for KING & COUNTRY - Baby Boy

I love this song for the Christmas season. I went to a grief workshop for the surviving the holidays back in November. The main thing that I took away from it was the Jesus came to end our suffering. God put Him on this earth to teach us how to live in Peace and Joy and SAVE us from this world with so much suffering. Although He didn't take away, cancer, divorce, all the heartaches of this world but He did much more by giving us Hope for the future. Some people have said that the second year without someone during the holidays is harder b/c you expect it to be better than the first. I am bracing myself for that but at the same time, reminding myself of the reason for the season. I still have a lot to celebrate this year. We have a lot to hope for in the future b/c He came to end our suffering. He ended Craig's suffering and he lives in paradise. When we talk about heaven at church I get very jealous. I am so jealous that Craig is already enjoying Christmas in heaven and I have to wait to see it. There are times when I see it the other way too. Hannah was talking about what she wanted for Christmas and he will never get to be apart of those conversations. She wasn't even talking when he was alive. So there are two ways to look at it. Either way we are both so blessed. I am blessed to be able to be here with the girls, be hopeful for the future and yearn for heaven. He already gets to live in the presence of the Lord and his suffering has ended. That is why Jesus came so that we could have an abundant life of enjoying the earthly blessing that we have today and to yearn for the ultimate blessing of living in heaven. That is something to celebrate!!

The Christmas season has not been bad this year. I think I have been too busy to think about it. October was rough and I think maybe I got a lot of it out of my system then. I am content with the life that I have and hopeful for the future. I give all the glory to God for that. Without Him we would be lost.

Isaiah 9:6 A child is born to us! A son is given to us! And he will be our ruler. He will be called, Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

This year He has done hours and hours of counseling to heal this single mom, He has always remained strong, determined, patient and loving. He has brought Peace beyond understanding to our home. That is something to celebrate. We could dwell on Craig not being with us or we can focus on what the true meaning of the season is. For King and Country came to SE last weekend. They were so good. It was amazing to get to hear this song live since it rings so true this year. The first two lines of the song above ring true for this home. He is our cure.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, enjoy Christmas. You are missed, loved and we look forward to the day that we get to celebrate together again. Until then we will enjoy the blessings He provides. Love you. Merry Christmas.

Emily's 8th Birthday

Emily turned 8 last Friday. I cannot believe that it has been 8 years since we lived in the little house in Willow Creek. She was a great baby and has always been a great sister. This year her birthday really wasn't as hard as Hannah's was this summer. Maybe it is just b/c Hannah's birthday is so close to Father's Day it is hard to catch my breath in between the two. We have been so busy around here. We went to Chicago for Thanksgiving I feel like we are have been going non-stop since we got back. They may another reason why Emily's birthday is easy as far as doing it without Craig. I am just too busy to even think about it.

She had three friends over for a sleepover which was so fun until 2:00 in the morning when Morgan unveiled the stomach bug. We had to cut the party short in the morning when everyone woke up. So we missed out on the pancake breakfast. But Friday night we played games at Incredible Dave's, went to dinner, decorated gingerbread houses, watched a movie and did mani's and pedi's with green and red nail polish. Great girl time.

Dinner with the girls

Watching a movie and getting ready to do pedis and manis

Tis the season

Hannah's performance at VG

Walking off stage

Sisters after the performance



Hannah at Donuts with Santa

Really thinking about what she wants from Santa. (probably my favorite Christmas picture EVER)

Hannah and Santa

Thanksgiving Weekend

picking out Uncle Brad's Christmas tree



Riding the bus to Michigan Ave.

Riding the bus to Michigan Ave.

