I have been wanting to update the blog for a while now but I can only do it on one computer in the house and it is not the one that I am normally on. No excuses, I simply haven't taken the time to do it lately. (Does any other bloggers have trouble using blogger? I get "error on page" quite often).
The girls are doing really well settling into school. I went to their Open House at Kenwood Station last week and pulled Morgan's new teacher aside to chat with her. Turns out that she lost her dad at age 5 as well. She told Morgan that after she asked who read to her at home at bedtime. Morgan replied with, "I don't have a dad." Breaks my heart, I want so badly to correct her and say that you do have an awesome dad, he just moved to heaven but I have to let her say it the way she wants to express it. After I left Kenwood that night I sat at the kitchen table finishing up my bible study sobbing for hours. My girls are FINE. I am FINE. We are a well function household. We have movie nights, get ice cream, eat dinner together, run errands, pray together, work on homework, plan special family events and go about our normal existence. It is great to be FINE. It is good to not live life on pins and needles waiting for the next breakdown. It feels like we are on the other side of a very turbulent time. But it is still painful. It may not be something that everyone understands. I don't want my girls to struggle, in fact it hurts so badly to see that and not be able to take it away but for Craig to have died less than two years ago and we are doing FINE, hurts. His life deserves more tears and breakdowns. I can see why people get stuck in grief. It can feel like the only way to hold on to someone. We can't do that. Craig wouldn't want it and it wouldn't following God's plan for the Merimee's. My dad was gone 16 years on September 8th. He had a massive heart attack and died when I was 19. Although it will always be a date that is remembered but there is not much to do any more. The first couple years there was a range of emotional but the further we get away from the date the easier it is to just go through the motions and really not even take a long pause on September 8th. Life goes on. It is frustrating b/c Craig's life is more than just a long pause years down the road. His cancer battle and victory is something to be celebrated and remember but at the same time we can't dwell day after day. I will always love Craig and in some ways always miss him. Sometimes it hurts to be fine. After I stopped crying it took a couple days to put my finger on why I was struggling so badly because we are doing so well. It is not like I want us to fail or continue to hurt but I don't want Craig to be forgotten either. So how does life go on, continue to remember and not hinder or sabotage the healing process just trying to hold on.
Sunday we read out loud this scripture:
2 Corinthians 4: 8-10
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, bit not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
We were pressed by cancer and death but not completely crushed, perplexed by how to live life without Craig but not remaining in despair. We were never abandoned by the Lord, His presence is and was constant. We were struck down but not destroyed b/c our faith and b/c of the amazing person that Craig was. So we are doing okay and working through the devastation that even being fine brings.
Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, we are doing just fine, always wanting to remember you but finding the balance of life must go on. I know that you are happy and healed and that makes it better to be able to move forward here on earth until we meet again. Love you.
