First things first: Many prayers to the families that have lost loved ones fighting for our freedom. Especially my new FB friend, Jenny, who lost her husband a couple weeks after Craig died. He was doing a tour in Afghanistan and he left behind a wife and two little girls. Prayers that each tear they shed is b/c of a great memory with Nick and each one gets them closer to peace and hope.
Update:
This weekend we were really busy.
Friday - date night with Morgan - see previous post
Saturday - pool time and then a trip to NKY for my cousin, Brian's engagement party. We partied way late and came home late.
Sunday - church and out to lunch with our second fam
Monday - cleaning the basement and swimming with family
Busy is good right now. This is what "one foot in front of the other" looks like for a mom of three. Although I may be missing Craig like crazy, the option of staying in bed for the day b/c I don't feel like getting up isn't really an option at all.
So we are keeping busy, trying to clear our heads as time allows. The first stage of grief is shock and I really thought that I would have skip this one since the prognosis was grim from the beginning but I can say I am in shock of how different my life looks from the way that I planned it. I am making progress on gain hope back and putting it in God's hands but the thought of "what the heck just happened" lurks often. I can't say that I am excited about Hannah's birthday. On her birthday my life looked "PERFECT." It was exactly what I had planned and she will be 2 in June and my life is so far from what I had planned just a short two years later.
I was hoping this weekend would be time to gain some footing and breath a little easier. That has definitely happened. I talked with my cousin Mike briefly at the party Saturday. We were discussing the roles of money management in a marriage. Craig was quite the saver. I am not a spender but I do like to save my pennies for something fun like a vacation or a trip here and there to make memories as a family. Getting Craig on board with this was a challenge until we went to Hilton Head the first time with both Emily and Morgan in 2008. Once he saw how many memories we made on those trips they were no longer up for debate they were on the annual agenda. So as I thought about how I have been making some of the decision here lately it dawned on me what I was trying to do. I was trying to be two people. Craig and I were the perfect ying and yang when it came to making decisions and trying to pull that off inside my head made me a crazy women. So every time I would think about a decision I would think of my desires and then think what would Craig want us to do. Although this sounds like I am honoring his wishes (which I have) it also is a recipe for disaster. This situation is no where close to where we were 2 years ago. Death of a husband is a game-changer so things have to be looked at differently than if they were looked at by two parents. It is hard to explain without going into details but I need to figure out who I am as a widow and single mom before making decisions. Craig had confidence in me that I could do this and I do too, I just need to gain some footing before I jump into much of anything. Hopefully coming to this conclusion will ease some of the stress lately.
So our weekend was good and busy and we are putting one foot in front of the other and some day... we will just be walking again without having to think about putting one foot in front of the other.... someday..
Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss you, thank you for instilling confidence in me for the past 10 years and I will see you again...
Monday, May 28, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Morgan's date night with mommy
Morgan and I had our date night tonight. We went to the Paint spot at the summit, then 32 degrees for frozen yogurt, then out shopping for beach outfits, pennies in the water fountain etc etc.. We walked the majority of the summit just to be with each other. She is so different when it is just me and her. She was so happy to spend the evening with me. It make me feel so special that they want to spend that time with me. She is a wonderful and creative little lady.
I love one-on-one time with my girls. :)
s.t.r.u.g.g.l.i.n.g
I am so covered with grief right now, I barely recognize myself and my own thoughts. I read the blog from last year and I feel like I know that person but my emotions just don't match that person any more. I really can't describe where I am but I know that I want to find a way to get through this. I want to work through these emotions but for most part I feel very stuck here at the present time. It is overwhelming in every way right now. I am putting one foot in front of the other each day and hoping that it gets easier. I want to get back to trusting, hope-filled and even joyful place that God intents for me to be in. Each step of the cancer journey I felt God's presence and I am so saturated in grief that is hard to feel much of anything but that.
Most days are a roller coaster of emotions from sadness of missing Craig and marriage in general to being overwhelmed by so much responsibility on my shoulders to tinges to hopeful that God has a plan to make this all "okay" some days. But right now it feels far from okay. If I see you and need a ridiculous amount of encouragement please forgive me, I swear I wish I wasn't such a high maintenance friend right now. I want so badly to be that friend that people call to go out and have a good time but right now I am simply struggling. I hate how selfish I have become too. A lot of what got us through the cancer journey was praying and learning to have empathy for others. It brought great joy and peace to pray for others and to encourage others through their struggling. I want to be back there SOOOOO badly. I hate where I am right now.
Saturday Hannah was napping and Emily and Morgan were playing outside. I was reading on my bed and I stop for a minute and just begged God to let Craig walk into the bedroom ringing with sweat after he finished mowing the lawn. I could picture him in his old green short and a shirt without sleeves. Beads of sweat on his forehead and his blackberry attached to him listening to his "lawn cutting" tunes. At 4:00 he would have gotten in the shower and cleaned up so we could make it 5:00 service at SECC to kick off "date night." We would have gone to dinner and chatted about the week and our future together. He never walked into the bedroom. I knew he wouldn't (I'm not crazy) but I really wanted the whole thing to just be a bad dream. I wanted so badly to go on "date night" with a freshly showered husband. It has been kind of like, "okay God, you have had him for a little over 2 months, you healed him completely, NOW GIVE HIM BACK!"
I am reading a book called From One Widow to Another. It has given me some great insight into how not to get stuck in the depression (I don't like that word - it sounds too permanent) cave. The main theme is discovering who you are without your marriage. I am committed to figuring that out so that I can fulfill God's purpose for my life but I really worry that the next time I see Craig he won't even recognize me. I know this is ridiculous but I really look forward to reuniting with him and telling him exactly what went on after he exited earth. I will start with "later that same afternoon..." and tell him everything, he won't say much but can't you just see this scenario? BUT what if I get up there and I have changed so much that he is just some guy that I met at a frat party (Mad dog '96)!!! God-willing I have a while until I see him again, who will I be by then!?? Someone in my group said he is still here and see what we are doing but I don't know. I think he has a new gig just as much as I do. He will always be a part of lives but I am not sure where he fits into this new life or even where to go from here.
