The Elf on the Shelf

So yesterday I made it until 4:00 without crying. I felt like I had made a turn. Things were still on my mind but I could think through them without sobbing. That was until Hannah and I sat down to read a book. Our Elf on the Shelf, Joshua, was a bit late this year getting to the Merimee household since we were in Chicago. He arrived Monday. We hadn't read his story yet but we planned to. Yesterday afternoon Hannah was having a 2-year old meltdown, one were every question the answer is no, including if I give you a $100 will you stop crying? "No." I still haven't a clue what the breakdown was about but as she stood there in a purple sparkle flapper dress-up dress and Mermaid high heels with snot and tears running from her face we decided to sit on the floor to read. I grabbed our Elf on the Shelf book and found Craig's note tucked in the front page. And then I had tears (and snot) running from my face. Two Merimee girls sitting on the floor melting down...

Craig didn't tell me that he left that note and I can visualize him thinking about whether he should leave it or not. I remember him putting Joshua away on Christmas Eve last year. I imagine him writing the note and wanting to say much more but couldn't. Then I can image he stuck it in the book and then took it out trying to think about whether it would cause more pain than joy. I am actually surprised that he didn't say anything to me but I know Craig and I know that he thought and thought about this note before putting it away for the year. It is a perfect example of who he was. A man of few words but the words he spoke were well thought out and meaningful. He taught me so much. I am sure that after he put Joshua and his book safely in the box and stored away he sat down and had a good cry. He knew that he would miss Christmas with us this year and all he could do was stuff a note in a book that he knew we would read over and over throughout the Christmas season.

I told Em and Morgan about the note last night but with choir we didn't have time to sit down and read it and the book. They look forward to it tonight.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, DUDE! you're killing me! I'm trying to get through a day without crying! Cut it out! Miss you. Love you.

hitting the pause button

I read my last blog post about the intensity of the situation waining: Ha. not so much now that that the holiday season is upon us.

We went to Chicago for Thanksgiving. My brother lives there. It was on purpose that we were planning on doing something different this year. It would take away from the intensity that there was someone missing at the dinner table. It worked, although Craig was missed in so many other ways this past weekend but it was good to be away. I can't tell you how much I miss someone loving my kids in the way that I do. We have an awesome support system and people love my kids but the love between a parent and child is like no other. The fact that they only get that daily from one parent is devastating to me right now. No one gets a child like a parent does. God designed a family with a mom and a dad for a reason. Although I trust God's plan I can't help but to question it when it comes to the girls. I hate to be negative Nelly but regardless how many friends I have that love my girls, I am a single mom and they only have one parent on earth to love and care for them. I know the legacy that Craig left behind is a great one and they are blessed to have a dad like him but I still have to grieve the loss of my family of 5. I have hope we will be a family of 5+ depending on what God has in store for us in the future but the simple fact that we are not the Merimee Family as originally intented deserves a long pause for some grieving time.

It is hard to write on this blog. It is not like the Merimee Journey. That situation we were getting through a struggle, this phase of the journey we are trying to figure out how to live with loss and process past memories. Writing here is different. I can't descibe it very well but it the reason this blog isnt updated as much as the last one. There were events in the cancer journey that sparked feelings that need to be expressed. Same with this one but they are not scans or last times... it is first times and how can we continue to move forward. I dont want it to be repetitve. I guess I need to write for me and for God rather than an audience of blog followers though. hmmm... I have thought about this a lot before the Thanksgiving break... maybe more to come...

Emily and Morgan went to Chicago with Craig in early fall 2011. I was supposed to go but I just needed a weekend at home, I was struggling so they went ahead without me and Hannah. When we arrived in Chicago this past weekend memories of that trip flooded back for Emily and Morgan. They talked about where Daddy slept in Brad's apartment, what they saw, what bus and train they road on around the city that weekend. They have so many great memories of that trip. I so happy for them and heartbroken at the same time. This weekend we went to the Science and Industry Museum on Friday morning. The Christmas exhibit was the history of Snoopy. This center of the museums was all Snoopy stuff. Craig loved the peanuts. Most cards he bough people were Snoopy. Early in our marriage I enstated a no-Snoopy card policy for my cards. :) We have several Snoopy ornaments on our Christmas tree. Craig's lovey was a snoopy stuffed animal when he was a baby. It was hard walking through the museum, he would have loved it. I hate that he missed it.

