Just stuff

There is a family at my church that received similar news that Craig received on October 4th 2010. I am unsure of his prognosis but he has been diagnosed with stage 4 esophagus cancer. He has a beautiful wife and 4 kids. I don't know them personally but we have a couple of mutual friends. They don't have a blog but they have a FB page that they update about every other day with prayer request etc. (Prayers needed Now, prayers for Ben) They have great faith in the Lord. It has been both difficult and humbling to read their updates as well as joyful to know they know the Lord in similar strength as Craig and I did when we heard similar fate as they have heard. His wife has told someone that she has heard from God that Ben will be healed and will live a long life. Someone asked me if I had heard something similar from God when Craig was diagnosed. I replied no but God spoke to my heart and said "without a shadow of a doubt it will be His healing." At the time I took that that He was going to heal Craig fully here on earth as time went on we realized that the only healing of his cancer would be in Heaven. I am still so incredibly thankful that Craig has been healed by the Ultimate Physician I wish it were here on earth but I am so thankful he no longer is suffering.

I hate cancer, I hate that it stole the life that I had planned, and I hate that it stole so many great things from Craig but it didn't steal everything. It couldn't steal Craig's eternal life and it won't steal the faith and hope that I have in God's earthly plan for the rest of my life here. I pray that Ben's Almighty healing is here on earth so that he can be the earthly father that he and his wife have planned.

Today Ben and Lisa updated that he had his port was placed successfully. It was hard to read. I hated Craig's port. It was a constant reminder that cancer was in my house and the skinner he got the more it stuck out on his chest. I think sometimes it bothered him but most the time he just tried to forget about it and thought it was the least of the problem. I remember the day that Dr. Morris said he was going to write orders for a stet placement and the port. I was still holding on to the chance that cancer was not in the cards for us. I knew that when he said port they were longer even thinking we would be that 1% that it wasn't cancer. I remember crying in the hall and telling him that this could not be actually happening, we have three kids at home. I said it like it was going to change his mind. Kind of like I expected him to say "oh really, in that case never mind, it is just a stomach bug." That poor doctor, didn't know what to say. He listened for a long time and then went and wrote the orders for the port placement and the first stet. All this happened so fast that we just began going through the motions of cancer-island. When Ben posted his prayer request for prayers during the port placement all those memories came flooding back. This time they are a part of me, they are a part of my history. They were things that just happened in a step by step motion, it became a part of what I witnessed. One might think that with so much pain in the past what kind of future could be possible for us. But that is not the way that God works. He prepares you for whatever lies ahead, He stands by you as you walk through the fire and then He uses each experience to bring Him glory and help others. So that is what is my future... as He sees fit.

There are a lot of memories or flashbacks that I have about days on cancer island. It is hard to figure out what to do with them. I don't know whether to write post about them and just not publish them. There are things that I don't want to forget and there are things that I think if I write about them then I can leave them in the past. Writing about them may be apart of the healing process. There are some things that I could write about until the end of time and I still will never "get over". The last hours of Craig's life here on earth will forever be etched into my mind and not for good reasons. He was in so much pain and he wasn't physically recognizable. I am not sure how much will be published but I can't let this stuff just sit in my head. I think I would be a crazy women but I haven't figured out where the line is. I guess more to come on that topic, maybe.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, I hate what we have been through, I am jealous that you left the pain down here and you get to rejoice in heaven where there are is no suffering and no tears but I am also so joyful for you. I love you, I miss you and I will see you again.