LegoLand

Watching the Thanksgiving Day Parade (Freezing)

Riding the train after Starbucks and the parade

Pictures with Rapunzel play


Sorry for the delay in an update. October was rough for a lot of reason that I don't want to go into. It took quite a bit to dig myself out. Most times of extended grief I felt stronger when I came out of it. I am getting there but this time was a little different. The thing about the second year without someone is that normal seems to settle in. The intensity of barreling through the first is over but the dull pain of this is it? really?! is evident. We are so blessed in so many ways. We have friends and supportive family coming out of our ears. Acquaintances still email with supportive and encouraging messages. We are so blessed but there are times it just takes a pause to learn how to breathe again. Since my last post I have just taken time to surround myself with things that help build strength. There were several nights that I wanted to update the blog but went to bed early or read a book. I shut off a lot of stuff to just focus on getting back on track.

This weekend we are in Chicago. We went down to Michigan Ave. to visit the American Girl store, LEGOLAND and then Disney Store. Thanksgiving morning we were up bright and early and heading out in 19 degrees all bundled up. We watched the parade until I thought I was going to lose some toes to frost bite and then headed into Starbucks to thaw out and a bathroom break then back out to just catch the grand finale: Santa Claus. We walked around Christkindle market to search for the most fabulous ornaments. We found a couple small ones (hello expensive). We cooked and decorated Brad's Christmas tree with all homemade ornaments. Today we headed out to see the play Rapunzel. Everyone really enjoyed it and the cast was so sweet afterward. Tonight we are going to see the Christmas light at the Lincoln Park Zoo. We hope to see Santa there too. We haven't been able to talk with him yet.

I will update the blog again soon. I have several prayer request for the new year. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.


Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, we miss you, we love you, we will see you again.

uncertainity

I'm struggling right now. I am struggling with the fact that life is so incredibly unpredictable. I have been stuck thinking about the past memories and how sick Craig was and fretting for the future. I want so badly to get back to being grateful for what I have in my life, and just taking one day at a time but I find myself going back and forth between tears of three years ago and fears of what the future holds. Nothing is guaranteed to anyone and that is so hard right now. I had it all and in the blink of an eye it seemed to vanish.

I want so badly to get back to the place of trust and security of God's hope but my heart just hurts so badly right now. I want the confident, happy, joyful, grateful, energetic Michelle back ASAP. I feel drained and scattered most of the time right now. I pull myself out of it temporary with a long talk with a friend, a devotional that hits home, digging into work, working out but within hours I'm back at square one trying to digging back out. The circumstances are really shaking my faith right now, to be perfectly honest.

I want so badly the memories of the first couple weeks of cancer-land to just be zapped out of my brain forever. I don't want to have to relive this year after year. It stirs up so many feelings and fears. At times it feels like it was easier to go through rather than remember it. I could at least take care of Craig and being DOING something about it but to go over the same memories over and over with nothing to able to resolve them is maddening. No one gets how very sick Craig was except for me. No else saw first hand what I saw day after day.

And I want so badly to have a crystal ball that predicts my future. I want to know that I won't see that kind of suffering again in this lifetime. I want to know that I will get my second chance at happily ever after. I want to know that my children will be successful regardless of losing their dad at young ages. I want some guarantees. Living what I have lived in the past three years, I know guarantees don't exist. When it comes down to it our only guarantee is seeing heaven when we put our trust in the Lord.  Right now I am pretty mad that I am left here to sort through this life while Craig is already enjoying our only guarantee.

This summer I did the study "Discerning the Voice of God" by Priscilla Shirer. I have looked back through it several times trying to figuring how to get myself out of this pit God's way. One paragraph that I found the other day is the following:
"God is the God of right now. He calls us not to be regretful over yesterday or worried about tomorrow. He wants us to focus on what He is saying to is and putting in front of us right now. The enemy's voice will focus on the past and the future while the voice of our God will focus on today. He is the God of right now."

Romans 8:28 We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who Love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Please pray for peace in my heart SOON. I am so sick of crying I could lose it!

3 years ago

written yesterday:
I thought I could get by without a breakdown today. I've been good and hopeful and moving in the right direction but October 4th still stings. I still question what was so wrong with plan A that we couldn't just roll with that one?!! Each time I look at the clock I think this time three years ago we were.... In the morning we were still normal. The afternoon he went in the ER for test and by mid afternoon the staff knew what we were up against. Late that evening his fate and prognosis of 3-6 months was described. Life was forever changed on October 4th 2010.

