Praying for snow

We are keeping busy with this low-key Christmas which helps heal and truly remember the reason for the season. Today we have baked and crafted and in a bit we are going to visit with Craig's family and exchange gifts. We are doing things a little different this year and keeping things really simple.

I took a walk early this afternoon and cranked up the itunes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcWO3obUhWM as I walked up to Craig's graveside and I listened to "The Reason for the World" which we had in his funeral service. As I walked away and moved throughout the path of the cemetery I listened to "Jesus Paid it All" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7QQGPv1Ikc. We have to remember Easter to understand how important Christmas is. I have been praying for snow for a couple weeks now. There is nothing like the peacefulness of a fresh snowfall. There is a stillness that only the Lord provides. My soul could really use that scene out my french doors. Something like this... well I don't have a lake (yet!!) but you know what I mean.

Be still and know that I am God...Psalm 46

continuing...
Tonight we exchanged gifts with Craig family but didn't stay for dinner as we normally do. I couldn't sit at the table without Craig there this year. We had a blast opening gifts but it was just too much to do dinner this year. Maybe next year.

There are moments where this has unbearable but I have to believe that God has a plan. I trust His plan. Aunt Janie and I talked in the driveway a little bit tonight as we were leaving to go to a friends house for dinner. She reminded me to to be thankful for the time that I had with Craig. Craig and I were engaged on Christmas 2000 and even if someone told me how our marriage would have ended in the way that it did after only 10 years I still would have married him. I would have done it all over again b/c he made me a better person for knowing him and being married to him. He was one of the biggest blessing of my lifetime and even if I knew the ending to our story I still would have done it again and again.

So I am sitting waiting for little ladies to doze off so that I can let Santa in the front door since we don't have a chimney. We are starting a new tradition this year and we are reading the Christmas story before we open gifts. It is important that we remember why we are celebrating before we tearing into piles of wrapping paper. Today was hard but we are making through because we feel God's peace and love. We are healing with each tear and we are hopeful for the future. We are thankful for the friends and family that continue to pray for us and support us through this journey. And we are Joyful about the reason for the season.

If you didn't get a Christmas card from us here it is.

If I hadn't already send the nice card out this would have been our Christmas card and it would have said, "We have had an a$$ of a year but we are still celebrating." And yes she is completely naked... b/c... well that's our Hannah. You just have to laugh at her. Plus she is so darn cute... both ends of her.

Merry CHRISTmas from the Merimee girls!! 

Perpective

If you haven't gotten some perspective on how fragile life is with the recent event in Newtown CT you must not be paying attention. I didn't watch the news reports after the shooting but I did want to pay my respects to the victims and their families so I looked at their pictures online. I don't understand the grief of losing a child but I understand loss. I pray the family's homes are filled with the Peace and Hope that knowing the Lord can bring.

I have been keeping very busy the last week. Busy is very good right now. The girls are SOOOOO very excited for Christmas. They are going to be thrilled with some of the gifts under the tree. I am so excited to see their faces when they open certain gifts. I have been so very down about this Christmas and not having Craig here. I am not just sad about this Christmas but the fact that I have about 50 more without him before we celebrate together again. I am trying to stay in the moment but it is so very overwhelming to anticipate the future. I worked on Emily's Christmas party at school since I am one of the room moms. I picked out a book and had a craft go along with it. I picked the Legend of the Candy Cane so we could get the true meaning of Christmas integrated in the party. I was down that morning but kept praying for strength so that I could entertain 24 busy little 1st graders. As I pulled out of the neighbor heading to school I peaked over at the cemetery Craig is buried in. There was a funeral on the little hill where the babies are buried. The tiny rack was waiting for the miniature casket to by placed on it and the tent was set up for the family to arrive soon. I prayed in the parking lot before going into the party. As I signed in the school office staff let me know that they were having a lock-down drill 10:15 in the middle of the "Holiday" party. Mr. Morris came over the intercom and informed the building to begin the lock-down drill. The children filed under the corner desk away from the door and Ms. B covered the window on the door. You could hear a pin drop throughout the halls and there was a sobering feeling knowing that some of the classrooms in CT would have heard gunfire throughout their halls just three days prior. The kids weren't rattled at all but the moms that were there to help with the party were. Most commented afterwards they prayed through the whole drill or they would have cried for the full 15 minutes. Life is fragile. I am so incredibly grateful for the family that I have. We mourn the loss of Craig this Christmas and there will be tears but there is so much to be joyful about. My girls are thrilled about the Christmas. They know the true meaning of the holiday and they value the family unit that we have. I loved my girls when we were a family of five but I feel so much more close to them now that I realize how fragile life is. I adore them. They are amazing little people and I am so grateful for the family of four that I have.

The true meaning of Christmas is the birth of Christ. That gives us Hope and Peace in all circumstances. So many of the Christmas special try to say that the meaning of Christmas is spending time with family and friends. While their intentions of trying to get away from the commercialism is at step in the right direction it still falls short of the magnitude of the truth. Although we will miss Craig this Christmas it doesn't take away from the fact that God gave His only Son to us to save us. Even know I will miss Craig for the next 50+ Christmases the fact that at some point I will celebrate with him again and for the following 50,000,000,000+ years brings me great joy. That is the reason that God sent Jesus and that can definitely be celebrated! I am committed to work through the grief of missing my beloved husband and friend but my faith tells me to cherish those who I have with me to celebrate now and focus on the true meaning of Christmas.

