Mother's Day

Mother's Day has been the hardest holiday so far. Easter I was still excited for Craig to be cancer free. I was thankful for the true meaning of the holiday for my husband. Our Anniversary was tough but nothing like today.

Craig and I were put together to be parents. Our relationship took hard work but we worked so hard b/c we wanted a strong family unit. My favorite two minutes of the year is when a prayer is said for the moms at church. All the moms there stand and while a prayer is said. Craig would hold my hand so tight and squeeze it during the parts that spoke to him. It was the biggest dose of encouragement during the whole year. When we first started to go to SECC I dreamed of the day that I would be able to stand up to say I was a mom. In years past I've stood with babies in my arms, and kids in the nursery when they were too old to sit with us. I stood there pregnant. I have stood there with guilt over a bad morning praying for patience. I have stood there praying for direction and sanity. I have stood there with tears of thanksgiving rolling down my face. But it is not the same without someones hand to hold. It is all me. Yes, I have help (lots of it) but when it comes down to it, Emily, Morgan and Hannah are just mine. I dreaded standing there by myself when I thought about it this week. I knew I needed the prayers so I wasn't going to skip church but I knew it would be tough. I had no idea that I would break down in the fashion that I did. I couldn't stand there by myself. I sat down and just cried and cried through the entire prayer. It just hurt too bad to stand there by myself. The other half of this parent unit is gone and it doesn't seem like much of a unit with that piece missing.

It is so hard to be a single mom. There isn't anyone around all the time to tell you you're doing a good job or no you didn't screw them up that bad today. Sigh. I know that I need to be filled up by God's love, patience, peace etc etc but I miss so badly being married to someone that loves my kids as much as I do. To think that is never going to happen in my life again is so hard. I hope to get married again when the time is right but who ever God sees fit will still never love my kids the way Craig did. It could be the most wonderful person on the planet and be the best step-dad in the world but it is still never going to be the same.  It was too much to just grin and bare it. I missed him so much during that moment that there wasn't a plaster smile big enough to cover the pain. This was my favorite two minutes of the year now it seems to be the most painful.
Craig if there are blogs in heaven, I miss you, I love you, thanks for making me a mom, and I will see you...