Hannah's 3rd Birthday

Hannah and I on June 14th 2010

Hannah's 3rd birthday was yesterday. It took me a while to decide how we were going to celebrate. Her birthday reminds me how close to perfect I had it. I can't explain how incredibly content and happy with life I was, when Hannah was born. She was a perfect baby girl and a completion of our family of 5. The night after I had her Craig stayed at the hospital and it went like any typical first night, really messy diapers, feedings every two hours, nurses in and out all the time. The second night Craig stayed at home and I had her all to myself. I kept her close all night. I knew that when I went home the next day I would have to share her with visitors, Craig, and the girls. I wanted to savor the night while I had it. It was pure baby love. I fed her, and changed her, held her and stared at her all night. I remember the nurse popped in at 4:00a and asked if I had slept at all and I said, "I'm alright." I wasn't going to let sleep keep me from adoring this final Merimee baby. It was one of the best nights of my life, I just adored this baby. Hannah has had a special place in my heart since day one. She was always a mama's girl and I never had one until she came along. Her smiles and giggles made life good when it wasn't in cancerland. She is a funny little girl. At times her temper gets the best of her but she is adorable and lovable.

Happy 3rd Birthday Hannah! (breakfast chocolate muffin)

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, Hannah is 3. There are soooo many times when during the day I think, What would Craig do? when dealing with Emily or Morgan. But with Hannah I don't think you would even know what to do. You would love her songs and her giggles but there are things that she gets into that not even the most level-headed, patient dad would know how to handle. Prayer is the only answer. :) She is awesome. We made such fabulous people. Love you. Miss you. Will see you again.

"I want names" - add my name to your list please.

Prayer mirror

Sometimes the quietest times in a house full of kids is when the blow dryer is going or when the vacuum is running. I do a lot of praying for others while I straighten my hair. Names pop into my head throughout the 15 minutes of blow drying and round-brushing this mane. Names of people that I have told that I would pray for them. There are a lot of times that names flood my head and I cant finish a thought before the next one jumps ahead. I am a big list maker especially when I have million things bouncing around my head like ping pong balls. My lists get my thoughts organized so I can concentrate. I started writing names on my mirror with a dry erase marker. 
There are catelogories: Hope for Widow(er)s, babies unborn and newly born, my kids, my friends marriages, Moms waiting to be moms, Healing in Cancerland, etc etc. depending on the day...

We are doing a series at SE called "I want names". It is about praying for others, connecting them to Jesus and watching miracles happen but it starts with prayer. So this is my list. The girls love it and they do it to their mirror too sometimes.

So I feel like I have neglected this blog a bit. So sorry about that. Emily had her dance recital yesterday and we have been busy at the pool. I crash at 8:00 with the girls most night and then get up about 10:00 and realize I fell asleep too early. Crazy summer sleep schedule. I just finished the book "My Single Mom Life" by Angela Thomas. It was amazing and heart breaking at the same time. She is divorced so her situation is a bit different. As I read about how to make life amazing even though things don't look like you wanted them too I realized that I have to form a life for us girls without Craig. The one-year anniversary really sealed the deal that we are no longer a family of 5. Until then I felt like we were a family of five except one person doesn't live with us girls any longer. This is a sweet thought and I now that Craig will always be with us in some form (memories, genetics and what-not) but to continue to move forward in a healthy direction we have to grow as a family of four. This is a bit heart breaking as well as exciting. Mixed of emotions at every turn.

The other thing that I am working through and praying through is remembering Craig without cancer. Leading up to the one-year anniversary VIVID memories of how he looked in his last days/weeks flooded my head and kept me up at night. When hospice visited with us in the last months of Craig's life we talked about the girl's grief. Since Hannah was so young when Craig died she has no memories of him at all. She will take pieces from every one's stories and opinion and form a dad in her head. I think I am doing the same thing and it is painful. I want to remember Craig as a healthy person but when I do that it doesn't make sense that he is not here with us. So this is where you come in. If you have a prayer mirror, wall, notebook, whatever. Please write down my name. I need courage to release the bad memories of cancer and replace them with memories of a great husband and father. If I remember the cancer stuff then I am glad Craig has been healed but it is harder to let that go and remember the good stuff. I need to to be able to take the next step for my family. I need to remember him as 180ish pounds and rosy checks, smiling hanging with friends wearing a polo shirt and kahki shorts. I need to remember the silly games he played around the house with the girls. I need to remember the person that made this house a home. I need to stick with that image rather than the 113 pounds of yellow skin and bones he left here on earth. I don't want to forget what we went through in cancer-land but I can't keep reliving the end just b/c it gives me a sense of relief that he is not here any more. The next step in healing is remembering the good and moving forward as a family of four. Prayers please.

