Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Friday, March 30, 2012

March Madness - A once divided household

So this week will be the biggest game in the bluegrass's history. Basketball is a religion in Kentucky. We don't have any professional teams, UofL and UK is it. When the tournament got underway I thought that this was definitely UK's year. The team is crazy talented and the year that Craig and I met they won it all. 1996 we were still and high school and hadn't formally met yet but we were making decisions that would later be apart of the grand plan and we weren't even aware. We met fall semester in 1996.

During the tournament this year UofL kept winning and low and behold they are up against the Cats in the final 4. I looked back at the blog to see what we were doing this time last year. We traveled to TX to see UK play in the final 4. It was a great weekend to forget what was going on and just be together. I miss him like crazy and I miss the UofL vs. UK banter that would have gone in this house this week. The girls and I would have hid all his UofL gear with the theory that that would have left him with only BLUE to wear. We did this a couple years ago one Friday afternoon before the UK vs. UofL football game. Emily thought it was hilarious and still talks about it. We would have ranted back and forth about the coaches, how one seemed like he retired at the beginning of the season and forgot to tell the staff. The other one would have commented how one coach had to turn in his winnings. blah blah. It would have gone on and on this week. I would have set the dinner table using only the UK cups for dinner. He would have gotten up and dumped his ice cold beverage out and put it in a nasty plastic red cup. He would have spouted off sports stats like he owned ESPN and I would come back with whatever, we'll see what the score board says Saturday evening.
I miss him. I miss my in-house in-state rivalry.
People say Craig is pulling strings for UofL. I'm not sure. I really think we wouldn't have bantered back and forth but in the end he would have agreed that the Blue team really does deserve it more with the way they played the season. We shall see. I still think they are going all the way... spoken like a True Blue fan.

Craig if there are blogs in heaven, I miss you, I love you and I will see you... and Go Cats. Oh and I love you.   

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Feeling that he is Happy

Late in the afternoon the Sunday that Craig died I stepped outside to get the mail that I thought I had forgotten the day before. There was a feeling that Craig was happy. I can't decide it to well but you know when you first walk into a room and you try to get a feel for how a persons mood was and then you just get this vibe without them saying a word? That is what I felt in my front yard. I wish I would have stayed out there all afternoon and soaked it in. The feeling that he was happy, healed, whole, and very okay came over me. It was about 4:00 in the afternoon and he died about 1:15.

I walked outside yesterday to get Emily off the bus and I wanted to so badly for that same feeling to come over me. I had the feeling that he was happy but not as close as he was. He seems more and more distance as I search for these feelings. He must be up to something wonderful. I miss him like crazy. I read emails and FB updates just to try to capture a piece of him before I go to bed.

Monday was so overwhelming. I really thought I could jump back into life without a hitch and reality of an entire new life smacked me in the face. I spent the majority of the day on my couch crying. I can't image my life be as good as it was with him and it is so hard to think are the best days of my life behind me? at age 33? I have to think something wonderful is up ahead. We have worked so hard to try to get through the cancer life but living without Craig is a whole new challenge. It is not something to get through but something to live without and the task at hand seems impossible.

So I grieve with Hope of seeing him again but 50 years seems like so far away that I have to let that thought go. I need to stay day by day b/c the lifetime without him is just too overwhelming.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Overwhelmed

I set up the new blog to mark a new chapter in our lives and then it sat there. I have to say everything seems very overwhelming, even starting a new blog. The scriptures that once brought me comfort just bring back memories of when they did bring me comfort but then end with a feeling of now what. Some hours of the day I am right back where we started. I am grieving the loss of my favorite person and the loss of the life that we built together. I am right back to the why's and even thinking what the heck just happened over the past 17 months. It is a different path than that of cancer, that was a getting through and this seems to be like a path of learning to live without and that is overwhelming.

I know that we will learn a new way just like we did with cancer but it just is very overwhelming...

We are overwhelmed by the out pouring of love that we experiences over the last couple days. The tears and the hugs showed how wonderful of a guys Craig was and it was so good to be around people that love our family.