UK vs Florida game

This past weekend we went for our annual UK football game. I didn't cry there or on the way home. Accomplishment. Although every building throughout campus reminded me of memories that Craig and I shared while we attended UK, I was only grateful for the times that we shared and looked forward to many more family tailgates and cheering on the CATS this year. A healing heart feels good. I am worried about Friday. It will be 3 years since he was diagnosed. Such a life changing day. Last year the day before (10/3) hit hard. It was the last day that we thought our house was cancer-free. It was the day that I stood at the kitchen counter and said the words that still sting. "I am the happiest I have ever been in my whole life." Within 24 hours that happiness was stolen but our Joy and Faith was not. I am a better person b/c of it. I have a grateful heart for what I have b/c I know that you have to hold dear to what you have and not focus on what is lost. I hate to remember what Craig went through for the last 18 months of his life but nothing brings me more pride than knowing he will always be remembered for fighting the good fight. Although with each passing day those memories seem to fade and life continues to go on, he will always hold a very special place in my heart. He taught me so much about how to live a grateful and fulfilling life. He will always be missed but I choose to be grateful for having him while I did rather than continuing to focus on what should have been. My girls are amazing people. I am so grateful that I was able to create such fabulous little people with such a fabulous person. So family traditions continue and we are making some decision about which traditions are staying and which are going. I think we are going to back to Huber's this weekend. I hope I don't stand in the middle of a pumpkin field crying but can be grateful for what is in the past and what the future holds... we shall see.

Tailgating Fun



at the game. Best seats we have ever had

three years ago Craig and I went to the UK vs. Florida game. It was the game that Tebow was sacked and sent to the hospital. The fans were terrible but we had a great time with Christy and Jason that year. Their seats were just a section over from where we sat this year. :)

Emily and Morgan with the WILDCAT

Annual Tailgate fun


UK pumpkin festival

On the hayride

Jessica and Sean went with us this year

UK alumni Pumpkin Fest 2013

We are doing just fine.

I have been wanting to update the blog for a while now but I can only do it on one computer in the house and it is not the one that I am normally on. No excuses, I simply haven't taken the time to do it lately. (Does any other bloggers have trouble using blogger? I get "error on page" quite often).

The girls are doing really well settling into school. I went to their Open House at Kenwood Station last week and pulled Morgan's new teacher aside to chat with her. Turns out that she lost her dad at age 5 as well. She told Morgan that after she asked who read to her at home at bedtime. Morgan replied with, "I don't have a dad." Breaks my heart, I want so badly to correct her and say that you do have an awesome dad, he just moved to heaven but I have to let her say it the way she wants to express it. After I left Kenwood that night I sat at the kitchen table finishing up my bible study sobbing for hours. My girls are FINE. I am FINE. We are a well function household. We have movie nights, get ice cream, eat dinner together, run errands, pray together, work on homework, plan special family events and go about our normal existence. It is great to be FINE. It is good to not live life on pins and needles waiting for the next breakdown. It feels like we are on the other side of a very turbulent time. But it is still painful. It may not be something that everyone understands. I don't want my girls to struggle, in fact it hurts so badly to see that and not be able to take it away but for Craig to have died less than two years ago and we are doing FINE, hurts. His life deserves more tears and breakdowns. I can see why people get stuck in grief. It can feel like the only way to hold on to someone. We can't do that. Craig wouldn't want it and it wouldn't following God's plan for the Merimee's. My dad was gone 16 years on September 8th. He had a massive heart attack and died when I was 19. Although it will always be a date that is remembered but there is not much to do any more. The first couple years there was a range of emotional but the further we get away from the date the easier it is to just go through the motions and really not even take a long pause on September 8th. Life goes on. It is frustrating b/c Craig's life is more than just a long pause years down the road. His cancer battle and victory is something to be celebrated and remember but at the same time we can't dwell day after day. I will always love Craig and in some ways always miss him. Sometimes it hurts to be fine. After I stopped crying it took a couple days to put my finger on why I was struggling so badly because we are doing so well. It is not like I want us to fail or continue to hurt but I don't want Craig to be forgotten either. So how does life go on, continue to remember and not hinder or sabotage the healing process just trying to hold on.