Hannah Jane's birthday is Friday. another post to come. Her birthday is so HARD.
Emily and Morgan jumped off the high dive at the pool on Saturday - I hope to post the video.... we will see.
Anyway - more less sad post to come. We are loving summertime. We made our summer check list the last day Em and Mor were in school. We have a lot of fabulous stuff to do this summer. Love it.

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, we miss you, we love you and we will see you again but it will be a while and that hurts.

Thankful Thursday - Busy week

The laptop needs a windows update which I discovered last night at 11:00. I just went to bed so this is late. sorry.

We are wrapping up the school year at Kenwood Station and have a lot of event going on. I am SOOOOOOO grateful for a flexible schedule so that I can hit as many events as I can as we close out the school year. Emily had events throughout the month so she doesn't have a picture update but I may crash her picnic lunch today and grab a couple pics. Wednesday, Morgan had a writing lunch and in her master folder was all her writing from this year. Her sentences are getting more and more complete and it was great to see her progress through the year. She is an awesome kiddo. Hannah had her end of the year performance. Her class sang Miss Mary Mack, ABC's, Counting in Spanish, Spanish Color song, My five senses, and Never Stop Learning. She did so AWESOME. She sat in her seat, sang every word and did most the motions. She was so proud of herself and I was too. I tried to get the video to download to YouTube but again IT is not my game. We may need an IT department on staff around here. :)

Busy week. So proud of my kids. So grateful to be able to get to everything b/c Sheehy is so good to me.



Morgan at her writing lunch






Proud Mommy with Morgan at her writing lunch



Morgan's class at the end of the year party






Hannah and Proud Mommy

 

Hannah after her end of the year performance

  



  



 

Love Came Down

I have an addiction to this song...

Jonah 4

There have been a lot of blog post rattling around in my head over the last two weeks. The two weeks leading up to derby were filled with to-do list and fun events that left me depleted. Last week I started a new book and was determined to get back in the Word. I was floundering for two weeks of "gotta-get-this-done" I found myself in a very blah place after derby week.

Chapter 4 - Jonah pouts under a tree God provides - B/c of God's amazing grace throughout our journey through cancerland I knew if we could find love, peace and joy in that situation we could in any situation. I knew that it was going to be "okay". So here we sit in "okay" God has come through on every promise that He has made. He has provided for all our needs. I know where Craig is and he is healed. I cling to the Lord each day while raising three little ladies and we are okay. Told ya we'd be okay. But I sit, pout and beg God to bring some the shade just as Jonah did in chapter 4.
Dave explains it a bit better:
http://www.southeastchristian.org/default.aspx?page=4754&series=49
I love Dave's wrap up of why Jonah wrote his book the way he did. I guess that is why I identify with the story and Jonah himself. So imperfect, I get frustrated with staying the course, I pout and beg for shade.

I started the book "Strong Woman, Soft Hearts" last Monday. I haven't gotten very far in it but never the less it is a start. Thursday I went the Facing Adversity group at SE that was such a blessing while Craig was sick. It was awesome to see some of the people that were such a blessing in the dark days. I gave a brief update on our lives since Craig died and a recap of my story to the new people. They were and are such a source of encouragement. One of my friends in the group had an extra ticket to the Third Day concert. Yeah! I went online so many times trying to get tickets to the this sold out show. It was a great concert!
My favorite song was not Third Day but Josh Wilson's "Before the Morning."  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qG1ThtgguE
I love the line, life is not a snapshot. Although the cancer journey was a turning point and an event that will forever change our lives, it is not the end. It is not the end of my story or Craig's. Although we won't know what he is up to until we see him again, we will see him again. I have and will have so much to tell him and he will say next to nothing (ha ha!) but smile and quote movies. Can't wait. :) So the post-cancer story is still a story of trusting the Lord each day. His timing is perfect and His shade when provided is perfect.

Psalm 37:4 "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." kept popping up in random places last week. I kept saying you know the desire of my heart. The timing is not now or the near future but you know my desire so why do I need this scripture this week? We have been over this desire time and time again. So I wrote it down trying to figure it out. TAKE DELIGHT in the LORD. The first step is to take delight in the Lord. Be content in your own current circumstances b/c He is with you. Thank Him for what He has provided. Take Delight before you get to your list of desire.

The second year is hard. It does not have the intensity of year 1, but I am forgetting how sick Craig was and I just miss him. To be painful honest, I just pretended last night that he was at BW3s for a late night with friends. It is not denial, it was just taking a break from reality for an hour. I miss him and I miss the life we had. The journey is to delight in and be thankful for the life that I have now and be hopeful for the life that is in the future but sometimes it takes tears before you can get to that. Tears that heal are not in vain.

We have a lot going on day to day as well as the healing in our hearts. School is wrapping up. Field trips etc. Soccer for Morgan is wrapping up. Emily has a dance. I starting to write some blog post for my workplace, Sheehy + Associates, which has been a lot of fun and a great new challenge. Hannah is still not potty trained, not sure what to do with that girl other than just love her. She has memorized the book Pinkilous. I have been trying to get it to download to YouTube.com but it hasn't worked. Anyway, more to come.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, I love you, miss you and will see you again.

