Thankful Thursday

So often when someone passes away we say we will see them again and someday you will be together again. It is so very comforting to know that I get to spend eternity with Craig, other family members and my Lord and Savior. There have been times where I have stopped and said I can't just be miserable waiting to be with Craig again on the other side. There has to be good here in the next 50ish years before we see each other again. So many of God's wonderful promises refer to how fabulous heaven will be when we get there. We long for the days with no tears or troubles. I came across this scripture in bible study and had a little sigh of relief. Psalm 27:13-14 says I remain confident of this, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Even though we live in a fallen world, with cancer, sin, divorce, hurt, tears, depression, death, He promises goodness. It may not be constant like it is in heaven but it is here and James 1:17 says every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights.There still so much good on earth that He sends down for those who embrace it and trust the Lord.

"Mommy take a pit-ure of my silly face"
Strange angle b/c she is sitting on my stomach, where she spends most evenings.
Also take note she is clean, not just out of the swimming pool/summer clean, like out of the bathtub clean. :)

So grateful for my girls even as goofy as they are. So grateful for Hannah Jane's soft wonderful curls that spring up when she is hot or it is raining. Ah just love them. Thank you Lord for making them the fantastic people that they are.

My Single Mom Life by Angela Thomas

Sorry for the blog hiatus. It truly wasn't intentional. Father's Day was tough. It took a lot to figure out Hannah's birthday and prepare my heart for that day and Father's Day was two days later and it kind of blindsided me. We had planned to write notes and attach them to balloons like we did last year but a storm rolled in late afternoon and canceled that plan. Honestly, I simply survived most of that day. I feel guilty just surviving a day. Craig did everything he could to add days to his life, so to not give each day my all seems pathetic. There is nothing physically holding me back from finding joy each day but that day it just wasn't happening. We went to church and sat with some dear friends but after lunch it was simple about survival. Remembering to breathe and just push through. Emily and Morgan did write notes to Craig and we planned to do balloons at some point.

Back in May I emailed a friend from high school that was divorced and now is remarried to a Godly man. I asked her if there was a book that helped her through her journey as a single mom and she recommended Angela Thomas' book My Single Mom Life. I have seen Angela speak before so I could hear Tennessee twang as I read it. I underlined half the book. It is about bringing joy to a house that doesn't feel complete. As I read it, it was hard to admit that we needed to form a family of 4 but the book itself is very encouraging and now that it has been a couple week to let the message settle in, it is one of my favorites. It talks about surrendering to the Lords plan for yourself and He will rescue you through the power of prayer and relationship with Him. Trusting the Lord and being a joyful mom.
Here is one of the hundreds of passage that I underlined:
How now shall we live? We shall live like everything God has promised is true. God is here, He is ready to heal and restore and make your life new. Turn and see.
another one:
I believe with all my heart that God longs to hold you close, and He is able to provide for you, protect you, and heal your brokenness. He is the only One who can take a single mom from zero to hope.
Just reading it again gets me excited about being a great mom for my girls. They deserve it and I am doing all that I can do be the best that I can be. She tackles issues that single parents face each day: loneliness, solo parenting, etc. She talks about finances and trusting the Lord to provide, dating as a single mom, putting joy back into parenting after the loss of a marriage. It was refreshing and wonderful and encouraging, and fabulous. It is in my small stack of "go-to" books. Love it!
 


God has really put it on my heart lately to be content and joyful in the season of life that I am currently in. He has made it evident that I should enjoy each piece of my life as it is right now. I don't know what He has in store for me in the future but recently He made some awesome opportunities available. I started a summer bible study at SE Oldham county campus called "Discerning the Voice of God." I started the study b/c I thought He wanted me to learn to listen more rather than talking to Him. In cancerland it was constant conversation and He was consistently comforting me with each unspoken and spoken prayer. But now that I am in widow and single mom land I thought that my prayer life needed to change. I missed the first week of the study but the second week I was placed at a table with the other ladies that had missed the first week as well. I was asked to be the table leader which I gladly excepted. I have never led a bible study but I am soooo incredibly grateful for the opportunity. So I am sure that I do need to listen to the Lord more but the opportunity to lead makes me think that He doesn't necessarily want me quiet but He wants me to continue to tell my story and bring Him more and more Glory as I walk with Him each day. I cannot tell you how much this opportunity means to me. I am so grateful to be able to do this. Yeah table #9. :)

He has also lead me to some new possibilities in my career. Some opportunities have come around and my name has been in the mix of people that might be great for some new teams. Exciting things might be ahead. :)

God is so good. Since I have been working on being content in my life right now He has made it quite evident that I have a full and blessed life. And although I miss Craig and miss being married my life is complete b/c of all the blessing that He has given to me. I am so grateful that He uses me in so many ways. 

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

I will update more later but the girls are having a great summer. They are in VBS this week at St. Al's. They love it. They are swimming a lot and enjoying their time off. I can't believe that is almost the end of June. We love the summertime. :) More to come.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven we are doing well. I am reinventing myself more and more each day. At times I worry if you will even know me when we see each other again but I think you might even like this Michelle better than the one that you were married to. :) The way that you handled the adversity of cancer inspires me each day to live life to the fullest. I love you, I miss you and I will see you again.

