Hilton Head was good. I can tell there has been a lot of healing and learning how to make the best out of what we have since last year. I honestly wasn't even looking forward to the trip the week before we left. After the heartache of last year I was bracing myself for another year of looking back and knowing what we had in years past. What else could it be? The sarcastic bottom-line was, "grrrrreat, another vacation that we are taking without Craig." I was looking forward to being with my girls on the beach and at the pool but honesty I just wasn't thrilled to go. I learned the hard way last year that there isn't a vacation from grief. I can remember thinking weeks before last year's trip, "just get me to the beach so I can catch a break." There are no vacation from dealing with the loss of a spouse and a father of my kids. Knowledge is powerful and learning that from last year was the first step to a good vacation. It wasn't a break from grief but it was getting us out of Crestwood for a week and making new memories. Our traditions are worth another shot. So off we went.
Hands-down THE hardest part of vacation is pulling out of the subdivision past Craig's graveside. It is horrible. I want to pull the car into the cemetery and stand over his graveside and yell "GET UP! Get in the car! Your family is going on vacation! Quit laying around here and get in the car!" I know that sounds ridiculous but it is horrible to pull past his site with a car full of our kids giddy with excitement that they are heading to the beach when his body lays there. I have to remind myself that he gets paradise everyday and that it is no where close to HHI, it is far better, but at that moment as we pull away it doesn't seem to matter. I want him driving our car packed with car toys, DVDs, pillows, blankets and three little ladies that he would have done anything to see boogie board in the ocean for hours.
So for the week I wanted to be intentional about the trip and make new memories. I knew I couldn't ignored what we had in the past but I knew that this vacation had to be a part of the healing process and another step in the right direction of moving forward. I dreaded walking past the deck that Craig and I lay in a lawn chair one of the last night in 2011. I didn't know if I could stand on that deck without a breakdown. So I braced myself as we walked down to the beach. I found myself just praying and being so incredibly grateful that I was the one that Craig chose to sit on the deck with. It was the last time that he saw the ocean and I was there. I experienced it with him. I can't remember what we talked about but it wasn't cancer and we didn't say it would be the last time we were there together although we knew the odds weren't good that he would be back. There weren't tears it was just a typical night for a married couple to unwind and finish out a family vacation. This year I just focused on being grateful that I got to be there. I was the one that saw the ocean with him for the last time. No one else got that privilege. I'm the one he chose and for that I will be forever grateful.
The first night we pulled into HHI we took a walk on the beach. Emily and Morgan were up ahead of me with the group and Hannah I were a bit behind. There was a man in the condo yard playing hill-billy golf with his kids. He had a UK shirt on so I casually asked him if he was from KY. He replied no, that he grew up there and then moved away. We chit-chatted about basketball for a bit and walked on to our condo. And then this conversation went on between Hannah and I.
Hannah: Is that man a daddy?
Me: Yes, I think so.
Hannah: Is he my daddy?
Me: No, baby, that's not your daddy.
Hannah: Oh where is my daddy?
Me: Your Daddy is in heaven. Remember those books we read about heaven? that's where he lives.
Hannah: Oh, can I go find him?
(at this point I was shocked that this conversation had gone this far. She talks a lot but rarely sticks to one subject for this long.)
Me: No, you will see him again but not for a while.
Hannah: How did he get there?
Me: Well baby, he died.
Hannah: Awww how did he die?
Me: He had cancer and he died.
Hannah: Awwww that is sad.
And that was the end of the conversation. There wasn't tears but disappointment in her voice. She is at the age where she is trying to figure out family members roles and the fact that she doesn't even understand the concept of a father-figure is quite frankly more than my heart can handle. It is just so hard to have my kid's hearts hurt and there is very little I can do to remedy it. We just take one conversation at time and deal with it day by day.
This year we did an dolphin boat tour that was a little different. We went to the beach almost everyday or the pool. The girls had a blast and it is fun to see them growing and how the trip changes year after year. They are really fun to travel with. I will be extremely excited next year when Hannah is 100% potty trained. Swim diapers are a pain. I have to keep reminding myself that they are at hard ages and it will get easier. Staying in a three bedroom with the Deitz family worked out well. We had just enough room and everyone slept in. We saw Greg Russell under the Oak Tree with the Bohannons and hit the Salty Dog one night with the whole crew. The girls and I walked the beach one night and looked for shells, that was a great night. :) I just love spending time with them and not doing much of anything. Overall the trip was a success and I feel like we can continue the Hilton Head tradition if we so chose to next summer.
So there hasn't been too many updates this summer. It has really flown by. I love the summertime and we have spent a lot of time at the pool and hanging out in our court riding bikes etc. Work has been a bit crazy and I haven't had a lot a free time. The grief journey seems to have taken a turn at the one-year mark. I have talked about this in past post. It has truly settled in that Craig is not coming back. The relief that he is healed has worn off and the loss is great. The meltdowns don't come as often or as sharp as the first year but the responsibility as a single mom is heavy. The loneliness of being mid-thirties and a single mom is hard to deal with. It doesn't mean that I am not grateful for the life that I have and it doesn't mean that I am not happy. Not being happy or content with life is different than the feeling of being lonely. We were made to be in relationships with others. And God's design for a family is not one parent and three kids. It is not. This is not a job for one person, that is not the way God's intended it. We are putting one foot in front of the other and making it the best way we know how. Please continue to pray for us. I need more patience with the girls and they need peace in their hearts.
Yesterday was my 35th birthday. We celebrated with good friends and then mom made dinner. It is a strange feeling that I am now older than Craig will ever be. I don't worry about birthdays like I once did b/c I have seen someone fight for days of their life and I have a new appreciation for it but it is an uneasy feeling to hit these milestones and know that you have to move on without the person you chose to do life with.
Well this isn't an uplifting post and maybe that is why I haven't updated the blog alot. I have had a lot on my mind lately and I knew whatever landed here would be a status update of what is happening in my mind rather than a reflection of the fun summer that we have had. This is the last week for the girls before they go back to school. I think they are looking forward to seeing their friends again and getting back into a routine. The early mornings no one is looking forward to. :(
Craig,
If there are blogs in heaven. We miss you. Life will never be the same. We are taking time to make new memories but sometimes life is so heartbreaking without you here. Love you. Miss you. Will see you again.
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