Mini Marathon 2013. Guest Blogger: Chris Richardson

Guest Blogger: Chris Richardson
This past Saturday was a big day for our team Craig's Hope as we participated in the Kentucky Derby Festival Marathon/mini-Marathon. Last year the team had three runners and a loud support team, and raised over $4600 in donations. This year, we were 8 runners strong and have so far raised $6,615.00, thanks in large part to the efforts of Scott Deitz, who really spearheaded the effort and kept us all motivated and inspired. Kudos to Scott Dant for running the Marathon! That’s a major accomplishment! Kudos, as well, to all the mini-Marathon runners, it’s no walk in the park.

I encourage everyone to spread the word and if you have ever considered giving the mini-Marathon or even the Marathon a try, join us next year and help us in our efforts to raise awareness and funding to help understand and stop pancreatic cancer.

A very special thanks to the support crew that came out to cheer us on! It really means a lot to all the runners to have you all there cheering and shouting encouragement, and it always seems like it’s at just the right time! It was also great to have the team and their families over for some pre-race pasta loading and camaraderie. Thanks, Janelle, for the great spaghetti! And thanks to everyone who brought all kinds of yummy food!

I really wanted to thank Michelle for inviting us over for a post race celebration. We all enjoyed the company and the food and got some much needed rest for sore muscles.

That gathering made me happy to be around such great friends, but by the same token, of course, it’s also times like those that weigh heavily on me and make me really reflect on the loss of such a great guy. I will always miss hanging with Craig at the Oaks or making mint juleps at the annual Merimee Derby shindig. Those were wonderful times in my life that I will never forget.

As we’re all taking in the weekend festivities, make sure your raise a glass of bourbon and get your name in the race pool! Craig wouldn’t have it any other way.

On that note, “Punch it Chewie!” Let’s get more runners and more participation next year!!

Brad Toon (Michelle's Bro) running

(Michelle's cousin) Rob Knarr running

Rob running

Chris running

Scott Deitz, team captain running (sorry Scott, I did not get a good picture this year.)

Hannah eating donuts in the cheer section



cheer section with the breakfast of champions



Cheryl Pfennig running (looking good)

Missing Running pictures: Katie Hood (Craig's cousin). Rich Graviss (Craig's frat Brother and friend of the fam). Scott Dant (friend of the fam).  




5/8 of TEAMHOPE with the cheer section



pasta party at the Richardson's house Friday before the Saturday morning run

partying with pasta at the Richardson's

The three amigos



the Richardson's pasta party



Hayden

Sean Merkt holding Nolin Craig at the after mini grill out

Runner resting after the mini

Hannah (aka: Snow White) getting in the bounce house at the after mini Grill out

Cheryl lovin on sweet Amelia

Scott Deitz after the mini. He had a lil to drink, just a little.

The girls at the post mini grill out.



Well deserved beer after the race



Note from Michelle:

Sorry the pictures are all out of order they are hard to move around. It was a wonderful and very exhausting weekend. Words cannot describe the many emotions that went along with the this run. This was the third year TEAMHOPE has run for Craig, the second year without him. You would think that this would be getting easier. It wasn't an easy year for me. The truth is I would love to have pasta with friends just have to have dinner together and cheer friends on that are just running to run. I feel honored to have so many friends and family want to honor Craig in this way but at the same time I would love to just have him here and never have been effected by PC. It was a mix of intense emotions this year.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, I miss you so much this time of year. I wish we were going to Oaks today. I wish you were ordering mint juleps and I was ordering Lilies all day and betting on the fillies. I wish we were back to throwing our derby party. Plans change and we are doing okay here just missing you so badly and wishing you were here with us. Happy Derby week. Love you.  

ugly trees and TEAMHOPE

I miss Craig more on nice sunny days. I don't know why some feelings hit harder than other times. When it is 60s and sunny and we are on the back deck, I want so badly to debate with Craig which ugly cedar trees we are cutting down in the backyard. I wanted them all down, he wanted to save the one near the deck for shade. I wanted to put a pool there. He would roll his eyes, yes that is what we need, a pool to take care of. Miss him so badly. I miss our language and our life together. I miss his calm, confident, consistent presence. I am enjoying my abundant life but still missing him so much. 

We were eating dinner outside one night and Emily said, "I'm glad that tree is there, it shades the deck nicely." Seriously. Craig. Junior. It is eery and comforting at the same time.

