Normal. One major thing that is so different since Craig died is that I don't share my life with someone. You are probably thinking well duh. But really there is no one on this planet that knows what is going with every piece of my life. This is weird. A home is the hub of a life. Family members come in and out and school, sporting events, dinners, work, church, etc. When you are married you share everything. There is a general exchange of status, events that you divvy out: you pick up there, I have to be here at this time, are you going to be home to do this... blah blah. It is just me. I'm the hub. I have fabulous friends that listen to options and new challenges but when it comes down to it, it is just me and a heck of a lot of prayer. And then there are bigger things like what's next? Are there career moves that I should be making? Are there things that I need to do differently with our money? Should Emily/Morgan/Hannah being investing time in different activities? It is all on me... and God.
To think I am capable of raising three little girls by myself is just crazy. The other night I was chatting it up with God and asking Him why would you give me these fantastic little people and then take our leader away? In a very candid way I said, "You have given me extremely talented people to develop. Each one with their own unique sets of talents, strengths and weaknesses. And I am suppose to figure out how to develop their strengths and work with their weaknesses so they don't hold them back? Have you seen what these three are capable of? Emily is pretty close to a genius and I am not. Hello, you took my genius Home and now what I am suppose to do with her? Last night she informs me that the books I have purchased are too easy. Ugh. She is already smarter than me! Hello! And Morgan is the busiest-bee on the planet. I can keep up with her and we can get things done but my patience wears thin and you took my patient man back Home! And the little one, Hannah Jane, she is joyful and tearful in a two second rebound rate and she won't poop on the potty and I am pretty sure she is a genius like Emily but so goofy you can't see it all the time and you took my consistent, calm potty trainer Home!"
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor 12:7
I kind of figured He would reply with "you are not alone." Gotta Love the Creator of the universe and a being so patient with my crazy conversations. :)
I read the book From One Widow to Another this time last year. It was the closest thing I could find to an instruction manual on how to be a widow. For a time after Craig died I thought I am not taking on this title. Yes, it happened to be but I thought I'm just not gonna do that. I am not taking on that identity. I'll take single mom and then God will hurry up and give me a husband and maybe I'll be a stepmother and I can just skip the whole widow-thing. After much prayer and direction from a dear friend I realized not figuring out who was as a widow wasn't going to bring God any glory. Skipping the title widow wouldn't allow God the opportunity to work through that journey. SOOOOO I dove into From One Widow to Another. The book is very straight forward and there were a lot of aha moments along the way. One concept that is introduced early on is how to combat debilitating fear. Fear that doesn't let you move forward b/c your life looks so different than what you thought it was going to be. The concept of a board of directors helps widows navigate the life change. It took the thought of "it takes a village" one step further for me.
The Widows board of directors:
1. A Godly Widow. This has been a big one for me. I have always been one to feel comfort in numbers. Someone to compare notes with. My theory is yes you might be nuts but at least you have good company. My mom is one of my Godly widows since she lost my dad 11 years ago. Jenny has become a wonderful friend after she lost her husband in Afghanistan on April 4th 2012. And I have a good friend, Jamie who lost his wife, Emily, February 25th, 2012. I follow some blogs for the same reason and even though there is not a group that I can call home with the Internet I have been able to connect with people in similar boats. priceless!
2. A person with Financial Wisdom. Since Craig was in banking he hand-picked these people for me. Virgina Copley and Betsy at BB&T have been so very patient with me throughout this year as I continue to make my way through the ins and outs households budgets, major purchases and investing in the girls education.
3. A practical friend. This one was easy to identify. GWEN. She is about the most practical person I know and she isn't afraid to tell me when I am being ridiculous. Together we can fit the pieces of any puzzle together and make a plan (some plans are better than others but never the less we can get it together in a 15 minute phone call).
4. An encourager. I have to admit I am a little high maintenance in this area. I needed more than one... actually more like 21... I have several friends that are amazing encourager. One of my favorite quotes from one of them is "You're not crazy, your situation is crazy." Awww... good... thought it was me. :) I'm not listing them out, they are in every corner of my life and I have needed them a lot over the past couple years.
5. A person with spiritual discernment and courage. I found this in my Facing Adversity's Group that I use to attend when Craig was sick. Several members of Southeast have been the voice of the Lord when it was too hard to hear Him. Judy Staten at SECC has been there for some tough conversations. Lord has provided in a major way to keep me on track.
6. A relative whose priority is your well-being. I would hope this would be all my relatives. My family has been an amazing support system of prayers and encouragement.
A couple that I would add being a single mom would be:
7. A great mom friend: When moms ban together to support one another it can be a wonderful thing. When you have a single mom, encouragement is even more important.
8. A great teaching staff: The girls have had very understanding teachers that have supported them through the past year.
9. A handy man and a grass cutter. God has provided some wonderful help around here and I will forever grateful.
10. Prayer warriors. I know that we are a functioning, loving, Christ-centered household b/c of our prayer village. The Lord has put my family on many hearts and they have turned prayers into peace and love so that we are a successful thriving household.
As time goes on the board of directors becomes less and less needed as widows combat fear one success at a time. When emotions ran high, I relied on my board of directors more than I should have but I am grateful for each one that the Lord provided.
So much to update so little time.
Topics floating in my head:
-Follow up from the heaven sermon that Kyle included Craig at his table. Who would be at my table?
-TEAMHOPE
-Strong and Courage by Abby Richardson
-Jonah - the series we are doing now. (LOVE IT!)
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