Hannah's 3rd Birthday

Hannah and I on June 14th 2010

Hannah's 3rd birthday was yesterday. It took me a while to decide how we were going to celebrate. Her birthday reminds me how close to perfect I had it. I can't explain how incredibly content and happy with life I was, when Hannah was born. She was a perfect baby girl and a completion of our family of 5. The night after I had her Craig stayed at the hospital and it went like any typical first night, really messy diapers, feedings every two hours, nurses in and out all the time. The second night Craig stayed at home and I had her all to myself. I kept her close all night. I knew that when I went home the next day I would have to share her with visitors, Craig, and the girls. I wanted to savor the night while I had it. It was pure baby love. I fed her, and changed her, held her and stared at her all night. I remember the nurse popped in at 4:00a and asked if I had slept at all and I said, "I'm alright." I wasn't going to let sleep keep me from adoring this final Merimee baby. It was one of the best nights of my life, I just adored this baby. Hannah has had a special place in my heart since day one. She was always a mama's girl and I never had one until she came along. Her smiles and giggles made life good when it wasn't in cancerland. She is a funny little girl. At times her temper gets the best of her but she is adorable and lovable.

Happy 3rd Birthday Hannah! (breakfast chocolate muffin)

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, Hannah is 3. There are soooo many times when during the day I think, What would Craig do? when dealing with Emily or Morgan. But with Hannah I don't think you would even know what to do. You would love her songs and her giggles but there are things that she gets into that not even the most level-headed, patient dad would know how to handle. Prayer is the only answer. :) She is awesome. We made such fabulous people. Love you. Miss you. Will see you again.

"I want names" - add my name to your list please.

Prayer mirror

Sometimes the quietest times in a house full of kids is when the blow dryer is going or when the vacuum is running. I do a lot of praying for others while I straighten my hair. Names pop into my head throughout the 15 minutes of blow drying and round-brushing this mane. Names of people that I have told that I would pray for them. There are a lot of times that names flood my head and I cant finish a thought before the next one jumps ahead. I am a big list maker especially when I have million things bouncing around my head like ping pong balls. My lists get my thoughts organized so I can concentrate. I started writing names on my mirror with a dry erase marker. 
There are catelogories: Hope for Widow(er)s, babies unborn and newly born, my kids, my friends marriages, Moms waiting to be moms, Healing in Cancerland, etc etc. depending on the day...

We are doing a series at SE called "I want names". It is about praying for others, connecting them to Jesus and watching miracles happen but it starts with prayer. So this is my list. The girls love it and they do it to their mirror too sometimes.

So I feel like I have neglected this blog a bit. So sorry about that. Emily had her dance recital yesterday and we have been busy at the pool. I crash at 8:00 with the girls most night and then get up about 10:00 and realize I fell asleep too early. Crazy summer sleep schedule. I just finished the book "My Single Mom Life" by Angela Thomas. It was amazing and heart breaking at the same time. She is divorced so her situation is a bit different. As I read about how to make life amazing even though things don't look like you wanted them too I realized that I have to form a life for us girls without Craig. The one-year anniversary really sealed the deal that we are no longer a family of 5. Until then I felt like we were a family of five except one person doesn't live with us girls any longer. This is a sweet thought and I now that Craig will always be with us in some form (memories, genetics and what-not) but to continue to move forward in a healthy direction we have to grow as a family of four. This is a bit heart breaking as well as exciting. Mixed of emotions at every turn.

The other thing that I am working through and praying through is remembering Craig without cancer. Leading up to the one-year anniversary VIVID memories of how he looked in his last days/weeks flooded my head and kept me up at night. When hospice visited with us in the last months of Craig's life we talked about the girl's grief. Since Hannah was so young when Craig died she has no memories of him at all. She will take pieces from every one's stories and opinion and form a dad in her head. I think I am doing the same thing and it is painful. I want to remember Craig as a healthy person but when I do that it doesn't make sense that he is not here with us. So this is where you come in. If you have a prayer mirror, wall, notebook, whatever. Please write down my name. I need courage to release the bad memories of cancer and replace them with memories of a great husband and father. If I remember the cancer stuff then I am glad Craig has been healed but it is harder to let that go and remember the good stuff. I need to to be able to take the next step for my family. I need to remember him as 180ish pounds and rosy checks, smiling hanging with friends wearing a polo shirt and kahki shorts. I need to remember the silly games he played around the house with the girls. I need to remember the person that made this house a home. I need to stick with that image rather than the 113 pounds of yellow skin and bones he left here on earth. I don't want to forget what we went through in cancer-land but I can't keep reliving the end just b/c it gives me a sense of relief that he is not here any more. The next step in healing is remembering the good and moving forward as a family of four. Prayers please.

Hannah Jane's birthday is Friday. another post to come. Her birthday is so HARD.
Emily and Morgan jumped off the high dive at the pool on Saturday - I hope to post the video.... we will see.
Anyway - more less sad post to come. We are loving summertime. We made our summer check list the last day Em and Mor were in school. We have a lot of fabulous stuff to do this summer. Love it.

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, we miss you, we love you and we will see you again but it will be a while and that hurts.