Sunday we read out loud this scripture:
2 Corinthians 4: 8-10
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, bit not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 

We were pressed by cancer and death but not completely crushed, perplexed by how to live life without Craig but not remaining in despair. We were never abandoned by the Lord, His presence is and was constant. We were struck down but not destroyed b/c our faith and b/c of the amazing person that Craig was. So we are doing okay and working through the devastation that even being fine brings.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, we are doing just fine, always wanting to remember you but finding the balance of life must go on. I know that you are happy and healed and that makes it better to be able to move forward here on earth until we meet again. Love you.

Back to School

We did most of the things on our Summer 2013 list.

Emily off to 2nd grade and Morgan off to 1st grade

Hannah is still working on potty training. Now that she is back at school she is doing really great.

Hilton head - pictures from the iPhone

The car ride down to HHI, still in PJs 

Cuddling in mom's bed in the morning

Watching cartoons in mom's bed waiting for the Deitz family to get up

Eating out before the Greg Russell concert

Waiting for Greg Russell

on the beach collecting sea shells



Playing in the sand



Morgan and Hannah hard at work collecting shells

Merimee girls on the beach

Hilton Head and 35th Birthday

Hilton Head was good. I can tell there has been a lot of healing and learning how to make the best out of what we have since last year. I honestly wasn't even looking forward to the trip the week before we left. After the heartache of last year I was bracing myself for another year of looking back and knowing what we had in years past. What else could it be? The sarcastic bottom-line was, "grrrrreat, another vacation that we are taking without Craig." I was looking forward to being with my girls on the beach and at the pool but honesty I just wasn't thrilled to go. I learned the hard way last year that there isn't a vacation from grief. I can remember thinking weeks before last year's trip, "just get me to the beach so I can catch a break." There are no vacation from dealing with the loss of a spouse and a father of my kids. Knowledge is powerful and learning that from last year was the first step to a good vacation. It wasn't a break from grief but it was getting us out of Crestwood for a week and making new memories. Our traditions are worth another shot. So off we went.

Hands-down THE hardest part of vacation is pulling out of the subdivision past Craig's graveside. It is horrible. I want to pull the car into the cemetery and stand over his graveside and yell "GET UP! Get in the car! Your family is going on vacation! Quit laying around here and get in the car!" I know that sounds ridiculous but it is horrible to pull past his site with a car full of our kids giddy with excitement that they are heading to the beach when his body lays there. I have to remind myself that he gets paradise everyday and that it is no where close to HHI, it is far better, but at that moment as we pull away it doesn't seem to matter. I want him driving our car packed with car toys, DVDs, pillows, blankets and three little ladies that he would have done anything to see boogie board in the ocean for hours.

So for the week I wanted to be intentional about the trip and make new memories. I knew I couldn't ignored what we had in the past but I knew that this vacation had to be a part of the healing process and another step in the right direction of moving forward. I dreaded walking past the deck that Craig and I lay in a lawn chair one of the last night in 2011. I didn't know if I could stand on that deck without a breakdown. So I braced myself as we walked down to the beach. I found myself just praying and being so incredibly grateful that I was the one that Craig chose to sit on the deck with. It was the last time that he saw the ocean and I was there. I experienced it with him. I can't remember what we talked about but it wasn't cancer and we didn't say it would be the last time we were there together although we knew the odds weren't good that he would be back. There weren't tears it was just a typical night for a married couple to unwind and finish out a family vacation. This year I just focused on being grateful that I got to be there. I was the one that saw the ocean with him for the last time. No one else got that privilege. I'm the one he chose and for that I will be forever grateful.

