This blog is set up to update friends and family of the Merimee girl's lives. We lost Craig on March 18th 2012 to pancreatic cancer after a 17 month journey. Cancer and death did not steal our faith. We know that Craig has been healed completely and lives with our Savior. This blog is about our healing and our daily life without him. Life is hard but God is good.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
So yesterday I made it until 4:00 without crying. I felt like I had made a turn. Things were still on my mind but I could think through them without sobbing. That was until Hannah and I sat down to read a book. Our Elf on the Shelf, Joshua, was a bit late this year getting to the Merimee household since we were in Chicago. He arrived Monday. We hadn't read his story yet but we planned to. Yesterday afternoon Hannah was having a 2-year old meltdown, one were every question the answer is no, including if I give you a $100 will you stop crying? "No." I still haven't a clue what the breakdown was about but as she stood there in a purple sparkle flapper dress-up dress and Mermaid high heels with snot and tears running from her face we decided to sit on the floor to read. I grabbed our Elf on the Shelf book and found Craig's note tucked in the front page. And then I had tears (and snot) running from my face. Two Merimee girls sitting on the floor melting down...
Craig didn't tell me that he left that note and I can visualize him thinking about whether he should leave it or not. I remember him putting Joshua away on Christmas Eve last year. I imagine him writing the note and wanting to say much more but couldn't. Then I can image he stuck it in the book and then took it out trying to think about whether it would cause more pain than joy. I am actually surprised that he didn't say anything to me but I know Craig and I know that he thought and thought about this note before putting it away for the year. It is a perfect example of who he was. A man of few words but the words he spoke were well thought out and meaningful. He taught me so much. I am sure that after he put Joshua and his book safely in the box and stored away he sat down and had a good cry. He knew that he would miss Christmas with us this year and all he could do was stuff a note in a book that he knew we would read over and over throughout the Christmas season.
I told Em and Morgan about the note last night but with choir we didn't have time to sit down and read it and the book. They look forward to it tonight.
Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, DUDE! you're killing me! I'm trying to get through a day without crying! Cut it out! Miss you. Love you.
I read my last blog post about the intensity of the situation waining: Ha. not so much now that that the holiday season is upon us.
We went to Chicago for Thanksgiving. My brother lives there. It was on purpose that we were planning on doing something different this year. It would take away from the intensity that there was someone missing at the dinner table. It worked, although Craig was missed in so many other ways this past weekend but it was good to be away. I can't tell you how much I miss someone loving my kids in the way that I do. We have an awesome support system and people love my kids but the love between a parent and child is like no other. The fact that they only get that daily from one parent is devastating to me right now. No one gets a child like a parent does. God designed a family with a mom and a dad for a reason. Although I trust God's plan I can't help but to question it when it comes to the girls. I hate to be negative Nelly but regardless how many friends I have that love my girls, I am a single mom and they only have one parent on earth to love and care for them. I know the legacy that Craig left behind is a great one and they are blessed to have a dad like him but I still have to grieve the loss of my family of 5. I have hope we will be a family of 5+ depending on what God has in store for us in the future but the simple fact that we are not the Merimee Family as originally intented deserves a long pause for some grieving time.
It is hard to write on this blog. It is not like the Merimee Journey. That situation we were getting through a struggle, this phase of the journey we are trying to figure out how to live with loss and process past memories. Writing here is different. I can't descibe it very well but it the reason this blog isnt updated as much as the last one. There were events in the cancer journey that sparked feelings that need to be expressed. Same with this one but they are not scans or last times... it is first times and how can we continue to move forward. I dont want it to be repetitve. I guess I need to write for me and for God rather than an audience of blog followers though. hmmm... I have thought about this a lot before the Thanksgiving break... maybe more to come...
Emily and Morgan went to Chicago with Craig in early fall 2011. I was supposed to go but I just needed a weekend at home, I was struggling so they went ahead without me and Hannah. When we arrived in Chicago this past weekend memories of that trip flooded back for Emily and Morgan. They talked about where Daddy slept in Brad's apartment, what they saw, what bus and train they road on around the city that weekend. They have so many great memories of that trip. I so happy for them and heartbroken at the same time. This weekend we went to the Science and Industry Museum on Friday morning. The Christmas exhibit was the history of Snoopy. This center of the museums was all Snoopy stuff. Craig loved the peanuts. Most cards he bough people were Snoopy. Early in our marriage I enstated a no-Snoopy card policy for my cards. :) We have several Snoopy ornaments on our Christmas tree. Craig's lovey was a snoopy stuffed animal when he was a baby. It was hard walking through the museum, he would have loved it. I hate that he missed it.
As we road on the bus to the parade Thursday morning, Emily was talking about one of her memories from the trip with Craig in 2011. I was missing him so badly at the moment. A man stepped on the bus. He was an older man maybe in his 70s. He was so thin, I could see the bones in the back of his skull and his eye were sunk in. He was healthy enough to get on and off the bus and walk through the streets of Chicago but how thin and fragile he looked reminded me how very sick and fragile Craig was. The last weeks of his life I could see every bone in his body through yellowish fragile skin. I am still so thankful that he is healed from cancer and he is happy and at Home but at this point for me I am in a place of "now what". What do we those memories, (the good and the bad)? What am I supposed to next? I thought I had some of it figured out but the holidays have reminded me of what has been lost and I am once again taken back by how much has changed in two years time.