I am starting a new study this summer on Revelations. It is a Beth Moore study and I am have to say I am freaking out. I hope this gets me back in scripture and back on God's path of faith, and a hope-filled life but Beth Moore is intense and I have never done one of hers. It is also with a new group of girls I have never met. so scary.
So please pray for peace and more tinges of hope. Pray that I can begin to feel God's strength again. It feels better even now that some of the feelings out out on cyber-paper but this is the toughest situation I have ever been in and it is tough b/c I feel as if I am going through it alone. I have great friends but they really haven't a clue what I am feeling. God does, I just need to hear from Him like I did when Craig was sick...
Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss you, I am anxious about a millions things and I need you back here but I will see you again...
Most days are a roller coaster of emotions from sadness of missing Craig and marriage in general to being overwhelmed by so much responsibility on my shoulders to tinges to hopeful that God has a plan to make this all "okay" some days. But right now it feels far from okay. If I see you and need a ridiculous amount of encouragement please forgive me, I swear I wish I wasn't such a high maintenance friend right now. I want so badly to be that friend that people call to go out and have a good time but right now I am simply struggling. I hate how selfish I have become too. A lot of what got us through the cancer journey was praying and learning to have empathy for others. It brought great joy and peace to pray for others and to encourage others through their struggling. I want to be back there SOOOOO badly. I hate where I am right now.
Saturday Hannah was napping and Emily and Morgan were playing outside. I was reading on my bed and I stop for a minute and just begged God to let Craig walk into the bedroom ringing with sweat after he finished mowing the lawn. I could picture him in his old green short and a shirt without sleeves. Beads of sweat on his forehead and his blackberry attached to him listening to his "lawn cutting" tunes. At 4:00 he would have gotten in the shower and cleaned up so we could make it 5:00 service at SECC to kick off "date night." We would have gone to dinner and chatted about the week and our future together. He never walked into the bedroom. I knew he wouldn't (I'm not crazy) but I really wanted the whole thing to just be a bad dream. I wanted so badly to go on "date night" with a freshly showered husband. It has been kind of like, "okay God, you have had him for a little over 2 months, you healed him completely, NOW GIVE HIM BACK!"
I am reading a book called From One Widow to Another. It has given me some great insight into how not to get stuck in the depression (I don't like that word - it sounds too permanent) cave. The main theme is discovering who you are without your marriage. I am committed to figuring that out so that I can fulfill God's purpose for my life but I really worry that the next time I see Craig he won't even recognize me. I know this is ridiculous but I really look forward to reuniting with him and telling him exactly what went on after he exited earth. I will start with "later that same afternoon..." and tell him everything, he won't say much but can't you just see this scenario? BUT what if I get up there and I have changed so much that he is just some guy that I met at a frat party (Mad dog '96)!!! God-willing I have a while until I see him again, who will I be by then!?? Someone in my group said he is still here and see what we are doing but I don't know. I think he has a new gig just as much as I do. He will always be a part of lives but I am not sure where he fits into this new life or even where to go from here.
I am starting a new study this summer on Revelations. It is a Beth Moore study and I am have to say I am freaking out. I hope this gets me back in scripture and back on God's path of faith, and a hope-filled life but Beth Moore is intense and I have never done one of hers. It is also with a new group of girls I have never met. so scary.
So please pray for peace and more tinges of hope. Pray that I can begin to feel God's strength again. It feels better even now that some of the feelings out out on cyber-paper but this is the toughest situation I have ever been in and it is tough b/c I feel as if I am going through it alone. I have great friends but they really haven't a clue what I am feeling. God does, I just need to hear from Him like I did when Craig was sick...
Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss you, I am anxious about a millions things and I need you back here but I will see you again...
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Emily's date night with mommy
Emily was really bummed it was the last day of school on Friday. She was bummed about saying good-bye to her reading buddy and Ms. Bouvet. There were tears coming off the bus and for about 30 minutes to follow. I told her about all the fun things that we have planned for the summer with no avail to calm down. I just let her go then she picked up the pieces and we went out to dinner. We went out for date night after dinner. We went the mall to pick out some flip-flops. She had been talking about getting her ears pierced for a while and I thought it was just the thing to kick off the summer. She did really well and was so excited afterwards. I am so glad that she is happy. I plan to do "date-nights" with the girls like Craig and I use to.
sorry for the crappy iPhone pictures. my camera is missing.
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| Before |
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| After :) |
Thursday, May 17, 2012
A time of transition - maybe, that's what we can call it...
The week has been much better than Sunday. I have thought about Sunday's breakdown and why Mother's Day hit so hard. Not only was our family so important but I now realize that I have to completely redefine who I am. I was a wife, a mom and a media buyer. Today I am widow, (I FREAKING hate this word! There has to be a better one somewhere.) a single mom, and a media buyer. Each of those new roles needs definition. It is hard to just jump into something new without pain and suffering but that leads to growth. So Sunday I think I hit suffering pretty hard. It did lead to growth and a new defined challenge or goal, if you will. Things seems to be more of a challenge these days b/c I do not feel the presence of God like I did through Craig sickness. I had so many conversation with him throughout the day that He seemed to be in my head all the time. Now there is so much junk and to-do lists in my head there doesn't seem to be much room for Him. I know b/c of my faith that He has not abandoned my household but I think I am in need of some de-cluttering. That probably means more blogging and reading and a dirty house but I guess that is fine. (I hate a dirty house it seems like I have failed my family when the sinks are riddled with toothpaste but I know this is a stupid pride thing.)
