Charity Homes Celebration

Craig at Myrtle Beach - September 2010 - 2 weeks before being diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer

This week has been crazy getting everything together for the Charity Homes Celebration in Norton Commons. We are in the midst of getting a display table together that will feature material about pancreatic cancer, pictures of the walk we did in Indy in June 2011, pictures of Craig and purple hersery kisses (for those who love a little chocolate). The home will showcase some of Emily and Morgan's artwork from art therapy. The first day is this Saturday and I have to say I will be excited to get the event underway.

Little nuts right now.

If you are planning on going but haven't gotten a ticket you can purchase them at the event, just make sure that you tell them at the front that you want to support the PanCan house in honor of Craig Merimee.

When you go to the event make sure that you vote for the PanCan house at the end of the tour. The house that gets the most votes has a potential to receive up to $50K for their charity. That would get us that much closer to finding more solutions for pancreatic cancer. 

The Charity Homes Celebration goes from 9/29 - 10/14.

Wednesdays and Fridays 4-8p and Saturdays and Sundays 12-6p  

Thanks for your support!!

article

http://restministries.com/2011/03/29/does-grief-have-a-timeline/

Good article on grief.

UK alumni hayride

This past Sunday we joined the Graviss family at the UK alumni hayride event held at Spindle Top, right outside of Lexington. We had a great time getting into the Fall season. :)



The petting zoo



painting pumpkins



Morgan got candy corns painted on her face.





Hannah got CATS paws on her face.





Painted pumpkin masterpieces :)






Emily picked a pumpkin to be painted on her face.

 



Hannah and Mommy






Lavin and Mallory

The hayride.

Waiting for the hayride



Elephant Shoes

This past Tuesday, 9/18/12, Craig was gone 6 months. I wrote a blog post but decided to keep it to myself for right now. For the most part the day went by like any other. I haven't really gotten caught up with the monthly anniversaries. Yes he was gone 6 months on Tuesday, but he was gone 6 months and 2 days today, not that much difference, he is still not here, the 18th of the month is not much different than the 20th quite frankly. Although the day stuck out a bit more than any other day of the month, and I kept myself extra busy that evening but really wasn't that much different than any other day.

I have struggled this week with not struggling "enough". That makes no sense, I know. There is a part of me that feels pressure to make myself just sit on the couch and cry and cry. Honestly I did have a meltdown today but more b/c I was overwhelmed with everything I have to do by myself.

So whoever made the rule "Don't make any big decisions the first year you have lost your husband" clearly wasn't 34 with three kids. Not making decisions is not really an option around here. The dishwasher broke a couple weeks ago and this week I finally made a decision on which car to buy. I sold Craig's car to my mom a couple weeks ago after her 15 year old Saturn finally was declared "done". After MUCH research and test driving different options, I decided on the GMC Acadia. It fits our needs much better than the Acura that I had. The Acura had over 100K miles on it and it didn't feel comfortable not having anyone here at home if something did go wrong while out and about. The Acadia is loaded including a DVD player for the girls. Yes, I did treat us to that and I don't regret it. It is impossible to load a portable one and drive up I-71 at the same time. So it was tough to work through the options, and make a decision on my own but I did it. I don't regret the decision or the timing but today I stopped and thought am I doing this whole first year wrong?! There seems to be these unwritten rules for the first year of widowhood, that you shouldn't make big decisions, you shouldn't even think about dating, you should just sit on your couch and cry with a black hoodie on for a whole year after your husband dies. There were lots of decisions that WERE put on whole for a year (+) b/c we were making treatment decisions and it was too overwhelming to decide on anything else. Not making a decision on a dishwasher wasn't even an option a week ago. We aren't going to live on paper plates and hand washing dishes every night. So I picked out one with the help of a friend that listen to what I liked about the old one and helped dig through the website to find the best option for the money. I don't know if I am doing this "first year as a widow" right but quite frankly I am doing the best that I can and we are happy. We have our moments of missing Craig and being overwhelmed but most days we are fine and I am sick of feeling guilty about that b/c some unwritten rules.

I wrote a blog post in April that I never published. I wasn't sure it was fair to share details of the very end of Craig's life. But I feel like it is small piece of what I miss still 6 months later so I would like to share it. We had little things that were just ours. I miss being us still. So here is the blog post that was written 4/20/12:

We had this fun game that we played at our house. We wouldn't say it out loud but if you mouth "Elephant Shoes" to someone it looks like you are saying "I love you." So we would look at each other and mouth "elephant shoes" or "I love you" and the person would try to guess whether you were saying "Elephant Shoes" or "I love you." Adorable, fun game. We would also say elephant shoes to the girls if we were in front of friends just in case they didn't want to be embarrassed b/c mom/dad were being too mushy. It was like our little code words.

After Craig was admitted to the hospital and settled in his room on the morning that he died , I was asking him if he was more comfortable and letting him know what was going on. In the state he was in I really couldn't figure out his mental state and if he was following along with what was happening throughout the morning so I was trying to fill him in. After the general state of the union I let him know that I loved him etc. etc. and then I asked him if I said "elephant shoes" would he know what I meant. Most of his body including most of his face were stiff and then wasn't a lot of response as far as facial features. His hands and arms were cold and most of him was lifeless. He could talk until about an hour before he died other than that his body was simple shutting down. When I asked if he understood "elephant shoes" he nodded slightly and his upper lip raised as if he were smiling. Makes me smile to think we still had our little inside jokes as a family even up until the very end.