At times I feel stupid. I stayed very day to day and I think a lot of people were way ahead of me thinking about our future without Craig. I am sure that there are people out that thought "what is she going to do when..." and I my response would be I will cross that bridge when we get there. I really wanted to just put one foot in front of the other and we are doing pretty good at that. We pause and grieve when we need to but keep moving forward. I don't want to get to the point where I am just so bitter about life going on so it does take me some time to really think about the past and what the future holds. My day to day thinking was really based on scripture.
Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
I know that my future is in God's hands and I need to just concentrate on today. I am sure to some people I looked and sounded ridiculous when I said we were doing good. We are doing good, except when we are not. The "not" times usually end up on this blog. It is great way to think through some of these things that get stuck in my head at times. And right now I am stuck and not sure what is the next step to keep moving. I had plans to go to the Dave Matthews Band concert next week and it sounds like torture right now. I want to make fun plans and keep moving in the right direction but right now I am at a stopping point. The holidays remind me of what we have lost and to try to have fun through that doesn't seem feasible. Ugh, I am so ticked off at that DARN pancreas.
Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, I hope you are having a good time b/c quite frankly I am pretty ticked off at your pancreas.
I have been slacking a little bit on Thankful Thursdays b/c I am doing thankful days on Facebook this month. I could list all those things here but I figure I would give you an update of what has been going on around here.
Things have been normal here. We seem to be figuring out the new normal without Craig day by day. Every day we miss him but the intensity of the situations seems to have settled down a bit lately. We ran on high emotions for so long it feels very strange to just be settled into new normal. At times I think maybe I am getting depressed but I think it is really just the difference in the intensity of the past vs. now. Although we have daily struggles we are working through those.
I can say for a fact that raising three girls is not a job for one person. I am struggling with the schedules and after school activities and only Emily and Morgan have them. The thought of Hannah having hobbies in the future makes me crazy. After the holidays we are getting down to one activity each. This week has put me over the edge. Mondays Morgan has soccer, Tuesdays Emily has dance, Wednesdays Emily has choir, today they were doing art therapy, tomorrow we are going to Light up the Summit (more on that later), Saturday Emily has Edge (which is extra projects on top of what they do at school), Saturday evening Emily has choir performances and Sunday she has more choir. So after this week we should be getting back into easier times. Choir has been a bit intense this week. I think the performance should be fun but I am wondering if Emily will do it again next year... we will see. Lesson learned: ease up on the after school stuff, quality time with them is more important.
Tuesday morning I went to donuts with dad at Kenwood (Emily and Morgan's school). I gave them a choice to take Scott, Brent, me or just skip it. They said they wanted me to go. I was the only mom there that day. As I drove passed Craig's plot (you can't get into my neighborhood without driving past the cemetery that Craig's body rest in) I cried. It isn't fair that he didn't get to go to donuts with dad with our girls. It is just not fair!! It is not a major event in their lives but it is still one that he should have gone to. They didn't say anything and it didn't seem to bother them. It didn't bother me too much there other than I was the only chick in the gym eating donuts but it really caught me when I pulled passed the cemetery on the way home. He got to go with Emily last year and I remember sitting on the couch later that night and he worried about who would go to things like that with them. He didn't want them to miss out and he didn't want them to be singled out and feel awkward not being able to go. I told him then that we would just take one event at a time and deal with them as they come along. I then made a joke that I wont repeat on here but we laughed together and I think he felt comfortable knowing that I was going to be able to tackle each situation as they come. So we are. I don't know some days we do it well some days not to much but we are doing it one day at a time.
Donuts with Dad 2012 (what a goofy picture but whatever)
Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, we miss you, we love you and we will see you again.
Me and the girls loving the CATS (even though they are terrible)
Future Delta Gammas at the DG house at UK
Emily and Morgan love hanging with Brian, Bruce and Brad at the game.
Tailgating with my girls. Hannah will get to go next year.
So I am way late with this picture update but nonetheless. We finished up art therapy that morning and went out to lunch with some dear friends that we met at Norton Hospital. The Shelton's appointment was always at 11:00 am while Emily and Morgan was at 10:00. So they came early to and we stayed late to hang with them. The Shelton's lost their dad about two months ago to brain cancer. We have a lot of unfortunate things in common but a wonderful friendship has blossomed over time and we are thankful to have them in our lives.
