Praying for snow

We are keeping busy with this low-key Christmas which helps heal and truly remember the reason for the season. Today we have baked and crafted and in a bit we are going to visit with Craig's family and exchange gifts. We are doing things a little different this year and keeping things really simple.

I took a walk early this afternoon and cranked up the itunes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcWO3obUhWM as I walked up to Craig's graveside and I listened to "The Reason for the World" which we had in his funeral service. As I walked away and moved throughout the path of the cemetery I listened to "Jesus Paid it All" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7QQGPv1Ikc. We have to remember Easter to understand how important Christmas is. I have been praying for snow for a couple weeks now. There is nothing like the peacefulness of a fresh snowfall. There is a stillness that only the Lord provides. My soul could really use that scene out my french doors. Something like this... well I don't have a lake (yet!!) but you know what I mean.

Be still and know that I am God...Psalm 46

continuing...
Tonight we exchanged gifts with Craig family but didn't stay for dinner as we normally do. I couldn't sit at the table without Craig there this year. We had a blast opening gifts but it was just too much to do dinner this year. Maybe next year.

There are moments where this has unbearable but I have to believe that God has a plan. I trust His plan. Aunt Janie and I talked in the driveway a little bit tonight as we were leaving to go to a friends house for dinner. She reminded me to to be thankful for the time that I had with Craig. Craig and I were engaged on Christmas 2000 and even if someone told me how our marriage would have ended in the way that it did after only 10 years I still would have married him. I would have done it all over again b/c he made me a better person for knowing him and being married to him. He was one of the biggest blessing of my lifetime and even if I knew the ending to our story I still would have done it again and again.

So I am sitting waiting for little ladies to doze off so that I can let Santa in the front door since we don't have a chimney. We are starting a new tradition this year and we are reading the Christmas story before we open gifts. It is important that we remember why we are celebrating before we tearing into piles of wrapping paper. Today was hard but we are making through because we feel God's peace and love. We are healing with each tear and we are hopeful for the future. We are thankful for the friends and family that continue to pray for us and support us through this journey. And we are Joyful about the reason for the season.

If you didn't get a Christmas card from us here it is.

If I hadn't already send the nice card out this would have been our Christmas card and it would have said, "We have had an a$$ of a year but we are still celebrating." And yes she is completely naked... b/c... well that's our Hannah. You just have to laugh at her. Plus she is so darn cute... both ends of her.

Merry CHRISTmas from the Merimee girls!! 

Perpective

If you haven't gotten some perspective on how fragile life is with the recent event in Newtown CT you must not be paying attention. I didn't watch the news reports after the shooting but I did want to pay my respects to the victims and their families so I looked at their pictures online. I don't understand the grief of losing a child but I understand loss. I pray the family's homes are filled with the Peace and Hope that knowing the Lord can bring.

I have been keeping very busy the last week. Busy is very good right now. The girls are SOOOOO very excited for Christmas. They are going to be thrilled with some of the gifts under the tree. I am so excited to see their faces when they open certain gifts. I have been so very down about this Christmas and not having Craig here. I am not just sad about this Christmas but the fact that I have about 50 more without him before we celebrate together again. I am trying to stay in the moment but it is so very overwhelming to anticipate the future. I worked on Emily's Christmas party at school since I am one of the room moms. I picked out a book and had a craft go along with it. I picked the Legend of the Candy Cane so we could get the true meaning of Christmas integrated in the party. I was down that morning but kept praying for strength so that I could entertain 24 busy little 1st graders. As I pulled out of the neighbor heading to school I peaked over at the cemetery Craig is buried in. There was a funeral on the little hill where the babies are buried. The tiny rack was waiting for the miniature casket to by placed on it and the tent was set up for the family to arrive soon. I prayed in the parking lot before going into the party. As I signed in the school office staff let me know that they were having a lock-down drill 10:15 in the middle of the "Holiday" party. Mr. Morris came over the intercom and informed the building to begin the lock-down drill. The children filed under the corner desk away from the door and Ms. B covered the window on the door. You could hear a pin drop throughout the halls and there was a sobering feeling knowing that some of the classrooms in CT would have heard gunfire throughout their halls just three days prior. The kids weren't rattled at all but the moms that were there to help with the party were. Most commented afterwards they prayed through the whole drill or they would have cried for the full 15 minutes. Life is fragile. I am so incredibly grateful for the family that I have. We mourn the loss of Craig this Christmas and there will be tears but there is so much to be joyful about. My girls are thrilled about the Christmas. They know the true meaning of the holiday and they value the family unit that we have. I loved my girls when we were a family of five but I feel so much more close to them now that I realize how fragile life is. I adore them. They are amazing little people and I am so grateful for the family of four that I have.

