about life going on so it does take me some time to really think about the past and what the future holds. My day to day thinking was really based on scripture.
Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
I know that my future is in God's hands and I need to just concentrate on today. I am sure to some people I looked and sounded ridiculous when I said we were doing good. We are doing good, except when we are not. The "not" times usually end up on this blog. It is great way to think through some of these things that get stuck in my head at times. And right now I am stuck and not sure what is the next step to keep moving. I had plans to go to the Dave Matthews Band concert next week and it sounds like torture right now. I want to make fun plans and keep moving in the right direction but right now I am at a stopping point. The holidays remind me of what we have lost and to try to have fun through that doesn't seem feasible. Ugh, I am so ticked off at that DARN pancreas.
Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, I hope you are having a good time b/c quite frankly I am pretty ticked off at your pancreas.
We went to Chicago for Thanksgiving. My brother lives there. It was on purpose that we were planning on doing something different this year. It would take away from the intensity that there was someone missing at the dinner table. It worked, although Craig was missed in so many other ways this past weekend but it was good to be away. I can't tell you how much I miss someone loving my kids in the way that I do. We have an awesome support system and people love my kids but the love between a parent and child is like no other. The fact that they only get that daily from one parent is devastating to me right now. No one gets a child like a parent does. God designed a family with a mom and a dad for a reason. Although I trust God's plan I can't help but to question it when it comes to the girls. I hate to be negative Nelly but regardless how many friends I have that love my girls, I am a single mom and they only have one parent on earth to love and care for them. I know the legacy that Craig left behind is a great one and they are blessed to have a dad like him but I still have to grieve the loss of my family of 5. I have hope we will be a family of 5+ depending on what God has in store for us in the future but the simple fact that we are not the Merimee Family as originally intented deserves a long pause for some grieving time.
It is hard to write on this blog. It is not like the Merimee Journey. That situation we were getting through a struggle, this phase of the journey we are trying to figure out how to live with loss and process past memories. Writing here is different. I can't descibe it very well but it the reason this blog isnt updated as much as the last one. There were events in the cancer journey that sparked feelings that need to be expressed. Same with this one but they are not scans or last times... it is first times and how can we continue to move forward. I dont want it to be repetitve. I guess I need to write for me and for God rather than an audience of blog followers though. hmmm... I have thought about this a lot before the Thanksgiving break... maybe more to come...
Emily and Morgan went to Chicago with Craig in early fall 2011. I was supposed to go but I just needed a weekend at home, I was struggling so they went ahead without me and Hannah. When we arrived in Chicago this past weekend memories of that trip flooded back for Emily and Morgan. They talked about where Daddy slept in Brad's apartment, what they saw, what bus and train they road on around the city that weekend. They have so many great memories of that trip. I so happy for them and heartbroken at the same time. This weekend we went to the Science and Industry Museum on Friday morning. The Christmas exhibit was the history of Snoopy. This center of the museums was all Snoopy stuff. Craig loved the peanuts. Most cards he bough people were Snoopy. Early in our marriage I enstated a no-Snoopy card policy for my cards. :) We have several Snoopy ornaments on our Christmas tree. Craig's lovey was a snoopy stuffed animal when he was a baby. It was hard walking through the museum, he would have loved it. I hate that he missed it.
As we road on the bus to the parade Thursday morning, Emily was talking about one of her memories from the trip with Craig in 2011. I was missing him so badly at the moment. A man stepped on the bus. He was an older man maybe in his 70s. He was so thin, I could see the bones in the back of his skull and his eye were sunk in. He was healthy enough to get on and off the bus and walk through the streets of Chicago but how thin and fragile he looked reminded me how very sick and fragile Craig was. The last weeks of his life I could see every bone in his body through yellowish fragile skin. I am still so thankful that he is healed from cancer and he is happy and at Home but at this point for me I am in a place of "now what". What do we those memories, (the good and the bad)? What am I supposed to next? I thought I had some of it figured out but the holidays have reminded me of what has been lost and I am once again taken back by how much has changed in two years time.
At times I feel stupid. I stayed very day to day and I think a lot of people were way ahead of me thinking about our future without Craig. I am sure that there are people out that thought "what is she going to do when..." and I my response would be I will cross that bridge when we get there. I really wanted to just put one foot in front of the other and we are doing pretty good at that. We pause and grieve when we need to but keep moving forward. I don't want to get to the point where I am just so bitter about life going on so it does take me some time to really think about the past and what the future holds. My day to day thinking was really based on scripture.
Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
I know that my future is in God's hands and I need to just concentrate on today. I am sure to some people I looked and sounded ridiculous when I said we were doing good. We are doing good, except when we are not. The "not" times usually end up on this blog. It is great way to think through some of these things that get stuck in my head at times. And right now I am stuck and not sure what is the next step to keep moving. I had plans to go to the Dave Matthews Band concert next week and it sounds like torture right now. I want to make fun plans and keep moving in the right direction but right now I am at a stopping point. The holidays remind me of what we have lost and to try to have fun through that doesn't seem feasible. Ugh, I am so ticked off at that DARN pancreas.
Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, I hope you are having a good time b/c quite frankly I am pretty ticked off at your pancreas.
Friday, November 16, 2012
just an update
I have been slacking a little bit on Thankful Thursdays b/c I am doing thankful days on Facebook this month. I could list all those things here but I figure I would give you an update of what has been going on around here.
Things have been normal here. We seem to be figuring out the new normal without Craig day by day. Every day we miss him but the intensity of the situations seems to have settled down a bit lately. We ran on high emotions for so long it feels very strange to just be settled into new normal. At times I think maybe I am getting depressed but I think it is really just the difference in the intensity of the past vs. now. Although we have daily struggles we are working through those.
I can say for a fact that raising three girls is not a job for one person. I am struggling with the schedules and after school activities and only Emily and Morgan have them. The thought of Hannah having hobbies in the future makes me crazy. After the holidays we are getting down to one activity each. This week has put me over the edge. Mondays Morgan has soccer, Tuesdays Emily has dance, Wednesdays Emily has choir, today they were doing art therapy, tomorrow we are going to Light up the Summit (more on that later), Saturday Emily has Edge (which is extra projects on top of what they do at school), Saturday evening Emily has choir performances and Sunday she has more choir. So after this week we should be getting back into easier times. Choir has been a bit intense this week. I think the performance should be fun but I am wondering if Emily will do it again next year... we will see. Lesson learned: ease up on the after school stuff, quality time with them is more important.
Tuesday morning I went to donuts with dad at Kenwood (Emily and Morgan's school). I gave them a choice to take Scott, Brent, me or just skip it. They said they wanted me to go. I was the only mom there that day. As I drove passed Craig's plot (you can't get into my neighborhood without driving past the cemetery that Craig's body rest in) I cried. It isn't fair that he didn't get to go to donuts with dad with our girls. It is just not fair!! It is not a major event in their lives but it is still one that he should have gone to. They didn't say anything and it didn't seem to bother them. It didn't bother me too much there other than I was the only chick in the gym eating donuts but it really caught me when I pulled passed the cemetery on the way home. He got to go with Emily last year and I remember sitting on the couch later that night and he worried about who would go to things like that with them. He didn't want them to miss out and he didn't want them to be singled out and feel awkward not being able to go. I told him then that we would just take one event at a time and deal with them as they come along. I then made a joke that I wont repeat on here but we laughed together and I think he felt comfortable knowing that I was going to be able to tackle each situation as they come. So we are. I don't know some days we do it well some days not to much but we are doing it one day at a time.
Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, we miss you, we love you and we will see you again.
Things have been normal here. We seem to be figuring out the new normal without Craig day by day. Every day we miss him but the intensity of the situations seems to have settled down a bit lately. We ran on high emotions for so long it feels very strange to just be settled into new normal. At times I think maybe I am getting depressed but I think it is really just the difference in the intensity of the past vs. now. Although we have daily struggles we are working through those.
I can say for a fact that raising three girls is not a job for one person. I am struggling with the schedules and after school activities and only Emily and Morgan have them. The thought of Hannah having hobbies in the future makes me crazy. After the holidays we are getting down to one activity each. This week has put me over the edge. Mondays Morgan has soccer, Tuesdays Emily has dance, Wednesdays Emily has choir, today they were doing art therapy, tomorrow we are going to Light up the Summit (more on that later), Saturday Emily has Edge (which is extra projects on top of what they do at school), Saturday evening Emily has choir performances and Sunday she has more choir. So after this week we should be getting back into easier times. Choir has been a bit intense this week. I think the performance should be fun but I am wondering if Emily will do it again next year... we will see. Lesson learned: ease up on the after school stuff, quality time with them is more important.
