Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

One year down

There have been times over the past year where people have said, "just get through the first year." "The first year is the hardest." At the time I thought, we are doing fine, and I am not sure what is going to change at the year mark that would make it so different. It is. I can't explain why. Last Tuesday, March 19th I realized that Craig wasn't coming back. I knew along and where he was and that he wasn't coming back to live with us but there is a new level of this realization. It is hard to explain. Memories of Craig are memories and not life lingering. New normal isn't new now, it is just normal. I'm a single mom and a widow. It is not a matter of I just lost my husband X months ago to cancer, it is simple a status. Apart of this is really sad b/c I rarely visualize Craig in our daily lives any more. Our lives are what they are, we are not in transition and making due, this is our life. I have no idea why the one-year anniversary made this reality, but it did. I have asked fellow widow(er)s if this is what they felt and they said the same thing. There is apart about that is freeing too. We are an awesome family unit (aka: an all girl party, a mini sorority house) that is grounded in God word and trusting His plan. We have figured out new normal for a year. There is a sense of accomplishment. I wrote a blog post titled "progress report" but probably won't ever post it. One night a couple weeks ago I was down about all the limitation that I have being a single mom. I am only one person and my girls deserve better. My friend Liz said that I needed to make a list of all the things in the last year that I have accomplished. I am just as proud of the things that I haven't done as much as the things I have accomplished and checked off the list. It takes a strong person to get through a massive list of things to do but it takes a stronger person to stop and pray and wait for the right answer.

I haven't run off to Vegas to marry the first dude that could kill bugs, take out the garbage and change the light bulbs around here. I'm praying for the fairy tale, I don't want someone just to help out, I want the plan that God intends for us. The past year has taught me He does have a plan, even when He has said no to prayers request I feel blessed b/c I trust His timing and plan is the perfect one.

The funds that people gave us for the girls education fund is still sitting in a savings account at BB&T b/c I wanted to be comfortable with the household money management before locking the funds up until their days at Assumption (or maybe Mercy). I have a meeting Friday to talk about investing those funds.  There is a sense of accomplishment that the house is still standing, the lights are still on, the water is running and the girls Easter dresses are adorable and it is all paid for (electronically b/c it is easier). :) yeah me. (little background: before Craig died I hadn't paid a bill in 10 years. The last time I paid a bill I wrote an actual check for them like they did in biblical times (sarcasm.sorry), he took care of all the money stuff).
These decisions take a lot of time and prayer and that won't change. God has been there every step of the way.

Anyway. This year was a year of growth and healing and now we land in normal. Time seems to speed up too. When you are walking through an intense situation whether it is cancer or grief or whatever time seems to slow down. You cram so many thoughts in one day that you think there is no way that X event happen just yesterday. Time seems to be back to normal. It feel like we have walked through the fire and we are on the other side.

Overall we are doing really well a week into year number two without Craig (minus the stoamch bug that Hannah picked up somewhere along the way. yuck).

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, love you and we will see you again.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Nolan

I went to meet Craig's namesake, Nolan Craig Phillip Graff, last night. I couldn't give him up. I think some relatives waiting to hold him wanted to throw me out the second story window (Sorry). He is such a wonderful reminder of new life. What an absolute gift. Tears most (all) the way home. God's timing is so wonderful. Nolan is so very special.





Monday, March 18, 2013

Remembering Craig today: One year without him

It was a day of ups and downs. Remembering Craig and who he was makes me want him back so very badly but remembering how sick he was I am relieved that he is healed, cancer-free and Home. I was trying to upload a video of him and Hannah in July 2010 but couldn't get it posted. His legacy is his girls. Although he died on cancer, it wasn't who he was. He should be forever remembered as a loving husband, incredible provider, kind friend, a wonderful (!!!!!) daddy, and a faithful follower of Jesus.  

Today God showed His amazing timing. Jenny and Eric Graff welcomed their new baby boy, Nolan Craig Phillip Graff into the world. Although today could have been filled with tears of missing Craig, it was full of text updates on when this gift was to arrive. God made sure that we focused on life and not death today and little man Nolan will hold a special place in my heart.

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, we love you, we miss you and we will see you again. Love you.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Heaven lunch with friends





We had a few close friends join us at church and lunch today to remember Craig. Hannah was excited this morning because she thought it was some one's birthday. So we just called it daddy's heaven lunch, it sounded more uplifting than memorial luncheon. We watched the video that was at Craig's visitation and ate Qdoba (of course). Emily got upset watching the video but rejoined the group for cupcakes. Morgan waited until bedtime for the tears. We miss him. We are fine and hopeful for the future but just miss him.

PS Jenny Graff (on the end of the couch is due any day now. I predicted that baby boy Graff will come tomorrow on the 18th.... Jenny's water broke after leaving here today.... We can't wait to invite a new little one to this world on a day that could be all tears. This baby will be a reminder that God is good, His timing is perfect and precious life goes on. Eric was Craig's best friend since kindergarten. This baby will always hold a special place in our hearts forever. Go Jenny Go!!

