Writen last week: (perpective from this week - coming soon)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVbfcxgMkA4&feature=youtu.be
I saw this video on WAY-FM facebook page after hearing about it on the radio early that day. I love this song but even more now that I have seen this video. It is a great illustration of what every Christain mama does each day. We try to sing the praises of the Lord, while tending to our children, working hard at our jobs, and maintain the relationships that means so much... and well we hope to look good while doing it. :) I think this is a perfect picture of a mama doing just that. Love it.
On December 13th 2005 Emily Michelle Merimee entered my world and made me that mama. She was a delight from the beginning. Her birthday reminds me that she is such a gift. She is an amazing leader and she makes me want to continue to be a better mom. She is so intelligent, and talented. This last week and weekend we celebrated her 7th birthday. We had dinner and cake with the Grandmas on Thursday and then on Friday we had two fabulous friend spend the night. (pictures to come) She is growing into a fabulous little lady and she makes me want to be a better person in the same way that her Daddy did.
December has been tough. We have been really busy with all the girls activities and Christmas coming up soon. Busy is good but the times that I have time to sit and think I am crushed that Craig is no longer here. Last year we tried to make Christmas as normal as possible. We stayed in the moment and that was the right thing to do but that leaves this year with a lot to think through. This time last year Craig had decided to discontinue treatment but he was feeling good. Things were relatively normal besides the occasional nap and the fact that neither one of were working. We still got to shop together and eat out sometimes. Hang with the girls and watch movies. Although the gradual decline was there we were still enjoying life.
This month I have struggled with the fact that I thought I was ready to let Craig go back in March. I wanted him here but not in the condition he had to live. I knew that he would have a better life in heaven but there are times I that I miss him so very badly that I can't fathom why I thought that. With the holidays upon on us I feel like I am back at square one in the grief process. With time I have forgotten how very sick he was and just remember him and that I miss. I struggle with keeping my concentration for long periods of time. It is really frustrating. To be able to do something that you could do in your sleep but not be able to concentrate long enough to get it done is maddening. There are so many things that are frustrating right now and I am doing my best to stay in His word and cling to Him but it is tiring. I know that all these emotions are things that I have to work through and it will take time. I hate to wish my life away but if we could fast forward through the first Christmas without Craig, the first New Year without Craig and even his 35th birthday I wouldn't mind it. I know that is not how it can be done. I hope to be able to cling to the Lord and walk through the fire and maybe even find joy in the days by focusing on the true meaning. I know that if I do this then I hope to help someone in the future that is going through a time of grief during the holidays.
No comments:
Post a Comment