Broken wash machine and derby week recap

The wash machine:
The pace of a single mom with three little girls is crazy! Some days it is all I can do to keep my head above water. Some days I don't. I thought I was doing really well. I prided myself on keeping it all together and getting a lot done during the day. I said to myself, I can do this, we are going to be okay.

Last week deadlines at work, laundry, insurance being messed up (still) and the world caught up with me. Last Sunday it took 5 people to get me through that day. Not b/c I was falling apart and they were picking up the pieces. It was a typical day with three girls. I don't agree with Hilary Clinton on much of anything but her theory that it takes a village to raise a child is something that I am learning to accept. Two years ago I would have disagreed. I would have said something like "no, it takes two parents." It is hard to go from a self-sufficient household to needing help, a lot of help. It is harder to be only 6ish weeks out and not knowing where to build that help in before there is a major meltdown. It is hard to keep going when you don't have someone in your house putting work deadlines in perspective, giving ounces of encouragement throughout the day or sharing the responsibilities of a household. Everyday I go to the mailbox and there is another envelop with a forms that need to be filled out or a follow up phone call for an explanation to wrap something up for Craig.  There are people that can help and yes that it is nice but when it comes down to it, it is just me. It is complicated.
The week caught up with me when a belt in the wash machine broke last Sunday. I asked a neighbor to come over and pick up the wet load of laundry that didn't quite get done before the wash machine broke. A friend came to see if he could fix the machine with no such luck. To a typical family a broken wash machine is a inconvenience but that night it was more than just a broken appliance. It was a finale of a week of holding my breathe and thinking, "I'm not sure that I can do this." More than just a wash machine belt snapped that night. It was ugly. I hate that I have to rely on so many people to keep this house going. I hate it. I had kept myself going at a prideful pace and forgot who was going to get me through. Who is always there.

April 30th devotional in Jesus Calling:
When some basic need is lacking - time, energy, money consider yourself blessed. Your very lack is an opportunity to latch onto Me in unashamed dependence. When you begin a day with inadequate resources, you must concentrate your efforts on the present moment. This is where you are meant to live - in the present; it is the place where I always await you. Awareness of your inadequacy is a rich blessing, training you to rely wholeheartedly on Me.
The truth is that self-sufficiency is a myth perpetuated by pride and temporary success. Health and wealth can disappear instantly, as can life itself. Rejoice in your insufficiency know that my Power is made perfect in weakness.
James 1:2; 2 Cor 12:9

I was more ticked off after I read this message. It was very clear that I was doing it all wrong when I thought I had it all figured out. There is no way that I could have kept up with the pace I was maintaining before the belt snapped. It is hard. I miss having someone to keep me going each day but I know there is someone that is always there. He has always provided a wonderful village for me to rely on. He listens to every harsh comment about His plan. He calms me when I am out of patience. He is always there. So I thank you God for that snapped belt that put things in perspective. Thank you for reminding me to set my pride aside and simple thank you for the village of people you have provided. It is hard to let go of my independence and rely on You always but I have learned again and again that my pride simple gets in the way of your ultimate plan each and every day.

Derby wrap-up:
I wish I could update this blog more often. I just don't have the time. This week was Derby week and around Louisville it is like Christmas. People are running from one event to the other. It is a lot of fun but a little crazy, actually a lot crazy. I went to the track Wednesday for Ad Day at the Down as I have done every year. I love ad day!! I have been in advertising for over 10 years so I know a couple people around town in the business. The day at the track is a ton of fun. I wore a huge hat that drove me crazy by the end. Friday was Oaks and I went with a TV stations here in Louisville that I work with. INCREDIBLE SEATS! 3rd row right by the first line. They were great. It was a great time. Pictures to come...

For Derby the girls and I spent the day party hopping to different friends houses. First stop was the Dants, they rented a bounce house so the girls had a blast there! Second stop was the Richardson and they have a sandbox and that is always a good time. It was great to spend the day with friends. The morning was really tough. Most years Craig and I would be throwing the derby party for our friends. So in the morning it was about giving the sinks a final wipe down, getting the tables set up, making the syrup for the mint juleps. It was Craig's party so I knew that I didn't want to continue that tradition by myself this year. Actually I knew that I couldn't pull it off in the fashion that he did so I just didn't attempt it. I missed him like crazy throughout the week. As he stated on the merimeejourney blog, derby week was probably his favorite week of the year. He loved horse racing, bourbon and friends and that about sums up the week here in Louisville. I looked a picture on facebook of him and Chris Richardson taken 2 years ago. He looked amazing. I stayed home that Oaks day b/c I was 7 months pregnant with Hannah at the time and would have been miserable. They had great seats but just the walking to and from the car would have been too much for me at that point. He had an amazing day hanging out with Chris and visiting different friends around the track. I looked at that picture mid-week and thought how could that have been just two years ago?! With all that has gone on in those two years it seems impossible that it was just two years ago that he could enjoy such a high energy day, drinking and betting with friends and now he isn't even here to talk about it. He isn't even here to make the most complicated bets at the track. He isn't here to mix mint juleps for friends. He isn't here to get the house in order for another annual Merimee Derby party. I can't believe what has transpired in the last two years. It is unfreakingbelievable!! There are days that I look back two years ago and I miss him like crazy. We worked so hard on our marriage for so long and we were on the right path and it was stolen. It just seems so incredibly unbelievable. The farther away from March 18th I get the harder it is to remember how much pain he was in and that makes it harder to make sense of this. I was glad that I did keep getting out there this week and being with work friends and high school and college friends but there were times that I just wanted to stay home and cry about who wasn't here to share it with. But with one foot in front of the other, it was overall a great week. I miss him like crazy but I feel so fortunate to have friends to celebrate the week with.

Oaks 2010

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, I miss you, I love you, I hate the wash machine you picked out, I miss our derby party and I will see you...