Hilton Head 2012: tearful Friday

I will update the blog with more pictures when we return but I have a lot on my mind right now that I just need to unload. This has been one of the toughest days since March. I found myself tearful most of the day. It took a lot of the day to just think through what I was so upset about (besides the obvious that Craig hasn't been here this week). The biggest challenge with grief that I have found is it so encompassing that you can't really think or talk your way through it and just move on with the day. In any other issue I would have grabbed a friend and talk through it been done with it but this messy thing called grief just engulfs me when it gets a good hold for the day. Scott asked if I was okay and all I could say was "no" but I honestly couldn't put words to it. For a chatty Kathy like myself this is really really really hard. So today was tough it was tough to put into words what was swimming around my head and hurting my heart.

Last year at this time we pulled out of HHI with family memories behind us but a CT scan that we knew wasn't going to be good and probably meant back to square one. We took each day at a time and did the best we could with what we were handed. Looking back and having that as a memory is just as hard as living through it. Now that we are a year away from our last family of 5 vacation it pains me to remember what we went through this time last year.

So this year as we will pull out of HHI I am a single mom having the task of getting three little girls back to school by myself. Although we are in a different boat that we were last year at this time this one seems overwhelming in a different way but still overwhelming indeed. I know that I have an incredible support system and I know the same "one day at a time" mentality has to be used this year but I am so tired of it. I am tired of the grief struggle. I am tired of not recognizing my life! Today was one of those days that I thought how is it possible that is in my past, how it is that that memory is a part of my family's story today! I yearn for joy in my life, I just miss some very simple things about marriage.

This week overall has been a great and fun week for our family. We have had highs and lows. Family pictures were hard and might be chalked up as a bad idea. I hated walking out on that beach dressed up as a family of four knowing that people were thinking, where is the missing piece? Where is the dad and husband? Those are the moments that I am not yet use to. The moments that we look different than the "perfect family." I know that I should be so proud of the family that I have but at that moment it was glaringly obvious that someone was missing. I wanted to get the pictures to document where we are this year b/c I am not sure what our family will look like in the future. Will there be a step-dad or even step-siblings someday? I HOPE so but for now I wanted to document our family this year. That was the idea behind it. I am not sure it was worth the pain of looking at the pictures of me and the girls and thinking "there is only 4 people in that picture and we are a family of 5." I guess time will tell and when we receive the pictures in the mail we will see if I hang them. My favorite is the one of the three girls and I got that in an 11X14 but I am not sure that the family of 4 picture will be displayed in my house. We shall see. (BTW - I am not dumb enough to think a step-dad will make a family picture complete but there are things that I miss about having a husband so when God sees fit to bring me that person then yes I will be grateful. But I know that no one on the planet can replace Craig).

The devotional in Jesus Calling was about HOPE today. I bought the app for my phone - best $10 app EVER spent! I usually grab my iPhone before my feet hit the floor in the morning so it is great to start the day with that app rather than work emails.
Today's devotional talked about keeping your eyes on Jesus and the ultimate destination of heaven and the bumps in the road will not seem as sufficient.

Then is listed these scriptures:
Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
I love this one. 
If God were sitting in front of me here is what He would have to say with this scripture, taking it one step at a time: Be JOYful in hope, MICHELLE! JOYFUL I said not pouty or critical JOYFUL.... PATIENT in affliction.... Michelle, we have worked on your patience and we are getting somewhere but seriously you have got to rely on my for this one really - Patience in affliction, and faithful in prayer. You seem to get off track with being prayful these days and then you wonder why the day went so wrong... so really faithful in prayer = talk to me I created you, of course I know how to bring you peace beyond your wildest dreams.  :) He is so good to me.

1 Thessalonians 5:8 "But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate and the hope of salvation as a helmet." 
The warrior gear on this one speaks to me for some reason. I have to re-read this one and really let it sink in.