The true meaning of Christmas is the birth of Christ. That gives us Hope and Peace in all circumstances. So many of the Christmas special try to say that the meaning of Christmas is spending time with family and friends. While their intentions of trying to get away from the commercialism is at step in the right direction it still falls short of the magnitude of the truth. Although we will miss Craig this Christmas it doesn't take away from the fact that God gave His only Son to us to save us. Even know I will miss Craig for the next 50+ Christmases the fact that at some point I will celebrate with him again and for the following 50,000,000,000+ years brings me great joy. That is the reason that God sent Jesus and that can definitely be celebrated! I am committed to work through the grief of missing my beloved husband and friend but my faith tells me to cherish those who I have with me to celebrate now and focus on the true meaning of Christmas.

Craig, I miss you, the changes in our life are so hard but we are doing well as a "all-girl party"...until we see you again (which btw I was a little disappointed the Mayans were wrong). I can't tell you Merry Christmas or I will break down in tears and Hannah is sitting next to me watching the Grinch for the third time today...love you.

Being a mama: Emily's 7th Birthday & thoughts of Decemeber

Writen last week: (perpective from this week - coming soon)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVbfcxgMkA4&feature=youtu.be

I saw this video on WAY-FM facebook page after hearing about it on the radio early that day. I love this song but even more now that I have seen this video. It is a great illustration of what every Christain mama does each day. We try to sing the praises of the Lord, while tending to our children, working hard at our jobs, and maintain the relationships that means so much... and well we hope to look good while doing it. :) I think this is a perfect picture of a mama doing just that. Love it.

On December 13th 2005 Emily Michelle Merimee entered my world and made me that mama. She was a delight from the beginning. Her birthday reminds me that she is such a gift. She is an amazing leader and she makes me want to continue to be a better mom. She is so intelligent, and talented. This last week and weekend we celebrated her 7th birthday. We had dinner and cake with the Grandmas on Thursday and then on Friday we had two fabulous friend spend the night. (pictures to come) She is growing into a fabulous little lady and she makes me want to be a better person in the same way that her Daddy did.

December has been tough. We have been really busy with all the girls activities and Christmas coming up soon. Busy is good but the times that I have time to sit and think I am crushed that Craig is no longer here. Last year we tried to make Christmas as normal as possible. We stayed in the moment and that was the right thing to do but that leaves this year with a lot to think through. This time last year Craig had decided to discontinue treatment but he was feeling good. Things were relatively normal besides the occasional nap and the fact that neither one of were working. We still got to shop together and eat out sometimes. Hang with the girls and watch movies. Although the gradual decline was there we were still enjoying life.

This month I have struggled with the fact that I thought I was ready to let Craig go back in March. I wanted him here but not in the condition he had to live. I knew that he would have a better life in heaven but there are times I that I miss him so very badly that I can't fathom why I thought that. With the holidays upon on us I feel like I am back at square one in the grief process. With time I have forgotten how very sick he was and just remember him and that I miss. I struggle with keeping my concentration for long periods of time. It is really frustrating. To be able to do something that you could do in your sleep but not be able to concentrate long enough to get it done is maddening. There are so many things that are frustrating right now and I am doing my best to stay in His word and cling to Him but it is tiring. I know that all these emotions are things that I have to work through and it will take time. I hate to wish my life away but if we could fast forward through the first Christmas without Craig, the first New Year without Craig and even his 35th birthday I wouldn't mind it. I know that is not how it can be done. I hope to be able to cling to the Lord and walk through the fire and maybe even find joy in the days by focusing on the true meaning. I know that if I do this then I hope to help someone in the future that is going through a time of grief during the holidays.

The Empty Chair and Mary's Song

The meltdown days after Thanksgiving were bad. I didn't feel good about where I was and I had feelings of hopelessness and anger. Anger towards God and Craig. We finished studying The Story two weeks ago with a review of the book of Revelation. I was brought to tears during the sermon for several reasons. I was overwhelmed with gratefulness for the Home that God provided Craig but so jealous he gets to be there. If you have never lost a loved one you might not understand this. You might even think that it is suicidal to think about being with Craig right now. I can tell you, I am not that depressed. I love my life with the girls (most of the time) and wouldn't want that to end short of God's timing but there are times that I want to be in the same room with Craig and if that means heading Home then so be it. It is not a "I want to die" thought it is simply wanting to be where he is. (Just a hint if you want to be there and support someone that is grieving don't look at them like they have nine heads, when they say stuff like that, ask questions so you understand what they are saying). So I was mad that I was left here to figure things out and he is hanging out in paradise with JC. Cue 2-year-old temper tantrum: NOT FAIR!!!!! I met Craig when I was 18 so we have figured out a lot of things in life together. We did business school together, bought (and sold) two houses, bought and traded six cars, made three kids, juggled home and careers, grew in faith, loved friends, threw parties... etc etc. So the fact that I am essentially figuring out life by myself and he is hanging out without a care of the world, ticks me off at times!! There are struggles that he never has to think about. We decided everything TOGETHER and now it just me. Sometimes I think too much but I have to, my girls are too good for mom to be nuts and just do whatever makes her happy for 5 minutes. Lately I probably have been thinking too much and praying too little.

