Hannah's Nakey dance

 

This is the short one. I can't get the other one to download onto blogger.
She is so cute. ;)

More to come later this week:
-mini-marathon - a guest blogger and picture

Ugly box

You have to listen to this to get the title.
http://www.southeastchristian.org/?page=3476

This is the pep rally that I need to hear each and everyday. There are a lot of days that I am okay. I am excited for the future. I feel so overwhelmingly taken care of. I am full of faith and love for the Lord. I am so incredibly thankful to have a husband that I simple miss terribly. There are a lot people that not only have to wrestle with the loss of a love one but maybe something that wasn't said or a relationship that went south and never recovered. I have been in that boat and I am not going to go into to much detail but when I was 19 when my dad died of a massive heart attack. It was sudden, I was home from college for the weekend we fought about something as we typically did and then he was dead on Monday evening. There was plenty that wasn't worked out. I know how hard it is to work through not only a loss but to argue with someone that is no longer here. It is a huge blessing to just be able to miss Craig.

There are times that I look at Hannah and think, I know heaven is a great place but seriously (!!?) how can it be better than an evening watching Hannah do the nakey dance (video to post later - you might laugh so hard you pee in your seat! that kid is hilarious). We had a great life together and I have a wonderful life now. If you listen to the sermon you will get this. My box is ugly. Widow. To be honest I can't say that word out loud just yet. Single mom. ugh so tough. But God is SO good. I am excited to see what he has for my future. I know that even if His plan for me doesn't match the one that I have in my mind I know that in the end I will get to see Craig again. And even though that may be 50 years down the road that is only a blink in comparison to how long I get to hang with him in heaven. Now this doesn't mean I wont throw a fit if His plan doesn't match mine but I do have faith that overall His plan is best. If He didn't want to hear those tantrums He wouldn't have made me so passionate (I try to convince myself of that...haha).

There are times that I feel guilty for being okay. I told myself over and over that I am just relieved that Craig is cancer-free but I might have a bad day or be depressed in the future about what I have lost but right now I am just relieved. If I am really honest I am relieved for me too. I am so happy for him to be Home but I am so relieved that my house is pancreatic cancer free. I sometimes feel guilty for being okay. And there are times that I am not okay, I am anything but okay. I miss him like a crazy woman. Here's the bottom-line I am okay 90% of the time b/c #1 I trust God's plan #2 my husband was an incredible provider, he was ridiculously smart, it was a blessing to be married to him for 10 years and all that I have left to do is miss him.

My box maybe be ugly, but I trust that whatever God has in store is going to be good, in His time I will get to unwrap it so today I am okay.

Update on the rest of the crew:
Morgan was not okay today, pray that her stomach bug was a 1 day deal! But overall she is doing really well. She is learning a lot of site words and we will be working on reading some simple books here soon. She can express her feeling about missing her dad and she ask blunt questions that are easy to answer if you don't get flustered with black and white questions, which I don't so we are good...so far.
The questions come at random times too. The other day she came up to me out of the blue and asked if Craig had shoes on in that box (aka: coffin)? I just said "yes, they were brown to match his suit." Her response was "oh, what about socks." I said, "yep, sock too." and then she moved on to whatever she was doing... whatever I just answer them as honest as I can.

Emily is doing a bit better for those of you who heard she was having a rough time but we are working through those times. I am still trying to figure out where to draw the line on the melt-downs. I know they are b/c she misses Craig but she still has to follow directions etc etc. This is a very trying test for a new single mom. Where is the fine line b/c letting her work through feelings and where to draw the line and discipline. She crossed the line a couple times and disciplinarian action was in order. And of course discipline and structure provides security just as much as cuddles and hugs so we are doing better with the melting down and whining all the time. It is better than it was so that is good.

Hannah is good. She has been saying Da-Da a lot more these days like she is looking for him. It is really strange. Her and I sat on the floor and looked at some family pictures tonight and that seemed to be okay to her. We played that game, can you find Morgan....Daddy... etc in all the pictures. I am not sure what is going on in her head. Other than that she is so stinkin' hilarious. She is talking a lot more which is awesome. She was behind in speech for a while but since there was so much going on I was waiting until the spring/summer to address it with therapy. But I think we are in good shape now.

So that's that for now... listen to the sermon. it is so good!!! Kyle has a gift and we are blessed to have him.

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven I love you, I miss you and I will see you...

