Hilton Head 2012: tearful Friday

I will update the blog with more pictures when we return but I have a lot on my mind right now that I just need to unload. This has been one of the toughest days since March. I found myself tearful most of the day. It took a lot of the day to just think through what I was so upset about (besides the obvious that Craig hasn't been here this week). The biggest challenge with grief that I have found is it so encompassing that you can't really think or talk your way through it and just move on with the day. In any other issue I would have grabbed a friend and talk through it been done with it but this messy thing called grief just engulfs me when it gets a good hold for the day. Scott asked if I was okay and all I could say was "no" but I honestly couldn't put words to it. For a chatty Kathy like myself this is really really really hard. So today was tough it was tough to put into words what was swimming around my head and hurting my heart.

Last year at this time we pulled out of HHI with family memories behind us but a CT scan that we knew wasn't going to be good and probably meant back to square one. We took each day at a time and did the best we could with what we were handed. Looking back and having that as a memory is just as hard as living through it. Now that we are a year away from our last family of 5 vacation it pains me to remember what we went through this time last year.

So this year as we will pull out of HHI I am a single mom having the task of getting three little girls back to school by myself. Although we are in a different boat that we were last year at this time this one seems overwhelming in a different way but still overwhelming indeed. I know that I have an incredible support system and I know the same "one day at a time" mentality has to be used this year but I am so tired of it. I am tired of the grief struggle. I am tired of not recognizing my life! Today was one of those days that I thought how is it possible that is in my past, how it is that that memory is a part of my family's story today! I yearn for joy in my life, I just miss some very simple things about marriage.

This week overall has been a great and fun week for our family. We have had highs and lows. Family pictures were hard and might be chalked up as a bad idea. I hated walking out on that beach dressed up as a family of four knowing that people were thinking, where is the missing piece? Where is the dad and husband? Those are the moments that I am not yet use to. The moments that we look different than the "perfect family." I know that I should be so proud of the family that I have but at that moment it was glaringly obvious that someone was missing. I wanted to get the pictures to document where we are this year b/c I am not sure what our family will look like in the future. Will there be a step-dad or even step-siblings someday? I HOPE so but for now I wanted to document our family this year. That was the idea behind it. I am not sure it was worth the pain of looking at the pictures of me and the girls and thinking "there is only 4 people in that picture and we are a family of 5." I guess time will tell and when we receive the pictures in the mail we will see if I hang them. My favorite is the one of the three girls and I got that in an 11X14 but I am not sure that the family of 4 picture will be displayed in my house. We shall see. (BTW - I am not dumb enough to think a step-dad will make a family picture complete but there are things that I miss about having a husband so when God sees fit to bring me that person then yes I will be grateful. But I know that no one on the planet can replace Craig).

The devotional in Jesus Calling was about HOPE today. I bought the app for my phone - best $10 app EVER spent! I usually grab my iPhone before my feet hit the floor in the morning so it is great to start the day with that app rather than work emails.
Today's devotional talked about keeping your eyes on Jesus and the ultimate destination of heaven and the bumps in the road will not seem as sufficient.

Then is listed these scriptures:
Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
I love this one. 
If God were sitting in front of me here is what He would have to say with this scripture, taking it one step at a time: Be JOYful in hope, MICHELLE! JOYFUL I said not pouty or critical JOYFUL.... PATIENT in affliction.... Michelle, we have worked on your patience and we are getting somewhere but seriously you have got to rely on my for this one really - Patience in affliction, and faithful in prayer. You seem to get off track with being prayful these days and then you wonder why the day went so wrong... so really faithful in prayer = talk to me I created you, of course I know how to bring you peace beyond your wildest dreams.  :) He is so good to me.

1 Thessalonians 5:8 "But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate and the hope of salvation as a helmet." 
The warrior gear on this one speaks to me for some reason. I have to re-read this one and really let it sink in.

So glad that I have this blog to think through this stuff. More wonderful beach pictures of my girls to come. There is one that I have to get from Uncle Tim of Hannah feeding a sea gulf a cheez-it. She has no fear. So awesome!!

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven we love you, we miss you and we will see you again.