Romans 5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Faith to grace to suffering to perseverance to character to HOPE.
I look back at a year ago a lot and read the merimee journey blog to see what we were doing this time last year. This time last year we were entering into the 4 month break that Craig had. We were trying to live it up as a normal family with two parents working, traveling with kids, grilling out etc. There was always something lurking around and it was hard to keep anxiety in check. I even titled a blog post in early May "a very strange place".
So here we are again in May in a very strange place. One Merimee is gone and the four that remain are once again in a very strange place. I find myself searching Amazon for a Widow's manual on what I am suppose to be doing. When I should be thinking about next steps etc. It is a very strange place. I miss Craig like crazy but on the other hand I have grieved the life that we had since October 4th 2010, is it time to redefine our family and get out of the survival mode mentality. I would love to make that a goal. I hate survival mode. I was such a planner BC (before cancer) and it has made me more of a one-day at a time kind of gal. I will never go back to planning each and every move. That is not God's way at all and it never pans out the way we intend it to so really why bother. I don't mean for that to sound like I am giving up but when you plan to the degree that I use to you miss the DAILY blessing God puts in your life. It is like that cute little expression "Life happens when you are busy planning." I want to live and enjoy my life not just plan it. And I want to teach my girls to live their lives to enjoy it too.
Here is my struggle where is the happy medium between survival mode and mega-planner-crazy-lady? Yet another thing that is going to take some time to soul search etc. Some of you are reading this and thinking is she planning not to plan? (BRENT!!) I guess yes, but I am just trying to be intentional about the next steps we take in this house. God is going to have to guide but right now that is a challenge b/c I can't seem to hear him b/c I am all junked up in my head. And I am going to have to redefine who I am and be intentional about the experiences that I have had in the last year and half but those memories are part of why my head is all junked up and I guess that is why we remain most days in survival mode. See the cycle here? What a mess.
At times I think we have just exchanged cancer for grief. Terminal cancer was challenge to work through and make a part of our lives and make the best of it. I think overall we did pretty darn good, all things considering. There are still some things that I wish I could have done differently but all in all we were taking it one day at a time and work through each thing as they came GOD's way. So now we are settling into a new gig and figuring the same thing, how can we do the best that we can with the situation given and do it God's way? The challenge of physical aliments are gone, the anxiety of when the shoe is going to drop is gone. The suffering of one member of this family is over and that is a relief. One situation is not better than the other they are just different. We do things VERY differently around here than when Craig was alive. Dinner time looks completely different. Sometimes we have a house full of people over and it is a buffet set up rather than a sit down dinner. When we don't have a houseful we are sitting at the counter rather than the table. At first I was thinking this is not the way family dinner should go. It is important to have dinner as a family but does it really matter if it is at the kitchen counter or at a table? I don't think that it does. Sometimes it is on paper plates for easy clean up rather than one parent cleaning up afterwards and the other starting baths. Until they figure out cloning I think we are going with paper plates. So am I ruining family dinner b/c it is not on real plates and at a table? Maybe but for right now that is what works so we are rolling with it. The important stuff like being together as a family and chatting about our day is still intacted so the rest of it is a big "whatever". Just FYI there are statics out there that state that your kids are at a higher risk of joining gangs and getting into trouble if they don't have the feeling of unity that is created by having family dinners at least three times a week. Just putting that out there. I don't see princess Emily in a gang down the road but just to be safe - family dinners it is, it is just on paper plates now!
There are things that I don't miss about Craig being here. Like when I get upset with the girls for lack of listening. I am handling it my way as I did in the past but I don't have someone laying in bed listening in thinking if I just had enough energy I could help out and do it better. So in some ways it is less stressful and in other ways it is more stressful. This is the very long winded way of saying things are just different. Someways better than cancer-island and someways worse but it is just different. Okay so I have rambled enough about change and transition and refining etc. This post was mostly for me to get in writing what is swirling around in my head so I can get on with my workday.
In an upcoming post there will be information on the pancreatic cancer action network house in the tour of homes in Norton Commons 9/29/12 - 10/14/12. Tickets are $16 each and you can tour all 13 houses. It is a lot like Home-a-Rama but it is called Charity Home Celebration. I did an interview with WAVE3 Listens last Friday. Fun stuff. I kind of like being on camera. Productive grieving I guess you could call it. I hope to be able to work in the Pan Can house throughout the weeks the event is going on. Craig's picture is on the marketing material for the house. It is the one from Myrtle Beach and he is holding Hannah on the beach. If you want to buy tickets there is a link below or you can get them through Vanguard Academy. Morgan and Hannah go to school there and Ann Revell , the director, is really the legs that is getting this done in honor of Craig.
http://www.nortoncommons.com/CharityHomeCelebration.html
With all this going on with the Charity Homes Celebration I have decided not to go to Columbus in August. I have decided to narrow our fundraising efforts to two events each year. The first being the mini marathon. Scott's goal is to grow the team year after year so if you are a runner or you think you can become a runner think about joining TEAMHOPE and run with the purple people the week before Derby next year. If you are not a runner think about joining the cheer squad that is on 3rd and Central. That is where I will be. :)
The second for is the Charity Home Celebration. We will participate this year and if all goes well maybe we can make an annual thing of it. We shall see what God has in store.
Narrowing efforts to two events one of those intentional things. I would love to walk in every purple walk and cure this thing but the simple fact of the matter is I hate hitting people up for money, and there is only 24 hours in a day. It is about being very intentional with my time and effort. Craig wanted to raise awareness for this disease and wanted to do what he could for Pan Can BUT not at the expense of time with family and friends. He had to be REALLY intentional with his time b/c he didn't have much and I intent to do the same thing. This is why I am not going to advocacy day in D.C. in June and Columbus in August. Quite frankly work is nuts right now and it will hopefully calm down by June and I am not jumping from one thing to the next. It is not healthy for me or my family. I will pray for those going to D.C. but it is not in the cards for this chick this year.