So glad that I have this blog to think through this stuff. More wonderful beach pictures of my girls to come. There is one that I have to get from Uncle Tim of Hannah feeding a sea gulf a cheez-it. She has no fear. So awesome!!

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven we love you, we miss you and we will see you again.

Hilton Head 2012: Tuesday and Wednesday

watching bubble guppies and waiting for breakfast

crepes night - Kailyn is in charge. Yummy!

Yummy crepes

Hannah and Uncle Tim

Hayden and his crepe

Today we went to the Marriot's pool and splash park

Tonight we did family pictures on the beach.

#1 reason I would be hesitate to more any further south than the ville, my hair gets so BIG down here.
I didn't even make it to the car and it is the size of TX!

Just pictures to blog tonight. :)

Hilton Head Island 2012: Monday

Monday was Donuts day. Scott got up at the crack of dawn with Miss early-bird Hannah Jane and went and got everyone dunkin donuts. Gwen and I decided to walk the greasy goodness off with a HOT walk on the beach. We hung around the house and pool today and then got ready for dinner at Salty Dog and the Greg Russell concert in Harbour Town. In years past we have never been early enough to eat at Salty Dog so it was great to be able to get in without a wait this year.

One of the troubles with being a young widow is that you are very alone in your widowhood. There are very few who "get it" at this age. I have been blessed with a facebook friend that I wish we would have never met b/c of the circumstances that we know each other but she is a wonderful blessing. Jenny is a widow that I have blogged about before. Her husband, Nick didn't get to come home from his active duty in the Middle East. He died in April shortly after Craig passed away. Although the circumstances are very different we have found comfort in knowing that someone else is surviving a similar path. We have exchanged FB emails for a couple months now and through those have figured out that we were going to be in Hilton Head at the same time. (God is good!) We texted back and forth and met up at the Greg Russell concert this evening. So incredibly awesome to meet her face to face and be able to hug her. We talked through most the concert and it was great to get to know her better.

Salty Dog kids

Me and my girls after dinner

hanging out waiting for the souvenir shoppers

the kids (minus Hannah) before we climbed up the lighthouse

the top of the light house

mama and Morgan

Greg Russell

this is a terrible picture of me but this is Jenny and Me. :)

the rest of the kid crew sat on the stage this year while Morgan went back and forth between my lap, Gwen's lap and the stage.

Anna, Jenny's youngest little lady. Isn't she adorable?!!

I am learning a lot this trip on where I am in the grief process. We are having a good time and yes we miss Craig but there is a stronger desire to remember him but not let grief monopolize our good times and our future. I have a range of emotions this week from missing seeing him with the girls, to going through the motions of just getting this "first" under our belts to really ready for the next adventure in our lives. I am not sure what God has in store next but I am far less apprehensive about taking a new step then I was even a week ago. :)

Hilton Head Island 2012: Sunday

making baggie omelets

Lilly and Hannie waiting for their omelets

Hayden

Alex and Kailyn

We started our day with omlets in baggies this morning. Very cool idea that came from the Holiday World trip. You put eggs in a baggie mush it up (scramble them) then you add whatever you want (sausage, mushroom, green pepper are my ingredient of choice) then you put the baggie in boiling water for 8 minutes (more if you put more than 2 eggs in the baggie). It is a perfect way for everyone to be able to eat omelets all at the same time. Huge success.

Then the parents on the trip went to church this morning. Great sermon on marriage at Central Church right here on the island. So glad we kicked the week off on the right foot. One of the scriptures we looked out today stood out to me.

Peter 5:6-10
God resist the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; b/c your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same suffering are experinced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect established streghten and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

We came back packed lunch, greased everyone down with sunscreen and were off to the beach. So far the hardest part of vacation has been being on the beach without Craig. I haven't been to any beach in 16 years without him. The last vacation that I went to without Craig was Hilton Head 1996 in between high school and college. It is hard to watch dads play with their little girls and it is hard to try to fill in and do all the things on the beach that he use to with Emily and Morgan. He would carry buckets of water, build sand villages, jump waves, take them out swimming in the ocean etc etc. I have a ton of help this year and they did all those things today with a variety of friends that are like family but it is still very hard not to have him here.