As we road on the bus to the parade Thursday morning, Emily was talking about one of her memories from the trip with Craig in 2011.  I was missing him so badly at the moment. A man stepped on the bus. He was an older man maybe in his 70s. He was so thin, I could see the bones in the back of his skull and his eye were sunk in. He was healthy enough to get on and off the bus and walk through the streets of Chicago but how thin and fragile he looked reminded me how very sick and fragile Craig was. The last weeks of his life I could see every bone in his body through yellowish fragile skin. I am still so thankful that he is healed from cancer and he is happy and at Home but at this point for me I am in a place of "now what". What do we those memories, (the good and the bad)? What am I supposed to next? I thought I had some of it figured out but the holidays have reminded me of what has been lost and I am once again taken back by how much has changed in two years time.

At times I feel stupid. I stayed very day to day and I think a lot of people were way ahead of me thinking about our future without Craig. I am sure that there are people out that thought "what is she going to do when..." and I my response would be I will cross that bridge when we get there. I really wanted to just put one foot in front of the other and we are doing pretty good at that. We pause and grieve when we need to but keep moving forward. I don't want to get to the point where I am just so bitter about life going on so it does take me some time to really think about the past and what the future holds. My day to day thinking was really based on scripture.

Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I know that my future is in God's hands and I need to just concentrate on today. I am sure to some people I looked and sounded ridiculous when I said we were doing good. We are doing good, except when we are not. The "not" times usually end up on this blog. It is great way to think through some of these things that get stuck in my head at times. And right now I am stuck and not sure what is the next step to keep moving. I had plans to go to the Dave Matthews Band concert next week and it sounds like torture right now. I want to make fun plans and keep moving in the right direction but right now I am at a stopping point. The holidays remind me of what we have lost and to try to have fun through that doesn't seem feasible. Ugh, I am so ticked off at that DARN pancreas.

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, I hope you are having a good time b/c quite frankly I am pretty ticked off at your pancreas.

just an update

I have been slacking a little bit on Thankful Thursdays b/c I am doing thankful days on Facebook this month. I could list all those things here but I figure I would give you an update of what has been going on around here.

Things have been normal here. We seem to be figuring out the new normal without Craig day by day. Every day we miss him but the intensity of the situations seems to have settled down a bit lately. We ran on high emotions for so long it feels very strange to just be settled into new normal. At times I think maybe I am getting depressed but I think it is really just the difference in the intensity of the past vs. now. Although we have daily struggles we are working through those.

I can say for a fact that raising three girls is not a job for one person. I am struggling with the schedules and after school activities and only Emily and Morgan have them. The thought of Hannah having hobbies in the future makes me crazy. After the holidays we are getting down to one activity each. This week has put me over the edge. Mondays Morgan has soccer, Tuesdays Emily has dance, Wednesdays Emily has choir, today they were doing art therapy, tomorrow we are going to Light up the Summit (more on that later), Saturday Emily has Edge (which is extra projects on top of what they do at school), Saturday evening Emily has choir performances and Sunday she has more choir. So after this week we should be getting back into easier times. Choir has been a bit intense this week. I think the performance should be fun but I am wondering if Emily will do it again next year... we will see. Lesson learned: ease up on the after school stuff, quality time with them is more important.

Tuesday morning I went to donuts with dad at Kenwood (Emily and Morgan's school). I gave them a choice to take Scott, Brent, me or just skip it. They said they wanted me to go. I was the only mom there that day. As I drove passed Craig's plot (you can't get into my neighborhood without driving past the cemetery that Craig's body rest in) I cried. It isn't fair that he didn't get to go to donuts with dad with our girls. It is just not fair!! It is not a major event in their lives but it is still one that he should have gone to. They didn't say anything and it didn't seem to bother them. It didn't bother me too much there other than I was the only chick in the gym eating donuts but it really caught me when I pulled passed the cemetery on the way home. He got to go with Emily last year and I remember sitting on the couch later that night and he worried about who would go to things like that with them. He didn't want them to miss out and he didn't want them to be singled out and feel awkward not being able to go. I told him then that we would just take one event at a time and deal with them as they come along. I then made a joke that I wont repeat on here but we laughed together and I think he felt comfortable knowing that I was going to be able to tackle each situation as they come. So we are. I don't know some days we do it well some days not to much but we are doing it one day at a time.

Donuts with Dad 2012 (what a goofy picture but whatever)

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, we miss you, we love you and we will see you again.

UK game 2012: 10/20/12

 

The Shelton Family and us at lunch.

 

Me and the girls loving the CATS (even though they are terrible)

 

Future Delta Gammas at the DG house at UK

Emily and Morgan love hanging with Brian, Bruce and Brad at the game.

Tailgating with my girls. Hannah will get to go next year.