Craig, I miss you, the changes in our life are so hard but we are doing well as a "all-girl party"...until we see you again (which btw I was a little disappointed the Mayans were wrong). I can't tell you Merry Christmas or I will break down in tears and Hannah is sitting next to me watching the Grinch for the third time today...love you.

Being a mama: Emily's 7th Birthday & thoughts of Decemeber

Writen last week: (perpective from this week - coming soon)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVbfcxgMkA4&feature=youtu.be

I saw this video on WAY-FM facebook page after hearing about it on the radio early that day. I love this song but even more now that I have seen this video. It is a great illustration of what every Christain mama does each day. We try to sing the praises of the Lord, while tending to our children, working hard at our jobs, and maintain the relationships that means so much... and well we hope to look good while doing it. :) I think this is a perfect picture of a mama doing just that. Love it.

On December 13th 2005 Emily Michelle Merimee entered my world and made me that mama. She was a delight from the beginning. Her birthday reminds me that she is such a gift. She is an amazing leader and she makes me want to continue to be a better mom. She is so intelligent, and talented. This last week and weekend we celebrated her 7th birthday. We had dinner and cake with the Grandmas on Thursday and then on Friday we had two fabulous friend spend the night. (pictures to come) She is growing into a fabulous little lady and she makes me want to be a better person in the same way that her Daddy did.

December has been tough. We have been really busy with all the girls activities and Christmas coming up soon. Busy is good but the times that I have time to sit and think I am crushed that Craig is no longer here. Last year we tried to make Christmas as normal as possible. We stayed in the moment and that was the right thing to do but that leaves this year with a lot to think through. This time last year Craig had decided to discontinue treatment but he was feeling good. Things were relatively normal besides the occasional nap and the fact that neither one of were working. We still got to shop together and eat out sometimes. Hang with the girls and watch movies. Although the gradual decline was there we were still enjoying life.

This month I have struggled with the fact that I thought I was ready to let Craig go back in March. I wanted him here but not in the condition he had to live. I knew that he would have a better life in heaven but there are times I that I miss him so very badly that I can't fathom why I thought that. With the holidays upon on us I feel like I am back at square one in the grief process. With time I have forgotten how very sick he was and just remember him and that I miss. I struggle with keeping my concentration for long periods of time. It is really frustrating. To be able to do something that you could do in your sleep but not be able to concentrate long enough to get it done is maddening. There are so many things that are frustrating right now and I am doing my best to stay in His word and cling to Him but it is tiring. I know that all these emotions are things that I have to work through and it will take time. I hate to wish my life away but if we could fast forward through the first Christmas without Craig, the first New Year without Craig and even his 35th birthday I wouldn't mind it. I know that is not how it can be done. I hope to be able to cling to the Lord and walk through the fire and maybe even find joy in the days by focusing on the true meaning. I know that if I do this then I hope to help someone in the future that is going through a time of grief during the holidays.

The Empty Chair and Mary's Song

The meltdown days after Thanksgiving were bad. I didn't feel good about where I was and I had feelings of hopelessness and anger. Anger towards God and Craig. We finished studying The Story two weeks ago with a review of the book of Revelation. I was brought to tears during the sermon for several reasons. I was overwhelmed with gratefulness for the Home that God provided Craig but so jealous he gets to be there. If you have never lost a loved one you might not understand this. You might even think that it is suicidal to think about being with Craig right now. I can tell you, I am not that depressed. I love my life with the girls (most of the time) and wouldn't want that to end short of God's timing but there are times that I want to be in the same room with Craig and if that means heading Home then so be it. It is not a "I want to die" thought it is simply wanting to be where he is. (Just a hint if you want to be there and support someone that is grieving don't look at them like they have nine heads, when they say stuff like that, ask questions so you understand what they are saying). So I was mad that I was left here to figure things out and he is hanging out in paradise with JC. Cue 2-year-old temper tantrum: NOT FAIR!!!!! I met Craig when I was 18 so we have figured out a lot of things in life together. We did business school together, bought (and sold) two houses, bought and traded six cars, made three kids, juggled home and careers, grew in faith, loved friends, threw parties... etc etc. So the fact that I am essentially figuring out life by myself and he is hanging out without a care of the world, ticks me off at times!! There are struggles that he never has to think about. We decided everything TOGETHER and now it just me. Sometimes I think too much but I have to, my girls are too good for mom to be nuts and just do whatever makes her happy for 5 minutes. Lately I probably have been thinking too much and praying too little.

When I walked into church service last week I was thinking there has to be a way to turn this around. There has to be a way to still have a peaceful and joyful Christmas even with the great loss that we are experiencing. I knew after Thanksgiving I had to get more of a focus on the Hope of Christ rather than who was not going to be there. It is really really really hard to work through this stuff. Last year's Christmas I wouldn't even let my mind plan for this Christmas. I remember putting away the ornaments with our wedding date on them last year and thinking "will I put these up next year?" "what do I do with them?" And then just shutting off those questions off and thinking, I will cross that bridge when I came to it. This year I put all the ornaments on the tree from our vacations and even the one from our honeymoon. But the ones that say "Our First Christmas 2002" or "We said I Do in 2002" remained in the storage container. The memories of our family still live on but my marriage is over. Emily asked why I didn't want those ornaments on the tree and I simple said they are wedding ornaments and I am not married any more. She was fine with that answer. There weren't tears, just that was that. There wasn't much talk or preparation about this year's Christmas last year. We were staying in the moment and keeping things as normal as possible. This year leaves me with a blank slate on what to do. I could easily cry my way through the season and remain distraught but I want to make the effort to draw closer to the Lord. Clinging to Him was what got us through the cancer-journey successfully. The grief journey is so very different. The biggest difference to me is not having Craig here. There were times that him and I would talk about doctors appointments and how certain news made us feel. It was good to have that person that was there and could talk through some things. But that is not the case with this. I have friends that will listen but it is not the same. I have made friends going through similar losses and that helps out SOOOO much but it is still not the same as a partner in life going through a journey together. Generally the grief journey is much less intense than the cancer-journey was. In a way you would think that would be easier but the intensity of the situation made me cling to Christ each day and that make that relationship so much stronger. But with the grief journey and creating new normal the intensity is not there so I have to intentionally pray to Him. My goal for this Christmas season is to be more prayerful, focus more on the birthday of Christ.