When I walked into church service last week I was thinking there has to be a way to turn this around. There has to be a way to still have a peaceful and joyful Christmas even with the great loss that we are experiencing. I knew after Thanksgiving I had to get more of a focus on the Hope of Christ rather than who was not going to be there. It is really really really hard to work through this stuff. Last year's Christmas I wouldn't even let my mind plan for this Christmas. I remember putting away the ornaments with our wedding date on them last year and thinking "will I put these up next year?" "what do I do with them?" And then just shutting off those questions off and thinking, I will cross that bridge when I came to it. This year I put all the ornaments on the tree from our vacations and even the one from our honeymoon. But the ones that say "Our First Christmas 2002" or "We said I Do in 2002" remained in the storage container. The memories of our family still live on but my marriage is over. Emily asked why I didn't want those ornaments on the tree and I simple said they are wedding ornaments and I am not married any more. She was fine with that answer. There weren't tears, just that was that. There wasn't much talk or preparation about this year's Christmas last year. We were staying in the moment and keeping things as normal as possible. This year leaves me with a blank slate on what to do. I could easily cry my way through the season and remain distraught but I want to make the effort to draw closer to the Lord. Clinging to Him was what got us through the cancer-journey successfully. The grief journey is so very different. The biggest difference to me is not having Craig here. There were times that him and I would talk about doctors appointments and how certain news made us feel. It was good to have that person that was there and could talk through some things. But that is not the case with this. I have friends that will listen but it is not the same. I have made friends going through similar losses and that helps out SOOOO much but it is still not the same as a partner in life going through a journey together. Generally the grief journey is much less intense than the cancer-journey was. In a way you would think that would be easier but the intensity of the situation made me cling to Christ each day and that make that relationship so much stronger. But with the grief journey and creating new normal the intensity is not there so I have to intentionally pray to Him. My goal for this Christmas season is to be more prayerful, focus more on the birthday of Christ.

Kyle sermon this past week was a great start to this. The topic was Mary. Who she was, what she was like etc. Some churches put too much into her, stating that she is the queen of heaven but her humble spirit is what brought her favor from God so to say that she the queen doesn't fit into why God choose her. From an earthly perspective she was powerless, young, uneducated, and engaged to a nobody. But from God's perspective since she had a humble spirit she was a perfect fit for the role. Humility opens the door to God's favor. This Christmas season I can not have prideful thinking: "I can get through this." "I can make due" etc etc. Those thoughts will shut the door on God's favor. This Christmas season I need to surrender the holiday over to the Lord and His peace will be present. There will be tears but there were tears during the cancer-journey and there was a lot of His Hope and His Joy during that journey. I have failed to stay in the spirit of surrender and it has felt really rotten. I have been very selfish and it doesn't feel good and it is a slippery slope in this world. The things that made us successful in cancerland was clinging to Him and praying for others. I have not been doing that so it is time to switch gears and focus on the birth of Christ and what that means. He wants more for us than to just make due and my girls deserve better than that. He gave the gift of His son so we have plenty to celebrate.
James 4:10 "Humble Yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up."

http://www.southeastchristian.org/?page=4754

I started a new book last night called "The Empty Chair." I read the first chapter and it is really good. I thought it would be tips on how to survive the season without a loved one, and it is, but really the goal is to be able to feel God's Love and peace even with loss. It reminds me of one of my favorites that got me through some tough times in cancerland, "Living With Thorns". It is not a "it's going to be okay" blow-sunshine book. It is more like, this is hard but God is good. Love it. Our hope is in the Lord. I have said it on other post that I was in a place of "now what." I have struggled with knowing where Home is but it seems so far off. So many bible verses talk about when we get Home and there are times when I want to scream "BUT WHAT ABOUT NOW!". My hope (I am getting excited about the possibility) for this Christmas season is that I have the courage and strength to surrender to Him so that I can in turn feel His Peace and Joy. My hope is for tears of love b/c I miss Craig but not out of hopelessness for our future without him. I know that a lot of you still pray for the Merimee girls. Please don't pray for us to just survive the Christmas season this year but please pray for strength to be humble enough to accept His gift and I can lead the girls to do the same in their own way. Just surviving is not what God wants for us. He wants us to grow in faith and sometimes that means tears and it always means clinging to Him. We still have a lot to celebrate this year. Craig's legacy is one of gratefulness in all circumstances and we have that to celebrate as well as the birth of Jesus.

Those who Hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31