Derby season is upon us in the bluegrass. I went to the "They're Off luncheon" last Friday with Cox Radio, and Thunder over Louisville with a friend on Saturday so it is officially DERBY season! So much excitement leading up to the race on the first Saturday in May. This weekend is the (mini) marathon and TEAMHOPE has raised $4645 so far!!!! WOW! Each team member has hit their goal so they will all be sporting their Purple shirts on Saturday morning. We are meeting down at Central and 3rd to cheer the runners on and then going down to the finish line. If you will be there look out for the Purple people. Much love for all the members of TEAMHOPE, especially Scott Deitz for organizing everything on top of starting a new job! Busy bee. And big cheers for Scott Dant who is running the full marathon this year!!! There is still time to support the team! Link below.

http://teamhope.kintera.org/faf/search/searchTeamPart.asp?ievent=1036967&lis=1&kntae1036967=9E0CEFA5C3D64C52B9B4808CF1424C11&supId=0&team=5372584&cj=Y

Craig, this week I have been missing you so much. I just wish you would walk through the garage doors so badly sometimes. Miss you, love you and we will see you again.

Cheesecake on a stick

The moments that I think "If Craig were here..." become fewer as time goes on but yesterday at soccer practice for Morgan Coach Rob said, "If you could review field positions with the players at home that would be helpful." Since I have never played soccer, I replied, "I'm gonna need a chart for that." If Craig were here he would be Morgan's coach. He would know the positions. He would practice with her in the back yard. He would have loved spending the time with her, it would become their thing... He was her soccer coach when he was diagnosed. He love it.  

I got an email for the Market Day which is a fundraising program for the girls school. Cheesecakes on a stick were on special this week. Craig would have LOVED cheesecake on a stick!! :) I am sure there would have been some movie quote that would have been fitting for this order. I am not ordering them. I would sit on the couch and eat the whole box.

We are gearing up for the DERBY mini-marathon next weekend. More to come on TEAMHOPE. Here is the link if you want to donate. Please support Scott Dant, he hasn't hit his goal yet and we need to make sure he gets his purple run shirt. Scott and Liz had a baby this week. Mary Kate Dant was a 10 pounder. Congrats to the Dant family. :)

http://teamhope.kintera.org/faf/search/searchTeamPart.aspievent=1036967&lis=0&kntae1036967=F9E22F38577B42FAB903462790AC4549&supId=0&team=5372584&cj=Y

Craig, I hope they have cheesecake on a stick in heaven. :) Miss you and love you. 

Board of Directors (from the Book One Widow to Another by Miriam Neff)

Normal. One major thing that is so different since Craig died is that I don't share my life with someone. You are probably thinking well duh. But really there is no one on this planet that knows what is going with every piece of my life. This is weird. A home is the hub of a life. Family members come in and out and school, sporting events, dinners, work, church, etc. When you are married you share everything. There is a general exchange of status, events that you divvy out: you pick up there, I have to be here at this time, are you going to be home to do this... blah blah. It is just me. I'm the hub. I have fabulous friends that listen to options and new challenges but when it comes down to it, it is just me and a heck of a lot of prayer. And then there are bigger things like what's next? Are there career moves that I should be making? Are there things that I need to do differently with our money? Should Emily/Morgan/Hannah being investing time in different activities? It is all on me... and God.

To think I am capable of raising three little girls by myself is just crazy. The other night I was chatting it up with God and asking Him why would you give me these fantastic little people and then take our leader away? In a very candid way I said, "You have given me extremely talented people to develop. Each one with their own unique sets of talents, strengths and weaknesses. And I am suppose to figure out how to develop their strengths and work with their weaknesses so they don't hold them back? Have you seen what these three are capable of? Emily is pretty close to a genius and I am not. Hello, you took my genius Home and now what I am suppose to do with her? Last night she informs me that the books I have purchased are too easy. Ugh. She is already smarter than me! Hello! And Morgan is the busiest-bee on the planet. I can keep up with her and we can get things done but my patience wears thin and you took my patient man back Home! And the little one, Hannah Jane, she is joyful and tearful in a two second rebound rate and she won't poop on the potty and I am pretty sure she is a genius like Emily but so goofy you can't see it all the time and you took my consistent, calm potty trainer Home!"
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor 12:7 
I kind of figured He would reply with "you are not alone." Gotta Love the Creator of the universe and a being so patient with my crazy conversations. :)

I read the book From One Widow to Another this time last year. It was the closest thing I could find to an instruction manual on how to be a widow. For a time after Craig died I thought I am not taking on this title. Yes, it happened to be but I thought I'm just not gonna do that. I am not taking on that identity. I'll take single mom and then God will hurry up and give me a husband and maybe I'll be a stepmother and I can just skip the whole widow-thing. After much prayer and direction from a dear friend I realized not figuring out who was as a widow wasn't going to bring God any glory. Skipping the title widow wouldn't allow God the opportunity to work through that journey. SOOOOO I dove into From One Widow to Another. The book is very straight forward and there were a lot of aha moments along the way. One concept that is introduced early on is how to combat debilitating fear. Fear that doesn't let you move forward b/c your life looks so different than what you thought it was going to be. The concept of a board of directors helps widows navigate the life change. It took the thought of "it takes a village" one step further for me.