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Ecclesiastes 3

Time for Everything
 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:
    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.
What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
 
 
 
This is one of my favorite scriptures. Craig and I used it in our wedding and I used it for Craig funeral. I have more peace today than I have for the past three days. The dark days seem to come in 3s. On the third day I surrender the pain to the Lord and He brings peace beyond understanding. He is the foundation for my family and for that reason we will be okay. It will not be anything of this world. It will be His redemption plan not mine. I looked over this blog last night and the hard days seen to land here. We have had an amazing year of growth, healing and a lot of joy. We have depended on the Lord for those things. Each time I have thought "I've got this" the situation turns rotten and makes me look to Him for peace and hope. He has brought an amazing amount of love and joy to this home. We work through the rough days but there are more days filled with love and joy rather than tears and grief. Anniversaries are made to remember. I remember Craig final days and they were horrible. Some might think that I am nuts but I am looking forward to Monday. I am looking forward to celebrating where Craig lives now. I am thankful for the love that we shared and excited about the healing that we have received this year from the Lord. I am hopeful for the future.

Upcoming post: progress report.

PS on March 19th I am not apoligizing any more for where I am in my grief journey. If I am done with grief then I am done with grief. It has nothing to do with not loving Craig enough, it means I am done. When I revisit it I will revisit it. I am throwing the book out. I have grieved Plan A for 2 years and 5 months. Plan A was over October 4, 2010 when Craig was diagnosed. Everyone does life differently and I am done trying to fit this invisable mold. When I am okay I need to be thankful for being okay and when I am not I need to work through it. The year mark gives new freedom to our journey and I am taking it and running with it. Someone once said "The should's" in life are what get us in trouble. I am offically OVER "the should's" of grief this coming Monday.  

Craig, I'm glad to be able celebrate that you have received the gift of eternal life. I wish there were more years here with us but those are merely second compared to how long we get to live in the House of the Lord together. I love you and will see you again.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The Power of Prayer

I let a couple of prayers warriors know that I have had trouble sleeping the past couple nights. I have had very vivid flashbacks about how Craig looked, his last dinners with us, the way he walked (and couldn't) etc. (you don't want me to go into any more detail than that). For the past year I have not had trouble sleeping. The girls wear me down and when I hit that pillow at 11p it rarely takes long to fall asleep but this week has been brutal. Last night I laid down at 10:30 and fell asleep and didn't wake up until Hannah needed me at 1:30a and then I went back to sleep. To sleep through the night has no explanation other than the POWER of Prayer. This time last year I would have been up with Craig throughout the night and those details have been flooding my head but not last night.

God is Good and my prayer village is amazing.

Just get me to Easter. Goodness this sucks. Keep praying for my family. This is really hard.

James 4:10 Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up. 


Friday, March 8, 2013

Discounted

Written friday: Last night I went to the grief group at SE. I was working through somethings in my heart about this plan that God has for my family. When I hit a bump in the road it throws me back into the mess of "Why?" I had a simple suburb life and when I hit a bump that complicates things the frenzy starts with questions of "Why couldn't I just live the life I had planned?" I struggled with pride a lot. For a time there I felt very discounted. Jeremiah 29:11 says For I know the Plans I have for you to prosper you and not harm you. This has brought comfort but sometimes I have fought with God and asked WHAT WAS SO WRONG WITH MY PLAN THAT WE HAVE TO DO THIS ONE!? My plan was to be married to Craig, to work through our differences, raise our girls, and live the American dream. What was so wrong with Plan A? Never-the-less, I trust His plan. But there has been many conversations with The Lord letting Him know I wasn't digging this Plan B very much. I trust ya Lord but this Plan B just doesn't seem like a very good one right now, I'm willing to ride it out with you but really this one I'm not so sure about it all.

People with great intention sometimes say stuff like, it was God's plan for Craig to die at age 34 and we have to just accept it. Recently I have heard discussion on this topic on WAY-FM especially when talking about the loss of a young child. I don't think that God wants our lives to be cut short we simply live in a fallen world. It is His will that we have the gift of eternal life and whenever our bodies give out then we have a Home to go to. I do think that He builds our bodies strong but they are in fact earthly bodies and have earthly limitations. Do I think that He could have reached down and cleared up Craig's pancreas and liver in a magic wand like fashion? Yes. Why didn't He? I don't flippin' know but to continue to ask those questions will make ya a crazy person and scriptures constantly has the theme, "Do not worry, God's got this." so I am going with that (most of the time anyway).