I am so grateful for the time that I had with him. I hurt for my girls b/c they simply didn't get enough time with the guy that would love them more than anyone else on this planet. I'm tearful at times that Plan A didn't pan out the way that I had hoped but still eager to see what is in store for Plan B. I am grateful for all that God has provided in the form of old and new friends, and joy in a time that "should" be utter darkness.

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11

Craig, I miss "us". I will see you again but until then we are doing good. Elephant shoes :)

Thankful Thursday - God provides

Last week I wrote a couple blog post but didn't post them. They were journal entries and not really a reflection of the house but more just working through things going on in my head. sorry for the hiatus on ThThs.

I got our HHI professional pictures in the mail last week and began to hang them in frames throughout the house. I stress about what pictures to replace each time we get family photos taken but it was even more stressful updating some those that have been around the house for years and years. It is hard to figure out which pictures to keep up of Craig and which to replace with more recent ones. I want to remember the good times that we had as a family but I also want the pictures displayed around the house to reflect where we are and who we are today. Family pictures have always been a big deal to me and obvious continue to be. So I did replace some wedding and engagement photos in my bedroom with some of the ones on the beach of the girls. Each step forward is taken with prayer and intention. If it doesn't feel like the right time that I simply leave it be until it feels right. Some might think that I may move to slow on taking steps and some might think that I move entirely too fast. Please know that nothing is changed without many conversations with God.

I took another big step (if you want to call it that) and moved Craig's clothes out of the closet and the dresser to the storage area in the basement. I didn't throw anything away but I feel the need to make the space mine rather than ours. I have read widow's blog posts where the widow tearfully removes her late husband's clothes smelling each piece. I did not do this. I packed the clothes in bins and went on about the evening. Later that night I went back into my room to get ready for bed and second guessed myself. I sat down on my bed and thought oh no here comes the meltdown, and I reached for my iphone and checked my email one last time for the evening before I intended to go to sleep and saw that a widower acquaintance had emailed and said that he didn't know what was going on this evening but that God had put me on His heart and he felt the need to reach our via email. He included Psalm 56:8 (You have stored my tears in your bottle and counted each of them.) to illustrate how God loves and cares for each of us so much. I knew the second that I read that email that God wanted me to be peaceful and joyful about where we are in our lives and it was OKAY to remove Craig's clothes from my room. We love and miss Craig but it is also time to feel the joy He wants for us after the long cancer journey. There are times that I feel guilty for how well we are adjusting without him but I know that it is only through the strength of God's presence that we can be doing this. This strength that brings such peace from the Creator, who I am to say I do not accept it and replace it with guilt. That is not what God intends for my life right now. He wants my family to be OKAY and we are b/c of all the ways He provides each day. Without that email I probably would have laid awake crying or worried whether I removed the clothes too soon etc. God provided in a major way through a simple note from (basically) a stranger.

Last week was a week of moving forward and receiving the gifts that God provides. So my Thankful Thursday is a big one this week. I am so thankful for a God that never leaves us and never forsakes us. He cares for us so much he keep all of our tears we shed in a bottle. He wants us desperately to cling to Him so that we can receive His gifts of peace and joy regardless of the circumstances.

Thank you, Lord for all that you have provided. :)

Why?

http://www.southeastchristian.org/default.aspx?page=4754&series=12

Today I was in need of reminding myself to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. It was a refocus day. While I worked I tuned into Jeremy Camp on YouTube. Yesterday I was searching for my UK diploma so that I could put it in the frame that I bought for Craig when we were engaged. It is big one with Memorial Coliseum on the top and a place for the diploma on the bottom. I still haven't found it but while I was searching I found paperwork that was nothing big but it was an illustration that we (Craig and I) had a LIFE before cancer. It took me back to a "normal, non-cancer, non-widow" life. It shook my security in where I am in my life right now. I was content in turning the next page in this journey and keep moving forward but it reminded me of a plan that we had that never came to be. And it took a bit to dig deeper today to stay in His plan for my family and not be anxious about the future.

The sermon linked above was the sermon that Dave Stone preached the Sunday after Craig was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic stage 4 cancer and given 3-6 months to live. The sermon is simple titled "WHY?" (HELLO can we say timely?!!) We had just finished up a 4 week series on prayer. I can't say the Prayer series was an earth-shattering series as we sat through it to be honest but when the time came (a week later) it was put into practice and became life-changing. The One Question Series, starting with the question WHY in week one, kicked off a 17 month battle of cancer for Craig and a 17 month farewell for me. I know that the cancer battle had much purpose to it and this sermon reminded me to fix my eyes on Jesus through every battle and every normal day regardless what normal looks like.

In the sermon Dave states that the hour that Southeast packed the Blankenbaker building with every single seat filled to see and hear Bear Grylls' testimony during Momentum week might be noted as the finest hour that Southeast has ever had. It might be; but not because the church filled every seat in a huge building including overflow rooms b/c of a celebrity came to town (in my opinion). It was SE finest hour b/c two 32 year old sat in room 313 at Norton Old Brownsboro Crossing crying about the most horrific news possible and said "His will be done." It was SE that lead us to have that courage to say that and it is my relationship (which continues to flourish at SE) that allows me to be secure in my future regardless of the bumps in the road ahead.
Just took a little refocus today to remember that...

thanks for listening. I feel better now.