Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Sunday, June 24, 2012

the morning after Craig died

On March 19th I woke up a widow and a single mom. Craig died about 1:15 on the 18th of March, later that night I sat on the couch and wailed and cried and then cried some more with my friend Janelle. There were similar cries in each bedroom that night. Our hearts were broken. I went to bed so incredibly exhausted at 10:00. I flung my body across my bed and slept with Craig's orange and blue Bears blanket. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to stay on my side or sleep on his side so rather than debating it I just laid across the bed on top of the comforter. I missed him already but was so extremely tired. The night before he kept me up the majority of the night in pain even though he was on an extreme amount of pain killers. At 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning he was transported to Norton to be admitted b/c I couldn't take care of him at home any longer. Anyway, I was exhausted so I did sleep that night.

I woke up on Monday, March 19th at 6:30ish in the morning and as soon as I woke I began to pray. Before I could even say or thought a word I felt like Jesus and Craig were looking down on me just waiting for me to wake up. I could not see them physically but I picture there faces side by side, kind of like two parents leaning over a newborn baby's crib waiting for baby-bear to wake up. It was as real as the feeling that I got when I stepped outside the day before and felt the presence of Craig and he was so happy where he was. They were leaning over my bed and just waiting to reassure me they were still here and wanting to walk each minute of that day with me. I was so relieved to have them waiting on me to wake. It was a moment in my life where I didn't even have to seek Jesus out in prayer I knew He was already there and Craig was right there with Him. Since I felt I had their undivided attention I started my prayer: "Jesus this is the first day of being a single mom, please walk each step of the day with me. Please be with my kids as I send them on to school. Be with the teachers and staff that will spend the day with them. Let me have patience with them today. And just get us through today." I didn't have to say anything they were already there to reassure me of their presence but it was a pray that had to be said for my heart.

It hasn't happened since that morning but when I am in church sometimes I have the feeling that Jesus and Craig are hanging out at the same time that we are in worship. I wish I had a physical glimpse of what they were doing all the time but the times that God lets me have those insights of what Craig is doing are such a blessing. I have never been one to really get the whole an angel is watching over you thing. I know that Craig knew that we loved him and he took that love with him but I am not sure what he knows and what we doesn't know about our present day life but I do know where he is and who he is hanging out with which is awesome!!!

Anyway daily life is sooooo incredibly busy these days. We go from one activity to another on the weekends. The girls are hanging out at home with our wonderful nanny, Sarah, during the week and then our weekend usually starts on Friday. We swim with friends, meet up with people for dinner, we go to church picnics, church, art therapy, etc etc. It is really nuts actually. I love it. Most days we are settling into our new normal very well. I am finding the silver lining in being single here and there. Since Craig and I got married soon after college there wasn't any time in my adult life that I have been single. I miss a lot about marriage and hope God blessing me with another husband in His timing (more on this in another post - maybe. No, I am not dating yet, not ready for that) but for now there are things that I enjoy about being by myself. After the girls go to bed I do have a lot of "me" time. I read books, catch up on work items, watch whatever I want to watch on TV, talk on the phone, clean the house, play on facebook, blog, catch up on emails, really it is whatever I want!! This is a good things and very much needed right now. It is not the life that I wanted or planned but I am finding good things about being by myself. For example the master bathroom, no offense guys but you are DIRTY! really dirty. I was scrubbing the bathroom down last week and it took my half the time. One person is much less dirty than two, especially when that one person is a female. When God sees fit and gives me another husband, I will be so thankful to have a dirty bathroom and have to fold boxer shorts again etc etc but for right now I am pretty content with my "me" time and a clean master bath that I don't share. So it is "not so bad" sometimes. Grief is a roller coaster ride so there are times we are fine and there are times that we are not but we are committed to the healing process and committed to doing it His way.

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss you and I will see you again.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Just stuff

There is a family at my church that received similar news that Craig received on October 4th 2010. I am unsure of his prognosis but he has been diagnosed with stage 4 esophagus cancer. He has a beautiful wife and 4 kids. I don't know them personally but we have a couple of mutual friends. They don't have a blog but they have a FB page that they update about every other day with prayer request etc. (Prayers needed Now, prayers for Ben) They have great faith in the Lord. It has been both difficult and humbling to read their updates as well as joyful to know they know the Lord in similar strength as Craig and I did when we heard similar fate as they have heard. His wife has told someone that she has heard from God that Ben will be healed and will live a long life. Someone asked me if I had heard something similar from God when Craig was diagnosed. I replied no but God spoke to my heart and said "without a shadow of a doubt it will be His healing." At the time I took that that He was going to heal Craig fully here on earth as time went on we realized that the only healing of his cancer would be in Heaven. I am still so incredibly thankful that Craig has been healed by the Ultimate Physician I wish it were here on earth but I am so thankful he no longer is suffering.