Craig if there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss you, and I will see you. (and don't read the beginning of this blog post, I don't think you really need to know that I serve dinner on paper plates).
Romans 5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Faith to grace to suffering to perseverance to character to HOPE.
I look back at a year ago a lot and read the merimee journey blog to see what we were doing this time last year. This time last year we were entering into the 4 month break that Craig had. We were trying to live it up as a normal family with two parents working, traveling with kids, grilling out etc. There was always something lurking around and it was hard to keep anxiety in check. I even titled a blog post in early May "a very strange place".
So here we are again in May in a very strange place. One Merimee is gone and the four that remain are once again in a very strange place. I find myself searching Amazon for a Widow's manual on what I am suppose to be doing. When I should be thinking about next steps etc. It is a very strange place. I miss Craig like crazy but on the other hand I have grieved the life that we had since October 4th 2010, is it time to redefine our family and get out of the survival mode mentality. I would love to make that a goal. I hate survival mode. I was such a planner BC (before cancer) and it has made me more of a one-day at a time kind of gal. I will never go back to planning each and every move. That is not God's way at all and it never pans out the way we intend it to so really why bother. I don't mean for that to sound like I am giving up but when you plan to the degree that I use to you miss the DAILY blessing God puts in your life. It is like that cute little expression "Life happens when you are busy planning." I want to live and enjoy my life not just plan it. And I want to teach my girls to live their lives to enjoy it too.
Here is my struggle where is the happy medium between survival mode and mega-planner-crazy-lady? Yet another thing that is going to take some time to soul search etc. Some of you are reading this and thinking is she planning not to plan? (BRENT!!) I guess yes, but I am just trying to be intentional about the next steps we take in this house. God is going to have to guide but right now that is a challenge b/c I can't seem to hear him b/c I am all junked up in my head. And I am going to have to redefine who I am and be intentional about the experiences that I have had in the last year and half but those memories are part of why my head is all junked up and I guess that is why we remain most days in survival mode. See the cycle here? What a mess.
At times I think we have just exchanged cancer for grief. Terminal cancer was challenge to work through and make a part of our lives and make the best of it. I think overall we did pretty darn good, all things considering. There are still some things that I wish I could have done differently but all in all we were taking it one day at a time and work through each thing as they came GOD's way. So now we are settling into a new gig and figuring the same thing, how can we do the best that we can with the situation given and do it God's way? The challenge of physical aliments are gone, the anxiety of when the shoe is going to drop is gone. The suffering of one member of this family is over and that is a relief. One situation is not better than the other they are just different. We do things VERY differently around here than when Craig was alive. Dinner time looks completely different. Sometimes we have a house full of people over and it is a buffet set up rather than a sit down dinner. When we don't have a houseful we are sitting at the counter rather than the table. At first I was thinking this is not the way family dinner should go. It is important to have dinner as a family but does it really matter if it is at the kitchen counter or at a table? I don't think that it does. Sometimes it is on paper plates for easy clean up rather than one parent cleaning up afterwards and the other starting baths. Until they figure out cloning I think we are going with paper plates. So am I ruining family dinner b/c it is not on real plates and at a table? Maybe but for right now that is what works so we are rolling with it. The important stuff like being together as a family and chatting about our day is still intacted so the rest of it is a big "whatever". Just FYI there are statics out there that state that your kids are at a higher risk of joining gangs and getting into trouble if they don't have the feeling of unity that is created by having family dinners at least three times a week. Just putting that out there. I don't see princess Emily in a gang down the road but just to be safe - family dinners it is, it is just on paper plates now!
There are things that I don't miss about Craig being here. Like when I get upset with the girls for lack of listening. I am handling it my way as I did in the past but I don't have someone laying in bed listening in thinking if I just had enough energy I could help out and do it better. So in some ways it is less stressful and in other ways it is more stressful. This is the very long winded way of saying things are just different. Someways better than cancer-island and someways worse but it is just different. Okay so I have rambled enough about change and transition and refining etc. This post was mostly for me to get in writing what is swirling around in my head so I can get on with my workday.
In an upcoming post there will be information on the pancreatic cancer action network house in the tour of homes in Norton Commons 9/29/12 - 10/14/12. Tickets are $16 each and you can tour all 13 houses. It is a lot like Home-a-Rama but it is called Charity Home Celebration. I did an interview with WAVE3 Listens last Friday. Fun stuff. I kind of like being on camera. Productive grieving I guess you could call it. I hope to be able to work in the Pan Can house throughout the weeks the event is going on. Craig's picture is on the marketing material for the house. It is the one from Myrtle Beach and he is holding Hannah on the beach. If you want to buy tickets there is a link below or you can get them through Vanguard Academy. Morgan and Hannah go to school there and Ann Revell , the director, is really the legs that is getting this done in honor of Craig.
http://www.nortoncommons.com/CharityHomeCelebration.html
With all this going on with the Charity Homes Celebration I have decided not to go to Columbus in August. I have decided to narrow our fundraising efforts to two events each year. The first being the mini marathon. Scott's goal is to grow the team year after year so if you are a runner or you think you can become a runner think about joining TEAMHOPE and run with the purple people the week before Derby next year. If you are not a runner think about joining the cheer squad that is on 3rd and Central. That is where I will be. :)
The second for is the Charity Home Celebration. We will participate this year and if all goes well maybe we can make an annual thing of it. We shall see what God has in store.