The Widows board of directors:
1. A Godly Widow. This has been a big one for me. I have always been one to feel comfort in numbers. Someone to compare notes with. My theory is yes you might be nuts but at least you have good company. My mom is one of my Godly widows since she lost my dad 11 years ago. Jenny has become a wonderful friend after she lost her husband in Afghanistan on April 4th 2012. And I have a good friend, Jamie who lost his wife, Emily, February 25th, 2012. I follow some blogs for the same reason and even though there is not a group that I can call home with the Internet I have been able to connect with people in similar boats. priceless! 

2. A person with Financial Wisdom. Since Craig was in banking he hand-picked these people for me. Virgina Copley and Betsy at BB&T have been so very patient with me throughout this year as I continue to make my way through the ins and outs households budgets, major purchases and investing in the girls education.

3. A practical friend. This one was easy to identify. GWEN. She is about the most practical person I know and she isn't afraid to tell me when I am being ridiculous. Together we can fit the pieces of any puzzle together and make a plan (some plans are better than others but never the less we can get it together in a 15 minute phone call).

4. An encourager. I have to admit I am a little high maintenance in this area. I needed more than one... actually more like 21... I have several friends that are amazing encourager. One of my favorite quotes from one of them is "You're not crazy, your situation is crazy." Awww... good... thought it was me. :) I'm not listing them out, they are in every corner of my life and I have needed them a lot over the past couple years.

5. A person with spiritual discernment and courage. I found this in my Facing Adversity's Group that I use to attend when Craig was sick. Several members of Southeast have been the voice of the Lord when it was too hard to hear Him. Judy Staten at SECC has been there for some tough conversations. Lord has provided in a major way to keep me on track.

6. A relative whose priority is your well-being. I would hope this would be all my relatives. My family has been an amazing support system of prayers and encouragement.

A couple that I would add being a single mom would be:

7. A great mom friend: When moms ban together to support one another it can be a wonderful thing. When you have a single mom, encouragement is even more important.

8. A great teaching staff: The girls have had very understanding teachers that have supported them through the past year.

9. A handy man and a grass cutter. God has provided some wonderful help around here and I will forever grateful.

10. Prayer warriors. I know that we are a functioning, loving, Christ-centered household b/c of our prayer village. The Lord has put my family on many hearts and they have turned prayers into peace and love so that we are a successful thriving household.

As time goes on the board of directors becomes less and less needed as widows combat fear one success at a time. When emotions ran high, I relied on my board of directors more than I should have but I am grateful for each one that the Lord provided.

So much to update so little time.
Topics floating in my head:
-Follow up from the heaven sermon that Kyle included Craig at his table. Who would be at my table?
-TEAMHOPE
-Strong and Courage by Abby Richardson
-Jonah - the series we are doing now. (LOVE IT!)

My 11th wedding anniversary

Craig and I would have been married 11 years today. My bouquet was the size of a bowling ball made up of gorgeous light pink roses. It was fabulous and very heavy. We were only 23 year old when we got married so it was a huge party. People have many great stories from that night. Each one makes me smile not only bc they are hilarious but they are a reflection of a wonderful celebration. The tradition of shots of wine began that day since we drained three kegs and guest were forced to make do. Sorry. Wonderful memories. I miss Craig today but so grateful for the memories. Happy anniversary, Craig!!

this is my favorite picture from our wedding it sits on the shelf in the living room.

Easter 2013

Easter 2013 pictures.

Dying Easter eggs. Finally on Saturday after Morgan's soccer game.

Hannah's favorite color is Armarro (yellow in Spanish)

sisters and buddies
(don't let their sweet faces fool you, these two can do some damage together)

Sweet little Easter dresses.

The church crew after Saturday night service

Kailyn helping Hannah out on the Saturday night egg hunt

The found eggs, all 101 of them

We had a crazy busy weekend starting on Thursday with back to back commitments in the afternoon. Normal is nuts right now. We went to church with our church crew and had dinner at the Deitz house Saturday night. Sunday Morgan and I woke up in the wee-hours of the morning with the stomach bug and missed out on the Sunday Easter fun which is why there are no pictures of the Sunday morning Easter egg hunt here at the house. Emily and Hannah went on with my mom and brother for the day. It was a much different Easter than last year but I couldn't help to sit in Easter service and praise God for His plan. Although on Good Friday it didn't seem like a great plan at all but He is the ultimate redeemer and b/c of His plan Craig has an incredible Home now. Easter has a new intensity to it. When you have someone so close to you living in the Promise of the Holiday it brings a whole new level of gratefulness to God's Ultimate plan for our lives.

John 11:25-26 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.

