The Empty Chair and Mary's Song

The meltdown days after Thanksgiving were bad. I didn't feel good about where I was and I had feelings of hopelessness and anger. Anger towards God and Craig. We finished studying The Story two weeks ago with a review of the book of Revelation. I was brought to tears during the sermon for several reasons. I was overwhelmed with gratefulness for the Home that God provided Craig but so jealous he gets to be there. If you have never lost a loved one you might not understand this. You might even think that it is suicidal to think about being with Craig right now. I can tell you, I am not that depressed. I love my life with the girls (most of the time) and wouldn't want that to end short of God's timing but there are times that I want to be in the same room with Craig and if that means heading Home then so be it. It is not a "I want to die" thought it is simply wanting to be where he is. (Just a hint if you want to be there and support someone that is grieving don't look at them like they have nine heads, when they say stuff like that, ask questions so you understand what they are saying). So I was mad that I was left here to figure things out and he is hanging out in paradise with JC. Cue 2-year-old temper tantrum: NOT FAIR!!!!! I met Craig when I was 18 so we have figured out a lot of things in life together. We did business school together, bought (and sold) two houses, bought and traded six cars, made three kids, juggled home and careers, grew in faith, loved friends, threw parties... etc etc. So the fact that I am essentially figuring out life by myself and he is hanging out without a care of the world, ticks me off at times!! There are struggles that he never has to think about. We decided everything TOGETHER and now it just me. Sometimes I think too much but I have to, my girls are too good for mom to be nuts and just do whatever makes her happy for 5 minutes. Lately I probably have been thinking too much and praying too little.

When I walked into church service last week I was thinking there has to be a way to turn this around. There has to be a way to still have a peaceful and joyful Christmas even with the great loss that we are experiencing. I knew after Thanksgiving I had to get more of a focus on the Hope of Christ rather than who was not going to be there. It is really really really hard to work through this stuff. Last year's Christmas I wouldn't even let my mind plan for this Christmas. I remember putting away the ornaments with our wedding date on them last year and thinking "will I put these up next year?" "what do I do with them?" And then just shutting off those questions off and thinking, I will cross that bridge when I came to it. This year I put all the ornaments on the tree from our vacations and even the one from our honeymoon. But the ones that say "Our First Christmas 2002" or "We said I Do in 2002" remained in the storage container. The memories of our family still live on but my marriage is over. Emily asked why I didn't want those ornaments on the tree and I simple said they are wedding ornaments and I am not married any more. She was fine with that answer. There weren't tears, just that was that. There wasn't much talk or preparation about this year's Christmas last year. We were staying in the moment and keeping things as normal as possible. This year leaves me with a blank slate on what to do. I could easily cry my way through the season and remain distraught but I want to make the effort to draw closer to the Lord. Clinging to Him was what got us through the cancer-journey successfully. The grief journey is so very different. The biggest difference to me is not having Craig here. There were times that him and I would talk about doctors appointments and how certain news made us feel. It was good to have that person that was there and could talk through some things. But that is not the case with this. I have friends that will listen but it is not the same. I have made friends going through similar losses and that helps out SOOOO much but it is still not the same as a partner in life going through a journey together. Generally the grief journey is much less intense than the cancer-journey was. In a way you would think that would be easier but the intensity of the situation made me cling to Christ each day and that make that relationship so much stronger. But with the grief journey and creating new normal the intensity is not there so I have to intentionally pray to Him. My goal for this Christmas season is to be more prayerful, focus more on the birthday of Christ.

Kyle sermon this past week was a great start to this. The topic was Mary. Who she was, what she was like etc. Some churches put too much into her, stating that she is the queen of heaven but her humble spirit is what brought her favor from God so to say that she the queen doesn't fit into why God choose her. From an earthly perspective she was powerless, young, uneducated, and engaged to a nobody. But from God's perspective since she had a humble spirit she was a perfect fit for the role. Humility opens the door to God's favor. This Christmas season I can not have prideful thinking: "I can get through this." "I can make due" etc etc. Those thoughts will shut the door on God's favor. This Christmas season I need to surrender the holiday over to the Lord and His peace will be present. There will be tears but there were tears during the cancer-journey and there was a lot of His Hope and His Joy during that journey. I have failed to stay in the spirit of surrender and it has felt really rotten. I have been very selfish and it doesn't feel good and it is a slippery slope in this world. The things that made us successful in cancerland was clinging to Him and praying for others. I have not been doing that so it is time to switch gears and focus on the birth of Christ and what that means. He wants more for us than to just make due and my girls deserve better than that. He gave the gift of His son so we have plenty to celebrate.
James 4:10 "Humble Yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up."

http://www.southeastchristian.org/?page=4754

I started a new book last night called "The Empty Chair." I read the first chapter and it is really good. I thought it would be tips on how to survive the season without a loved one, and it is, but really the goal is to be able to feel God's Love and peace even with loss. It reminds me of one of my favorites that got me through some tough times in cancerland, "Living With Thorns". It is not a "it's going to be okay" blow-sunshine book. It is more like, this is hard but God is good. Love it. Our hope is in the Lord. I have said it on other post that I was in a place of "now what." I have struggled with knowing where Home is but it seems so far off. So many bible verses talk about when we get Home and there are times when I want to scream "BUT WHAT ABOUT NOW!". My hope (I am getting excited about the possibility) for this Christmas season is that I have the courage and strength to surrender to Him so that I can in turn feel His Peace and Joy. My hope is for tears of love b/c I miss Craig but not out of hopelessness for our future without him. I know that a lot of you still pray for the Merimee girls. Please don't pray for us to just survive the Christmas season this year but please pray for strength to be humble enough to accept His gift and I can lead the girls to do the same in their own way. Just surviving is not what God wants for us. He wants us to grow in faith and sometimes that means tears and it always means clinging to Him. We still have a lot to celebrate this year. Craig's legacy is one of gratefulness in all circumstances and we have that to celebrate as well as the birth of Jesus.

Those who Hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31