Derby Days: "They're Off Luncheon" and Thunder Party

So Derby season officially kicked off this weekend. Friday was the "They're Off" luncheon at the Galt House. Fantastic time, great lunch, wonderful tradition, great host (a radio group I work with here in Louisville, thank you for the invite MB!!). The keynote speaker was Erin Andrews from ESPN. Every male reader just lost their minds. She might possible be the hottest girl on TV AND she loves sports. Anyway. I was excited to go and it was a lovely afternoon minus losing my car in the garage of the hotel and the giant blisters on the back of my heels b/c of pretty "derby" shoes. I was heartbroken when I got home. I wanted so badly to tell Craig about the lunch and Erin Andrews. Craig wasn't much of a talker except for two topics: banking and SPORTS! Erin Andrews: it doesn't get better than that for a sports nut. So I texted a couple of guys friends... not the same as the conversation that would have gone on. Very sad. I miss him. I would have told him about her recap of the Louisville vs. West Virginia game, her love for the talented Charlie Strong. I would have mentioned several times about her love for Coach Cal. Craig wasn't a fan of Calipiri. We differed there of course. I would have told him that after a while it was annoying that every male that introduced her thought he was her best friend. It was funny the banter back and forth about bracket picks and favorite teams but after a while it is seemed over the top and I wondered if their wives were bothered by the silly comments some made in passing. He would have said something like she isn't any hotter than my wife. I would have said something like you are a fat LIAR but I appreciate it. I miss the conversation. I got so fed up with missing him I actually texted his phone that night and said, "I had lunch with Erin Andrews today. I miss telling you this stuff." He didn't text back... bummer. big bummer.

So that was Friday. Saturday my brother and I had planned to take Emily and Morgan to Thunder Over Louisville but the weather was too cold. I hate being cold and I hate hearing whining about being cold coming from two little girls so we threw together a Thunder Party in about an hours time. We ordered in Chili's with some gift cards that I had, the kids played in the basement and then when the fireworks were about an hour away the kids got into their PJs. We turned down the lights so the house was dark, passed out popcorn and glow bracelets and threw every blanket we had on the floor. It was like a rave for 6 years old. If you add 12 years to the party it would look like a Delta Gamma, Lambda Chi, Kappa party at UK except there might be something besides sugar in the kool-aide but the party animals would act about the same. It was so fun. After the fireworks we turned the lights on and my living room looked like a fraternity house after a rave party. oh well that is what vacuums are for. It was a great party, especially with zero planning.

gearing up for the fireworks inside a warm house!

Sunday was another great sermon by Kyle. Incredible. I'll post the link later.

Happy Derby Season!!

Craig if there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss you, I had lunch with a thousand people and Erin Andrews and she loves Coach Cal and I will see you...goodness I miss you. 

TEAMHOPE

For my 10th wedding anniversary I took the girls to see the Lorax. I took all three by myself. Hannah really loves movies and she sat through the whole thing (minus the last 5 minutes). The guy sitting next to me asked if they were all mine (ha-yes of course). He said something like "I would be afraid to take them all out of the house." I kindly told him, we wouldn't ever leave the house if I didn't take all of them. He just responded with a smile and said they were really good, he had no idea there were three kids sitting next to him. I took it as a big compliment and it boosted my confidence a bit. They were really good.
Anyway. The movie was cute and the end quote by Dr. Seuss hit me in a way that I needed to do more to help PanCan. I think the point of the movie was to plant more trees but none-the-less I took away that I needed to support PanCan more..

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."
-Dr. Seuss

To be a huge advocate for Pancreatic cancer is not the purpose that I have draw from our journey. Clinging to Christ in all circumstances and showing others the Way has definitely been something that I have been more drawn to. He is the only Cure for this world and anything that comes your way. With that being said I feel the need to support in whatever way that I can to help fund better research for this horrible disease.

This Friday I am go to the "They're Off" luncheon to kick-off the Kentucky Derby Season. I am not going into how much I will miss Craig during derby... just not going there right now. I am taking one event at a time. SOOOOO (wow I am loooong winded tonight) with the luncheon coming up and derby season is upon us we have an awesome opportunity to support a team that is running in memory of Craig in the mini-marathon on Saturday, April 28th. If you want to be a team member you can sign up to join the team or you can contribute to the team on the link below. Scott Deitz is the team captain this year and the Deitz family has really taken us under their wing. We do family dinner nights 2 to 3 times a week b/c it is too hard to sit at our dinner table with a chair empty. With the mass chaos of 6 kids for dinner the heartache is forgotten for at least dinner time. Scott and Gwen took their kids to SECC Easter weekend to hear the sermon that Kyle included Craig in. In the car on the way over to church the kids were told there was going to be a quiz on the way home so everyone better behave in church and listen to the sermon or for every wrong answer they had to contribute $1.00 to the Team Hope fund. (Parenting at its best, Deitz!). On the way home the Deitz kids got every quiz question right and I think they may have stumped their parents with a couple. Kailyn is the oldest Deitz kid at age 13. After they arrived home she went up to her room and got $20 out of her own stash and gave it to her dad. I think that is the $20 that could crack the case on this thing. Thanks Kailyn for your contribution to TEAMHOPE, you are a great kid. ;)

http://pancan.kintera.org/faf/search/searchTeamPart.asp?ievent=1011589&team=5000797