I hate cancer, I hate that it stole the life that I had planned, and I hate that it stole so many great things from Craig but it didn't steal everything. It couldn't steal Craig's eternal life and it won't steal the faith and hope that I have in God's earthly plan for the rest of my life here. I pray that Ben's Almighty healing is here on earth so that he can be the earthly father that he and his wife have planned.

Today Ben and Lisa updated that he had his port was placed successfully. It was hard to read. I hated Craig's port. It was a constant reminder that cancer was in my house and the skinner he got the more it stuck out on his chest. I think sometimes it bothered him but most the time he just tried to forget about it and thought it was the least of the problem. I remember the day that Dr. Morris said he was going to write orders for a stet placement and the port. I was still holding on to the chance that cancer was not in the cards for us. I knew that when he said port they were longer even thinking we would be that 1% that it wasn't cancer. I remember crying in the hall and telling him that this could not be actually happening, we have three kids at home. I said it like it was going to change his mind. Kind of like I expected him to say "oh really, in that case never mind, it is just a stomach bug." That poor doctor, didn't know what to say. He listened for a long time and then went and wrote the orders for the port placement and the first stet. All this happened so fast that we just began going through the motions of cancer-island. When Ben posted his prayer request for prayers during the port placement all those memories came flooding back. This time they are a part of me, they are a part of my history. They were things that just happened in a step by step motion, it became a part of what I witnessed. One might think that with so much pain in the past what kind of future could be possible for us. But that is not the way that God works. He prepares you for whatever lies ahead, He stands by you as you walk through the fire and then He uses each experience to bring Him glory and help others. So that is what is my future... as He sees fit.

There are a lot of memories or flashbacks that I have about days on cancer island. It is hard to figure out what to do with them. I don't know whether to write post about them and just not publish them. There are things that I don't want to forget and there are things that I think if I write about them then I can leave them in the past. Writing about them may be apart of the healing process. There are some things that I could write about until the end of time and I still will never "get over". The last hours of Craig's life here on earth will forever be etched into my mind and not for good reasons. He was in so much pain and he wasn't physically recognizable. I am not sure how much will be published but I can't let this stuff just sit in my head. I think I would be a crazy women but I haven't figured out where the line is. I guess more to come on that topic, maybe.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, I hate what we have been through, I am jealous that you left the pain down here and you get to rejoice in heaven where there are is no suffering and no tears but I am also so joyful for you. I love you, I miss you and I will see you again.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Father's Day

Thank you for all the prayers today. Today went better than Mother's Day. I had braced the for the worst. We did our best to be thankful for the time that we had with Craig. He was an incredible father to our girls and I will be forever grateful for that so I stayed with that thought throughout the day.

We are also so incredibly grateful for the men that have stepped up in Craig's absences and helped out around the house. We handed out some thank you cards to a few of those guys and it felt great to be able to celebrate wonderful friendships and guys that are following God's request to help us out.
James 1:27

We went to church, out to lunch with friends, then we got balloons and wrote notes to Craig and let them go hoping they would reach him in heaven. This was very helpful to Emily and Morgan. They wrote very sweet and simple notes to him.


Morgan finished with her letter.
Emily's letter to Daddy. So sweet. She is writing more and more.
I bought her a notebook just for notes to Craig or about Craig. She was thrilled.
Ready to let their balloons go. They were concerned it wouldn't be delivered but I tried to tell them know that he took all the love with him so he knows what is in our hearts even if he doesn't get the balloons.

Away they go.


Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, look out for three balloons coming your way!! Morgan was especially concerns that Hannah's balloon was going to take a long time to get there and maybe not make it to you. Just read the notes. Your kids are so smart. Wish you were here to see it. Okay so I wrote one too, you know, just in case it worked. :) You renewed my faith in so much. I couldn't have picked a better guy to have three of the most beautiful girls with. I can't thank you enough for the impact that you have had on my life. The girls are so lucky to have a dad like you even though you don't live here any more your legacy of love and faith is a gift to us each day.
Wish you were here to buy a Hallmark card that doesn't even cover half of the way that I feel about how wonderful you are. I love you. Thanks for all that you have done for us. I hope you had a great Father's Day with your dad and our Heavenly Father. We look forward to celebrating Father's Day with you when we see you again. Happy Father's Day!

Hannah's 2nd Birthday 6/14

Hannah's Birthday Breakfast

Opening gifts on her birthday

A mermaid!

Grater's ice cream cake - yum




sister at the party after dinner



that's a great looking bunch of kids!!

party on the deck!!