Kyle sermon this past week was a great start to this. The topic was Mary. Who she was, what she was like etc. Some churches put too much into her, stating that she is the queen of heaven but her humble spirit is what brought her favor from God so to say that she the queen doesn't fit into why God choose her. From an earthly perspective she was powerless, young, uneducated, and engaged to a nobody. But from God's perspective since she had a humble spirit she was a perfect fit for the role. Humility opens the door to God's favor. This Christmas season I can not have prideful thinking: "I can get through this." "I can make due" etc etc. Those thoughts will shut the door on God's favor. This Christmas season I need to surrender the holiday over to the Lord and His peace will be present. There will be tears but there were tears during the cancer-journey and there was a lot of His Hope and His Joy during that journey. I have failed to stay in the spirit of surrender and it has felt really rotten. I have been very selfish and it doesn't feel good and it is a slippery slope in this world. The things that made us successful in cancerland was clinging to Him and praying for others. I have not been doing that so it is time to switch gears and focus on the birth of Christ and what that means. He wants more for us than to just make due and my girls deserve better than that. He gave the gift of His son so we have plenty to celebrate.
James 4:10 "Humble Yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up."

http://www.southeastchristian.org/?page=4754

I started a new book last night called "The Empty Chair." I read the first chapter and it is really good. I thought it would be tips on how to survive the season without a loved one, and it is, but really the goal is to be able to feel God's Love and peace even with loss. It reminds me of one of my favorites that got me through some tough times in cancerland, "Living With Thorns". It is not a "it's going to be okay" blow-sunshine book. It is more like, this is hard but God is good. Love it. Our hope is in the Lord. I have said it on other post that I was in a place of "now what." I have struggled with knowing where Home is but it seems so far off. So many bible verses talk about when we get Home and there are times when I want to scream "BUT WHAT ABOUT NOW!". My hope (I am getting excited about the possibility) for this Christmas season is that I have the courage and strength to surrender to Him so that I can in turn feel His Peace and Joy. My hope is for tears of love b/c I miss Craig but not out of hopelessness for our future without him. I know that a lot of you still pray for the Merimee girls. Please don't pray for us to just survive the Christmas season this year but please pray for strength to be humble enough to accept His gift and I can lead the girls to do the same in their own way. Just surviving is not what God wants for us. He wants us to grow in faith and sometimes that means tears and it always means clinging to Him. We still have a lot to celebrate this year. Craig's legacy is one of gratefulness in all circumstances and we have that to celebrate as well as the birth of Jesus.

Those who Hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

The Elf on the Shelf

So yesterday I made it until 4:00 without crying. I felt like I had made a turn. Things were still on my mind but I could think through them without sobbing. That was until Hannah and I sat down to read a book. Our Elf on the Shelf, Joshua, was a bit late this year getting to the Merimee household since we were in Chicago. He arrived Monday. We hadn't read his story yet but we planned to. Yesterday afternoon Hannah was having a 2-year old meltdown, one were every question the answer is no, including if I give you a $100 will you stop crying? "No." I still haven't a clue what the breakdown was about but as she stood there in a purple sparkle flapper dress-up dress and Mermaid high heels with snot and tears running from her face we decided to sit on the floor to read. I grabbed our Elf on the Shelf book and found Craig's note tucked in the front page. And then I had tears (and snot) running from my face. Two Merimee girls sitting on the floor melting down...

Craig didn't tell me that he left that note and I can visualize him thinking about whether he should leave it or not. I remember him putting Joshua away on Christmas Eve last year. I imagine him writing the note and wanting to say much more but couldn't. Then I can image he stuck it in the book and then took it out trying to think about whether it would cause more pain than joy. I am actually surprised that he didn't say anything to me but I know Craig and I know that he thought and thought about this note before putting it away for the year. It is a perfect example of who he was. A man of few words but the words he spoke were well thought out and meaningful. He taught me so much. I am sure that after he put Joshua and his book safely in the box and stored away he sat down and had a good cry. He knew that he would miss Christmas with us this year and all he could do was stuff a note in a book that he knew we would read over and over throughout the Christmas season.

I told Em and Morgan about the note last night but with choir we didn't have time to sit down and read it and the book. They look forward to it tonight.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, DUDE! you're killing me! I'm trying to get through a day without crying! Cut it out! Miss you. Love you.

hitting the pause button

I read my last blog post about the intensity of the situation waining: Ha. not so much now that that the holiday season is upon us.

