anticipation

The anticipation of March 18th has been weighing on me. It seems there is a certain expectation on this day to fall apart. I have taken the day off work just in case I cannot see my computer monitor through the tears. Remembering where we were this time last year is harder than thinking about how Craig was healed on March 18th at 1:10 in the afternoon. Looking back at the Merimee Journey blog and thinking about life at the end of February and the beginning of March brought tears to my eyes. The pain that Craig experienced I don't miss witnessing. The anxiety of when his death would occur and was I doing everything the "right" way, I do not miss. The constant iphone alarm every 2 hour to take pain meds so that he would simply sleep more and be more confused than 2 hours prior, I don't miss. I don't think that I will fall apart on March 18th. I think I will feel a level of relief that I did when he took his last breath. I hope to take the day to remember that he is cancer-free and in paradise. I hope to be relieved that the 1st year is behind us and hopefully the expectations of how to do this grief thing "right" will ease up a bit.

Before this journey I would have defined grief as missing someone a lot. There is a lot more to it than just occasionally thinking, Hmmmm wish they were here. I have said it before, it changes every aspect of life. From laundry to relationships. From dinner to dreams. The list goes on and on and you can't image in it until you experience it. We are committed to work through each of those things one day at a time God's way but for now I can honestly say I am just exhausted. In February I just needed a break from certain distractions. I just wanted to focus on healing and getting through the anniversary as a whole person rather than pieces. I got off track for a couple weeks and rode an emotional roller coaster. I regret letting a situation get me off track to personal peace when I knew I needed to head that way. Now more than ever I am committed to simplifying some areas of life and getting through March as a whole person rather broken.

This time last year when Craig was so sick I remember yearning for the light at the end of the tunnel for him and our family. I remember going through the study of the old testament at church and thinking we were studying such dry and hard topics. I yearned for the light of the New Testament and the Hope that Jesus brought. Here I am a year later and remember what we endured last year at this time, sitting in a time of grief now and still yearning for the Hope of Easter once again. Although I am not the same person that I was a year ago and the journey ahead has almost a year on the books the Hope of Jesus is still what I crave. I know that in His time He will redeem my family. I know some day I will see Craig again. For the month of March I have to make a commitment to being still so that I can feel His peace and eventually find His Hope.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven miss you more than ever when things get hard. You were a comfy spot that knew me better than anyone. I could count on you. I love you and I will see you again.