not much going on

Craig and I followed a couple cancer blogs to make sure we weren't crazy or to feel normal on some level or something like that. I would get so annoyed after some time they didn't update their blog after the one with cancer died. I wanted to so badly to see how they were doing etc. I prayed for them throughout the day but when I went to the blog at night there wasn't an update. Hmmm.. I can see why now. It is tough to continue on by yourself, I am not sure what to put out there and what to keep to myself. So much about death and dying makes people uncomfortable so it tough to say what is too much for one to hear. It is also hard to put into words what is going on. The Merimee Journey was about step by step our battle with pancreatic cancer and how we dealt with it but there is no step by step here. Some minutes we are fine, some minutes we are not. I am such a black and white person that it is really hard to figure what I want. I know what I want in the future but I am not sure what I want RIGHT NOW. I do know that I do not want Craig back in the condition he was in. If God sat in my living room and said you can have him back for a limited amount of time but he is going to suffer the way that he did when he lived here I would say NO WAY! I will wait the 50ish years to see him again. My brain goes over and over the last two weeks of his life. Emails and facebook message jog memories of how much he suffered. There are flashes of moments during the day that go through my head 100 times. The memory of him falling in the bathroom and laying there will forever be tattooed in my memory. There was a lady in the grief group at SECC that said she was desperately trying to remember her husband before he died of cancer to get those last images out of her head. Although I hate reliving them I do not want them erased. If I go back to images of him healthily and playing with our kids then my life right now doesn't make a bit of sense. I don't want him to be suffering therefore I am still relieved that he is where he is rather than here in our house. I know one day (probably soon) that there will be more than just relief. There will probably extreme sadness and anger...

One memory that I tried to replay over and over in my head when Craig was so skinny and sick was Micheal and Meredith's (cousins) wedding. They were married at St. Joe's in NKY at the end of December 2001. It was SOOOO cold. It was like North Pole COLD. The church wasn't warmed up before the wedding started or the heater was broken or something. Whatever it was cold. I remember snuggling up against Craig and I was sooo warm. His hands were chubby and so warm. He held my hand and is left arm was around me and there wasn't one part of me that was cold. I was so warm. I walked out of that wedding looking forward to our wedding and so thankful to have someone warm to cuddle with. It is hard to admit but I never got use to skinny Craig. His hands and feet weren't recognizable and it was really hard to come to terms with the physical changes the cancer brought on. When he would hold my hand I would try to remember the night of Micheal and Meredith's wedding and the warm hands that once were. I am so glad the heater didn't work that night I will treasure that memory forever. Sorry for all the other guest that might have turned blue that night but I am so thankful for that memory.

I thought of an image of Craig today. His cheeks were filled in (chubby), he was wearing that blue and maroon polo and he was smiling. Do they have polo shirts in heaven or was it just a memory? It seemed like more than a memory.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss you, and I know you are happy and I will see you...