I am fine in the house where we are staying b/c we never stayed here together. Tonight we went to Gwen's grandma's condo for roast beef night (every night is a different traditional meal). Most of Gwen's family is staying at the island club where we have stayed for years. Although being at the condo complex was hard tonight I stayed away from the unit we stayed in last year just for that reason. When I walked out of that complex last year after packing up I had a feeling that was the last vacation that Craig was going to be able to take with us. It hit me like a ton of bricks as I went room to room making sure I had all of our things before I locked the door behind me. I sniffled as we pulled out of the parking lot but that was nothing new to Craig b/c I usually cry on the way home of every vacation. Yes, I realize that is childish but I have family vacations built up in my mind so much that when they are over the idea of waiting a whole year for the next one is heartbreaking. It more than just the week being over last year that brought me to tears but I guess he just assumed it was the annual tears that vacation was over and kept driving out of the parking lot and headed back toward KY.

So we really are having a great time spending the day doing all the things that we look forward to for the year. But it is very different and there is a huge hole in the trip this year. It was easy to say Craig was better off when his days were filled with stomach aches and pain pills around the clock. But to think it now as he misses Emily riding a bike around the island or Morgan swimming farther out in the ocean that she did last year and Hannah jumping in the pool with the intention of going under water at age 2 is not possible. I know that heaven is Home and He prepares a place for us all but to think that heaven is better than a family vacation with the girls is hard to image. I am overwhelmed with sadness that he is missing so much. I am not sure that makes me a good Christ follower. I know that God has a plan and I know that Heaven is incredible and I know that is where we all belong when we are done with God's earthly plan for us BUT I just can't wrap my head around it being any better than Hannah in pigtail in a bikini with a swim diaper hanging out the top of her bottoms. I'm just having a hard with knowing that he will miss many more family vacations in years to come.

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven we miss you this week.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for vacation next week!

And this precious little lady shown below.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful summer!!

upcoming week

We had a busy weekend starting with Friday at the zoo with some family and Saturday visiting with other family members from NKY. Emily and Morgan had art therapy Saturday morning and we are just doing that once a month now and as needed since we seem to be settling into new normal pretty well day to day.

Emily and Morgan go to art therapy at 10:00am on most Saturday mornings and the family that comes in at 11:00 we have become very attached to. Please pray for this dear family. Her husband, Tony is dying of brain cancer and it is excruciating for them to witness. He was given 1-3 months at Thanksgiving just like Craig was. The life that they have to endure to take care of him in his last months has been devastating and I begging for your prayers for this dear family. Please go to the Throne pleading for peace and love in this household. It is excruciating to watch someone that you love in so much pain and turmoil but to do it month after month just seems unbearable. They have two awesome, wonderful, lively and courageous kids. She wants so badly to see the light at the end of this tunnel but day after day it is so hard so please pray for them.

Emily and Morgan are doing a cheer camp this week. I am doing my best not to be too anxious about dropping them off at cheer camp but I have to say I am a little worried. It is a very long day for them and I just hope they love it. We have had such a lax summer around here this schedule should be interesting to say the least.

We are gearing up for our annual trip to Hilton Head and the girls are so excited. I plan to take the laptop to Hilton Head this year and hopefully download pictures and an update each night. Memories down there have been so important to us so I would love to document more of the trip.

That is about it for now. I am going to log off here and get back to my work stuff that is due Wednesday. So pray for the Sheltons and pray for a good week here as gear up for vacation.