After we finished up at lunch we headed to Lexington to tailgate with the family as we have done for many years. I thought that being on campus would be hard but if you can remember it wasn't the first time I had to go to the annual event with just me and the girls. Last year Craig was planning to go but with a last minute stomach issues he opted to stay home and we went with out him (sobbing most of the way down I64). Although it was a relief to not have that stress it was difficult to be on campus without him. It was hard to look at the Blanding tower and have great memories of freshmen year and not have him there to share it with him. His fraternity house is no longer the Lambda Chi house, another fraternity is in there, but the library that we walked to together still sits between the two houses. Some parts of campus are really different than when we were there but it still jogged great memories. When I think of how sick Craig was then it makes sense that he is no longer with us but if you travel back in time 15 years then my life makes no sense and quite frankly the week after the trip was really hard. I enjoyed the game and the tailgate but to think back to all that has changed since we walked that campus was a lot to digest. It really took my breathe away. I wish I would have blogged more that week. This always help work through some of those unsettling feelings but I didn't. I should have. I have learned that I need to take the time to digest good memories as well as the bad memories of the past 2 years. The healing process is not about just sitting around and crying it really about taking the time to reflect on the good and the bad. My goal has always been to walk through the fire rather than around b/c that is what is going to make the person that God wants me to be. Taking time for myself to just think/blog/chat is all apart of that.
We did have a great time. They girls love being with family and I feel very fortunate to have such a wonderful group of guys for them to hang out with. They have wonderful role models of Godly men all around them and I am really grateful for that. And we can only assume that basketball season will be much better than football season. Go CATS!
Two weeks ago we took a trip to northern KY area for the end of fall break. We visited the Newport Aquarium and stay the night in a hotel with an indoor pool. We met up with some new friends, Jenny and her girls. I have mentioned Jenny on this blog before. She lost her husband in Afghanistan about 6 weeks after Craig died. Although the reason for our friendship coming to be is not a pleasant one it is really a gift to have someone the same age going through a similar thing. It is nice to have someone to compare notes with and to say things that others do not understand. Her girls are so wonderful and everyone got along really well.
From there we went to Kristy and Bruce's house for the rest of the weekend which included a family shower to Jeanie and Brian. Great weekend and a great way to wrap up Oldham County Fall break.
The girls and I had a blast walking around the neighborhood yesterday trick or treating. We weren't sure that Hannah was going to go b/c she decided not to nap at school but she powered through it and had a blast. I am so thankful for my girls. I am so thankful for the people they are. Each of them are so different and we have such a great time together. I love them more each day.
Last weekend we went to Cincinnati for the last couple days of fall break. As soon as I can find the camera cord to download pictures I will update the blog. We had a great time too.
Please pray for me. I have been struggling with just trying to process all that has happened in the past two years. The past is overwhelming to think about what Craig went through while he battled cancer. It still breaks my heart to think about what he endured. During those times I am so thankful he has been fully healed. But the thoughts of should I have done something different are haunting. The present is overwhelming at times. There have been many days that I have said that raising three girls is not a job for one person. Trying figure out this normal is difficult. During those times I just miss Craig. To think of the future is often hopeful but also so scary. Although I am hopeful that God will lead me to the right person in His time, dating and relationships are much more complicated that the last time I did it. All these details are so very overwhelming to think about at the same time. I feel a little scattered right now. I am taking some time to just think through some things and get the help that I need around the house. Anyway, just pray that I have the courage and streghth to surrender the memories to Him so that He can continue to make it into a testimony that brings Him all the glory. Please pray that each day I can find the strength to continue on as a single mom. And please pray that I can continue to trust Him for our future.
More to come... stay tuned for pictures.
Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, I am so sorry for what you had to endure Halloween 2010. Just witnesses that was one of the hardest weeks of the journey. I am sorry that I didnt realize how very miserable you were. I wanted so badly for you to be with us. I just hated that you weren't healthy enough to enjoy the things that you once did. We miss you. You're girls are so smart and so fabulous. Love you. See you again.
Okay so I have this pre-recorded radio interview on WFIA tomorrow. I have been invited to be on Kristen Sauder radio show, Excellent Things, that airs in the afternoons. She does about an hour interview with people around Louisville (and beyond) that have a God story they are willing to share. I've know about it for about three weeks. I have tried to be prayerful about it but my mind has been cluttered with to do list and odds and ends. I am now down to less that 24 hours before the interview and I can't image what I am going to have to say during this interview that anyone is going to want to hear. AHHHHHH!
My brain is cluttered with to-do list for work. (value added reporting due, radio annuals looming, 1Q TV, Georgetown Grand Opening next Friday, Angel Tree schedules to be worked on... and wait somewhere in there I am sure billing and post are due...) sigh.
My to-do list at home, (unload dishwasher, finish laundry, raise three little girls, don't forget to stick Hannah on the potty b/c we are "potty training" I use that term very loosely, baths, vacuum the basement, figure out Morgan's Halloween costume, buy blue hair spray for Emmy's costume, let the tooth fairy in the door when she arrives to get Morgan's 1st lost tooth...)
And there is the preparing for the trip to Cincinnati this weekend list (oil change, get gas, get money from the ATM, pack for the weekend: snacks, potty, pool supplies, sleeping bags, outfits (have to be cute and clean), camera, wedding shower gift, veggie tray, my stuff...)