The first night we pulled into HHI we took a walk on the beach. Emily and Morgan were up ahead of me with the group and Hannah I were a bit behind. There was a man in the condo yard playing hill-billy golf with his kids. He had a UK shirt on so I casually asked him if he was from KY. He replied no, that he grew up there and then moved away. We chit-chatted about basketball for a bit and walked on to our condo. And then this conversation went on between Hannah and I.
Hannah: Is that man a daddy?
Me: Yes, I think so.
Hannah: Is he my daddy?
Me: No, baby, that's not your daddy.
Hannah: Oh where is my daddy?
Me: Your Daddy is in heaven. Remember those books we read about heaven? that's where he lives.
Hannah: Oh, can I go find him?
(at this point I was shocked that this conversation had gone this far. She talks a lot but rarely sticks to one subject for this long.)
Me: No, you will see him again but not for a while.
Hannah: How did he get there?
Me: Well baby, he died.
Hannah: Awww how did he die?
Me: He had cancer and he died.
Hannah: Awwww that is sad.

And that was the end of the conversation. There wasn't tears but disappointment in her voice. She is at the age where she is trying to figure out family members roles and the fact that she doesn't even understand the concept of a father-figure is quite frankly more than my heart can handle. It is just so hard to have my kid's hearts hurt and there is very little I can do to remedy it. We just take one conversation at time and deal with it day by day.

This year we did an dolphin boat tour that was a little different. We went to the beach almost everyday or the pool. The girls had a blast and it is fun to see them growing and how the trip changes year after year. They are really fun to travel with. I will be extremely excited next year when Hannah is 100% potty trained. Swim diapers are a pain. I have to keep reminding myself that they are at hard ages and it will get easier. Staying in a three bedroom with the Deitz family worked out well. We had just enough room and everyone slept in. We saw Greg Russell under the Oak Tree with the Bohannons and hit the Salty Dog one night with the whole crew. The girls and I walked the beach one night and looked for shells, that was a great night. :) I just love spending time with them and not doing much of anything. Overall the trip was a success and I feel like we can continue the Hilton Head tradition if we so chose to next summer.

So there hasn't been too many updates this summer. It has really flown by. I love the summertime and we have spent a lot of time at the pool and hanging out in our court riding bikes etc. Work has been a bit crazy and I haven't had a lot a free time. The grief journey seems to have taken a turn at the one-year mark. I have talked about this in past post. It has truly settled in that Craig is not coming back. The relief that he is healed has worn off and the loss is great. The meltdowns don't come as often or as sharp as the first year but the responsibility as a single mom is heavy. The loneliness of being mid-thirties and a single mom is hard to deal with. It doesn't mean that I am not grateful for the life that I have and it doesn't mean that I am not happy. Not being happy or content with life is different than the feeling of being lonely. We were made to be in relationships with others. And God's design for a family is not one parent and three kids. It is not. This is not a job for one person, that is not the way God's intended it. We are putting one foot in front of the other and making it the best way we know how. Please continue to pray for us. I need more patience with the girls and they need peace in their hearts.

Yesterday was my 35th birthday. We celebrated with good friends and then mom made dinner. It is a strange feeling that I am now older than Craig will ever be. I don't worry about birthdays like I once did b/c I have seen someone fight for days of their life and I have a new appreciation for it but it is an uneasy feeling to hit these milestones and know that you have to move on without the person you chose to do life with.

Well this isn't an uplifting post and maybe that is why I haven't updated the blog alot. I have had a lot on my mind lately and I knew whatever landed here would be a status update of what is happening in my mind rather than a reflection of the fun summer that we have had. This is the last week for the girls before they go back to school. I think they are looking forward to seeing their friends again and getting back into a routine. The early mornings no one is looking forward to. :(

Craig,
If there are blogs in heaven. We miss you. Life will never be the same. We are taking time to make new memories but sometimes life is so heartbreaking without you here. Love you. Miss you. Will see you again.

Hilton Head 2013 - just pictures

Boogie boarding

Ice cream night

Under the oak tree waiting for Greg Russell

Salty Dog waiting for out table

At Salty Dog acting silly



Getting a 3-year-old to sit for a picture can be tough




crab legs, yum



Seriously, one good picture for the night... no?