Discounted

Written friday: Last night I went to the grief group at SE. I was working through somethings in my heart about this plan that God has for my family. When I hit a bump in the road it throws me back into the mess of "Why?" I had a simple suburb life and when I hit a bump that complicates things the frenzy starts with questions of "Why couldn't I just live the life I had planned?" I struggled with pride a lot. For a time there I felt very discounted. Jeremiah 29:11 says For I know the Plans I have for you to prosper you and not harm you. This has brought comfort but sometimes I have fought with God and asked WHAT WAS SO WRONG WITH MY PLAN THAT WE HAVE TO DO THIS ONE!? My plan was to be married to Craig, to work through our differences, raise our girls, and live the American dream. What was so wrong with Plan A? Never-the-less, I trust His plan. But there has been many conversations with The Lord letting Him know I wasn't digging this Plan B very much. I trust ya Lord but this Plan B just doesn't seem like a very good one right now, I'm willing to ride it out with you but really this one I'm not so sure about it all.

People with great intention sometimes say stuff like, it was God's plan for Craig to die at age 34 and we have to just accept it. Recently I have heard discussion on this topic on WAY-FM especially when talking about the loss of a young child. I don't think that God wants our lives to be cut short we simply live in a fallen world. It is His will that we have the gift of eternal life and whenever our bodies give out then we have a Home to go to. I do think that He builds our bodies strong but they are in fact earthly bodies and have earthly limitations. Do I think that He could have reached down and cleared up Craig's pancreas and liver in a magic wand like fashion? Yes. Why didn't He? I don't flippin' know but to continue to ask those questions will make ya a crazy person and scriptures constantly has the theme, "Do not worry, God's got this." so I am going with that (most of the time anyway).

I am healing and growing through this year. The frenzies are much shorter in length and much less intense as each hurdle comes. I give all the Glory to God for that. Healing without Him is not healing. It is simply move forward. We are doing more than just moving forward. There are days that it is just simply breathing and getting through but with God leading some days we are doing more than that.

http://www.chicagolandwidowed.org/blog/what-i-would-tell-my-newly-widowed-self-monday-january-14-2013
This is great blog post. Here are my additional thoughts on each of the topics.
Your body will feel every inch of your grief so be kind to it.
I have to pat myself on the back for this one. Although around the holidays I was eating comfy food and gained 6 pounds (yuck) overall I have not succumbed to the temptation of overeating or drinking. I think this in large part to the Facing Adversity group that I went to while Craig was sick. I heard story after story of numbing the pain of disappointment with alcohol, drugs or food and then when enough was enough that they were still left with pain and the mess the habit left them. Since the end of January I have added more exercise in the mix and that has been a fabulous help reaching the daily goal of sanity. I have said many times to close friends in my sarcastic way that there should be an award for single parents that aren't alcoholics. Your kids are doing well, and might look like a train-wreck sometimes but you make the good decision not to drink yourself to a comfy place. Here is your certificate of achievement, see ya next year. :) Kidding...kinda.  

Your loss will transform your relationships. and You are not alone…not by any stretch of the imagination.
This has been a tough one to deal with for me. Although I value the new relationships that I have made I miss being a couple so badly. One blog post I never published talked about missing being Craig-n-Michelle. You know the list of people that you go through when you talk about who you are meeting us with this weekend... Gwen-n-Scott, Kristen-n-Brent, Josh-n-Kelly, Jason-n-Christy...I miss being Craig-n-Michelle. But one day I will be a someone-n-Michelle...just not today b/c Ive got some more healing to do.  I do love the new relationships that have developed in this crappy widow club. Crappy reason. Great people.
(future blog post: Who will be at my dinner table in heaven?)

You will actually feel like getting out of bed one day and be happy that the sun is shining and the birds are singing.  I promise.  I promise.  I really do promise.  and You will live with your grief forever but grief will not be your life forever. With the girls I don't have the option to lay in bed and cry. Em and Mor have to be on the bus at 7:15 so when the alarm goes off at 6:00a there isn't an option to roll back over. If I stayed in bed all day then I don't think that would make Craig's legacy live on. He put this family in a wonderful spot before He left. There are times that I have wished for the time to just cry but that is a double edge sword too. I have spend some evening in tears but those are healing tears and each morning is a new day. Some days are easier than others but each day bring healing and closer to the next step for my family.

So this is a long post. I have a lot swirling in my head these days and this is just the tip of the iceberg so thanks for letting type through about a .00000001 of what is on my heart.

Craig, Are you meeting new people there? I know you wanted to hang with your dad and Calvin for a while but what else is going on? There is a bunch of stuff here and then really in the grand scheme of things, not really a whole lot. Anyway, miss you, love you and will see you again.