One year down

There have been times over the past year where people have said, "just get through the first year." "The first year is the hardest." At the time I thought, we are doing fine, and I am not sure what is going to change at the year mark that would make it so different. It is. I can't explain why. Last Tuesday, March 19th I realized that Craig wasn't coming back. I knew along and where he was and that he wasn't coming back to live with us but there is a new level of this realization. It is hard to explain. Memories of Craig are memories and not life lingering. New normal isn't new now, it is just normal. I'm a single mom and a widow. It is not a matter of I just lost my husband X months ago to cancer, it is simple a status. Apart of this is really sad b/c I rarely visualize Craig in our daily lives any more. Our lives are what they are, we are not in transition and making due, this is our life. I have no idea why the one-year anniversary made this reality, but it did. I have asked fellow widow(er)s if this is what they felt and they said the same thing. There is apart about that is freeing too. We are an awesome family unit (aka: an all girl party, a mini sorority house) that is grounded in God word and trusting His plan. We have figured out new normal for a year. There is a sense of accomplishment. I wrote a blog post titled "progress report" but probably won't ever post it. One night a couple weeks ago I was down about all the limitation that I have being a single mom. I am only one person and my girls deserve better. My friend Liz said that I needed to make a list of all the things in the last year that I have accomplished. I am just as proud of the things that I haven't done as much as the things I have accomplished and checked off the list. It takes a strong person to get through a massive list of things to do but it takes a stronger person to stop and pray and wait for the right answer.

I haven't run off to Vegas to marry the first dude that could kill bugs, take out the garbage and change the light bulbs around here. I'm praying for the fairy tale, I don't want someone just to help out, I want the plan that God intends for us. The past year has taught me He does have a plan, even when He has said no to prayers request I feel blessed b/c I trust His timing and plan is the perfect one.

The funds that people gave us for the girls education fund is still sitting in a savings account at BB&T b/c I wanted to be comfortable with the household money management before locking the funds up until their days at Assumption (or maybe Mercy). I have a meeting Friday to talk about investing those funds.  There is a sense of accomplishment that the house is still standing, the lights are still on, the water is running and the girls Easter dresses are adorable and it is all paid for (electronically b/c it is easier). :) yeah me. (little background: before Craig died I hadn't paid a bill in 10 years. The last time I paid a bill I wrote an actual check for them like they did in biblical times (sarcasm.sorry), he took care of all the money stuff).
These decisions take a lot of time and prayer and that won't change. God has been there every step of the way.

Anyway. This year was a year of growth and healing and now we land in normal. Time seems to speed up too. When you are walking through an intense situation whether it is cancer or grief or whatever time seems to slow down. You cram so many thoughts in one day that you think there is no way that X event happen just yesterday. Time seems to be back to normal. It feel like we have walked through the fire and we are on the other side.

Overall we are doing really well a week into year number two without Craig (minus the stoamch bug that Hannah picked up somewhere along the way. yuck).

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, love you and we will see you again.

Nolan

I went to meet Craig's namesake, Nolan Craig Phillip Graff, last night. I couldn't give him up. I think some relatives waiting to hold him wanted to throw me out the second story window (Sorry). He is such a wonderful reminder of new life. What an absolute gift. Tears most (all) the way home. God's timing is so wonderful. Nolan is so very special.

Remembering Craig today: One year without him

It was a day of ups and downs. Remembering Craig and who he was makes me want him back so very badly but remembering how sick he was I am relieved that he is healed, cancer-free and Home. I was trying to upload a video of him and Hannah in July 2010 but couldn't get it posted. His legacy is his girls. Although he died on cancer, it wasn't who he was. He should be forever remembered as a loving husband, incredible provider, kind friend, a wonderful (!!!!!) daddy, and a faithful follower of Jesus.  

Today God showed His amazing timing. Jenny and Eric Graff welcomed their new baby boy, Nolan Craig Phillip Graff into the world. Although today could have been filled with tears of missing Craig, it was full of text updates on when this gift was to arrive. God made sure that we focused on life and not death today and little man Nolan will hold a special place in my heart.

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, we love you, we miss you and we will see you again. Love you.

Heaven lunch with friends



We had a few close friends join us at church and lunch today to remember Craig. Hannah was excited this morning because she thought it was some one's birthday. So we just called it daddy's heaven lunch, it sounded more uplifting than memorial luncheon. We watched the video that was at Craig's visitation and ate Qdoba (of course). Emily got upset watching the video but rejoined the group for cupcakes. Morgan waited until bedtime for the tears. We miss him. We are fine and hopeful for the future but just miss him.

PS Jenny Graff (on the end of the couch is due any day now. I predicted that baby boy Graff will come tomorrow on the 18th.... Jenny's water broke after leaving here today.... We can't wait to invite a new little one to this world on a day that could be all tears. This baby will be a reminder that God is good, His timing is perfect and precious life goes on. Eric was Craig's best friend since kindergarten. This baby will always hold a special place in our hearts forever. Go Jenny Go!!