We are also talking about getting a crew together to do the Purplestride in Columbus, OH the weekend of August 4th. As you can recall we went to Indy last year and Craig was awarded the top fund raiser for both the team and the individual. We looked at the dates for Indy but already made plans for that weekend so Columbus worked best and I am looking forward to hanging out with some good friends that weekend as well.

Craig was passionate about raising awareness of Pancreatic Cancer. He met with Terry Carmack from Mitch McConnell's office after he had decided not to do any more chemo treatments. I received a condolence note from Mitch Connell today. It was a very nice letter that I will keep for the girls to show the how he did what he could even in one of the weakest moments in his life he was still fighting.

Prayfully consider contributing to TEAMHOPE this Derby season.

not much going on

Craig and I followed a couple cancer blogs to make sure we weren't crazy or to feel normal on some level or something like that. I would get so annoyed after some time they didn't update their blog after the one with cancer died. I wanted to so badly to see how they were doing etc. I prayed for them throughout the day but when I went to the blog at night there wasn't an update. Hmmm.. I can see why now. It is tough to continue on by yourself, I am not sure what to put out there and what to keep to myself. So much about death and dying makes people uncomfortable so it tough to say what is too much for one to hear. It is also hard to put into words what is going on. The Merimee Journey was about step by step our battle with pancreatic cancer and how we dealt with it but there is no step by step here. Some minutes we are fine, some minutes we are not. I am such a black and white person that it is really hard to figure what I want. I know what I want in the future but I am not sure what I want RIGHT NOW. I do know that I do not want Craig back in the condition he was in. If God sat in my living room and said you can have him back for a limited amount of time but he is going to suffer the way that he did when he lived here I would say NO WAY! I will wait the 50ish years to see him again. My brain goes over and over the last two weeks of his life. Emails and facebook message jog memories of how much he suffered. There are flashes of moments during the day that go through my head 100 times. The memory of him falling in the bathroom and laying there will forever be tattooed in my memory. There was a lady in the grief group at SECC that said she was desperately trying to remember her husband before he died of cancer to get those last images out of her head. Although I hate reliving them I do not want them erased. If I go back to images of him healthily and playing with our kids then my life right now doesn't make a bit of sense. I don't want him to be suffering therefore I am still relieved that he is where he is rather than here in our house. I know one day (probably soon) that there will be more than just relief. There will probably extreme sadness and anger...

One memory that I tried to replay over and over in my head when Craig was so skinny and sick was Micheal and Meredith's (cousins) wedding. They were married at St. Joe's in NKY at the end of December 2001. It was SOOOO cold. It was like North Pole COLD. The church wasn't warmed up before the wedding started or the heater was broken or something. Whatever it was cold. I remember snuggling up against Craig and I was sooo warm. His hands were chubby and so warm. He held my hand and is left arm was around me and there wasn't one part of me that was cold. I was so warm. I walked out of that wedding looking forward to our wedding and so thankful to have someone warm to cuddle with. It is hard to admit but I never got use to skinny Craig. His hands and feet weren't recognizable and it was really hard to come to terms with the physical changes the cancer brought on. When he would hold my hand I would try to remember the night of Micheal and Meredith's wedding and the warm hands that once were. I am so glad the heater didn't work that night I will treasure that memory forever. Sorry for all the other guest that might have turned blue that night but I am so thankful for that memory.

I thought of an image of Craig today. His cheeks were filled in (chubby), he was wearing that blue and maroon polo and he was smiling. Do they have polo shirts in heaven or was it just a memory? It seemed like more than a memory.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss you, and I know you are happy and I will see you...

10th Wedding Anniversary

Today would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary. I married Craig b/c he was a wonderful guy and I knew that we would have a good life. I knew it would be a challenge with our different personalities but he was one of my best friends so I knew we would work for the long haul.

10 years later I feel incredibly blessed to have created this amazing life together. I feel incredibly blessed to have had worked so hard to make our relationship as strong as it was. No matter what happened we were staying together. We grounded our house in faith that would (and did) withstand any storm. So today I cried b/c I felt so thankful to have him in my life. Although it wasn't as long as I would have liked I am still blessed to have been his wife.
It really hurts to write in past tense. I feel extremely spoiled and taken care of but it is really hard not to have him here sharing our life that we built together.