We went to Chicago for Thanksgiving. My brother lives there. It was on purpose that we were planning on doing something different this year. It would take away from the intensity that there was someone missing at the dinner table. It worked, although Craig was missed in so many other ways this past weekend but it was good to be away. I can't tell you how much I miss someone loving my kids in the way that I do. We have an awesome support system and people love my kids but the love between a parent and child is like no other. The fact that they only get that daily from one parent is devastating to me right now. No one gets a child like a parent does. God designed a family with a mom and a dad for a reason. Although I trust God's plan I can't help but to question it when it comes to the girls. I hate to be negative Nelly but regardless how many friends I have that love my girls, I am a single mom and they only have one parent on earth to love and care for them. I know the legacy that Craig left behind is a great one and they are blessed to have a dad like him but I still have to grieve the loss of my family of 5. I have hope we will be a family of 5+ depending on what God has in store for us in the future but the simple fact that we are not the Merimee Family as originally intented deserves a long pause for some grieving time.

It is hard to write on this blog. It is not like the Merimee Journey. That situation we were getting through a struggle, this phase of the journey we are trying to figure out how to live with loss and process past memories. Writing here is different. I can't descibe it very well but it the reason this blog isnt updated as much as the last one. There were events in the cancer journey that sparked feelings that need to be expressed. Same with this one but they are not scans or last times... it is first times and how can we continue to move forward. I dont want it to be repetitve. I guess I need to write for me and for God rather than an audience of blog followers though. hmmm... I have thought about this a lot before the Thanksgiving break... maybe more to come...

Emily and Morgan went to Chicago with Craig in early fall 2011. I was supposed to go but I just needed a weekend at home, I was struggling so they went ahead without me and Hannah. When we arrived in Chicago this past weekend memories of that trip flooded back for Emily and Morgan. They talked about where Daddy slept in Brad's apartment, what they saw, what bus and train they road on around the city that weekend. They have so many great memories of that trip. I so happy for them and heartbroken at the same time. This weekend we went to the Science and Industry Museum on Friday morning. The Christmas exhibit was the history of Snoopy. This center of the museums was all Snoopy stuff. Craig loved the peanuts. Most cards he bough people were Snoopy. Early in our marriage I enstated a no-Snoopy card policy for my cards. :) We have several Snoopy ornaments on our Christmas tree. Craig's lovey was a snoopy stuffed animal when he was a baby. It was hard walking through the museum, he would have loved it. I hate that he missed it.

As we road on the bus to the parade Thursday morning, Emily was talking about one of her memories from the trip with Craig in 2011.  I was missing him so badly at the moment. A man stepped on the bus. He was an older man maybe in his 70s. He was so thin, I could see the bones in the back of his skull and his eye were sunk in. He was healthy enough to get on and off the bus and walk through the streets of Chicago but how thin and fragile he looked reminded me how very sick and fragile Craig was. The last weeks of his life I could see every bone in his body through yellowish fragile skin. I am still so thankful that he is healed from cancer and he is happy and at Home but at this point for me I am in a place of "now what". What do we those memories, (the good and the bad)? What am I supposed to next? I thought I had some of it figured out but the holidays have reminded me of what has been lost and I am once again taken back by how much has changed in two years time.

At times I feel stupid. I stayed very day to day and I think a lot of people were way ahead of me thinking about our future without Craig. I am sure that there are people out that thought "what is she going to do when..." and I my response would be I will cross that bridge when we get there. I really wanted to just put one foot in front of the other and we are doing pretty good at that. We pause and grieve when we need to but keep moving forward. I don't want to get to the point where I am just so bitter about life going on so it does take me some time to really think about the past and what the future holds. My day to day thinking was really based on scripture.

Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I know that my future is in God's hands and I need to just concentrate on today. I am sure to some people I looked and sounded ridiculous when I said we were doing good. We are doing good, except when we are not. The "not" times usually end up on this blog. It is great way to think through some of these things that get stuck in my head at times. And right now I am stuck and not sure what is the next step to keep moving. I had plans to go to the Dave Matthews Band concert next week and it sounds like torture right now. I want to make fun plans and keep moving in the right direction but right now I am at a stopping point. The holidays remind me of what we have lost and to try to have fun through that doesn't seem feasible. Ugh, I am so ticked off at that DARN pancreas.

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, I hope you are having a good time b/c quite frankly I am pretty ticked off at your pancreas.

just an update

I have been slacking a little bit on Thankful Thursdays b/c I am doing thankful days on Facebook this month. I could list all those things here but I figure I would give you an update of what has been going on around here.

Things have been normal here. We seem to be figuring out the new normal without Craig day by day. Every day we miss him but the intensity of the situations seems to have settled down a bit lately. We ran on high emotions for so long it feels very strange to just be settled into new normal. At times I think maybe I am getting depressed but I think it is really just the difference in the intensity of the past vs. now. Although we have daily struggles we are working through those.

I can say for a fact that raising three girls is not a job for one person. I am struggling with the schedules and after school activities and only Emily and Morgan have them. The thought of Hannah having hobbies in the future makes me crazy. After the holidays we are getting down to one activity each. This week has put me over the edge. Mondays Morgan has soccer, Tuesdays Emily has dance, Wednesdays Emily has choir, today they were doing art therapy, tomorrow we are going to Light up the Summit (more on that later), Saturday Emily has Edge (which is extra projects on top of what they do at school), Saturday evening Emily has choir performances and Sunday she has more choir. So after this week we should be getting back into easier times. Choir has been a bit intense this week. I think the performance should be fun but I am wondering if Emily will do it again next year... we will see. Lesson learned: ease up on the after school stuff, quality time with them is more important.