Narrowing efforts to two events one of those intentional things. I would love to walk in every purple walk and cure this thing but the simple fact of the matter is I hate hitting people up for money, and there is only 24 hours in a day. It is about being very intentional with my time and effort. Craig wanted to raise awareness for this disease and wanted to do what he could for Pan Can BUT not at the expense of time with family and friends. He had to be REALLY intentional with his time b/c he didn't have much and I intent to do the same thing. This is why I am not going to advocacy day in D.C. in June and Columbus in August. Quite frankly work is nuts right now and it will hopefully calm down by June and I am not jumping from one thing to the next. It is not healthy for me or my family. I will pray for those going to D.C. but it is not in the cards for this chick this year.
Craig if there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss you, and I will see you. (and don't read the beginning of this blog post, I don't think you really need to know that I serve dinner on paper plates).
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day
Mother's Day has been the hardest holiday so far. Easter I was still excited for Craig to be cancer free. I was thankful for the true meaning of the holiday for my husband. Our Anniversary was tough but nothing like today.
Craig and I were put together to be parents. Our relationship took hard work but we worked so hard b/c we wanted a strong family unit. My favorite two minutes of the year is when a prayer is said for the moms at church. All the moms there stand and while a prayer is said. Craig would hold my hand so tight and squeeze it during the parts that spoke to him. It was the biggest dose of encouragement during the whole year. When we first started to go to SECC I dreamed of the day that I would be able to stand up to say I was a mom. In years past I've stood with babies in my arms, and kids in the nursery when they were too old to sit with us. I stood there pregnant. I have stood there with guilt over a bad morning praying for patience. I have stood there praying for direction and sanity. I have stood there with tears of thanksgiving rolling down my face. But it is not the same without someones hand to hold. It is all me. Yes, I have help (lots of it) but when it comes down to it, Emily, Morgan and Hannah are just mine. I dreaded standing there by myself when I thought about it this week. I knew I needed the prayers so I wasn't going to skip church but I knew it would be tough. I had no idea that I would break down in the fashion that I did. I couldn't stand there by myself. I sat down and just cried and cried through the entire prayer. It just hurt too bad to stand there by myself. The other half of this parent unit is gone and it doesn't seem like much of a unit with that piece missing.
It is so hard to be a single mom. There isn't anyone around all the time to tell you you're doing a good job or no you didn't screw them up that bad today. Sigh. I know that I need to be filled up by God's love, patience, peace etc etc but I miss so badly being married to someone that loves my kids as much as I do. To think that is never going to happen in my life again is so hard. I hope to get married again when the time is right but who ever God sees fit will still never love my kids the way Craig did. It could be the most wonderful person on the planet and be the best step-dad in the world but it is still never going to be the same. It was too much to just grin and bare it. I missed him so much during that moment that there wasn't a plaster smile big enough to cover the pain. This was my favorite two minutes of the year now it seems to be the most painful.
Craig if there are blogs in heaven, I miss you, I love you, thanks for making me a mom, and I will see you...
Craig and I were put together to be parents. Our relationship took hard work but we worked so hard b/c we wanted a strong family unit. My favorite two minutes of the year is when a prayer is said for the moms at church. All the moms there stand and while a prayer is said. Craig would hold my hand so tight and squeeze it during the parts that spoke to him. It was the biggest dose of encouragement during the whole year. When we first started to go to SECC I dreamed of the day that I would be able to stand up to say I was a mom. In years past I've stood with babies in my arms, and kids in the nursery when they were too old to sit with us. I stood there pregnant. I have stood there with guilt over a bad morning praying for patience. I have stood there praying for direction and sanity. I have stood there with tears of thanksgiving rolling down my face. But it is not the same without someones hand to hold. It is all me. Yes, I have help (lots of it) but when it comes down to it, Emily, Morgan and Hannah are just mine. I dreaded standing there by myself when I thought about it this week. I knew I needed the prayers so I wasn't going to skip church but I knew it would be tough. I had no idea that I would break down in the fashion that I did. I couldn't stand there by myself. I sat down and just cried and cried through the entire prayer. It just hurt too bad to stand there by myself. The other half of this parent unit is gone and it doesn't seem like much of a unit with that piece missing.
It is so hard to be a single mom. There isn't anyone around all the time to tell you you're doing a good job or no you didn't screw them up that bad today. Sigh. I know that I need to be filled up by God's love, patience, peace etc etc but I miss so badly being married to someone that loves my kids as much as I do. To think that is never going to happen in my life again is so hard. I hope to get married again when the time is right but who ever God sees fit will still never love my kids the way Craig did. It could be the most wonderful person on the planet and be the best step-dad in the world but it is still never going to be the same. It was too much to just grin and bare it. I missed him so much during that moment that there wasn't a plaster smile big enough to cover the pain. This was my favorite two minutes of the year now it seems to be the most painful.
Craig if there are blogs in heaven, I miss you, I love you, thanks for making me a mom, and I will see you...
Yard Day
So we had a bunch of friends over to help out in the yard and build a trampoline for the girls. The trampoline was an "adventure" and lets leave it at that. I really don't know the details of why it took 4 hours but apparently the directions would have been easier if they were written in a different language. After dinner the kids all had great fun on it (minus the broken foot for ViviAnne YIKES).
I have three neighbors that have been cutting it which is a HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE blessing for me. Sometimes we pull into the driveway and the girls ask why they cut our grass for us and I tell them b/c God asked them to. "oh that's nice, glad He sent someone b/c I don't think you could do it." Thanks for the vote of confidence but they aren't lying, that is just not my cup of tea.
I wanted to get the trampoline built and get the rest of the deck stained this weekend. We (and by "we" I mean Jason) also put in a little veggie garden. I bought a new grill that seems more manageable than the massive one Craig had. We grilled out and had a great time in the yard. Yard day was a HUGE success. It wasn't far from my thoughts throughout the day that there was someone missing. Although we kept busy all day it wasn't easy to just enjoy the company and be thankful. It was tough to have OUR friends here but Craig wasn't around cracking jokes and quoting movies.
