Ugly box

You have to listen to this to get the title.
http://www.southeastchristian.org/?page=3476

This is the pep rally that I need to hear each and everyday. There are a lot of days that I am okay. I am excited for the future. I feel so overwhelmingly taken care of. I am full of faith and love for the Lord. I am so incredibly thankful to have a husband that I simple miss terribly. There are a lot people that not only have to wrestle with the loss of a love one but maybe something that wasn't said or a relationship that went south and never recovered. I have been in that boat and I am not going to go into to much detail but when I was 19 when my dad died of a massive heart attack. It was sudden, I was home from college for the weekend we fought about something as we typically did and then he was dead on Monday evening. There was plenty that wasn't worked out. I know how hard it is to work through not only a loss but to argue with someone that is no longer here. It is a huge blessing to just be able to miss Craig.

There are times that I look at Hannah and think, I know heaven is a great place but seriously (!!?) how can it be better than an evening watching Hannah do the nakey dance (video to post later - you might laugh so hard you pee in your seat! that kid is hilarious). We had a great life together and I have a wonderful life now. If you listen to the sermon you will get this. My box is ugly. Widow. To be honest I can't say that word out loud just yet. Single mom. ugh so tough. But God is SO good. I am excited to see what he has for my future. I know that even if His plan for me doesn't match the one that I have in my mind I know that in the end I will get to see Craig again. And even though that may be 50 years down the road that is only a blink in comparison to how long I get to hang with him in heaven. Now this doesn't mean I wont throw a fit if His plan doesn't match mine but I do have faith that overall His plan is best. If He didn't want to hear those tantrums He wouldn't have made me so passionate (I try to convince myself of that...haha).

There are times that I feel guilty for being okay. I told myself over and over that I am just relieved that Craig is cancer-free but I might have a bad day or be depressed in the future about what I have lost but right now I am just relieved. If I am really honest I am relieved for me too. I am so happy for him to be Home but I am so relieved that my house is pancreatic cancer free. I sometimes feel guilty for being okay. And there are times that I am not okay, I am anything but okay. I miss him like a crazy woman. Here's the bottom-line I am okay 90% of the time b/c #1 I trust God's plan #2 my husband was an incredible provider, he was ridiculously smart, it was a blessing to be married to him for 10 years and all that I have left to do is miss him.

My box maybe be ugly, but I trust that whatever God has in store is going to be good, in His time I will get to unwrap it so today I am okay.

Update on the rest of the crew:
Morgan was not okay today, pray that her stomach bug was a 1 day deal! But overall she is doing really well. She is learning a lot of site words and we will be working on reading some simple books here soon. She can express her feeling about missing her dad and she ask blunt questions that are easy to answer if you don't get flustered with black and white questions, which I don't so we are good...so far.
The questions come at random times too. The other day she came up to me out of the blue and asked if Craig had shoes on in that box (aka: coffin)? I just said "yes, they were brown to match his suit." Her response was "oh, what about socks." I said, "yep, sock too." and then she moved on to whatever she was doing... whatever I just answer them as honest as I can.

Emily is doing a bit better for those of you who heard she was having a rough time but we are working through those times. I am still trying to figure out where to draw the line on the melt-downs. I know they are b/c she misses Craig but she still has to follow directions etc etc. This is a very trying test for a new single mom. Where is the fine line b/c letting her work through feelings and where to draw the line and discipline. She crossed the line a couple times and disciplinarian action was in order. And of course discipline and structure provides security just as much as cuddles and hugs so we are doing better with the melting down and whining all the time. It is better than it was so that is good.

Hannah is good. She has been saying Da-Da a lot more these days like she is looking for him. It is really strange. Her and I sat on the floor and looked at some family pictures tonight and that seemed to be okay to her. We played that game, can you find Morgan....Daddy... etc in all the pictures. I am not sure what is going on in her head. Other than that she is so stinkin' hilarious. She is talking a lot more which is awesome. She was behind in speech for a while but since there was so much going on I was waiting until the spring/summer to address it with therapy. But I think we are in good shape now.

So that's that for now... listen to the sermon. it is so good!!! Kyle has a gift and we are blessed to have him.

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven I love you, I miss you and I will see you...