Upcoming posts:
- Cubbies vs. Reds game 8/18/12. $5 from each ticket goes to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network. See my facebook page for event details (for now).
- Norton Commons Charity Homes Tour - September 29th - October 5th. If you go to the website to get your tickets please remember to purchase your ticket through the PanCan house.


Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, we love you, we miss you and we will see again.

Thankful Thursday

With work projects and life in general life is busy. I can't believe it has been only a week since I updated the blog. It feels like centuries ago. The days are long right now and until we get to Hilton Head there isn't much of a break.

For today's Thankful Thursday I grateful for friends that help out so much. I am grateful for our family trip to HHI that will be a much needed break. I am grateful for a job I love even though it is quite exhausting right now. I am thankful for so much in the upcoming weeks to look forward to. Many fun post to come...

I am thankful to be grounded in a God that never leaves or forsakes us.

I am thankful for the life of MattieD that lead worship at SECC Oldham campus and lost his life suddenly last Saturday. His celebration of life is today at the main campus. He leaves a wife and three children. I am grateful to know that they have the same God that comforts us each day with peace, love and guidance. I pray that they feel God's amazing strength today and everyday as they discover their new normal. I am excited for Craig to have a buddy to hang with from SECC Oldham campus as pray for comfort for those he left here.


Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything but everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses ALL understanding, will guard you hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Thankful Thursday

And we are back on track with....drum roll please.... THANKFUL THURSDAYS!
 (and the crowd goes wild!!)

Most days these are so easy to do. This would be one of those days. I am so incredibly grateful for the life that I live. Although we have had so much heartache in the past 18 months we have also been so incredibly blessed. We are covered in love and prayers from friends and family and we always have something to look forward to and that really keeps us going. Some days I feel guilty that we are doing so well and I worry that people will think that I didn't love Craig enough therefore I am not falling apart (I do fall apart sometimes just not all the time). But the fact that we are doing so well is a true reflection on how well Craig took care of his family. He made a lot of smart decisions while he was here for our future with or without him. He left us with many wonderful memories and the knowledge that he loved each one of us Merimee girls! So the days that we are okay is b/c God is such a wonderful provider and gave us a wonderful husband and father to cherish forever. So for that we will be forever grateful for.

I am so grateful for a job that allows me to work from home. I was working this morning on a worksheet while Hannah ran a shopping cart into the back of my desk chair. "Mommy work?! Mommy work!?" Her sweet voice behind me is such a blessing and I feel so lucky to be able to work from home. Sara is also a blessing to come get her! :)

I am so grateful for friends and family that have surrounded us in love and support.

I am so thankful for a church that is biblical based so that my household has a foundation that will withstand any storm my family endures. Love Southeast!

I am thankful for three little girls that smell like sweat and sun lotion and run around the back yard in bikinis.

I am thankful for little words of encouragement that God sends through so many different directions.


Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to you name be the glory, b/c of your love and faithfulness.
Psalm 115:1

busy summer with some bumps in the road

warning: the spell check isn't working. grrrr...

our weekened:
breakfast. art therapy. lunch. swimming. showers. naps. dinner. pedicures. fireworks. sleep. breakfast. splash park. lunch.naps. cookout. church. sleep. Monday.

We are running like crazy this summer and it is a good thing (most of the time).

Last week was a hard week. Work projects are pending, Emily and Morgan had VBS in the mornings, pick-ups and drop-offs being coordinated, nothing in particular things just weren't jiving and it was stressful. Last Monday afternoon Emily got a splinter in her foot and she screamed like someone was cutting her foot off. I did not react very kindly to the over-reaction and over-reacted myself which lead to of course a break-down later than evening of if Craig were here things would have gone differently. Eventually a tearful discusion with God that He took the wrong parent. Craig was patient and so good to the girls. Although he wouldn't have put up with the rediculousness that occured on Em's part, he wouldn't have reacted the way that I did. Em and I laid together that night after books and prayers and tearful apologies were said. We worked to make it better through the week. It just took one day at a time.