There is so much more that I could write here about what Craig meant to me but I need to just wrap this up. Miss him. I miss being married. It is overwhelming to think about how long I have until I see him again so I just need to get back to one day at a time and wrap this up.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" Phil 4:13

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss you, happy anniversary and I will see you....

Easter Sunday

Happy Easter!!

We got goggles in our baskets

and we wore them while we ate breakfast

Hope your family had a wonderful Easter!

Easter pictures: party with the cousins

hunting for eggs

Probably the best picture we have taken of the 6 of them

here take this egg, I'm done, Mom isn't going to let me eat all this candy anyway.

Easter pictures: Dying Easter eggs

Morgan is just gettin' started

Hannah is so excited.

Emily is an old pro at age 6!



Hannah really got into it!

WHAT!!? We are done! You ONLY made two dozen eggs!  Are you kidding me?!!!

Southeast sermon for Easter

http://www.southeastchristian.org/?page=3476

This is Kyle's sermon this past weekend. It was an amazing tribute to Craig and his commitment to Jesus. If you want to watch it on TV it will be on WAVE3 this Sunday at 10:30a.

Easter pictures and how everything went for our first holiday without Craig went coming soon.

Easter Service at Southeast

Kyle Idleman (associate pastor at Southeast, the one who did Craig's funeral service) emailed me this morning and asked for my blessing that our cancer journey be apart of his sermon this weekend for Easter!! I of course said ABSOLUTELY! As I read the email, I reached for the phone to call Craig. ugh and remembered he wasn't there to share the moment of joy that we had been honored in being a part of a service that could potentially touch thousands. tears. tears. tears.
I am still overcome with JOY that God continues to work through this situation. Amazing. Amazing.

So how's it going:
I have been doing pretty good. So many tears have been shed over 17 months time that I am still rejoicing that Craig is cancer-free right now. I miss him like a crazy-woman and I read through text messages and email so I can "hear" his voice but I am still so relieved that he is not suffering any longer. There are many people that walked the walked with us but until you have lived it 24/7 for almost a year and a half you can't understand the suffering that man endured with that nasty disease. It may wear off one day but for right now I am excited he is a whole person. The afternoon that he died I walked outside to see if I had missed the mail and an overwhelming sense that he was happy came over me. You know when you walk into a room and you can feel a person's mood? That is what I felt for Craig. He is healed and whole and so very happy. So I am excited for him. There are times that I am sad and I sit on my couch and just sob for what "should have been" but for the most part right now I am relieved for him and so happy that he made it Home.
http://www.southeastchristian.org/Default.aspx?page=3814&promotionId=1609&refPage=3562
So here is the link to the service times for Easter at Southeast. Me and the girls plan to attend Blankenbaker at 11:15 on Easter Sunday. If you plan to join us and want to sit together, email me at michelle.t.merimee@gmail.com and we will make a meeting spot before the service begins. I thought about going to the Oldham campus that has become home but that little place is going to be a mad-house at 10:30 and with the Easter bunny still coming here in the morning I don't think OC campus is going to work. It is really hard to figure this stuff out by yourself. Craig and I use to weigh the pros and cons and make plans. Sometimes I find myself talking to myself to try to figure some thing out. Yes, I may have lost my mind... it is here somewhere... I'll find it... :)

I do love my blog so we are continuing in some way. I have received 4+ email today that people miss the blog. One even said it was like a reality TV show that was cancelled and you never knew what the ending was, Ha that is funny. The good part is there isn't an ending, that is how God works. This blog started as just a way for people to stop texting me a 100 times a day the first week we were in the hospital and it has of course grown into so much more for us and for some of our readers. So what is God plan for the next blog?

If you want a window into my world, fine by me but the same rules applies, if you don't like it, then don't read it. :) I'm a gal who is who she is, and you can take it or leave.

I yearned for this weekend's celebration when Craig was so sick those last couple weeks. I am rejoicing in the fact that he is living the life that God intented for all who follow Him. God saw His own son suffer and die on a cross for our sins, but He wasn't done yet. What a gift to conquer the grave so that we could celebrate Easter.
So when I say Happy Easter... no really Happy Easter!!!!!
Hope to see you at church this weekend. (ohhh wouldn't it be awesome if we all wore purple to honor Craig... oh this could be so good...)

UK wins

I knew they were going to win all along. They won the National Championship the year that Craig and I met, they had incredible talent. It was simple their year. #BBN

Go Cats!