So I am way late with this picture update but nonetheless. We finished up art therapy that morning and went out to lunch with some dear friends that we met at Norton Hospital. The Shelton's appointment was always at 11:00 am while Emily and Morgan was at 10:00. So they came early to and we stayed late to hang with them. The Shelton's lost their dad about two months ago to brain cancer. We have a lot of unfortunate things in common but a wonderful friendship has blossomed over time and we are thankful to have them in our lives.

 

After we finished up at lunch we headed to Lexington to tailgate with the family as we have done for many years. I thought that being on campus would be hard but if you can remember it wasn't the first time I had to go to the annual event with just me and the girls. Last year Craig was planning to go but with a last minute stomach issues he opted to stay home and we went with out him (sobbing most of the way down I64). Although it was a relief to not have that stress it was difficult to be on campus without him. It was hard to look at the Blanding tower and have great memories of freshmen year and not have him there to share it with him. His fraternity house is no longer the Lambda Chi house, another fraternity is in there, but the library that we walked to together still sits between the two houses. Some parts of campus are really different than when we were there but it still jogged great memories. When I think of how sick Craig was then it makes sense that he is no longer with us but if you travel back in time 15 years then my life makes no sense and quite frankly the week after the trip was really hard. I enjoyed the game and the tailgate but to think back to all that has changed since we walked that campus was a lot to digest. It really took my breathe away. I wish I would have blogged more that week. This always help work through some of those unsettling feelings but I didn't. I should have. I have learned that I need to take the time to digest good memories as well as the bad memories of the past 2 years. The healing process is not about just sitting around and crying it really about taking the time to reflect on the good and the bad. My goal has always been to walk through the fire rather than around b/c that is what is going to make the person that God wants me to be. Taking time for myself to just think/blog/chat is all apart of that.

We did have a great time. They girls love being with family and I feel very fortunate to have such a wonderful group of guys for them to hang out with. They have wonderful role models of Godly men all around them and I am really grateful for that. And we can only assume that basketball season will be much better than football season. Go CATS!

 

Trip to Cincinnati for Fall Break

 

 

 

 

Two weeks ago we took a trip to northern KY area for the end of fall break. We visited the Newport Aquarium and stay the night in a hotel with an indoor pool. We met up with some new friends, Jenny and her girls. I have mentioned Jenny on this blog before. She lost her husband in Afghanistan about 6 weeks after Craig died. Although the reason for our friendship coming to be is not a pleasant one it is really a gift to have someone the same age going through a similar thing. It is nice to have someone to compare notes with and to say things that others do not understand. Her girls are so wonderful and everyone got along really well.

 

From there we went to Kristy and Bruce's house for the rest of the weekend which included a family shower to Jeanie and Brian. Great weekend and a great way to wrap up Oldham County Fall break.

 

Thankful Thursday: Halloween pictures

Halloween

The girls and I had a blast walking around the neighborhood yesterday trick or treating. We weren't sure that Hannah was going to go b/c she decided not to nap at school but she powered through it and had a blast. I am so thankful for my girls. I am so thankful for the people they are. Each of them are so different and we have such a great time together. I love them more each day.

Last weekend we went to Cincinnati for the last couple days of fall break. As soon as I can find the camera cord to download pictures I will update the blog. We had a great time too.



Please pray for me. I have been struggling with just trying to process all that has happened in the past two years. The past is overwhelming to think about what Craig went through while he battled cancer. It still breaks my heart to think about what he endured. During those times I am so thankful he has been fully healed. But the thoughts of should I have done something different are haunting. The present is overwhelming at times. There have been many days that I have said that raising three girls is not a job for one person. Trying figure out this normal is difficult. During those times I just miss Craig. To think of the future is often hopeful but also so scary. Although I am hopeful that God will lead me to the right person in His time, dating and relationships are much more complicated that the last time I did it. All these details are so very overwhelming to think about at the same time. I feel a little scattered right now. I am taking some time to just think through some things and get the help that I need around the house. Anyway, just pray that I have the courage and streghth to surrender the memories to Him so that He can continue to make it into a testimony that brings Him all the glory. Please pray that each day I can find the strength to continue on as a single mom. And please pray that I can continue to trust Him for our future.

More to come... stay tuned for pictures.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, I am so sorry for what you had to endure Halloween 2010. Just witnesses that was one of the hardest weeks of the journey. I am sorry that I didnt realize how very miserable you were. I wanted so badly for you to be with us. I just hated that you weren't healthy enough to enjoy the things that you once did. We miss you. You're girls are so smart and so fabulous. Love you. See you again.