I'm struggling right now. I am struggling with the fact that life is so incredibly unpredictable. I have been stuck thinking about the past memories and how sick Craig was and fretting for the future. I want so badly to get back to being grateful for what I have in my life, and just taking one day at a time but I find myself going back and forth between tears of three years ago and fears of what the future holds. Nothing is guaranteed to anyone and that is so hard right now. I had it all and in the blink of an eye it seemed to vanish.
I want so badly to get back to the place of trust and security of God's hope but my heart just hurts so badly right now. I want the confident, happy, joyful, grateful, energetic Michelle back ASAP. I feel drained and scattered most of the time right now. I pull myself out of it temporary with a long talk with a friend, a devotional that hits home, digging into work, working out but within hours I'm back at square one trying to digging back out. The circumstances are really shaking my faith right now, to be perfectly honest.
I want so badly the memories of the first couple weeks of cancer-land to just be zapped out of my brain forever. I don't want to have to relive this year after year. It stirs up so many feelings and fears. At times it feels like it was easier to go through rather than remember it. I could at least take care of Craig and being DOING something about it but to go over the same memories over and over with nothing to able to resolve them is maddening. No one gets how very sick Craig was except for me. No else saw first hand what I saw day after day.
And I want so badly to have a crystal ball that predicts my future. I want to know that I won't see that kind of suffering again in this lifetime. I want to know that I will get my second chance at happily ever after. I want to know that my children will be successful regardless of losing their dad at young ages. I want some guarantees. Living what I have lived in the past three years, I know guarantees don't exist. When it comes down to it our only guarantee is seeing heaven when we put our trust in the Lord. Right now I am pretty mad that I am left here to sort through this life while Craig is already enjoying our only guarantee.
This summer I did the study "Discerning the Voice of God" by Priscilla Shirer. I have looked back through it several times trying to figuring how to get myself out of this pit God's way. One paragraph that I found the other day is the following:
"God is the God of right now. He calls us not to be regretful over yesterday or worried about tomorrow. He wants us to focus on what He is saying to is and putting in front of us right now. The enemy's voice will focus on the past and the future while the voice of our God will focus on today. He is the God of right now."
Romans 8:28 We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who Love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Please pray for peace in my heart SOON. I am so sick of crying I could lose it!
Praying, always. One thing you know for sure is He has a plan and ths is part of it. He knows you're suffering and will use it to glorify Him. One of my favorite songs says "what if your blessings come through rain drops, what if your healing comes through tears, what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near". He's near. Hugs to you and the girls!! Mindy
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard!
ReplyDeleteUnless you have lost a spouse I don't think you can understand how the complicated the effects are. You not only lost your companion, father of your children, partner, etc but you have lost your future and ability to trust that joy is ever possible again. It's difficult to even describe but I totally understand what you are saying.
Focusing just on today is also the advice I have heard. Not that easy, though.
I will be praying for you.
Somedays, no doubt taking it "day by day" seems like a struggle. Taking it "minute by minute" may be more appropriate. The future is so scary, especially for someone in your position who is raising 3 girls as a single mom. Have confidence that your girls will turn out to be beautiful, kind, compassionate, faithful women because they have YOU as a role model.
ReplyDeleteI pray for you all the time; that you find peace and comfort in friendships, your faith, and the love of your family. Keep the faith.
Hebrews 10:35-36
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.