Conflicted

Conflicted

The first year that Craig was gone I felt the need to do the traditions that we have always had and make sure the girls knew that we will continue to have a great life together. Some of those traditions were really hard to do without Craig. Hilton Head was one of those. I think our family traditions deserve a second chance but if we continue to struggle b/c Craig is not with us and there are too many memories attached to the places and things that we do, it may be time to change things and start to make new traditions for ourselves. I struggle with finding that balance and making changes. Making changes means taking the risk of things going badly. I feel like I have figured out what I can do by myself with the girls and the things I need help with. It scares me a little to think about rocking the boat. I know that things will get easier when Hannah is potty trained and a little older but she is still three and very active.

We are struggling one minute and okay the next right now. There are moments that we are fine and there are moments that we miss Craig so badly. This picture was taken on our Holiday World trip in 2011. I remember standing in line waiting for the train and thanking God that Craig could hold Hannah in line. There were so many times in the months prior that the chemo had left him too weak to hold her for any length of time. Last year I stood in that same line with Hannah and wished he was there with us but still so happy that he was healed after such a long battle with a horrible disease. So we leave Friday for our annual Holiday World trip and I don't know where I am. I miss my best friend terribly. I miss our old life. I am taking steps to make a new one for me and the girls but at the same time I miss having someone to share my life with. I miss having someone to make plans with and someone to share struggles with. There are times that I want Craig to tell me what I should do. He was probably one of the most trustworthy people that ever lived. Morgan wanted to go back to see their art therapist, Ms. Eilleen. She has had some nights where she struggles to get to sleep. A lot of very important information came from that meeting. She has dreams about Craig. She feels like she should not want him to be here since he is having a good time in heaven. It is so hard to hear my six-year-old so conflicted. We want him here so badly but at the same time we are so happy for him to be healed, and we are doing well making a new life for us. I hate that my girls have to think through things like this when I can't even get my arms around it myself. I have never had something to complicated in my life have to be worked through. It is so hard to think that for the rest of my girls' lives they will be conflicted over there feeling about their dad's presence. Regardless of whether they ever have the most incredible step-dad God could provide, it will never be the same and they are will always yearning to have their dad here. It is heartbreaking.

Please pray for a safe and fun trip for the Merimee girls.

Craig, I miss you, love you and will see you again.