Tuesday morning I went to donuts with dad at Kenwood (Emily and Morgan's school). I gave them a choice to take Scott, Brent, me or just skip it. They said they wanted me to go. I was the only mom there that day. As I drove passed Craig's plot (you can't get into my neighborhood without driving past the cemetery that Craig's body rest in) I cried. It isn't fair that he didn't get to go to donuts with dad with our girls. It is just not fair!! It is not a major event in their lives but it is still one that he should have gone to. They didn't say anything and it didn't seem to bother them. It didn't bother me too much there other than I was the only chick in the gym eating donuts but it really caught me when I pulled passed the cemetery on the way home. He got to go with Emily last year and I remember sitting on the couch later that night and he worried about who would go to things like that with them. He didn't want them to miss out and he didn't want them to be singled out and feel awkward not being able to go. I told him then that we would just take one event at a time and deal with them as they come along. I then made a joke that I wont repeat on here but we laughed together and I think he felt comfortable knowing that I was going to be able to tackle each situation as they come. So we are. I don't know some days we do it well some days not to much but we are doing it one day at a time.

Donuts with Dad 2012 (what a goofy picture but whatever)

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, we miss you, we love you and we will see you again.

UK game 2012: 10/20/12

 

The Shelton Family and us at lunch.

 

Me and the girls loving the CATS (even though they are terrible)

 

Future Delta Gammas at the DG house at UK

Emily and Morgan love hanging with Brian, Bruce and Brad at the game.

Tailgating with my girls. Hannah will get to go next year.

So I am way late with this picture update but nonetheless. We finished up art therapy that morning and went out to lunch with some dear friends that we met at Norton Hospital. The Shelton's appointment was always at 11:00 am while Emily and Morgan was at 10:00. So they came early to and we stayed late to hang with them. The Shelton's lost their dad about two months ago to brain cancer. We have a lot of unfortunate things in common but a wonderful friendship has blossomed over time and we are thankful to have them in our lives.

 

After we finished up at lunch we headed to Lexington to tailgate with the family as we have done for many years. I thought that being on campus would be hard but if you can remember it wasn't the first time I had to go to the annual event with just me and the girls. Last year Craig was planning to go but with a last minute stomach issues he opted to stay home and we went with out him (sobbing most of the way down I64). Although it was a relief to not have that stress it was difficult to be on campus without him. It was hard to look at the Blanding tower and have great memories of freshmen year and not have him there to share it with him. His fraternity house is no longer the Lambda Chi house, another fraternity is in there, but the library that we walked to together still sits between the two houses. Some parts of campus are really different than when we were there but it still jogged great memories. When I think of how sick Craig was then it makes sense that he is no longer with us but if you travel back in time 15 years then my life makes no sense and quite frankly the week after the trip was really hard. I enjoyed the game and the tailgate but to think back to all that has changed since we walked that campus was a lot to digest. It really took my breathe away. I wish I would have blogged more that week. This always help work through some of those unsettling feelings but I didn't. I should have. I have learned that I need to take the time to digest good memories as well as the bad memories of the past 2 years. The healing process is not about just sitting around and crying it really about taking the time to reflect on the good and the bad. My goal has always been to walk through the fire rather than around b/c that is what is going to make the person that God wants me to be. Taking time for myself to just think/blog/chat is all apart of that.

We did have a great time. They girls love being with family and I feel very fortunate to have such a wonderful group of guys for them to hang out with. They have wonderful role models of Godly men all around them and I am really grateful for that. And we can only assume that basketball season will be much better than football season. Go CATS!

 

Trip to Cincinnati for Fall Break

 

 

 

 

Two weeks ago we took a trip to northern KY area for the end of fall break. We visited the Newport Aquarium and stay the night in a hotel with an indoor pool. We met up with some new friends, Jenny and her girls. I have mentioned Jenny on this blog before. She lost her husband in Afghanistan about 6 weeks after Craig died. Although the reason for our friendship coming to be is not a pleasant one it is really a gift to have someone the same age going through a similar thing. It is nice to have someone to compare notes with and to say things that others do not understand. Her girls are so wonderful and everyone got along really well.

 

From there we went to Kristy and Bruce's house for the rest of the weekend which included a family shower to Jeanie and Brian. Great weekend and a great way to wrap up Oldham County Fall break.

 

Thankful Thursday: Halloween pictures

Halloween

The girls and I had a blast walking around the neighborhood yesterday trick or treating. We weren't sure that Hannah was going to go b/c she decided not to nap at school but she powered through it and had a blast. I am so thankful for my girls. I am so thankful for the people they are. Each of them are so different and we have such a great time together. I love them more each day.

Last weekend we went to Cincinnati for the last couple days of fall break. As soon as I can find the camera cord to download pictures I will update the blog. We had a great time too.



Please pray for me. I have been struggling with just trying to process all that has happened in the past two years. The past is overwhelming to think about what Craig went through while he battled cancer. It still breaks my heart to think about what he endured. During those times I am so thankful he has been fully healed. But the thoughts of should I have done something different are haunting. The present is overwhelming at times. There have been many days that I have said that raising three girls is not a job for one person. Trying figure out this normal is difficult. During those times I just miss Craig. To think of the future is often hopeful but also so scary. Although I am hopeful that God will lead me to the right person in His time, dating and relationships are much more complicated that the last time I did it. All these details are so very overwhelming to think about at the same time. I feel a little scattered right now. I am taking some time to just think through some things and get the help that I need around the house. Anyway, just pray that I have the courage and streghth to surrender the memories to Him so that He can continue to make it into a testimony that brings Him all the glory. Please pray that each day I can find the strength to continue on as a single mom. And please pray that I can continue to trust Him for our future.

