On March 19th I woke up a widow and a single mom. Craig died about 1:15 on the 18th of March, later that night I sat on the couch and wailed and cried and then cried some more with my friend Janelle. There were similar cries in each bedroom that night. Our hearts were broken. I went to bed so incredibly exhausted at 10:00. I flung my body across my bed and slept with Craig's orange and blue Bears blanket. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to stay on my side or sleep on his side so rather than debating it I just laid across the bed on top of the comforter. I missed him already but was so extremely tired. The night before he kept me up the majority of the night in pain even though he was on an extreme amount of pain killers. At 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning he was transported to Norton to be admitted b/c I couldn't take care of him at home any longer. Anyway, I was exhausted so I did sleep that night.
I woke up on Monday, March 19th at 6:30ish in the morning and as soon as I woke I began to pray. Before I could even say or thought a word I felt like Jesus and Craig were looking down on me just waiting for me to wake up. I could not see them physically but I picture there faces side by side, kind of like two parents leaning over a newborn baby's crib waiting for baby-bear to wake up. It was as real as the feeling that I got when I stepped outside the day before and felt the presence of Craig and he was so happy where he was. They were leaning over my bed and just waiting to reassure me they were still here and wanting to walk each minute of that day with me. I was so relieved to have them waiting on me to wake. It was a moment in my life where I didn't even have to seek Jesus out in prayer I knew He was already there and Craig was right there with Him. Since I felt I had their undivided attention I started my prayer: "Jesus this is the first day of being a single mom, please walk each step of the day with me. Please be with my kids as I send them on to school. Be with the teachers and staff that will spend the day with them. Let me have patience with them today. And just get us through today." I didn't have to say anything they were already there to reassure me of their presence but it was a pray that had to be said for my heart.
It hasn't happened since that morning but when I am in church sometimes I have the feeling that Jesus and Craig are hanging out at the same time that we are in worship. I wish I had a physical glimpse of what they were doing all the time but the times that God lets me have those insights of what Craig is doing are such a blessing. I have never been one to really get the whole an angel is watching over you thing. I know that Craig knew that we loved him and he took that love with him but I am not sure what he knows and what we doesn't know about our present day life but I do know where he is and who he is hanging out with which is awesome!!!
Anyway daily life is sooooo incredibly busy these days. We go from one activity to another on the weekends. The girls are hanging out at home with our wonderful nanny, Sarah, during the week and then our weekend usually starts on Friday. We swim with friends, meet up with people for dinner, we go to church picnics, church, art therapy, etc etc. It is really nuts actually. I love it. Most days we are settling into our new normal very well. I am finding the silver lining in being single here and there. Since Craig and I got married soon after college there wasn't any time in my adult life that I have been single. I miss a lot about marriage and hope God blessing me with another husband in His timing (more on this in another post - maybe. No, I am not dating yet, not ready for that) but for now there are things that I enjoy about being by myself. After the girls go to bed I do have a lot of "me" time. I read books, catch up on work items, watch whatever I want to watch on TV, talk on the phone, clean the house, play on facebook, blog, catch up on emails, really it is whatever I want!! This is a good things and very much needed right now. It is not the life that I wanted or planned but I am finding good things about being by myself. For example the master bathroom, no offense guys but you are DIRTY! really dirty. I was scrubbing the bathroom down last week and it took my half the time. One person is much less dirty than two, especially when that one person is a female. When God sees fit and gives me another husband, I will be so thankful to have a dirty bathroom and have to fold boxer shorts again etc etc but for right now I am pretty content with my "me" time and a clean master bath that I don't share. So it is "not so bad" sometimes. Grief is a roller coaster ride so there are times we are fine and there are times that we are not but we are committed to the healing process and committed to doing it His way.
Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss you and I will see you again.
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