uncertainity

I'm struggling right now. I am struggling with the fact that life is so incredibly unpredictable. I have been stuck thinking about the past memories and how sick Craig was and fretting for the future. I want so badly to get back to being grateful for what I have in my life, and just taking one day at a time but I find myself going back and forth between tears of three years ago and fears of what the future holds. Nothing is guaranteed to anyone and that is so hard right now. I had it all and in the blink of an eye it seemed to vanish.

I want so badly to get back to the place of trust and security of God's hope but my heart just hurts so badly right now. I want the confident, happy, joyful, grateful, energetic Michelle back ASAP. I feel drained and scattered most of the time right now. I pull myself out of it temporary with a long talk with a friend, a devotional that hits home, digging into work, working out but within hours I'm back at square one trying to digging back out. The circumstances are really shaking my faith right now, to be perfectly honest.

I want so badly the memories of the first couple weeks of cancer-land to just be zapped out of my brain forever. I don't want to have to relive this year after year. It stirs up so many feelings and fears. At times it feels like it was easier to go through rather than remember it. I could at least take care of Craig and being DOING something about it but to go over the same memories over and over with nothing to able to resolve them is maddening. No one gets how very sick Craig was except for me. No else saw first hand what I saw day after day.

And I want so badly to have a crystal ball that predicts my future. I want to know that I won't see that kind of suffering again in this lifetime. I want to know that I will get my second chance at happily ever after. I want to know that my children will be successful regardless of losing their dad at young ages. I want some guarantees. Living what I have lived in the past three years, I know guarantees don't exist. When it comes down to it our only guarantee is seeing heaven when we put our trust in the Lord.  Right now I am pretty mad that I am left here to sort through this life while Craig is already enjoying our only guarantee.

This summer I did the study "Discerning the Voice of God" by Priscilla Shirer. I have looked back through it several times trying to figuring how to get myself out of this pit God's way. One paragraph that I found the other day is the following:
"God is the God of right now. He calls us not to be regretful over yesterday or worried about tomorrow. He wants us to focus on what He is saying to is and putting in front of us right now. The enemy's voice will focus on the past and the future while the voice of our God will focus on today. He is the God of right now."

Romans 8:28 We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who Love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Please pray for peace in my heart SOON. I am so sick of crying I could lose it!

3 years ago

written yesterday:
I thought I could get by without a breakdown today. I've been good and hopeful and moving in the right direction but October 4th still stings. I still question what was so wrong with plan A that we couldn't just roll with that one?!! Each time I look at the clock I think this time three years ago we were.... In the morning we were still normal. The afternoon he went in the ER for test and by mid afternoon the staff knew what we were up against. Late that evening his fate and prognosis of 3-6 months was described. Life was forever changed on October 4th 2010.

UK vs Florida game

This past weekend we went for our annual UK football game. I didn't cry there or on the way home. Accomplishment. Although every building throughout campus reminded me of memories that Craig and I shared while we attended UK, I was only grateful for the times that we shared and looked forward to many more family tailgates and cheering on the CATS this year. A healing heart feels good. I am worried about Friday. It will be 3 years since he was diagnosed. Such a life changing day. Last year the day before (10/3) hit hard. It was the last day that we thought our house was cancer-free. It was the day that I stood at the kitchen counter and said the words that still sting. "I am the happiest I have ever been in my whole life." Within 24 hours that happiness was stolen but our Joy and Faith was not. I am a better person b/c of it. I have a grateful heart for what I have b/c I know that you have to hold dear to what you have and not focus on what is lost. I hate to remember what Craig went through for the last 18 months of his life but nothing brings me more pride than knowing he will always be remembered for fighting the good fight. Although with each passing day those memories seem to fade and life continues to go on, he will always hold a very special place in my heart. He taught me so much about how to live a grateful and fulfilling life. He will always be missed but I choose to be grateful for having him while I did rather than continuing to focus on what should have been. My girls are amazing people. I am so grateful that I was able to create such fabulous little people with such a fabulous person. So family traditions continue and we are making some decision about which traditions are staying and which are going. I think we are going to back to Huber's this weekend. I hope I don't stand in the middle of a pumpkin field crying but can be grateful for what is in the past and what the future holds... we shall see.

Tailgating Fun



at the game. Best seats we have ever had

three years ago Craig and I went to the UK vs. Florida game. It was the game that Tebow was sacked and sent to the hospital. The fans were terrible but we had a great time with Christy and Jason that year. Their seats were just a section over from where we sat this year. :)

Emily and Morgan with the WILDCAT

Annual Tailgate fun


UK pumpkin festival

On the hayride

Jessica and Sean went with us this year

UK alumni Pumpkin Fest 2013