Ecclesiastes 3

Time for Everything

 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. ¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

 

 

 

This is one of my favorite scriptures. Craig and I used it in our wedding and I used it for Craig funeral. I have more peace today than I have for the past three days. The dark days seem to come in 3s. On the third day I surrender the pain to the Lord and He brings peace beyond understanding. He is the foundation for my family and for that reason we will be okay. It will not be anything of this world. It will be His redemption plan not mine. I looked over this blog last night and the hard days seen to land here. We have had an amazing year of growth, healing and a lot of joy. We have depended on the Lord for those things. Each time I have thought "I've got this" the situation turns rotten and makes me look to Him for peace and hope. He has brought an amazing amount of love and joy to this home. We work through the rough days but there are more days filled with love and joy rather than tears and grief. Anniversaries are made to remember. I remember Craig final days and they were horrible. Some might think that I am nuts but I am looking forward to Monday. I am looking forward to celebrating where Craig lives now. I am thankful for the love that we shared and excited about the healing that we have received this year from the Lord. I am hopeful for the future.

Upcoming post: progress report.

PS on March 19th I am not apoligizing any more for where I am in my grief journey. If I am done with grief then I am done with grief. It has nothing to do with not loving Craig enough, it means I am done. When I revisit it I will revisit it. I am throwing the book out. I have grieved Plan A for 2 years and 5 months. Plan A was over October 4, 2010 when Craig was diagnosed. Everyone does life differently and I am done trying to fit this invisable mold. When I am okay I need to be thankful for being okay and when I am not I need to work through it. The year mark gives new freedom to our journey and I am taking it and running with it. Someone once said "The should's" in life are what get us in trouble. I am offically OVER "the should's" of grief this coming Monday.  

Craig, I'm glad to be able celebrate that you have received the gift of eternal life. I wish there were more years here with us but those are merely second compared to how long we get to live in the House of the Lord together. I love you and will see you again.

The Power of Prayer

I let a couple of prayers warriors know that I have had trouble sleeping the past couple nights. I have had very vivid flashbacks about how Craig looked, his last dinners with us, the way he walked (and couldn't) etc. (you don't want me to go into any more detail than that). For the past year I have not had trouble sleeping. The girls wear me down and when I hit that pillow at 11p it rarely takes long to fall asleep but this week has been brutal. Last night I laid down at 10:30 and fell asleep and didn't wake up until Hannah needed me at 1:30a and then I went back to sleep. To sleep through the night has no explanation other than the POWER of Prayer. This time last year I would have been up with Craig throughout the night and those details have been flooding my head but not last night.

God is Good and my prayer village is amazing.

Just get me to Easter. Goodness this sucks. Keep praying for my family. This is really hard.

James 4:10 Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up. 

Discounted

Written friday: Last night I went to the grief group at SE. I was working through somethings in my heart about this plan that God has for my family. When I hit a bump in the road it throws me back into the mess of "Why?" I had a simple suburb life and when I hit a bump that complicates things the frenzy starts with questions of "Why couldn't I just live the life I had planned?" I struggled with pride a lot. For a time there I felt very discounted. Jeremiah 29:11 says For I know the Plans I have for you to prosper you and not harm you. This has brought comfort but sometimes I have fought with God and asked WHAT WAS SO WRONG WITH MY PLAN THAT WE HAVE TO DO THIS ONE!? My plan was to be married to Craig, to work through our differences, raise our girls, and live the American dream. What was so wrong with Plan A? Never-the-less, I trust His plan. But there has been many conversations with The Lord letting Him know I wasn't digging this Plan B very much. I trust ya Lord but this Plan B just doesn't seem like a very good one right now, I'm willing to ride it out with you but really this one I'm not so sure about it all.

People with great intention sometimes say stuff like, it was God's plan for Craig to die at age 34 and we have to just accept it. Recently I have heard discussion on this topic on WAY-FM especially when talking about the loss of a young child. I don't think that God wants our lives to be cut short we simply live in a fallen world. It is His will that we have the gift of eternal life and whenever our bodies give out then we have a Home to go to. I do think that He builds our bodies strong but they are in fact earthly bodies and have earthly limitations. Do I think that He could have reached down and cleared up Craig's pancreas and liver in a magic wand like fashion? Yes. Why didn't He? I don't flippin' know but to continue to ask those questions will make ya a crazy person and scriptures constantly has the theme, "Do not worry, God's got this." so I am going with that (most of the time anyway).