So I have all this swimming in my head and add to the list: prayer and concentrating on what He wants me to say in this interview!!! AHHHH! Isn't so typically to let so much stuff get in the way of being able to listen to what God wants us to communicate?
So I am blogging... getting it all out there... what else is clogging my brain so that I can't concentrate on what He wants me to say during this interview... Oh a whole bunch of stuff...the holidays coming up... new friendships...upcoming events...weight gain (ugh so ticked off about this)...being "that" girl with the sad story... memories flooded from the trip to Lexington this past weekend...I swear Craig was just here and now he is not... ugh.
As I blog I am reminded that prayer is not something that is on a list of things to do. It should be a way of life. Constant conversation with Him is the way to keep the to-do's and anxiety from overpowering our minds and getting away from doing this His way.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6
He wants to hear about EVERYTHING. He wants to be turn over all anxieties and all to-do list to Him and be thankful.
God,
HELP me I am drowning in to-do lists, raising three little girls as a single mom, keeping up with a career that I love, and trying to maintain relationships that bring joy, comfort and strength each day. PLEASE relieve me of lists and guide me to YOUR way of doing this MESS called life. Get me on your path (QUICKLY) so that the words during this radio interview are yours and not mine b/c all I have right now is a cluttered head of blah and that is not going to bring you the glory that I so desire for this interview.
"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you." Psalm 19:14
Don't let me utter one syllable of my own. Let every word and thought come from you. Please use me as an example of the peace, joy and love that is so unimaginable to so many in this world. Please let this interview accomplish whatever it is that your Will is for it. Help me to focus on your agenda and not mine!!!!
In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Blog readers, pray Psalm 19:14 for me tomorrow at 4:00, please.
Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss the way that you put things in perspective for me when I am flipping out and your encouragement and I will see you again. I hope you get WFIA up there, I will be on sometime in December. love you. oh and your people are so very good to me. Good call on St. X and Lambda Chi. :)
This post is mostly for me. I haven't been really disciplined with getting pictures downloaded and printed in the last two years so I wanted to get some of the pictures that document days of our daily lives out there since there are not in scrapbooks or in cute photo boxes in my house these days.
Hannah's First Hair cut: I waited too long to do this b/c I was afraid that she would look like a boy and I couldn't get pig-tails in if it were too short. Although I don't think that I can get pig-tails in, her little hair-cut is so cute. She did so good sitting there. I decided at the last minute to add a small layer of bands. I didn't want to b/c in the end you just end growing them out but I they frame her face really well and she looks so cute.
Cutting the bangs
sitting so good in the Princess Jeep
All done.
Saturday afternoon we went to the Fox Hollow Fall Festival. We normally go to Huber's as a family but I just can't do it without Craig this year. Too many great memories so we changed it up a bit. Who knows what we will do next year. The girls did really great. Although later that night I cried b/c they had to carry their own pumpkins. That is something that daddies do at a pumpkin patch. Little thing, I know but it was just a blessing to be able to pick the biggest pumpkin in the patch and have a big strong daddy to carry it to the car while the kids ate pumpkin ice cream or fed the ducks. Not feeling sorry for us but well... okay I am feeling sorry for us. sigh. Just miss some of the little things but still doing what we do, just a little different than before.
Met up with the Richardson's at the festival.
Climbing the hay castle. fun.
This was so funny. Hannah really doesn't know a stranger. She just stopped in the middle of the patch and started talking to that little girls like she had known her her whole life. So funny.
The mommies and the "babies"
Hannah is a mama's girl. :)
Craig, If there are blogs in heaven. I missed you at the pumpkin patch this year. I can still remember the year that Emily and Morgan could finally walk through the patch on their own and we kind of stood there in amazement that things were getting easier with two little girls just 14 months apart. I also remember the year that I stood in the middle of the pumpkin field and I just knew that I was pregnant with Hannah even though it was too soon to take the test. I turned to you and said, I think I might be pregnant and you grinned and said something like I hope so. :) Miss you. See you again.
I dropped Hannah off at school today and walked in the door from the garage and wanted to see Craig sitting on the couch. I wanted him to just drop in and say it is okay to be okay. I wanted him so badly to say you are doing a great job keeping up with life. And I saw that you screwed up the checking account and it is okay. I did stuff like too, you just never knew about it. (I bet he never really did but he would lie about it to make me feel better). I just want his approval. I am running our household and I want him to check in and give an evaluation current status. I want his input on what I should be doing differently (maybe... well I at least want opportunity to argue with him about why I am doing things the way I am doing them). Sigh. It has been so long since I have gotten his two cents. I can't even think that I won't see him in this lifetime again. I stay day to day, that is what God intends for us.
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34
I am so grateful for a great big God that's "got this one". He knows what tomorrow looks like and just wants me to enjoy the blessings of today.