Big thanks to our friends. Our yard has never looked so good.
I have three neighbors that have been cutting it which is a HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE blessing for me. Sometimes we pull into the driveway and the girls ask why they cut our grass for us and I tell them b/c God asked them to. "oh that's nice, glad He sent someone b/c I don't think you could do it." Thanks for the vote of confidence but they aren't lying, that is just not my cup of tea.
I wanted to get the trampoline built and get the rest of the deck stained this weekend. We (and by "we" I mean Jason) also put in a little veggie garden. I bought a new grill that seems more manageable than the massive one Craig had. We grilled out and had a great time in the yard. Yard day was a HUGE success. It wasn't far from my thoughts throughout the day that there was someone missing. Although we kept busy all day it wasn't easy to just enjoy the company and be thankful. It was tough to have OUR friends here but Craig wasn't around cracking jokes and quoting movies.
Big thanks to our friends. Our yard has never looked so good.
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| Josh and Donna, hour #3 with trampoline assembly |
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| Alex helping prepare dinner. He is an AWESOME Godson!! |
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| Working hard |
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| Scott cleaning out the gutters |
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| Kelly and Ethan |
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| Mallory taking a peep outside |
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| ViviAnne waiting for the completed trampoline |
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| Kailyn and Hannah |
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| Bouncing :) |
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| Cooper taking a work break for some good food |
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| chowing down with good friends |
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| Hannah eating her cupcake. Yum! Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, I miss you, I love you, and I will see you... |
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Broken wash machine and derby week recap
The wash machine:
The pace of a single mom with three little girls is crazy! Some days it is all I can do to keep my head above water. Some days I don't. I thought I was doing really well. I prided myself on keeping it all together and getting a lot done during the day. I said to myself, I can do this, we are going to be okay.
Last week deadlines at work, laundry, insurance being messed up (still) and the world caught up with me. Last Sunday it took 5 people to get me through that day. Not b/c I was falling apart and they were picking up the pieces. It was a typical day with three girls. I don't agree with Hilary Clinton on much of anything but her theory that it takes a village to raise a child is something that I am learning to accept. Two years ago I would have disagreed. I would have said something like "no, it takes two parents." It is hard to go from a self-sufficient household to needing help, a lot of help. It is harder to be only 6ish weeks out and not knowing where to build that help in before there is a major meltdown. It is hard to keep going when you don't have someone in your house putting work deadlines in perspective, giving ounces of encouragement throughout the day or sharing the responsibilities of a household. Everyday I go to the mailbox and there is another envelop with a forms that need to be filled out or a follow up phone call for an explanation to wrap something up for Craig. There are people that can help and yes that it is nice but when it comes down to it, it is just me. It is complicated.
The week caught up with me when a belt in the wash machine broke last Sunday. I asked a neighbor to come over and pick up the wet load of laundry that didn't quite get done before the wash machine broke. A friend came to see if he could fix the machine with no such luck. To a typical family a broken wash machine is a inconvenience but that night it was more than just a broken appliance. It was a finale of a week of holding my breathe and thinking, "I'm not sure that I can do this." More than just a wash machine belt snapped that night. It was ugly. I hate that I have to rely on so many people to keep this house going. I hate it. I had kept myself going at a prideful pace and forgot who was going to get me through. Who is always there.
April 30th devotional in Jesus Calling:
When some basic need is lacking - time, energy, money consider yourself blessed. Your very lack is an opportunity to latch onto Me in unashamed dependence. When you begin a day with inadequate resources, you must concentrate your efforts on the present moment. This is where you are meant to live - in the present; it is the place where I always await you. Awareness of your inadequacy is a rich blessing, training you to rely wholeheartedly on Me.
The truth is that self-sufficiency is a myth perpetuated by pride and temporary success. Health and wealth can disappear instantly, as can life itself. Rejoice in your insufficiency know that my Power is made perfect in weakness.
James 1:2; 2 Cor 12:9
I was more ticked off after I read this message. It was very clear that I was doing it all wrong when I thought I had it all figured out. There is no way that I could have kept up with the pace I was maintaining before the belt snapped. It is hard. I miss having someone to keep me going each day but I know there is someone that is always there. He has always provided a wonderful village for me to rely on. He listens to every harsh comment about His plan. He calms me when I am out of patience. He is always there. So I thank you God for that snapped belt that put things in perspective. Thank you for reminding me to set my pride aside and simple thank you for the village of people you have provided. It is hard to let go of my independence and rely on You always but I have learned again and again that my pride simple gets in the way of your ultimate plan each and every day.
Derby wrap-up:
I wish I could update this blog more often. I just don't have the time. This week was Derby week and around Louisville it is like Christmas. People are running from one event to the other. It is a lot of fun but a little crazy, actually a lot crazy. I went to the track Wednesday for Ad Day at the Down as I have done every year. I love ad day!! I have been in advertising for over 10 years so I know a couple people around town in the business. The day at the track is a ton of fun. I wore a huge hat that drove me crazy by the end. Friday was Oaks and I went with a TV stations here in Louisville that I work with. INCREDIBLE SEATS! 3rd row right by the first line. They were great. It was a great time. Pictures to come...