Last night Southeast celebrated the church's 50th Anniversary. It was a fun service and I am excited to see what God has in-store for the next 50 years! Words can not decribe what that church has meant to my family. I was overwhelmingly grateful last night. I know that Craig is happy and healthy and at home b/c of the guidedance and love of that church family. It is an awesome place.
I think I need to get back into thankful Thursdays. When I laid down last night I was flooded with lists and lists and blessings in my life. I was overwhelmingly grateful for all that He has provided. We have an incredible support system. Emily colored this in art on Saturday.

They have done this before put this one turned out much differently than the ones done about a year ago. This ones features, me, Hannah, Morgan, Cooper, ViviAnne, Kristen, Brent, Hayden, Scott, Gwen, etc. etc. etc. A year ago the images were just immediate family members only and on occasion my mom would get thrown into the mix. During therapy the girls color each person in their family, what they are feeling and what they are doing in the picture. Notice that none of the figures in distrest are colored except for that one laying on the ground, I'm not sure who that is.

They really love spending time with our friends that have become more like family. I can usually tell when they have an over-the-top awesome time when we climb back in the car Morgan will say "I wish Daddy could have been there." That is a good sign that she has had the time of her life somewhere when she wishes she could share it with her dad. So sweet. I always reply with something like "he loved swimming (or whatever we are doing) with you guys." and "then we are so thankful to have wonderful friends that invite us swimming with them." They all agree. Sometimes it is followed by conversations of past memories or what he would have done in the pool (throwing little ladies, cheerleadering in the pool) or what he would have said after Emily went off the high-dive or when Hannah jumps in and goes underwater intentional. They are fun conversations and we all giggle and share what we think.

The conversation turned into a different direction on the way home from the pool Saturday afternoon. I can't remember who said it but here is what was said "do you think we will get a new daddy?" I said "if God wants that for us then He will send one but it may not be for a long time or it may be soon, it will be His timing and He will have to pick him out for us. Morgan proceeded to ask if we need to make a new daddy.  I said no he is out there God just has to send him our way in His timing. And then the question was "how will we find him?" I told them that I would start looking when I was ready and I would pick out my favorite one. This is way we always explained getting married to them in the past. (Funny side story: Emily asked my brother if he had found his favorite person yet,the last time he was in town and he said no. Then I continued with some of us are REALLY picky and it takes a while :) ) Anyway, side tracked, Morgan stated that she didn't want me to steal any other kid's dad that wouldn't be fair to them. I love the way this child's mind works!! If more people would think that way... well we won't go there right now. So I kindly told her that I wouldn't even think of stealing anyone's daddy but if God sent us a daddy that already had kids then they may have step siblings. Then they wondered where we would put them (in our house)!!! I told them we wouldn't stay in our house we would buy a bigger house and everyone would have their own room. Emily then say she was started to look for a bigger house for us. "Do you think that one has enough bedrooms?" WHOA sisters, slow down, Mama bear is no more ready for that...

It is so funny to hear how there minds work. We have always had a lot of open discussions about everything. They don't even phase me any more. When they phase other people I think I look at them funny b/c it is so normal to us that I can't image otherwise.  Emily's VBS teacher said that she said her dad was in heaven and responded with a "yah and..." I was wondering if there were more to the story but there wasn't. I just told she talks a lot about it and left it at that.

So we are having our ups and downs. One might think the "hard" conversations are downs but they are memories of a wonderful daddy and husband so those are really our ups. There are some logistics that I have to work though during a normal week to make this house more peaceful. So if you could pray that God reveals a plan for those times that would be great. Bath nights are a nightmare, I feel more like a drill sargent than a mom.
I wish I could update the blog more. Last week's sermon was on happiness vs. joy. AMAZING message that Dave Stone delievered. I think that might have to be another blog post by itself. I just love the scriptures that were used.

Craig, if there are blogs in heave we miss you, we love and we will see again.