Hold on to Me.

The words this song could be my entire post. Working in the Pan Can house at the Charity Home tour was really hard on Saturday. Although being in the house talking about the girls art work was not bad while I was there but when I walked away it was an overwhelming feeling. I talked the talk and walked the Pancreatic Cancer walk for 17 months and to say things like, art therapy, Norton Cancer Institute, cancer battle,  passed away in March, chemo, PanCan, over and over threw me right back to where I so desperately wanted to get out of 6 months ago. As I was standing in the house telling pieces of our story and how they related to the Charity that was associated with the house I had a feeling that I wanted my wedding rings back on my left hand, my whole being and identity was being throw back into cancer-land. It took my breath away as I climbed into my car after just a short three hour shift. I was emotional exhausted for days trying to process all the memories that it brought up. Sunday afternoon my mom did my shift at the house since I had such a hard time on Saturday.

The girl's art work featured in the rec room upstairs.

Please don't let the sentiment of this post deter you from supporting the Charity Homes Celebration. It is an amazing opportunity to raise money and awareness for PanCan. The house is in first place with votes, if it wins at the end of the event then PanCan could be awarded up to $50K for research. Please vote for house #6 if you go. More pictures to come... blogger is doing funny things.
Sunday evening was the Purple Light Vigil. Kristen my sister-in-law asked me to do a talk at the event. I felt the call to use the platform to bring God glory and I would do just about anything for Craig's family. There loss is grand and anything that might bring them comfort I am willing to do. Kristen (and team) did such a great job with the event. The vigil was held at Norton Hospital Brownsboro the same place that Craig was diagnosed and died. As the ceremony started I saw one of the nurses that worked there entering the building to start her shift. It was the same nurse that was there when Craig was diagnosed and when he died. Some of this stuff is just too much to swallow right now.

Take away: I need a break from the cancer stuff. It throws me back into cancer-land and HORRIBLE memories of what my husband and best friend endured for a year and a half. Is it something that I would be willing to work on in years to come, yes, but for right now it is too much. I am committed to moving forward for myself and my children. Will there still be work to be done in 2-3 years for PanCan? Yes. Ecclesiastes 3 There is a time for everything. We used this verse in our wedding and I used it in Craig's funeral. Right now is not the time to relive what happen to my family from 10/4/10 to 3/18/12. It is a time to move forward, seek joy and peace and cry when we miss Craig. Everyone grieves differently and I applaud those who have the strength to fight for those still fighting Pancreatic Cancer. But I fought for husband when doctors didn't want to treat him at all, I called every major cancer institute in the continental US to see what they had to offer, I scoured  listing for clinical trials, writing notes to take to the "experts", I sat through second opinions, third opinions, trips to Vandy, HOURS in a chair next to my husband being pumped with poison only to understand his true fate. I sat in waiting rooms for HOURS waiting for procedures to be complete to chat with a doctor that said stuff like "that stet will last him indefinitely" knowing the life of the stet that was just placed only would be good 18 months at the most, but getting and hearing the messages he was giving me. I wanted to punch that man so many times but instead I nodded and thanked him for taking care of my husband. The pieces of information I kept to myself rather than discussing with Craig afterwards. He would ask in the car on the way home "Do you know how long this one is going to last? I hate that procedure and its recovery.'' And I would reply, "18 months so you are good to go for awhile." Knowing that the answer was really "don't worry about it I think that is the last time you will have to do this." To say that I am sick of living  pancreatic cancer and it effects is vast understatement. Although I feel like such a coward bowing out of the fight for those who still have to fight at this point I feel like screaming I HAVE PUT IN MY TIME. It is not good for my family to have a mom that is at her wits end b/c of trying to process horrible memories. When I say I am relieved for Craig to be healed I mean it. If you haven't ever taken care of someone for 17 months with this disease don't judge those words. Everyone grieves differently. The link below goes to a blog. I don't know this woman and I have never read her blog before but I can't tell you how close she NAILED it on this one. I read it with tears streaming down my face. Unbelievable.
http://www.fourlittletomsandamom.blogspot.com/2012/01/proverbs-31-ministries-blogpost-our.html

I really thought that meltdown day would be tomorrow. Funny how things work out. Tomorrow 10/4/12 is the 2 year anniversary that Craig was diagnosed with PC. I remember sitting in the ER listening to the nurse say there is a mass in his pancreas. My first question was "does he need that or can you just take it out". I haven't a clue what she was saying. I didn't even know what the pancreas was at that point. Later that night I got the full scope of it. Mass hysteria as I had three little girls at home in bed, one just 4 months old and Dr. Morris telling Craig he had 6 months to live. Our lives would never be the same. EVER. October 4th is harder for me than March 18th. So much was gone at that very instant. On March 18th Craig simple stopped breathing, he was out of pain and healed. On October 4th he started a journey that was devastating. Our future was gone instantly. For months full of chemo he worked to buy time so that he could make as many memories as he could with the girls. We worked through the toughest situation with a lot of grace and dignity. I am proud of the way that we handled the situation. Although there are still some things that I would change I still think we did pretty darn good, all things considering.

I am not sure what stage of grief that I live in right now. I think I am bouncing back and forth from acceptance to anger. There are times during the week that I walk away from the frustration of raising three girls by myself and just say over and over, this is such "bull sh*t" "it is such bull sh*t that I have to do this by myself" I don't know who I am talking to whether it is Craig or God (hope not, I'm sure He doesn't approve of the language choice) or just getting it out there but I think if I were to ever write a book on grief I would replace the chapter about anger and title it "this is such Bull SH*T." I can honestly say that there are several times that I am so ticked off at Craig, I realize this is not fair that he would have done anything to be here to raise our girls but it doesn't seem fair that he is hanging out in paradise with JC and I am struggling here. I do tell him that. I am sure he doesn't listen b/c he had an uncanny ability to be able to tune me out when he was alive, I am sure that he took that with him. ugh. Such Bull Sh*t.

Today is a down day. The memories are just so hard to think about. I am so ticked at what Craig had to endure. I am so stinkin' mad that my girls don't have their dad. Two years ago seems like at least 15 years. There is just no way that was just 2 years ago. I am not the same person as I was. It just seems ridiculous that was just 2 years ago. The whole thing is just ridiculous. I hope that I have the courage after this rant to do thankful Thursday tomorrow. Today I am calling a spade a spade. This is BS.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven... ugh I can't even go there right now.