Tuesday morning I went to donuts with dad at Kenwood (Emily and Morgan's school). I gave them a choice to take Scott, Brent, me or just skip it. They said they wanted me to go. I was the only mom there that day. As I drove passed Craig's plot (you can't get into my neighborhood without driving past the cemetery that Craig's body rest in) I cried. It isn't fair that he didn't get to go to donuts with dad with our girls. It is just not fair!! It is not a major event in their lives but it is still one that he should have gone to. They didn't say anything and it didn't seem to bother them. It didn't bother me too much there other than I was the only chick in the gym eating donuts but it really caught me when I pulled passed the cemetery on the way home. He got to go with Emily last year and I remember sitting on the couch later that night and he worried about who would go to things like that with them. He didn't want them to miss out and he didn't want them to be singled out and feel awkward not being able to go. I told him then that we would just take one event at a time and deal with them as they come along. I then made a joke that I wont repeat on here but we laughed together and I think he felt comfortable knowing that I was going to be able to tackle each situation as they come. So we are. I don't know some days we do it well some days not to much but we are doing it one day at a time.
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| Donuts with Dad 2012 (what a goofy picture but whatever) |
Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, we miss you, we love you and we will see you again.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
UK game 2012: 10/20/12
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| The Shelton Family and us at lunch. |
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| Me and the girls loving the CATS (even though they are terrible) |
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| Future Delta Gammas at the DG house at UK |
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| Emily and Morgan love hanging with Brian, Bruce and Brad at the game. |
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| Tailgating with my girls. Hannah will get to go next year. |
So I am way late with this picture update but nonetheless. We finished up art therapy that morning and went out to lunch with some dear friends that we met at Norton Hospital. The Shelton's appointment was always at 11:00 am while Emily and Morgan was at 10:00. So they came early to and we stayed late to hang with them. The Shelton's lost their dad about two months ago to brain cancer. We have a lot of unfortunate things in common but a wonderful friendship has blossomed over time and we are thankful to have them in our lives.
After we finished up at lunch we headed to Lexington to tailgate with the family as we have done for many years. I thought that being on campus would be hard but if you can remember it wasn't the first time I had to go to the annual event with just me and the girls. Last year Craig was planning to go but with a last minute stomach issues he opted to stay home and we went with out him (sobbing most of the way down I64). Although it was a relief to not have that stress it was difficult to be on campus without him. It was hard to look at the Blanding tower and have great memories of freshmen year and not have him there to share it with him. His fraternity house is no longer the Lambda Chi house, another fraternity is in there, but the library that we walked to together still sits between the two houses. Some parts of campus are really different than when we were there but it still jogged great memories. When I think of how sick Craig was then it makes sense that he is no longer with us but if you travel back in time 15 years then my life makes no sense and quite frankly the week after the trip was really hard. I enjoyed the game and the tailgate but to think back to all that has changed since we walked that campus was a lot to digest. It really took my breathe away. I wish I would have blogged more that week. This always help work through some of those unsettling feelings but I didn't. I should have. I have learned that I need to take the time to digest good memories as well as the bad memories of the past 2 years. The healing process is not about just sitting around and crying it really about taking the time to reflect on the good and the bad. My goal has always been to walk through the fire rather than around b/c that is what is going to make the person that God wants me to be. Taking time for myself to just think/blog/chat is all apart of that.
We did have a great time. They girls love being with family and I feel very fortunate to have such a wonderful group of guys for them to hang out with. They have wonderful role models of Godly men all around them and I am really grateful for that. And we can only assume that basketball season will be much better than football season. Go CATS!
Trip to Cincinnati for Fall Break
Two weeks ago we took a trip to northern KY area for the end of fall break. We visited the Newport Aquarium and stay the night in a hotel with an indoor pool. We met up with some new friends, Jenny and her girls. I have mentioned Jenny on this blog before. She lost her husband in Afghanistan about 6 weeks after Craig died. Although the reason for our friendship coming to be is not a pleasant one it is really a gift to have someone the same age going through a similar thing. It is nice to have someone to compare notes with and to say things that others do not understand. Her girls are so wonderful and everyone got along really well.
From there we went to Kristy and Bruce's house for the rest of the weekend which included a family shower to Jeanie and Brian. Great weekend and a great way to wrap up Oldham County Fall break.
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