Elephant Shoes

This past Tuesday, 9/18/12, Craig was gone 6 months. I wrote a blog post but decided to keep it to myself for right now. For the most part the day went by like any other. I haven't really gotten caught up with the monthly anniversaries. Yes he was gone 6 months on Tuesday, but he was gone 6 months and 2 days today, not that much difference, he is still not here, the 18th of the month is not much different than the 20th quite frankly. Although the day stuck out a bit more than any other day of the month, and I kept myself extra busy that evening but really wasn't that much different than any other day.

I have struggled this week with not struggling "enough". That makes no sense, I know. There is a part of me that feels pressure to make myself just sit on the couch and cry and cry. Honestly I did have a meltdown today but more b/c I was overwhelmed with everything I have to do by myself.

So whoever made the rule "Don't make any big decisions the first year you have lost your husband" clearly wasn't 34 with three kids. Not making decisions is not really an option around here. The dishwasher broke a couple weeks ago and this week I finally made a decision on which car to buy. I sold Craig's car to my mom a couple weeks ago after her 15 year old Saturn finally was declared "done". After MUCH research and test driving different options, I decided on the GMC Acadia. It fits our needs much better than the Acura that I had. The Acura had over 100K miles on it and it didn't feel comfortable not having anyone here at home if something did go wrong while out and about. The Acadia is loaded including a DVD player for the girls. Yes, I did treat us to that and I don't regret it. It is impossible to load a portable one and drive up I-71 at the same time. So it was tough to work through the options, and make a decision on my own but I did it. I don't regret the decision or the timing but today I stopped and thought am I doing this whole first year wrong?! There seems to be these unwritten rules for the first year of widowhood, that you shouldn't make big decisions, you shouldn't even think about dating, you should just sit on your couch and cry with a black hoodie on for a whole year after your husband dies. There were lots of decisions that WERE put on whole for a year (+) b/c we were making treatment decisions and it was too overwhelming to decide on anything else. Not making a decision on a dishwasher wasn't even an option a week ago. We aren't going to live on paper plates and hand washing dishes every night. So I picked out one with the help of a friend that listen to what I liked about the old one and helped dig through the website to find the best option for the money. I don't know if I am doing this "first year as a widow" right but quite frankly I am doing the best that I can and we are happy. We have our moments of missing Craig and being overwhelmed but most days we are fine and I am sick of feeling guilty about that b/c some unwritten rules.

I wrote a blog post in April that I never published. I wasn't sure it was fair to share details of the very end of Craig's life. But I feel like it is small piece of what I miss still 6 months later so I would like to share it. We had little things that were just ours. I miss being us still. So here is the blog post that was written 4/20/12:

We had this fun game that we played at our house. We wouldn't say it out loud but if you mouth "Elephant Shoes" to someone it looks like you are saying "I love you." So we would look at each other and mouth "elephant shoes" or "I love you" and the person would try to guess whether you were saying "Elephant Shoes" or "I love you." Adorable, fun game. We would also say elephant shoes to the girls if we were in front of friends just in case they didn't want to be embarrassed b/c mom/dad were being too mushy. It was like our little code words.

After Craig was admitted to the hospital and settled in his room on the morning that he died , I was asking him if he was more comfortable and letting him know what was going on. In the state he was in I really couldn't figure out his mental state and if he was following along with what was happening throughout the morning so I was trying to fill him in. After the general state of the union I let him know that I loved him etc. etc. and then I asked him if I said "elephant shoes" would he know what I meant. Most of his body including most of his face were stiff and then wasn't a lot of response as far as facial features. His hands and arms were cold and most of him was lifeless. He could talk until about an hour before he died other than that his body was simple shutting down. When I asked if he understood "elephant shoes" he nodded slightly and his upper lip raised as if he were smiling. Makes me smile to think we still had our little inside jokes as a family even up until the very end.

I am so grateful for the time that I had with him. I hurt for my girls b/c they simply didn't get enough time with the guy that would love them more than anyone else on this planet. I'm tearful at times that Plan A didn't pan out the way that I had hoped but still eager to see what is in store for Plan B. I am grateful for all that God has provided in the form of old and new friends, and joy in a time that "should" be utter darkness.

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11

Craig, I miss "us". I will see you again but until then we are doing good. Elephant shoes :)