One year down

There have been times over the past year where people have said, "just get through the first year." "The first year is the hardest." At the time I thought, we are doing fine, and I am not sure what is going to change at the year mark that would make it so different. It is. I can't explain why. Last Tuesday, March 19th I realized that Craig wasn't coming back. I knew along and where he was and that he wasn't coming back to live with us but there is a new level of this realization. It is hard to explain. Memories of Craig are memories and not life lingering. New normal isn't new now, it is just normal. I'm a single mom and a widow. It is not a matter of I just lost my husband X months ago to cancer, it is simple a status. Apart of this is really sad b/c I rarely visualize Craig in our daily lives any more. Our lives are what they are, we are not in transition and making due, this is our life. I have no idea why the one-year anniversary made this reality, but it did. I have asked fellow widow(er)s if this is what they felt and they said the same thing. There is apart about that is freeing too. We are an awesome family unit (aka: an all girl party, a mini sorority house) that is grounded in God word and trusting His plan. We have figured out new normal for a year. There is a sense of accomplishment. I wrote a blog post titled "progress report" but probably won't ever post it. One night a couple weeks ago I was down about all the limitation that I have being a single mom. I am only one person and my girls deserve better. My friend Liz said that I needed to make a list of all the things in the last year that I have accomplished. I am just as proud of the things that I haven't done as much as the things I have accomplished and checked off the list. It takes a strong person to get through a massive list of things to do but it takes a stronger person to stop and pray and wait for the right answer.

I haven't run off to Vegas to marry the first dude that could kill bugs, take out the garbage and change the light bulbs around here. I'm praying for the fairy tale, I don't want someone just to help out, I want the plan that God intends for us. The past year has taught me He does have a plan, even when He has said no to prayers request I feel blessed b/c I trust His timing and plan is the perfect one.

The funds that people gave us for the girls education fund is still sitting in a savings account at BB&T b/c I wanted to be comfortable with the household money management before locking the funds up until their days at Assumption (or maybe Mercy). I have a meeting Friday to talk about investing those funds.  There is a sense of accomplishment that the house is still standing, the lights are still on, the water is running and the girls Easter dresses are adorable and it is all paid for (electronically b/c it is easier). :) yeah me. (little background: before Craig died I hadn't paid a bill in 10 years. The last time I paid a bill I wrote an actual check for them like they did in biblical times (sarcasm.sorry), he took care of all the money stuff).
These decisions take a lot of time and prayer and that won't change. God has been there every step of the way.

Anyway. This year was a year of growth and healing and now we land in normal. Time seems to speed up too. When you are walking through an intense situation whether it is cancer or grief or whatever time seems to slow down. You cram so many thoughts in one day that you think there is no way that X event happen just yesterday. Time seems to be back to normal. It feel like we have walked through the fire and we are on the other side.

Overall we are doing really well a week into year number two without Craig (minus the stoamch bug that Hannah picked up somewhere along the way. yuck).

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, love you and we will see you again.