We kept Hannah's birthday really simple on purpose this year. It was the first kid birthday without Craig and I knew we couldn't do the same things that we normally do so we kept it simple. Hannah loved her birthday and she had a blast opening gifts and eating ice cream cake. She is talking a lot. She repeats and ask one to two word questions. Her first sentence is "I don't know." It is so sweet when she says it. It sounds like all one word. At times she has quite a temper but she is always loving and silly. She smiles and giggles all the time and we are so blessed to have her.  She is a part of God's plan and she is wonderful piece of the puzzle.  Hannah means gift from God and she is just that.
Happy 2nd Birthday Hannah!

Monday, June 11, 2012

Holiday World 2012

Emily riding the Salmon Run

Hannah riding the Sea Horse

Everyone riding the meriground.

Riding the canoe together
Uncle Frank and Andrew riding in the old fashion cars

Hannah on Salmon Run
Morgan on Salmon Run

Hannah on the big meriground
Uncle Brad and Morgan

Claire and Emily riding the merigoround

Andrew and Adri riding the Merigoround

Bruce teaching fishing on Saturday morning

Mommy and Hannah


Hannah is 2!! "Happy Hannah"

Hannah is so freaking hilarous. "Hannah Goggles, Hannah Goggles"
The family on fiesta night. (yikes, no make-up, you can't wear make-up camping, there are rules against it.)
The golf car right before the parade.
More picture to come. The battery in my camera went dead on Saturday evening, some of these are from my iphone. My brother has more, check back. And sorry they are out of order, it is so hard to move them once they have downloaded to the blog.


We had an awesome time at Holiday World on Friday and we loved camping this weekend. Friday we did the rides until lunch and then we got our swim suits on for the water rides and water park. Emily seems so old. She loved the big water slides. Morgan didn't want to do the ones that she had to do on her own and I am not sure she loved the big ones but she wasn't going to let Emily show her up. Hannah has a great time where ever she goes. She cried and cried when we had to tell her she was too little for some of the rides her sisters could ride on. She really thinks she is the same age as they are. She was too little for the flying eagle ride so I took her on the little train while my brother and cousin Bruce took Emily and Morgan on the flying eagles. We went on the train last year as a family and I remember standing in line and Craig was able to hold Hannah while we waited. I stood there and thanked God that he was healthy enough to hold her b/c there were so many times prior to that point that he was too weak since he was on chemo to hold her for any amount of time. So as we stood in the line without him this year I was really saddened that he was missing so much with our family. I realize that heaven is a lot better than a day at Holiday World but from this point of view I don't see what could be better than hanging with our girls. They were so happy all weekend. We made so many good memories.

Saturday we hung around the campground, fishing and we rented a golf cart that was a huge hit. We swam in the pool. Saturday night's dinner theme was Mexican fiesta. Hannah picked Dora for her party theme this year which was perfect with the Mexican night. She loved her cupcakes and loved when everyone sang happy birthday to her. She would say "Happy Hannah!!" which made me think my kids are doing really well, we are really making it. I am so happy for them to be able to create some great memories but I am so sad that someone will always be missing. Saturday night there was a golf cart parade through the campsite and we decorated our cart with Happy Birthday steamers.
My family doesn't "do" feelings. We joke and we raz each other but we are not a lovey hallmark-card type. This weekend my family was so good to my girls and to me. Without saying a word I felt supported and loved. (I am going to get razed for this). This weekend has built some incredible confidence that Craig was right, I am quite capable of raising these girls. It won't be the same as two parents but with the love of the Lord, the guidance of His plan and the support of my (crazy) family we will be okay. With that confidence has also come hope for the future. Although it was not what I had planned there are parts of me that are eager to see what God has in store for the future. I am (almost) excited.

So thank you for all your prayers for us this weekend. We had a great time.

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss you being a part of our daily life and making memories but I will see you again and be together for eternity.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I miss him

I have never felt like the way that I do at this time. I miss Craig. I feel like I have not seen him in almost 2 years. Although he has only been gone from this earth for almost 3 months so much of our relationship and future changed when he was diagnosed and faded with each stomach ache, lost pound, missed event, naps in the middle of the day, and chemo appointments. I read the Merimee Journey blog and I am instantly reminded how tough life was when Craig was battling cancer, I don't want to go back there. That blog has been such a blessing to be able to remember where we have been so that we can keep taking steps forward. Although we were brutally honestly on that blog was still filtered but it still jogs memories of how hard life was. Memories fill in the blanks of what the blog left out and although life is hard without Craig I wouldn't want him back in the condition he had to live life the majority of the last 6 months of his life. He did so well staying positive while his body deteriorated one pound at a time.


I have to admit even with reading the old blog I am still in shock. My head and heart just keep saying "what the hell just happened to my life." If I could stay in God's word 24/7 it would be wonderful but most the time it just feels like Craig has disappeared from our lives. I know about where he is and I know that he is safe and happy. I grieve with the knowledge that I will see him again but I have to admit I have remind myself of that quite often rather than Craig is just gone. When I am struggling with the girls, it feels like he is just gone. When I go to crack a joke or say something to him that I would only say to him, it feels like he is just gone. When I have a question that only he can answer about our past or the way he feels about something it feels like he is just gone.


