| Prayer mirror |
There are catelogories: Hope for Widow(er)s, babies unborn and newly born, my kids, my friends marriages, Moms waiting to be moms, Healing in Cancerland, etc etc. depending on the day...
We are doing a series at SE called "I want names". It is about praying for others, connecting them to Jesus and watching miracles happen but it starts with prayer. So this is my list. The girls love it and they do it to their mirror too sometimes.
So I feel like I have neglected this blog a bit. So sorry about that. Emily had her dance recital yesterday and we have been busy at the pool. I crash at 8:00 with the girls most night and then get up about 10:00 and realize I fell asleep too early. Crazy summer sleep schedule. I just finished the book "My Single Mom Life" by Angela Thomas. It was amazing and heart breaking at the same time. She is divorced so her situation is a bit different. As I read about how to make life amazing even though things don't look like you wanted them too I realized that I have to form a life for us girls without Craig. The one-year anniversary really sealed the deal that we are no longer a family of 5. Until then I felt like we were a family of five except one person doesn't live with us girls any longer. This is a sweet thought and I now that Craig will always be with us in some form (memories, genetics and what-not) but to continue to move forward in a healthy direction we have to grow as a family of four. This is a bit heart breaking as well as exciting. Mixed of emotions at every turn.
The other thing that I am working through and praying through is remembering Craig without cancer. Leading up to the one-year anniversary VIVID memories of how he looked in his last days/weeks flooded my head and kept me up at night. When hospice visited with us in the last months of Craig's life we talked about the girl's grief. Since Hannah was so young when Craig died she has no memories of him at all. She will take pieces from every one's stories and opinion and form a dad in her head. I think I am doing the same thing and it is painful. I want to remember Craig as a healthy person but when I do that it doesn't make sense that he is not here with us. So this is where you come in. If you have a prayer mirror, wall, notebook, whatever. Please write down my name. I need courage to release the bad memories of cancer and replace them with memories of a great husband and father. If I remember the cancer stuff then I am glad Craig has been healed but it is harder to let that go and remember the good stuff. I need to to be able to take the next step for my family. I need to remember him as 180ish pounds and rosy checks, smiling hanging with friends wearing a polo shirt and kahki shorts. I need to remember the silly games he played around the house with the girls. I need to remember the person that made this house a home. I need to stick with that image rather than the 113 pounds of yellow skin and bones he left here on earth. I don't want to forget what we went through in cancer-land but I can't keep reliving the end just b/c it gives me a sense of relief that he is not here any more. The next step in healing is remembering the good and moving forward as a family of four. Prayers please.
Hannah Jane's birthday is Friday. another post to come. Her birthday is so HARD.
Emily and Morgan jumped off the high dive at the pool on Saturday - I hope to post the video.... we will see.
Anyway - more less sad post to come. We are loving summertime. We made our summer check list the last day Em and Mor were in school. We have a lot of fabulous stuff to do this summer. Love it.
Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, we miss you, we love you and we will see you again but it will be a while and that hurts.
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