I am healing and growing through this year. The frenzies are much shorter in length and much less intense as each hurdle comes. I give all the Glory to God for that. Healing without Him is not healing. It is simply move forward. We are doing more than just moving forward. There are days that it is just simply breathing and getting through but with God leading some days we are doing more than that.

http://www.chicagolandwidowed.org/blog/what-i-would-tell-my-newly-widowed-self-monday-january-14-2013
This is great blog post. Here are my additional thoughts on each of the topics.
Your body will feel every inch of your grief so be kind to it.
I have to pat myself on the back for this one. Although around the holidays I was eating comfy food and gained 6 pounds (yuck) overall I have not succumbed to the temptation of overeating or drinking. I think this in large part to the Facing Adversity group that I went to while Craig was sick. I heard story after story of numbing the pain of disappointment with alcohol, drugs or food and then when enough was enough that they were still left with pain and the mess the habit left them. Since the end of January I have added more exercise in the mix and that has been a fabulous help reaching the daily goal of sanity. I have said many times to close friends in my sarcastic way that there should be an award for single parents that aren't alcoholics. Your kids are doing well, and might look like a train-wreck sometimes but you make the good decision not to drink yourself to a comfy place. Here is your certificate of achievement, see ya next year. :) Kidding...kinda.  

Your loss will transform your relationships. and You are not alone…not by any stretch of the imagination.
This has been a tough one to deal with for me. Although I value the new relationships that I have made I miss being a couple so badly. One blog post I never published talked about missing being Craig-n-Michelle. You know the list of people that you go through when you talk about who you are meeting us with this weekend... Gwen-n-Scott, Kristen-n-Brent, Josh-n-Kelly, Jason-n-Christy...I miss being Craig-n-Michelle. But one day I will be a someone-n-Michelle...just not today b/c Ive got some more healing to do.  I do love the new relationships that have developed in this crappy widow club. Crappy reason. Great people.
(future blog post: Who will be at my dinner table in heaven?)

You will actually feel like getting out of bed one day and be happy that the sun is shining and the birds are singing.  I promise.  I promise.  I really do promise.  and You will live with your grief forever but grief will not be your life forever. With the girls I don't have the option to lay in bed and cry. Em and Mor have to be on the bus at 7:15 so when the alarm goes off at 6:00a there isn't an option to roll back over. If I stayed in bed all day then I don't think that would make Craig's legacy live on. He put this family in a wonderful spot before He left. There are times that I have wished for the time to just cry but that is a double edge sword too. I have spend some evening in tears but those are healing tears and each morning is a new day. Some days are easier than others but each day bring healing and closer to the next step for my family.

So this is a long post. I have a lot swirling in my head these days and this is just the tip of the iceberg so thanks for letting type through about a .00000001 of what is on my heart.

Craig, Are you meeting new people there? I know you wanted to hang with your dad and Calvin for a while but what else is going on? There is a bunch of stuff here and then really in the grand scheme of things, not really a whole lot. Anyway, miss you, love you and will see you again.

anticipation

The anticipation of March 18th has been weighing on me. It seems there is a certain expectation on this day to fall apart. I have taken the day off work just in case I cannot see my computer monitor through the tears. Remembering where we were this time last year is harder than thinking about how Craig was healed on March 18th at 1:10 in the afternoon. Looking back at the Merimee Journey blog and thinking about life at the end of February and the beginning of March brought tears to my eyes. The pain that Craig experienced I don't miss witnessing. The anxiety of when his death would occur and was I doing everything the "right" way, I do not miss. The constant iphone alarm every 2 hour to take pain meds so that he would simply sleep more and be more confused than 2 hours prior, I don't miss. I don't think that I will fall apart on March 18th. I think I will feel a level of relief that I did when he took his last breath. I hope to take the day to remember that he is cancer-free and in paradise. I hope to be relieved that the 1st year is behind us and hopefully the expectations of how to do this grief thing "right" will ease up a bit.

Before this journey I would have defined grief as missing someone a lot. There is a lot more to it than just occasionally thinking, Hmmmm wish they were here. I have said it before, it changes every aspect of life. From laundry to relationships. From dinner to dreams. The list goes on and on and you can't image in it until you experience it. We are committed to work through each of those things one day at a time God's way but for now I can honestly say I am just exhausted. In February I just needed a break from certain distractions. I just wanted to focus on healing and getting through the anniversary as a whole person rather than pieces. I got off track for a couple weeks and rode an emotional roller coaster. I regret letting a situation get me off track to personal peace when I knew I needed to head that way. Now more than ever I am committed to simplifying some areas of life and getting through March as a whole person rather broken.

This time last year when Craig was so sick I remember yearning for the light at the end of the tunnel for him and our family. I remember going through the study of the old testament at church and thinking we were studying such dry and hard topics. I yearned for the light of the New Testament and the Hope that Jesus brought. Here I am a year later and remember what we endured last year at this time, sitting in a time of grief now and still yearning for the Hope of Easter once again. Although I am not the same person that I was a year ago and the journey ahead has almost a year on the books the Hope of Jesus is still what I crave. I know that in His time He will redeem my family. I know some day I will see Craig again. For the month of March I have to make a commitment to being still so that I can feel His peace and eventually find His Hope.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven miss you more than ever when things get hard. You were a comfy spot that knew me better than anyone. I could count on you. I love you and I will see you again.