More to come... stay tuned for pictures.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, I am so sorry for what you had to endure Halloween 2010. Just witnesses that was one of the hardest weeks of the journey. I am sorry that I didnt realize how very miserable you were. I wanted so badly for you to be with us. I just hated that you weren't healthy enough to enjoy the things that you once did. We miss you. You're girls are so smart and so fabulous. Love you. See you again.

decluttering and Psalm 19:14

Okay so I have this pre-recorded radio interview on WFIA tomorrow. I have been invited to be on Kristen Sauder radio show, Excellent Things, that airs in the afternoons. She does about an hour interview with people around Louisville (and beyond) that have a God story they are willing to share. I've know about it for about three weeks. I have tried to be prayerful about it but my mind has been cluttered with to do list and odds and ends. I am now down to less that 24 hours before the interview and I can't image what I am going to have to say during this interview that anyone is going to want to hear. AHHHHHH!

My brain is cluttered with to-do list for work. (value added reporting due, radio annuals looming, 1Q TV, Georgetown Grand Opening next Friday, Angel Tree schedules to be worked on... and wait somewhere in there I am sure billing and post are due...) sigh.

My to-do list at home, (unload dishwasher, finish laundry, raise three little girls, don't forget to stick Hannah on the potty b/c we are "potty training" I use that term very loosely, baths, vacuum the basement, figure out Morgan's Halloween costume, buy blue hair spray for Emmy's costume, let the tooth fairy in the door when she arrives to get Morgan's 1st lost tooth...)

And there is the preparing for the trip to Cincinnati this weekend list (oil change, get gas, get money from the ATM, pack for the weekend: snacks, potty, pool supplies, sleeping bags, outfits (have to be cute and clean), camera, wedding shower gift, veggie tray, my stuff...)

So I have all this swimming in my head and add to the list: prayer and concentrating on what He wants me to say in this interview!!! AHHHH! Isn't so typically to let so much stuff get in the way of being able to listen to what God wants us to communicate?

So I am blogging... getting it all out there... what else is clogging my brain so that I can't concentrate on what He wants me to say during this interview... Oh a whole bunch of stuff...the holidays coming up... new friendships...upcoming events...weight gain (ugh so ticked off about this)...being "that" girl with the sad story... memories flooded from the trip to Lexington this past weekend...I swear Craig was just here and now he is not... ugh.

As I blog I am reminded that prayer is not something that is on a list of things to do. It should be a way of life. Constant conversation with Him is the way to keep the to-do's and anxiety from overpowering our minds and getting away from doing this His way.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6 He wants to hear about EVERYTHING. He wants to be turn over all anxieties and all to-do list to Him and be thankful. God, HELP me I am drowning in to-do lists, raising three little girls as a single mom, keeping up with a career that I love, and trying to maintain relationships that bring joy, comfort and strength each day. PLEASE relieve me of lists and guide me to YOUR way of doing this MESS called life. Get me on your path (QUICKLY) so that the words during this radio interview are yours and not mine b/c all I have right now is a cluttered head of blah and that is not going to bring you the glory that I so desire for this interview. "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you." Psalm 19:14 Don't let me utter one syllable of my own. Let every word and thought come from you. Please use me as an example of the peace, joy and love that is so unimaginable to so many in this world. Please let this interview accomplish whatever it is that your Will is for it. Help me to focus on your agenda and not mine!!!! In Jesus' Name, Amen. Blog readers, pray Psalm 19:14 for me tomorrow at 4:00, please. Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss the way that you put things in perspective for me when I am flipping out and your encouragement and I will see you again. I hope you get WFIA up there, I will be on sometime in December. love you. oh and your people are so very good to me. Good call on St. X and Lambda Chi. :)

Fall days

This post is mostly for me. I haven't been really disciplined with getting pictures downloaded and printed in the last two years so I wanted to get some of the pictures that document days of our daily lives out there since there are not in scrapbooks or in cute photo boxes in my house these days.

Hannah's First Hair cut: I waited too long to do this b/c I was afraid that she would look like a boy and I couldn't get pig-tails in if it were too short. Although I don't think that I can get pig-tails in, her little hair-cut is so cute. She did so good sitting there. I decided at the last minute to add a small layer of bands. I didn't want to b/c in the end you just end growing them out but I they frame her face really well and she looks so cute.

Cutting the bangs

sitting so good in the Princess Jeep

All done.

Saturday afternoon we went to the Fox Hollow Fall Festival. We normally go to Huber's as a family but I just can't do it without Craig this year. Too many great memories so we changed it up a bit. Who knows what we will do next year. The girls did really great. Although later that night I cried b/c they had to carry their own pumpkins. That is something that daddies do at a pumpkin patch. Little thing, I know but it was just a blessing to be able to pick the biggest pumpkin in the patch and have a big strong daddy to carry it to the car while the kids ate pumpkin ice cream or fed the ducks. Not feeling sorry for us but well... okay I am feeling sorry for us. sigh. Just miss some of the little things but still doing what we do, just a little different than before.

Met up with the Richardson's at the festival.

Climbing the hay castle. fun.

This was so funny. Hannah really doesn't know a stranger. She just stopped in the middle of the patch and started talking to that little girls like she had known her her whole life. So funny.

The mommies and the "babies"

Hannah is a mama's girl. :)

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven. I missed you at the pumpkin patch this year. I can still remember the year that Emily and Morgan could finally walk through the patch on their own and we kind of stood there in amazement that things were getting easier with two little girls just 14 months apart. I also remember the year that I stood in the middle of the pumpkin field and I just knew that I was pregnant with Hannah even though it was too soon to take the test. I turned to you and said, I think I might be pregnant and you grinned and said something like I hope so. :) Miss you. See you again.

