A time of transition - maybe, that's what we can call it...

The week has been much better than Sunday. I have thought about Sunday's breakdown and why Mother's Day hit so hard. Not only was our family so important but I now realize that I have to completely redefine who I am. I was a wife, a mom and a media buyer. Today I am widow, (I FREAKING hate this word! There has to be a better one somewhere.) a single mom, and a media buyer. Each of those new roles needs definition. It is hard to just jump into something new without pain and suffering but that leads to growth. So Sunday I think I hit suffering pretty hard. It did lead to growth and a new defined challenge or goal, if you will. Things seems to be more of a challenge these days b/c I do not feel the presence of God like I did through Craig sickness. I had so many conversation with him throughout the day that He seemed to be in my head all the time. Now there is so much junk and to-do lists in my head there doesn't seem to be much room for Him. I know b/c of my faith that He has not abandoned my household but I think I am in need of some de-cluttering. That probably means more blogging and reading and a dirty house but I guess that is fine. (I hate a dirty house it seems like I have failed my family when the sinks are riddled with toothpaste but I know this is a stupid pride thing.)

Romans 5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. 

Faith  to grace to suffering to perseverance to character to HOPE.

I look back at a year ago a lot and read the merimee journey blog to see what we were doing this time last year. This time last year we were entering into the 4 month break that Craig had. We were trying to live it up as a normal family with two parents working, traveling with kids, grilling out etc. There was always something lurking around and it was hard to keep anxiety in check. I even titled a blog post in early May "a very strange place".

So here we are again in May in a very strange place. One Merimee is gone and the four that remain are once again in a very strange place. I find myself searching Amazon for a Widow's manual on what I am suppose to be doing. When I should be thinking about next steps etc. It is a very strange place. I miss Craig like crazy but on the other hand I have grieved the life that we had since October 4th 2010, is it time to redefine our family and get out of the survival mode mentality. I would love to make that a goal. I hate survival mode. I was such a planner BC (before cancer) and it has made me more of a one-day at a time kind of gal. I will never go back to planning each and every move. That is not God's way at all and it never pans out the way we intend it to so really why bother. I don't mean for that to sound like I am giving up but when you plan to the degree that I use to you miss the DAILY blessing God puts in your life. It is like that cute little expression "Life happens when you are busy planning." I want to live and enjoy my life not just plan it. And I want to teach my girls to live their lives to enjoy it too.

Here is my struggle where is the happy medium between survival mode and mega-planner-crazy-lady? Yet another thing that is going to take some time to soul search etc. Some of you are reading this and thinking is she planning not to plan? (BRENT!!) I guess yes, but I am just trying to be intentional about the next steps we take in this house. God is going to have to guide but right now that is a challenge b/c I can't seem to hear him b/c I am all junked up in my head. And I am going to have to redefine who I am and be intentional about the experiences that I have had in the last year and half but those memories are part of why my head is all junked up and I guess that is why we remain most days in survival mode. See the cycle here? What a mess.

At times I think we have just exchanged cancer for grief. Terminal cancer was challenge to work through and make a part of our lives and make the best of it. I think overall we did pretty darn good, all things considering. There are still some things that I wish I could have done differently but all in all we were taking it one day at a time and work through each thing as they came GOD's way. So now we are settling into a new gig and figuring the same thing, how can we do the best that we can with the situation given and do it God's way? The challenge of physical aliments are gone, the anxiety of when the shoe is going to drop is gone. The suffering of one member of this family is over and that is a relief. One situation is not better than the other they are just different. We do things VERY differently around here than when Craig was alive. Dinner time looks completely different. Sometimes we have a house full of people over and it is a buffet set up rather than a sit down dinner. When we don't have a houseful we are sitting at the counter rather than the table. At first I was thinking this is not the way family dinner should go. It is important to have dinner as a family but does it really matter if it is at the kitchen counter or at a table? I don't think that it does. Sometimes it is on paper plates for easy clean up rather than one parent cleaning up afterwards and the other starting baths. Until they figure out cloning I think we are going with paper plates. So am I ruining family dinner b/c it is not on real plates and at a table? Maybe but for right now that is what works so we are rolling with it. The important stuff like being together as a family and chatting about our day is still intacted so the rest of it is a big "whatever". Just FYI there are statics out there that state that your kids are at a higher risk of joining gangs and getting into trouble if they don't have the feeling of unity that is created by having family dinners at least three times a week. Just putting that out there. I don't see princess Emily in a gang down the road but just to be safe - family dinners it is, it is just on paper plates now!

There are things that I don't miss about Craig being here. Like when I get upset with the girls for lack of listening. I am handling it my way as I did in the past but I don't have someone laying in bed listening in thinking if I just had enough energy I could help out and do it better. So in some ways it is less stressful and in other ways it is more stressful. This is the very long winded way of saying things are just different. Someways better than cancer-island and someways worse but it is just different. Okay so I have rambled enough about change and transition and refining etc. This post was mostly for me to get in writing what is swirling around in my head so I can get on with my workday.


In an upcoming post there will be information on the pancreatic cancer action network house in the tour of homes in Norton Commons 9/29/12 - 10/14/12. Tickets are $16 each and you can tour all 13 houses. It is a lot like Home-a-Rama but it is called Charity Home Celebration. I did an interview with WAVE3 Listens last Friday. Fun stuff. I kind of like being on camera. Productive grieving I guess you could call it. I hope to be able to work in the Pan Can house throughout the weeks the event is going on. Craig's picture is on the marketing material for the house. It is the one from Myrtle Beach and he is holding Hannah on the beach. If you want to buy tickets there is a link below or you can get them through Vanguard Academy. Morgan and Hannah go to school there and Ann Revell , the director, is really the legs that is getting this done in honor of Craig.
 http://www.nortoncommons.com/CharityHomeCelebration.html

With all this going on with the Charity Homes Celebration I have decided not to go to Columbus in August. I have decided to narrow our fundraising efforts to two events each year. The first being the mini marathon. Scott's goal is to grow the team year after year so if you are a runner or you think you can become a runner think about joining TEAMHOPE and run with the purple people the week before Derby next year. If you are not a runner think about joining the cheer squad that is on 3rd and Central. That is where I will be. :)

The second for is the Charity Home Celebration. We will participate this year and if all goes well maybe we can make an annual thing of it. We shall see what God has in store.

Narrowing efforts to two events one of those intentional things. I would love to walk in every purple walk and cure this thing but the simple fact of the matter is I hate hitting people up for money, and there is only 24 hours in a day. It is about being very intentional with my time and effort. Craig wanted to raise awareness for this disease and wanted to do what he could for Pan Can BUT not at the expense of time with family and friends. He had to be REALLY intentional with his time b/c he didn't have much and I intent to do the same thing. This is why I am not going to advocacy day in D.C. in June and Columbus in August. Quite frankly work is nuts right now and it will hopefully calm down by June and I am not jumping from one thing to the next. It is not healthy for me or my family. I will pray for those going to D.C. but it is not in the cards for this chick this year.

 Craig if there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss you, and I will see you. (and don't read the beginning of this blog post, I don't think you really need to know that I serve dinner on paper plates).