For Derby the girls and I spent the day party hopping to different friends houses. First stop was the Dants, they rented a bounce house so the girls had a blast there! Second stop was the Richardson and they have a sandbox and that is always a good time. It was great to spend the day with friends. The morning was really tough. Most years Craig and I would be throwing the derby party for our friends. So in the morning it was about giving the sinks a final wipe down, getting the tables set up, making the syrup for the mint juleps. It was Craig's party so I knew that I didn't want to continue that tradition by myself this year. Actually I knew that I couldn't pull it off in the fashion that he did so I just didn't attempt it. I missed him like crazy throughout the week. As he stated on the merimeejourney blog, derby week was probably his favorite week of the year. He loved horse racing, bourbon and friends and that about sums up the week here in Louisville. I looked a picture on facebook of him and Chris Richardson taken 2 years ago. He looked amazing. I stayed home that Oaks day b/c I was 7 months pregnant with Hannah at the time and would have been miserable. They had great seats but just the walking to and from the car would have been too much for me at that point. He had an amazing day hanging out with Chris and visiting different friends around the track. I looked at that picture mid-week and thought how could that have been just two years ago?! With all that has gone on in those two years it seems impossible that it was just two years ago that he could enjoy such a high energy day, drinking and betting with friends and now he isn't even here to talk about it. He isn't even here to make the most complicated bets at the track. He isn't here to mix mint juleps for friends. He isn't here to get the house in order for another annual Merimee Derby party. I can't believe what has transpired in the last two years. It is unfreakingbelievable!! There are days that I look back two years ago and I miss him like crazy. We worked so hard on our marriage for so long and we were on the right path and it was stolen. It just seems so incredibly unbelievable. The farther away from March 18th I get the harder it is to remember how much pain he was in and that makes it harder to make sense of this. I was glad that I did keep getting out there this week and being with work friends and high school and college friends but there were times that I just wanted to stay home and cry about who wasn't here to share it with. But with one foot in front of the other, it was overall a great week. I miss him like crazy but I feel so fortunate to have friends to celebrate the week with.
Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, I miss you, I love you, I hate the wash machine you picked out, I miss our derby party and I will see you...
The pace of a single mom with three little girls is crazy! Some days it is all I can do to keep my head above water. Some days I don't. I thought I was doing really well. I prided myself on keeping it all together and getting a lot done during the day. I said to myself, I can do this, we are going to be okay.
Last week deadlines at work, laundry, insurance being messed up (still) and the world caught up with me. Last Sunday it took 5 people to get me through that day. Not b/c I was falling apart and they were picking up the pieces. It was a typical day with three girls. I don't agree with Hilary Clinton on much of anything but her theory that it takes a village to raise a child is something that I am learning to accept. Two years ago I would have disagreed. I would have said something like "no, it takes two parents." It is hard to go from a self-sufficient household to needing help, a lot of help. It is harder to be only 6ish weeks out and not knowing where to build that help in before there is a major meltdown. It is hard to keep going when you don't have someone in your house putting work deadlines in perspective, giving ounces of encouragement throughout the day or sharing the responsibilities of a household. Everyday I go to the mailbox and there is another envelop with a forms that need to be filled out or a follow up phone call for an explanation to wrap something up for Craig. There are people that can help and yes that it is nice but when it comes down to it, it is just me. It is complicated.
The week caught up with me when a belt in the wash machine broke last Sunday. I asked a neighbor to come over and pick up the wet load of laundry that didn't quite get done before the wash machine broke. A friend came to see if he could fix the machine with no such luck. To a typical family a broken wash machine is a inconvenience but that night it was more than just a broken appliance. It was a finale of a week of holding my breathe and thinking, "I'm not sure that I can do this." More than just a wash machine belt snapped that night. It was ugly. I hate that I have to rely on so many people to keep this house going. I hate it. I had kept myself going at a prideful pace and forgot who was going to get me through. Who is always there.
April 30th devotional in Jesus Calling:
When some basic need is lacking - time, energy, money consider yourself blessed. Your very lack is an opportunity to latch onto Me in unashamed dependence. When you begin a day with inadequate resources, you must concentrate your efforts on the present moment. This is where you are meant to live - in the present; it is the place where I always await you. Awareness of your inadequacy is a rich blessing, training you to rely wholeheartedly on Me.
The truth is that self-sufficiency is a myth perpetuated by pride and temporary success. Health and wealth can disappear instantly, as can life itself. Rejoice in your insufficiency know that my Power is made perfect in weakness.
James 1:2; 2 Cor 12:9
I was more ticked off after I read this message. It was very clear that I was doing it all wrong when I thought I had it all figured out. There is no way that I could have kept up with the pace I was maintaining before the belt snapped. It is hard. I miss having someone to keep me going each day but I know there is someone that is always there. He has always provided a wonderful village for me to rely on. He listens to every harsh comment about His plan. He calms me when I am out of patience. He is always there. So I thank you God for that snapped belt that put things in perspective. Thank you for reminding me to set my pride aside and simple thank you for the village of people you have provided. It is hard to let go of my independence and rely on You always but I have learned again and again that my pride simple gets in the way of your ultimate plan each and every day.
Derby wrap-up:
I wish I could update this blog more often. I just don't have the time. This week was Derby week and around Louisville it is like Christmas. People are running from one event to the other. It is a lot of fun but a little crazy, actually a lot crazy. I went to the track Wednesday for Ad Day at the Down as I have done every year. I love ad day!! I have been in advertising for over 10 years so I know a couple people around town in the business. The day at the track is a ton of fun. I wore a huge hat that drove me crazy by the end. Friday was Oaks and I went with a TV stations here in Louisville that I work with. INCREDIBLE SEATS! 3rd row right by the first line. They were great. It was a great time. Pictures to come...
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| Oaks 2010 |
Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, I miss you, I love you, I hate the wash machine you picked out, I miss our derby party and I will see you...
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Derby Week: Mini Marathon, guest blogger Scott Deitz
I never really supported anything in my life (besides my Chicago sports teams), but when I got the news October 4, 2010 that Craig had pancreatic cancer I was like everybody else and thought that's bad, Patrick Swayze had that. I never gave up hope and I did a lot of research, I thought if they took out Craig's pancreas, and took half my liver and gave it to him problem solved. Apparently there is more to it then that, but Craig appreciated the offer of the liver.