Thoughtful and Thankful Thursday

I dropped Hannah off at school today and walked in the door from the garage and wanted to see Craig sitting on the couch. I wanted him to just drop in and say it is okay to be okay. I wanted him so badly to say you are doing a great job keeping up with life. And I saw that you screwed up the checking account and it is okay. I did stuff like too, you just never knew about it. (I bet he never really did but he would lie about it to make me feel better). I just want his approval. I am running our household and I want him to check in and give an evaluation current status. I want his input on what I should be doing differently (maybe... well I at least want opportunity to argue with him about why I am doing things the way I am doing them). Sigh. It has been so long since I have gotten his two cents. I can't even think that I won't see him in this lifetime again. I stay day to day, that is what God intends for us. 

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

I am so grateful for a great big God that's "got this one". He knows what tomorrow looks like and just wants me to enjoy the blessings of today.

Tuesday evening we received a most wonderful gift from God! If anyone has heard about my washing machine you will be relieved to not have to hear me rant about the flooded laundry room any more! If you can remember in late April/early May the wash machine broke. A princess nightgown got twisted in the rubber lining. In turn a hose snapped (and so did I... remember that post... I realized it takes a village...ANYWAY). The rubber lining never sealed the door closed after that lovely incident so water trickled down the front of the machine and all over the laundry room floor. The little loads were more than a trickle (remember Noah?...kidding). I laid towels under the machine so that it wouldn't get the whole room wet but then the laundry room always smelled like wet towels... ugh... so incredibly frustrating. But after the dishwasher broke we took one thing at a time and made due until I got so fed up and just went out and bought another one. I was almost there, when God had a washer machine delivered to my house!! Holy cow! It is a top-loader, it cleans clothes (!!) and it doesn't flood the laundry room!!! And that, my friends is a BEAUTIFUL THING that I am so VERY thankful for!!! There will be no more mopping up on Thursday after the laundry is complete on Wednesdays!! YEAH!! He is a great provider!! :)

So yes, each day is a roller coaster of emotions but one thing is consistent:, we are trusting in His plan, He is ALWAYS good and we are so thankful. Happy Thankful Thursday!

PS This weekend is the last weekend for the Charity Homes Tour. Support the PanCan house #6!!

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for busy work. I am slammed at work and it is fabulous thing right now. I am also sooo incredibly grateful for my supervisors and my assistant. They are so supportive when bad days hit. They are ready to back me up on rough days like yesterday.

My life is so full of wonderful blessings. Although the days that I need to call a spade a spade are hard, it is easy to look around and know that I am blessed beyond my imagination. I have an amazing support system and I am so grateful!!

I am also so grateful to have a weekend full of fun events with friends and family to look forward to as well. One foot in front of the other... moving on to better days. ;)

Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Hold on to Me.

The words this song could be my entire post. Working in the Pan Can house at the Charity Home tour was really hard on Saturday. Although being in the house talking about the girls art work was not bad while I was there but when I walked away it was an overwhelming feeling. I talked the talk and walked the Pancreatic Cancer walk for 17 months and to say things like, art therapy, Norton Cancer Institute, cancer battle,  passed away in March, chemo, PanCan, over and over threw me right back to where I so desperately wanted to get out of 6 months ago. As I was standing in the house telling pieces of our story and how they related to the Charity that was associated with the house I had a feeling that I wanted my wedding rings back on my left hand, my whole being and identity was being throw back into cancer-land. It took my breath away as I climbed into my car after just a short three hour shift. I was emotional exhausted for days trying to process all the memories that it brought up. Sunday afternoon my mom did my shift at the house since I had such a hard time on Saturday.

The girl's art work featured in the rec room upstairs.

Please don't let the sentiment of this post deter you from supporting the Charity Homes Celebration. It is an amazing opportunity to raise money and awareness for PanCan. The house is in first place with votes, if it wins at the end of the event then PanCan could be awarded up to $50K for research. Please vote for house #6 if you go. More pictures to come... blogger is doing funny things.
Sunday evening was the Purple Light Vigil. Kristen my sister-in-law asked me to do a talk at the event. I felt the call to use the platform to bring God glory and I would do just about anything for Craig's family. There loss is grand and anything that might bring them comfort I am willing to do. Kristen (and team) did such a great job with the event. The vigil was held at Norton Hospital Brownsboro the same place that Craig was diagnosed and died. As the ceremony started I saw one of the nurses that worked there entering the building to start her shift. It was the same nurse that was there when Craig was diagnosed and when he died. Some of this stuff is just too much to swallow right now.