Tuesday evening we received a most wonderful gift from God! If anyone has heard about my washing machine you will be relieved to not have to hear me rant about the flooded laundry room any more! If you can remember in late April/early May the wash machine broke. A princess nightgown got twisted in the rubber lining. In turn a hose snapped (and so did I... remember that post... I realized it takes a village...ANYWAY). The rubber lining never sealed the door closed after that lovely incident so water trickled down the front of the machine and all over the laundry room floor. The little loads were more than a trickle (remember Noah?...kidding). I laid towels under the machine so that it wouldn't get the whole room wet but then the laundry room always smelled like wet towels... ugh... so incredibly frustrating. But after the dishwasher broke we took one thing at a time and made due until I got so fed up and just went out and bought another one. I was almost there, when God had a washer machine delivered to my house!! Holy cow! It is a top-loader, it cleans clothes (!!) and it doesn't flood the laundry room!!! And that, my friends is a BEAUTIFUL THING that I am so VERY thankful for!!! There will be no more mopping up on Thursday after the laundry is complete on Wednesdays!! YEAH!! He is a great provider!! :)
So yes, each day is a roller coaster of emotions but one thing is consistent:, we are trusting in His plan, He is ALWAYS good and we are so thankful. Happy Thankful Thursday!
PS This weekend is the last weekend for the Charity Homes Tour. Support the PanCan house #6!!
Today I am thankful for busy work. I am slammed at work and it is fabulous thing right now. I am also sooo incredibly grateful for my supervisors and my assistant. They are so supportive when bad days hit. They are ready to back me up on rough days like yesterday.
My life is so full of wonderful blessings. Although the days that I need to call a spade a spade are hard, it is easy to look around and know that I am blessed beyond my imagination. I have an amazing support system and I am so grateful!!
I am also so grateful to have a weekend full of fun events with friends and family to look forward to as well. One foot in front of the other... moving on to better days. ;)
Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
The words this song could be my entire post. Working in the Pan Can house at the Charity Home tour was really hard on Saturday. Although being in the house talking about the girls art work was not bad while I was there but when I walked away it was an overwhelming feeling. I talked the talk and walked the Pancreatic Cancer walk for 17 months and to say things like, art therapy, Norton Cancer Institute, cancer battle, passed away in March, chemo, PanCan, over and over threw me right back to where I so desperately wanted to get out of 6 months ago. As I was standing in the house telling pieces of our story and how they related to the Charity that was associated with the house I had a feeling that I wanted my wedding rings back on my left hand, my whole being and identity was being throw back into cancer-land. It took my breath away as I climbed into my car after just a short three hour shift. I was emotional exhausted for days trying to process all the memories that it brought up. Sunday afternoon my mom did my shift at the house since I had such a hard time on Saturday.
The girl's art work featured in the rec room upstairs.
Please don't let the sentiment of this post deter you from supporting the Charity Homes Celebration. It is an amazing opportunity to raise money and awareness for PanCan. The house is in first place with votes, if it wins at the end of the event then PanCan could be awarded up to $50K for research. Please vote for house #6 if you go. More pictures to come... blogger is doing funny things.
Sunday evening was the Purple Light Vigil. Kristen my sister-in-law asked me to do a talk at the event. I felt the call to use the platform to bring God glory and I would do just about anything for Craig's family. There loss is grand and anything that might bring them comfort I am willing to do. Kristen (and team) did such a great job with the event. The vigil was held at Norton Hospital Brownsboro the same place that Craig was diagnosed and died. As the ceremony started I saw one of the nurses that worked there entering the building to start her shift. It was the same nurse that was there when Craig was diagnosed and when he died. Some of this stuff is just too much to swallow right now.
Take away: I need a break from the cancer stuff. It throws me back into cancer-land and HORRIBLE memories of what my husband and best friend endured for a year and a half. Is it something that I would be willing to work on in years to come, yes, but for right now it is too much. I am committed to moving forward for myself and my children. Will there still be work to be done in 2-3 years for PanCan? Yes. Ecclesiastes 3 There is a time for everything. We used this verse in our wedding and I used it in Craig's funeral. Right now is not the time to relive what happen to my family from 10/4/10 to 3/18/12. It is a time to move forward, seek joy and peace and cry when we miss Craig. Everyone grieves differently and I applaud those who have the strength to fight for those still fighting Pancreatic Cancer. But I fought for husband when doctors didn't want to treat him at all, I called every major cancer institute in the continental US to see what they had to offer, I scoured listing for clinical trials, writing notes to take to the "experts", I sat through second opinions, third opinions, trips to Vandy, HOURS in a chair next to my husband being pumped with poison only to understand his true fate. I sat in waiting rooms for HOURS waiting for procedures to be complete to chat with a doctor that said stuff like "that stet will last him indefinitely" knowing the life of the stet that was just placed only would be good 18 months at the most, but getting and hearing the messages he was giving me. I wanted to punch that man so many times but instead I nodded and thanked him for taking care of my husband. The pieces of information I kept to myself rather than discussing with Craig afterwards. He would ask in the car on the way home "Do you know how long