hitting the pause button

I read my last blog post about the intensity of the situation waining: Ha. not so much now that that the holiday season is upon us.

We went to Chicago for Thanksgiving. My brother lives there. It was on purpose that we were planning on doing something different this year. It would take away from the intensity that there was someone missing at the dinner table. It worked, although Craig was missed in so many other ways this past weekend but it was good to be away. I can't tell you how much I miss someone loving my kids in the way that I do. We have an awesome support system and people love my kids but the love between a parent and child is like no other. The fact that they only get that daily from one parent is devastating to me right now. No one gets a child like a parent does. God designed a family with a mom and a dad for a reason. Although I trust God's plan I can't help but to question it when it comes to the girls. I hate to be negative Nelly but regardless how many friends I have that love my girls, I am a single mom and they only have one parent on earth to love and care for them. I know the legacy that Craig left behind is a great one and they are blessed to have a dad like him but I still have to grieve the loss of my family of 5. I have hope we will be a family of 5+ depending on what God has in store for us in the future but the simple fact that we are not the Merimee Family as originally intented deserves a long pause for some grieving time.

It is hard to write on this blog. It is not like the Merimee Journey. That situation we were getting through a struggle, this phase of the journey we are trying to figure out how to live with loss and process past memories. Writing here is different. I can't descibe it very well but it the reason this blog isnt updated as much as the last one. There were events in the cancer journey that sparked feelings that need to be expressed. Same with this one but they are not scans or last times... it is first times and how can we continue to move forward. I dont want it to be repetitve. I guess I need to write for me and for God rather than an audience of blog followers though. hmmm... I have thought about this a lot before the Thanksgiving break... maybe more to come...

Emily and Morgan went to Chicago with Craig in early fall 2011. I was supposed to go but I just needed a weekend at home, I was struggling so they went ahead without me and Hannah. When we arrived in Chicago this past weekend memories of that trip flooded back for Emily and Morgan. They talked about where Daddy slept in Brad's apartment, what they saw, what bus and train they road on around the city that weekend. They have so many great memories of that trip. I so happy for them and heartbroken at the same time. This weekend we went to the Science and Industry Museum on Friday morning. The Christmas exhibit was the history of Snoopy. This center of the museums was all Snoopy stuff. Craig loved the peanuts. Most cards he bough people were Snoopy. Early in our marriage I enstated a no-Snoopy card policy for my cards. :) We have several Snoopy ornaments on our Christmas tree. Craig's lovey was a snoopy stuffed animal when he was a baby. It was hard walking through the museum, he would have loved it. I hate that he missed it.

As we road on the bus to the parade Thursday morning, Emily was talking about one of her memories from the trip with Craig in 2011.  I was missing him so badly at the moment. A man stepped on the bus. He was an older man maybe in his 70s. He was so thin, I could see the bones in the back of his skull and his eye were sunk in. He was healthy enough to get on and off the bus and walk through the streets of Chicago but how thin and fragile he looked reminded me how very sick and fragile Craig was. The last weeks of his life I could see every bone in his body through yellowish fragile skin. I am still so thankful that he is healed from cancer and he is happy and at Home but at this point for me I am in a place of "now what". What do we those memories, (the good and the bad)? What am I supposed to next? I thought I had some of it figured out but the holidays have reminded me of what has been lost and I am once again taken back by how much has changed in two years time.

At times I feel stupid. I stayed very day to day and I think a lot of people were way ahead of me thinking about our future without Craig. I am sure that there are people out that thought "what is she going to do when..." and I my response would be I will cross that bridge when we get there. I really wanted to just put one foot in front of the other and we are doing pretty good at that. We pause and grieve when we need to but keep moving forward. I don't want to get to the point where I am just so bitter about life going on so it does take me some time to really think about the past and what the future holds. My day to day thinking was really based on scripture.

Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I know that my future is in God's hands and I need to just concentrate on today. I am sure to some people I looked and sounded ridiculous when I said we were doing good. We are doing good, except when we are not. The "not" times usually end up on this blog. It is great way to think through some of these things that get stuck in my head at times. And right now I am stuck and not sure what is the next step to keep moving. I had plans to go to the Dave Matthews Band concert next week and it sounds like torture right now. I want to make fun plans and keep moving in the right direction but right now I am at a stopping point. The holidays remind me of what we have lost and to try to have fun through that doesn't seem feasible. Ugh, I am so ticked off at that DARN pancreas.

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, I hope you are having a good time b/c quite frankly I am pretty ticked off at your pancreas.