Take away: I need a break from the cancer stuff. It throws me back into cancer-land and HORRIBLE memories of what my husband and best friend endured for a year and a half. Is it something that I would be willing to work on in years to come, yes, but for right now it is too much. I am committed to moving forward for myself and my children. Will there still be work to be done in 2-3 years for PanCan? Yes. Ecclesiastes 3 There is a time for everything. We used this verse in our wedding and I used it in Craig's funeral. Right now is not the time to relive what happen to my family from 10/4/10 to 3/18/12. It is a time to move forward, seek joy and peace and cry when we miss Craig. Everyone grieves differently and I applaud those who have the strength to fight for those still fighting Pancreatic Cancer. But I fought for husband when doctors didn't want to treat him at all, I called every major cancer institute in the continental US to see what they had to offer, I scoured  listing for clinical trials, writing notes to take to the "experts", I sat through second opinions, third opinions, trips to Vandy, HOURS in a chair next to my husband being pumped with poison only to understand his true fate. I sat in waiting rooms for HOURS waiting for procedures to be complete to chat with a doctor that said stuff like "that stet will last him indefinitely" knowing the life of the stet that was just placed only would be good 18 months at the most, but getting and hearing the messages he was giving me. I wanted to punch that man so many times but instead I nodded and thanked him for taking care of my husband. The pieces of information I kept to myself rather than discussing with Craig afterwards. He would ask in the car on the way home "Do you know how long this one is going to last? I hate that procedure and its recovery.'' And I would reply, "18 months so you are good to go for awhile." Knowing that the answer was really "don't worry about it I think that is the last time you will have to do this." To say that I am sick of living  pancreatic cancer and it effects is vast understatement. Although I feel like such a coward bowing out of the fight for those who still have to fight at this point I feel like screaming I HAVE PUT IN MY TIME. It is not good for my family to have a mom that is at her wits end b/c of trying to process horrible memories. When I say I am relieved for Craig to be healed I mean it. If you haven't ever taken care of someone for 17 months with this disease don't judge those words. Everyone grieves differently. The link below goes to a blog. I don't know this woman and I have never read her blog before but I can't tell you how close she NAILED it on this one. I read it with tears streaming down my face. Unbelievable.
http://www.fourlittletomsandamom.blogspot.com/2012/01/proverbs-31-ministries-blogpost-our.html

I really thought that meltdown day would be tomorrow. Funny how things work out. Tomorrow 10/4/12 is the 2 year anniversary that Craig was diagnosed with PC. I remember sitting in the ER listening to the nurse say there is a mass in his pancreas. My first question was "does he need that or can you just take it out". I haven't a clue what she was saying. I didn't even know what the pancreas was at that point. Later that night I got the full scope of it. Mass hysteria as I had three little girls at home in bed, one just 4 months old and Dr. Morris telling Craig he had 6 months to live. Our lives would never be the same. EVER. October 4th is harder for me than March 18th. So much was gone at that very instant. On March 18th Craig simple stopped breathing, he was out of pain and healed. On October 4th he started a journey that was devastating. Our future was gone instantly. For months full of chemo he worked to buy time so that he could make as many memories as he could with the girls. We worked through the toughest situation with a lot of grace and dignity. I am proud of the way that we handled the situation. Although there are still some things that I would change I still think we did pretty darn good, all things considering.

I am not sure what stage of grief that I live in right now. I think I am bouncing back and forth from acceptance to anger. There are times during the week that I walk away from the frustration of raising three girls by myself and just say over and over, this is such "bull sh*t" "it is such bull sh*t that I have to do this by myself" I don't know who I am talking to whether it is Craig or God (hope not, I'm sure He doesn't approve of the language choice) or just getting it out there but I think if I were to ever write a book on grief I would replace the chapter about anger and title it "this is such Bull SH*T." I can honestly say that there are several times that I am so ticked off at Craig, I realize this is not fair that he would have done anything to be here to raise our girls but it doesn't seem fair that he is hanging out in paradise with JC and I am struggling here. I do tell him that. I am sure he doesn't listen b/c he had an uncanny ability to be able to tune me out when he was alive, I am sure that he took that with him. ugh. Such Bull Sh*t.

Today is a down day. The memories are just so hard to think about. I am so ticked at what Craig had to endure. I am so stinkin' mad that my girls don't have their dad. Two years ago seems like at least 15 years. There is just no way that was just 2 years ago. I am not the same person as I was. It just seems ridiculous that was just 2 years ago. The whole thing is just ridiculous. I hope that I have the courage after this rant to do thankful Thursday tomorrow. Today I am calling a spade a spade. This is BS.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven... ugh I can't even go there right now.

Charity Homes Celebration

Craig at Myrtle Beach - September 2010 - 2 weeks before being diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer

This week has been crazy getting everything together for the Charity Homes Celebration in Norton Commons. We are in the midst of getting a display table together that will feature material about pancreatic cancer, pictures of the walk we did in Indy in June 2011, pictures of Craig and purple hersery kisses (for those who love a little chocolate). The home will showcase some of Emily and Morgan's artwork from art therapy. The first day is this Saturday and I have to say I will be excited to get the event underway.

Little nuts right now.

If you are planning on going but haven't gotten a ticket you can purchase them at the event, just make sure that you tell them at the front that you want to support the PanCan house in honor of Craig Merimee.

When you go to the event make sure that you vote for the PanCan house at the end of the tour. The house that gets the most votes has a potential to receive up to $50K for their charity. That would get us that much closer to finding more solutions for pancreatic cancer. 

The Charity Homes Celebration goes from 9/29 - 10/14.

Wednesdays and Fridays 4-8p and Saturdays and Sundays 12-6p  

Thanks for your support!!

article

http://restministries.com/2011/03/29/does-grief-have-a-timeline/

Good article on grief.

UK alumni hayride

This past Sunday we joined the Graviss family at the UK alumni hayride event held at Spindle Top, right outside of Lexington. We had a great time getting into the Fall season. :)



The petting zoo



painting pumpkins



Morgan got candy corns painted on her face.





Hannah got CATS paws on her face.





Painted pumpkin masterpieces :)






Emily picked a pumpkin to be painted on her face.

 



Hannah and Mommy






Lavin and Mallory

The hayride.

Waiting for the hayride