I am healing and growing through this year. The frenzies are much shorter in length and much less intense as each hurdle comes. I give all the Glory to God for that. Healing without Him is not healing. It is simply move forward. We are doing more than just moving forward. There are days that it is just simply breathing and getting through but with God leading some days we are doing more than that.

http://www.chicagolandwidowed.org/blog/what-i-would-tell-my-newly-widowed-self-monday-january-14-2013
This is great blog post. Here are my additional thoughts on each of the topics.
Your body will feel every inch of your grief so be kind to it.
I have to pat myself on the back for this one. Although around the holidays I was eating comfy food and gained 6 pounds (yuck) overall I have not succumbed to the temptation of overeating or drinking. I think this in large part to the Facing Adversity group that I went to while Craig was sick. I heard story after story of numbing the pain of disappointment with alcohol, drugs or food and then when enough was enough that they were still left with pain and the mess the habit left them. Since the end of January I have added more exercise in the mix and that has been a fabulous help reaching the daily goal of sanity. I have said many times to close friends in my sarcastic way that there should be an award for single parents that aren't alcoholics. Your kids are doing well, and might look like a train-wreck sometimes but you make the good decision not to drink yourself to a comfy place. Here is your certificate of achievement, see ya next year. :) Kidding...kinda.  

Your loss will transform your relationships. and You are not alone…not by any stretch of the imagination.
This has been a tough one to deal with for me. Although I value the new relationships that I have made I miss being a couple so badly. One blog post I never published talked about missing being Craig-n-Michelle. You know the list of people that you go through when you talk about who you are meeting us with this weekend... Gwen-n-Scott, Kristen-n-Brent, Josh-n-Kelly, Jason-n-Christy...I miss being Craig-n-Michelle. But one day I will be a someone-n-Michelle...just not today b/c Ive got some more healing to do.  I do love the new relationships that have developed in this crappy widow club. Crappy reason. Great people.
(future blog post: Who will be at my dinner table in heaven?)

You will actually feel like getting out of bed one day and be happy that the sun is shining and the birds are singing.  I promise.  I promise.  I really do promise.  and You will live with your grief forever but grief will not be your life forever. With the girls I don't have the option to lay in bed and cry. Em and Mor have to be on the bus at 7:15 so when the alarm goes off at 6:00a there isn't an option to roll back over. If I stayed in bed all day then I don't think that would make Craig's legacy live on. He put this family in a wonderful spot before He left. There are times that I have wished for the time to just cry but that is a double edge sword too. I have spend some evening in tears but those are healing tears and each morning is a new day. Some days are easier than others but each day bring healing and closer to the next step for my family.

So this is a long post. I have a lot swirling in my head these days and this is just the tip of the iceberg so thanks for letting type through about a .00000001 of what is on my heart.

Craig, Are you meeting new people there? I know you wanted to hang with your dad and Calvin for a while but what else is going on? There is a bunch of stuff here and then really in the grand scheme of things, not really a whole lot. Anyway, miss you, love you and will see you again.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

anticipation

The anticipation of March 18th has been weighing on me. It seems there is a certain expectation on this day to fall apart. I have taken the day off work just in case I cannot see my computer monitor through the tears. Remembering where we were this time last year is harder than thinking about how Craig was healed on March 18th at 1:10 in the afternoon. Looking back at the Merimee Journey blog and thinking about life at the end of February and the beginning of March brought tears to my eyes. The pain that Craig experienced I don't miss witnessing. The anxiety of when his death would occur and was I doing everything the "right" way, I do not miss. The constant iphone alarm every 2 hour to take pain meds so that he would simply sleep more and be more confused than 2 hours prior, I don't miss. I don't think that I will fall apart on March 18th. I think I will feel a level of relief that I did when he took his last breath. I hope to take the day to remember that he is cancer-free and in paradise. I hope to be relieved that the 1st year is behind us and hopefully the expectations of how to do this grief thing "right" will ease up a bit.

Before this journey I would have defined grief as missing someone a lot. There is a lot more to it than just occasionally thinking, Hmmmm wish they were here. I have said it before, it changes every aspect of life. From laundry to relationships. From dinner to dreams. The list goes on and on and you can't image in it until you experience it. We are committed to work through each of those things one day at a time God's way but for now I can honestly say I am just exhausted. In February I just needed a break from certain distractions. I just wanted to focus on healing and getting through the anniversary as a whole person rather than pieces. I got off track for a couple weeks and rode an emotional roller coaster. I regret letting a situation get me off track to personal peace when I knew I needed to head that way. Now more than ever I am committed to simplifying some areas of life and getting through March as a whole person rather broken.

This time last year when Craig was so sick I remember yearning for the light at the end of the tunnel for him and our family. I remember going through the study of the old testament at church and thinking we were studying such dry and hard topics. I yearned for the light of the New Testament and the Hope that Jesus brought. Here I am a year later and remember what we endured last year at this time, sitting in a time of grief now and still yearning for the Hope of Easter once again. Although I am not the same person that I was a year ago and the journey ahead has almost a year on the books the Hope of Jesus is still what I crave. I know that in His time He will redeem my family. I know some day I will see Craig again. For the month of March I have to make a commitment to being still so that I can feel His peace and eventually find His Hope.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven miss you more than ever when things get hard. You were a comfy spot that knew me better than anyone. I could count on you. I love you and I will see you again.