this one is going to last? I hate that procedure and its recovery.'' And I would reply, "18 months so you are good to go for awhile." Knowing that the answer was really "don't worry about it I think that is the last time you will have to do this." To say that I am sick of living pancreatic cancer and it effects is vast understatement. Although I feel like such a coward bowing out of the fight for those who still have to fight at this point I feel like screaming I HAVE PUT IN MY TIME. It is not good for my family to have a mom that is at her wits end b/c of trying to process horrible memories. When I say I am relieved for Craig to be healed I mean it. If you haven't ever taken care of someone for 17 months with this disease don't judge those words. Everyone grieves differently. The link below goes to a blog. I don't know this woman and I have never read her blog before but I can't tell you how close she NAILED it on this one. I read it with tears streaming down my face. Unbelievable. http://www.fourlittletomsandamom.blogspot.com/2012/01/proverbs-31-ministries-blogpost-our.html
I really thought that meltdown day would be tomorrow. Funny how things work out. Tomorrow 10/4/12 is the 2 year anniversary that Craig was diagnosed with PC. I remember sitting in the ER listening to the nurse say there is a mass in his pancreas. My first question was "does he need that or can you just take it out". I haven't a clue what she was saying. I didn't even know what the pancreas was at that point. Later that night I got the full scope of it. Mass hysteria as I had three little girls at home in bed, one just 4 months old and Dr. Morris telling Craig he had 6 months to live. Our lives would never be the same. EVER. October 4th is harder for me than March 18th. So much was gone at that very instant. On March 18th Craig simple stopped breathing, he was out of pain and healed. On October 4th he started a journey that was devastating. Our future was gone instantly. For months full of chemo he worked to buy time so that he could make as many memories as he could with the girls. We worked through the toughest situation with a lot of grace and dignity. I am proud of the way that we handled the situation. Although there are still some things that I would change I still think we did pretty darn good, all things considering.
I am not sure what stage of grief that I live in right now. I think I am bouncing back and forth from acceptance to anger. There are times during the week that I walk away from the frustration of raising three girls by myself and just say over and over, this is such "bull sh*t" "it is such bull sh*t that I have to do this by myself" I don't know who I am talking to whether it is Craig or God (hope not, I'm sure He doesn't approve of the language choice) or just getting it out there but I think if I were to ever write a book on grief I would replace the chapter about anger and title it "this is such Bull SH*T." I can honestly say that there are several times that I am so ticked off at Craig, I realize this is not fair that he would have done anything to be here to raise our girls but it doesn't seem fair that he is hanging out in paradise with JC and I am struggling here. I do tell him that. I am sure he doesn't listen b/c he had an uncanny ability to be able to tune me out when he was alive, I am sure that he took that with him. ugh. Such Bull Sh*t.
Today is a down day. The memories are just so hard to think about. I am so ticked at what Craig had to endure. I am so stinkin' mad that my girls don't have their dad. Two years ago seems like at least 15 years. There is just no way that was just 2 years ago. I am not the same person as I was. It just seems ridiculous that was just 2 years ago. The whole thing is just ridiculous. I hope that I have the courage after this rant to do thankful Thursday tomorrow. Today I am calling a spade a spade. This is BS.
Craig, If there are blogs in heaven... ugh I can't even go there right now.
Craig at Myrtle Beach - September 2010 - 2 weeks before being diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer
This week has been crazy getting everything together for the Charity Homes Celebration in Norton Commons. We are in the midst of getting a display table together that will feature material about pancreatic cancer, pictures of the walk we did in Indy in June 2011, pictures of Craig and purple hersery kisses (for those who love a little chocolate). The home will showcase some of Emily and Morgan's artwork from art therapy. The first day is this Saturday and I have to say I will be excited to get the event underway.
Little nuts right now.
If you are planning on going but haven't gotten a ticket you can purchase them at the event, just make sure that you tell them at the front that you want to support the PanCan house in honor of Craig Merimee.
When you go to the event make sure that you vote for the PanCan house at the end of the tour. The house that gets the most votes has a potential to receive up to $50K for their charity. That would get us that much closer to finding more solutions for pancreatic cancer.
The Charity Homes Celebration goes from 9/29 - 10/14.
Wednesdays and Fridays 4-8p and Saturdays and Sundays 12-6p
This past Sunday we joined the Graviss family at the UK alumni hayride event held at Spindle Top, right outside of Lexington. We had a great time getting into the Fall season. :)
This past Tuesday, 9/18/12, Craig was gone 6 months. I wrote a blog post but decided to keep it to myself for right now. For the most part the day went by like any other. I haven't really gotten caught up with the monthly anniversaries. Yes he was gone 6 months on Tuesday, but he was gone 6 months and 2 days today, not that much difference, he is still not here, the 18th of the month is not much different than the 20th quite frankly. Although the day stuck out a bit more than any other day of the month, and I kept myself extra busy that evening but really wasn't that much different than any other day.
I have struggled this week with not struggling "enough". That makes no sense, I know. There is a part of me that feels pressure to make myself just sit on the couch and cry and cry. Honestly I did have a meltdown today but more b/c I was overwhelmed with everything I have to do by myself.