The big picture, God-journey is hard to see when you are this close to grief. I really had hoped that I would have stayed as hopeful about life as I did when Craig was sick but right now there is just an emptiness that is hard to remedy at this point in time.


I have faith that God has a plan and He never waste a tear or a struggle to bring Him glory.

So this weekend we are going to Holiday World with my family. I am so very anxious about this trip. It will be the first summer tradition that we do without Craig and the first road trip that I do as a single parent. Although I have help from family it is not the same. It is not that I do not appreciate the help as having to two parents celebrating new memories as a family. There is nothing better than the care of two parents for their kids. So pray that I can ease up on anxiety and enjoy the weekend with my girls. We need this time together to continue to make new memories so I hope that I can focus on that rather than the fact that Craig isn't there.


So before I started my new bible study on Revelation I (almost) finished the book "From One Widow to Another" by Miriam Neff. I highly recommend this read for any widow whether it is a recent event or years later. It has some great insight. Although I feel like it is written for an audience older than I am (duh) there were still a lot of areas that were helpful. Here are some tips for friends and family. Since there aren't too many people that aren't widows reading this book I thought it would be good to copy/paste this list as a reference.
1. Please do stay connected. There is already a huge hole in our universe. Do not assume we need ‘space’ to grieve.

2. Please do say you are sorry for our loss. We would rather you tell us you do not know what to say than tell us your story of loosing your friend or even close relative. We may be able to listen to your story later, but not now. Do not tell us you understand.

3. Do call and ask specifically, “Can we go for a walk together? May I run errands for you? Meet you for coffee? Do not say, “Call me if you need anything.”

4. Do refer to our husband’s acts or words—serious or humorous. We are so comforted by knowing our husband has not been forgotten. Do not leave our husbands out of the conversation.

5. Invite us to anything. We may decline but will appreciate being asked. Do not assume we no longer want to participate in couples events.

6. Do accept that we are where we are. Marriages are brief, long, healthy, dysfunctional, intense, remote. Death comes suddenly or in tiny increments over years. Again our experiences are so different, as are we. So is our journey through grief. Do not assume we go through the outlined grief process ‘by the book.’

7. Walk the talk. Do not make ‘conversation only’ offers. “We’ll call you and we’ll go out to dinner.”—and then not follow up. Yes, we are sensitive in our grieving, but we’d rather hear you say, “I’ve been thinking of you.” than make a ‘conversation only’ offer.


http://www.widowconnection.com/index.html
Here is the website if you want to reference more into a widow's world. 
I can't say that I agree with every one of these but I understand the concept behind each one. I haven't had any conversations that I have walked away from thinking, "are they really that stupid?! they need a list of how to's." There are plenty of conversations that I have thought I know they have the best of intentions and I probably wouldn't know the right thing to say either if I were in their shoes. I also can't stand when people act like they know exactly what they need to say b/c they have been in a crappy situation. Bottom-line whatever is said, thought and prayed about is done with love and that is all we can ask for right now. I would rather someone say something stupid with all the love in their heart than say the "right" thing b/c it was on a list in a book. Yah know?
So I think I am going jump off of here and really pray about this weekend and focus in on what I want to get out of the weekend with the girls. Please pray for us this weekend. It will be fun but tough as well to be without Craig in a favorite summer spot.

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven there are list and list of things I want to update you on and ask you. This blog just wouldn't cover it, so just call me... sigh...

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Hannah's date night with Mommy

Friday night was Hannah's turn for date night. We went out to eat and then to the same Paint Spot at the Summit to do Hannah's plate. She didn't want to paint that long so I am concerned that it will be really light but it is hers so it will be great.



Hannah getting into it.
Mom there is some on my hands. "Towel, towel, towel"
pretty Hannah
Mommy and Hannah :)

Morgan graduates from Junior Kindergarten



God is good and my Morgan is beautiful!


Morgan got the "gummy bear" award for having the sweetest bear hugs.


Morgan is excited to be a Kenwood Station Tiger next school year.
And mommy is excited to have just one with tuition fees. :)  

Trip to the zoo - Friday 6/1/12

Abby and Morgan were giraffe feeding partners. They did so good.
Hayden feeding the giraffe
Abby feeding the giraffe
Emmy's turn was first (I can't get the pictured in order.)
Hannah was terrified and kept hiding from the animals.
Morgan and Em 
Hannah rode on a lion
Morgan enjoying the ride
The zoo gang minus Hannah, who finally found an animal she was scared of (the sea lion)