I am so covered with grief right now, I barely recognize myself and my own thoughts. I read the blog from last year and I feel like I know that person but my emotions just don't match that person any more. I really can't describe where I am but I know that I want to find a way to get through this. I want to work through these emotions but for most part I feel very stuck here at the present time. It is overwhelming in every way right now. I am putting one foot in front of the other each day and hoping that it gets easier. I want to get back to trusting, hope-filled and even joyful place that God intents for me to be in. Each step of the cancer journey I felt God's presence and I am so saturated in grief that is hard to feel much of anything but that.
Most days are a roller coaster of emotions from sadness of missing Craig and marriage in general to being overwhelmed by so much responsibility on my shoulders to tinges to hopeful that God has a plan to make this all "okay" some days. But right now it feels far from okay. If I see you and need a ridiculous amount of encouragement please forgive me, I swear I wish I wasn't such a high maintenance friend right now. I want so badly to be that friend that people call to go out and have a good time but right now I am simply struggling. I hate how selfish I have become too. A lot of what got us through the cancer journey was praying and learning to have empathy for others. It brought great joy and peace to pray for others and to encourage others through their struggling. I want to be back there SOOOOO badly. I hate where I am right now.
Saturday Hannah was napping and Emily and Morgan were playing outside. I was reading on my bed and I stop for a minute and just begged God to let Craig walk into the bedroom ringing with sweat after he finished mowing the lawn. I could picture him in his old green short and a shirt without sleeves. Beads of sweat on his forehead and his blackberry attached to him listening to his "lawn cutting" tunes. At 4:00 he would have gotten in the shower and cleaned up so we could make it 5:00 service at SECC to kick off "date night." We would have gone to dinner and chatted about the week and our future together. He never walked into the bedroom. I knew he wouldn't (I'm not crazy) but I really wanted the whole thing to just be a bad dream. I wanted so badly to go on "date night" with a freshly showered husband. It has been kind of like, "okay God, you have had him for a little over 2 months, you healed him completely, NOW GIVE HIM BACK!"
I am reading a book called From One Widow to Another. It has given me some great insight into how not to get stuck in the depression (I don't like that word - it sounds too permanent) cave. The main theme is discovering who you are without your marriage. I am committed to figuring that out so that I can fulfill God's purpose for my life but I really worry that the next time I see Craig he won't even recognize me. I know this is ridiculous but I really look forward to reuniting with him and telling him exactly what went on after he exited earth. I will start with "later that same afternoon..." and tell him everything, he won't say much but can't you just see this scenario? BUT what if I get up there and I have changed so much that he is just some guy that I met at a frat party (Mad dog '96)!!! God-willing I have a while until I see him again, who will I be by then!?? Someone in my group said he is still here and see what we are doing but I don't know. I think he has a new gig just as much as I do. He will always be a part of lives but I am not sure where he fits into this new life or even where to go from here.
I am starting a new study this summer on Revelations. It is a Beth Moore study and I am have to say I am freaking out. I hope this gets me back in scripture and back on God's path of faith, and a hope-filled life but Beth Moore is intense and I have never done one of hers. It is also with a new group of girls I have never met. so scary.
So please pray for peace and more tinges of hope. Pray that I can begin to feel God's strength again. It feels better even now that some of the feelings out out on cyber-paper but this is the toughest situation I have ever been in and it is tough b/c I feel as if I am going through it alone. I have great friends but they really haven't a clue what I am feeling. God does, I just need to hear from Him like I did when Craig was sick...
Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss you, I am anxious about a millions things and I need you back here but I will see you again...
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