So whoever made the rule "Don't make any big decisions the first year you have lost your husband" clearly wasn't 34 with three kids. Not making decisions is not really an option around here. The dishwasher broke a couple weeks ago and this week I finally made a decision on which car to buy. I sold Craig's car to my mom a couple weeks ago after her 15 year old Saturn finally was declared "done". After MUCH research and test driving different options, I decided on the GMC Acadia. It fits our needs much better than the Acura that I had. The Acura had over 100K miles on it and it didn't feel comfortable not having anyone here at home if something did go wrong while out and about. The Acadia is loaded including a DVD player for the girls. Yes, I did treat us to that and I don't regret it. It is impossible to load a portable one and drive up I-71 at the same time. So it was tough to work through the options, and make a decision on my own but I did it. I don't regret the decision or the timing but today I stopped and thought am I doing this whole first year wrong?! There seems to be these unwritten rules for the first year of widowhood, that you shouldn't make big decisions, you shouldn't even think about dating, you should just sit on your couch and cry with a black hoodie on for a whole year after your husband dies. There were lots of decisions that WERE put on whole for a year (+) b/c we were making treatment decisions and it was too overwhelming to decide on anything else. Not making a decision on a dishwasher wasn't even an option a week ago. We aren't going to live on paper plates and hand washing dishes every night. So I picked out one with the help of a friend that listen to what I liked about the old one and helped dig through the website to find the best option for the money. I don't know if I am doing this "first year as a widow" right but quite frankly I am doing the best that I can and we are happy. We have our moments of missing Craig and being overwhelmed but most days we are fine and I am sick of feeling guilty about that b/c some unwritten rules.
I wrote a blog post in April that I never published. I wasn't sure it was fair to share details of the very end of Craig's life. But I feel like it is small piece of what I miss still 6 months later so I would like to share it. We had little things that were just ours. I miss being us still. So here is the blog post that was written 4/20/12:
We had this fun game that we played at our house. We wouldn't say it out loud but if you mouth "Elephant Shoes" to someone it looks like you are saying "I love you." So we would look at each other and mouth "elephant shoes" or "I love you" and the person would try to guess whether you were saying "Elephant Shoes" or "I love you." Adorable, fun game. We would also say elephant shoes to the girls if we were in front of friends just in case they didn't want to be embarrassed b/c mom/dad were being too mushy. It was like our little code words. After Craig was admitted to the hospital and settled in his room on the morning that he died , I was asking him if he was more comfortable and letting him know what was going on. In the state he was in I really couldn't figure out his mental state and if he was following along with what was happening throughout the morning so I was trying to fill him in. After the general state of the union I let him know that I loved him etc. etc. and then I asked him if I said "elephant shoes" would he know what I meant. Most of his body including most of his face were stiff and then wasn't a lot of response as far as facial features. His hands and arms were cold and most of him was lifeless. He could talk until about an hour before he died other than that his body was simple shutting down. When I asked if he understood "elephant shoes" he nodded slightly and his upper lip raised as if he were smiling. Makes me smile to think we still had our little inside jokes as a family even up until the very end.
I am so grateful for the time that I had with him. I hurt for my girls b/c they simply didn't get enough time with the guy that would love them more than anyone else on this planet. I'm tearful at times that Plan A didn't pan out the way that I had hoped but still eager to see what is in store for Plan B. I am grateful for all that God has provided in the form of old and new friends, and joy in a time that "should" be utter darkness.
"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11
Craig, I miss "us". I will see you again but until then we are doing good. Elephant shoes :)
Last week I wrote a couple blog post but didn't post them. They were journal entries and not really a reflection of the house but more just working through things going on in my head. sorry for the hiatus on ThThs.
I got our HHI professional pictures in the mail last week and began to hang them in frames throughout the house. I stress about what pictures to replace each time we get family photos taken but it was even more stressful updating some those that have been around the house for years and years. It is hard to figure out which pictures to keep up of Craig and which to replace with more recent ones. I want to remember the good times that we had as a family but I also want the pictures displayed around the house to reflect where we are and who we are today. Family pictures have always been a big deal to me and obvious continue to be. So I did replace some wedding and engagement photos in my bedroom with some of the ones on the beach of the girls. Each step forward is taken with prayer and intention. If it doesn't feel like the right time that I simply leave it be until it feels right. Some might think that I may move to slow on taking steps and some might think that I move entirely too fast. Please know that nothing is changed without many conversations with God.
I took another big step (if you want to call it that) and moved Craig's clothes out of the closet and the dresser to the storage area in the basement. I didn't throw anything away but I feel the need to make the space mine rather than ours. I have read widow's blog posts where the widow tearfully removes her late husband's clothes smelling each piece. I did not do this. I packed the clothes in bins and went on about the evening. Later that night I went back into my room to get ready for bed and second guessed myself. I sat down on my bed and thought oh no here comes the meltdown, and I reached for my iphone and checked my email one last time for the evening before I intended to go to sleep and saw that a widower acquaintance had emailed and said that he didn't know what was going on this evening but that God had put me on His heart and he felt the need to reach our via email. He included Psalm 56:8 (You have stored my tears in your bottle and counted each of them.) to illustrate how God loves and cares for each of us so much. I knew the second that I read that email that God wanted me to be peaceful and joyful about where we are in our lives and it was OKAY to remove Craig's clothes from my room. We love and miss Craig but it is also time to feel the joy He wants for us after the long cancer journey. There are times that I feel guilty for how well we are adjusting without him but I know that it is only through the strength of God's presence that we can be doing this. This strength that brings such peace from the Creator, who I am to say I do not accept it and replace it with guilt. That is not what God intends for my life right now. He wants my family to be OKAY and we are b/c of all the ways He provides each day. Without that email I probably would have laid awake crying or worried whether I removed the clothes too soon etc. God provided in a major way through a simple note from (basically) a stranger.
