I miss him

I have never felt like the way that I do at this time. I miss Craig. I feel like I have not seen him in almost 2 years. Although he has only been gone from this earth for almost 3 months so much of our relationship and future changed when he was diagnosed and faded with each stomach ache, lost pound, missed event, naps in the middle of the day, and chemo appointments. I read the Merimee Journey blog and I am instantly reminded how tough life was when Craig was battling cancer, I don't want to go back there. That blog has been such a blessing to be able to remember where we have been so that we can keep taking steps forward. Although we were brutally honestly on that blog was still filtered but it still jogs memories of how hard life was. Memories fill in the blanks of what the blog left out and although life is hard without Craig I wouldn't want him back in the condition he had to live life the majority of the last 6 months of his life. He did so well staying positive while his body deteriorated one pound at a time.

I have to admit even with reading the old blog I am still in shock. My head and heart just keep saying "what the hell just happened to my life." If I could stay in God's word 24/7 it would be wonderful but most the time it just feels like Craig has disappeared from our lives. I know about where he is and I know that he is safe and happy. I grieve with the knowledge that I will see him again but I have to admit I have remind myself of that quite often rather than Craig is just gone. When I am struggling with the girls, it feels like he is just gone. When I go to crack a joke or say something to him that I would only say to him, it feels like he is just gone. When I have a question that only he can answer about our past or the way he feels about something it feels like he is just gone.


The big picture, God-journey is hard to see when you are this close to grief. I really had hoped that I would have stayed as hopeful about life as I did when Craig was sick but right now there is just an emptiness that is hard to remedy at this point in time.


I have faith that God has a plan and He never waste a tear or a struggle to bring Him glory.

So this weekend we are going to Holiday World with my family. I am so very anxious about this trip. It will be the first summer tradition that we do without Craig and the first road trip that I do as a single parent. Although I have help from family it is not the same. It is not that I do not appreciate the help as having to two parents celebrating new memories as a family. There is nothing better than the care of two parents for their kids. So pray that I can ease up on anxiety and enjoy the weekend with my girls. We need this time together to continue to make new memories so I hope that I can focus on that rather than the fact that Craig isn't there.


So before I started my new bible study on Revelation I (almost) finished the book "From One Widow to Another" by Miriam Neff. I highly recommend this read for any widow whether it is a recent event or years later. It has some great insight. Although I feel like it is written for an audience older than I am (duh) there were still a lot of areas that were helpful. Here are some tips for friends and family. Since there aren't too many people that aren't widows reading this book I thought it would be good to copy/paste this list as a reference.

7 tips to help a widow:

1. Please do stay connected. There is already a huge hole in our universe. Do not assume we need ‘space’ to grieve.

2. Please do say you are sorry for our loss. We would rather you tell us you do not know what to say than tell us your story of loosing your friend or even close relative. We may be able to listen to your story later, but not now. Do not tell us you understand.

3. Do call and ask specifically, “Can we go for a walk together? May I run errands for you? Meet you for coffee? Do not say, “Call me if you need anything.”

4. Do refer to our husband’s acts or words—serious or humorous. We are so comforted by knowing our husband has not been forgotten. Do not leave our husbands out of the conversation.

5. Invite us to anything. We may decline but will appreciate being asked. Do not assume we no longer want to participate in couples events.

6. Do accept that we are where we are. Marriages are brief, long, healthy, dysfunctional, intense, remote. Death comes suddenly or in tiny increments over years. Again our experiences are so different, as are we. So is our journey through grief. Do not assume we go through the outlined grief process ‘by the book.’

7. Walk the talk. Do not make ‘conversation only’ offers. “We’ll call you and we’ll go out to dinner.”—and then not follow up. Yes, we are sensitive in our grieving, but we’d rather hear you say, “I’ve been thinking of you.” than make a ‘conversation only’ offer.

http://www.widowconnection.com/index.html

Here is the website if you want to reference more into a widow's world. 

I can't say that I agree with every one of these but I understand the concept behind each one. I haven't had any conversations that I have walked away from thinking, "are they really that stupid?! they need a list of how to's." There are plenty of conversations that I have thought I know they have the best of intentions and I probably wouldn't know the right thing to say either if I were in their shoes. I also can't stand when people act like they know exactly what they need to say b/c they have been in a crappy situation. Bottom-line whatever is said, thought and prayed about is done with love and that is all we can ask for right now. I would rather someone say something stupid with all the love in their heart than say the "right" thing b/c it was on a list in a book. Yah know?

So I think I am going jump off of here and really pray about this weekend and focus in on what I want to get out of the weekend with the girls. Please pray for us this weekend. It will be fun but tough as well to be without Craig in a favorite summer spot.

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven there are list and list of things I want to update you on and ask you. This blog just wouldn't cover it, so just call me... sigh...