I spent a lot of time over at the Merimees house the last several weeks Craig was alive doing odds and ends around the house. I would actually get excited when Michelle would call and say that a light bulb needed to be changed in a ceiling fan or she needs her light fixture painted, or we are hungry get us some Qdoba. Any excuse to go over and see my great friend. He was usually sleeping and was losing weight, but I still thought it could turn around. Michelle teases me that I still think he will get better and I really did. The morning when Michelle called and said that he went to the hospital you knew the time was coming quickly were Craig would be out of pain and at Home.
Last year myself, Chris and Janelle Richardson and Jamie Baker ran in the mini-marathon, and we had purple run shirts made up that read "Think the mini is hard try Cancer, pancreatic cancer awareness". Before, during and after the run we had people come up to us and ask about our shirts and we would tell them about Craig and they would tell us about there dad, or brother, or mom who battled the disease. It was amazing how many people had been affected by pancreatic cancer, and that was just the ones we saw during a 13.1 mile run.
So several months ago we decided to create a run team and raise some money for pancreatic cancer research. Craig gave me a website to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network and with his blessing we created team Craig's Hope. Myself, Jamie Baker, and Scott Dant joined the team and started campaigning for donations and support. Through Facebook, emails, and by word of mouth we raised $4,582.78. We each had our own reasons for running on the team, because Craig was such a infectious guy that once you met him, you could not not like him. I ran because Craig was like a brother to me, and I know that he would do anything I would ask of him to help me. I wanted to raise money to find a cure for this disease because I don't want somebody else to feel the pain and sorrow I felt the day I had to carry my friend to his grave sight. It would have been cool to see Craig on the side of the road again this year cheering us on like he did last year, but I know he was cheering from a better view.
Team Craig's Hope finished the 13.1 mile run this past Saturday with Jamie crossing the finish line first, then Scott Dant, and then me (as team captain I wanted to make sure nobody fell out of the race). It was a beautiful day (contrary to the forecast) and we had a great cheering section of Michelle, Gwen, Janelle, Chris, Sara, Liz, Emily, Morgan, Kailyn, Alex, Hayden, Abby, Amelia, Anna, Emma, Riley, and Jacob. Luckily there were no Elvises running by any of us so we were all spotted and given the encouragement to continue the last 4 miles.
So next year we need to be bigger and better. We need to turn the race purple, we need more runners, and cheerleaders. We need more support so check your calenders and I believe the mini next year is on April 27, 2013. You don't have to run, you can walk, crawl, push a stroller, whatever. Join the team and lets raise some money. Craig worked hard in the short time he was here to make changes when it comes to pancreatic cancer. Now it is up to us to pick up were he left off and stop this disease.
I spent a lot of time over at the Merimees house the last several weeks Craig was alive doing odds and ends around the house. I would actually get excited when Michelle would call and say that a light bulb needed to be changed in a ceiling fan or she needs her light fixture painted, or we are hungry get us some Qdoba. Any excuse to go over and see my great friend. He was usually sleeping and was losing weight, but I still thought it could turn around. Michelle teases me that I still think he will get better and I really did. The morning when Michelle called and said that he went to the hospital you knew the time was coming quickly were Craig would be out of pain and at Home.
Last year myself, Chris and Janelle Richardson and Jamie Baker ran in the mini-marathon, and we had purple run shirts made up that read "Think the mini is hard try Cancer, pancreatic cancer awareness". Before, during and after the run we had people come up to us and ask about our shirts and we would tell them about Craig and they would tell us about there dad, or brother, or mom who battled the disease. It was amazing how many people had been affected by pancreatic cancer, and that was just the ones we saw during a 13.1 mile run.
So several months ago we decided to create a run team and raise some money for pancreatic cancer research. Craig gave me a website to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network and with his blessing we created team Craig's Hope. Myself, Jamie Baker, and Scott Dant joined the team and started campaigning for donations and support. Through Facebook, emails, and by word of mouth we raised $4,582.78. We each had our own reasons for running on the team, because Craig was such a infectious guy that once you met him, you could not not like him. I ran because Craig was like a brother to me, and I know that he would do anything I would ask of him to help me. I wanted to raise money to find a cure for this disease because I don't want somebody else to feel the pain and sorrow I felt the day I had to carry my friend to his grave sight. It would have been cool to see Craig on the side of the road again this year cheering us on like he did last year, but I know he was cheering from a better view.
Team Craig's Hope finished the 13.1 mile run this past Saturday with Jamie crossing the finish line first, then Scott Dant, and then me (as team captain I wanted to make sure nobody fell out of the race). It was a beautiful day (contrary to the forecast) and we had a great cheering section of Michelle, Gwen, Janelle, Chris, Sara, Liz, Emily, Morgan, Kailyn, Alex, Hayden, Abby, Amelia, Anna, Emma, Riley, and Jacob. Luckily there were no Elvises running by any of us so we were all spotted and given the encouragement to continue the last 4 miles.
So next year we need to be bigger and better. We need to turn the race purple, we need more runners, and cheerleaders. We need more support so check your calenders and I believe the mini next year is on April 27, 2013. You don't have to run, you can walk, crawl, push a stroller, whatever. Join the team and lets raise some money. Craig worked hard in the short time he was here to make changes when it comes to pancreatic cancer. Now it is up to us to pick up were he left off and stop this disease.
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| The cheerleading squad on 3rd and Central |
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| Scott Dant |
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| Scott Deitz |
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| Baker family and Jamie's guns |
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| Scott and his banana and Michelle |
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| beer after the race |
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| 32 degrees after dinner later that night with the team |
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| Everyone |
Here is the clip of Michelle on WLKY. This is the live shot.
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