Last week was a week of moving forward and receiving the gifts that God provides. So my Thankful Thursday is a big one this week. I am so thankful for a God that never leaves us and never forsakes us. He cares for us so much he keep all of our tears we shed in a bottle. He wants us desperately to cling to Him so that we can receive His gifts of peace and joy regardless of the circumstances.
Thank you, Lord for all that you have provided. :)
Today I was in need of reminding myself to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. It was a refocus day. While I worked I tuned into Jeremy Camp on YouTube. Yesterday I was searching for my UK diploma so that I could put it in the frame that I bought for Craig when we were engaged. It is big one with Memorial Coliseum on the top and a place for the diploma on the bottom. I still haven't found it but while I was searching I found paperwork that was nothing big but it was an illustration that we (Craig and I) had a LIFE before cancer. It took me back to a "normal, non-cancer, non-widow" life. It shook my security in where I am in my life right now. I was content in turning the next page in this journey and keep moving forward but it reminded me of a plan that we had that never came to be. And it took a bit to dig deeper today to stay in His plan for my family and not be anxious about the future.
The sermon linked above was the sermon that Dave Stone preached the Sunday after Craig was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic stage 4 cancer and given 3-6 months to live. The sermon is simple titled "WHY?" (HELLO can we say timely?!!) We had just finished up a 4 week series on prayer. I can't say the Prayer series was an earth-shattering series as we sat through it to be honest but when the time came (a week later) it was put into practice and became life-changing. The One Question Series, starting with the question WHY in week one, kicked off a 17 month battle of cancer for Craig and a 17 month farewell for me. I know that the cancer battle had much purpose to it and this sermon reminded me to fix my eyes on Jesus through every battle and every normal day regardless what normal looks like.
In the sermon Dave states that the hour that Southeast packed the Blankenbaker building with every single seat filled to see and hear Bear Grylls' testimony during Momentum week might be noted as the finest hour that Southeast has ever had. It might be; but not because the church filled every seat in a huge building including overflow rooms b/c of a celebrity came to town (in my opinion). It was SE finest hour b/c two 32 year old sat in room 313 at Norton Old Brownsboro Crossing crying about the most horrific news possible and said "His will be done." It was SE that lead us to have that courage to say that and it is my relationship (which continues to flourish at SE) that allows me to be secure in my future regardless of the bumps in the road ahead.
Just took a little refocus today to remember that...
Sorry for the late post I went to bed way early last night to catch up on sleep.
We are doing really well here. I give all the credit to God for that. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think wow what an incredible provider He is to me and my girls. He provides every need and listens to every want. He blesses me in so many ways.
Just yesterday I received an email from one of Craig's friends at BB&T just reminding me that people are still praying and thinking of me and the girls. A lot of people say well people go on and just forget about the pain that you are in. I have not felt that at all. I am not sure if we are just that loved or if we are moving forward so the world is not crumbling around us or a little bit of both but there are very few days that I feel forgotten. God sends little notes and sweet conservations through so many of His faithful followers. Such an amazing provider!
Grateful list:
- 30 minutes that I get to watch Bubble Guppies with Hannah in the morning. Emily and Morgan get on the bus about 7:20 and Hannah and I have 30 minutes to cuddle and watch cartoons before I take her to school. She knows most of her colors and is so smart. blessing.
-working from home. WHAT A BLESSING! This allows me flexibility to be there for the girls and not have the hassle of the commute. Just love it. It is an absolute gift.
-friends: God has sent me the most fabulous people on the planet. Just love them.
-church: It is so important to have a place that helps create that foundation that we stand on each day and say "hey we are doing okay". Love that place.
-my brother: YEAH! Uncle Brad is coming in this weekend. Hooray!!
This weekend is so busy. Saturday - my assistant's wedding, Sunday - game time BABY! Go Cats!! Monday - Familypooza at SE!! Pray for sanity and good FUN. I have prayed for joy after the long cancer journey and He has provided and then I feel guilty for being joyful about life in general. We still have times of sorrow b/c we miss Craig but God is good and we are grateful.
Happy Labor day weekend! Thanks for you.
Craig, if there are blogs in heaven we are going pretty good, I love you, I miss you and I will see you again. And I moved some pots and pans around in the kitchen and it still feels so strange that you don't need to know stuff like that since you are not here to unload the dishwasher. sigh. love you.
