Late in the afternoon the Sunday that Craig died I stepped outside to get the mail that I thought I had forgotten the day before. There was a feeling that Craig was happy. I can't decide it to well but you know when you first walk into a room and you try to get a feel for how a persons mood was and then you just get this vibe without them saying a word? That is what I felt in my front yard. I wish I would have stayed out there all afternoon and soaked it in. The feeling that he was happy, healed, whole, and very okay came over me. It was about 4:00 in the afternoon and he died about 1:15.
I walked outside yesterday to get Emily off the bus and I wanted to so badly for that same feeling to come over me. I had the feeling that he was happy but not as close as he was. He seems more and more distance as I search for these feelings. He must be up to something wonderful. I miss him like crazy. I read emails and FB updates just to try to capture a piece of him before I go to bed.
Monday was so overwhelming. I really thought I could jump back into life without a hitch and reality of an entire new life smacked me in the face. I spent the majority of the day on my couch crying. I can't image my life be as good as it was with him and it is so hard to think are the best days of my life behind me? at age 33? I have to think something wonderful is up ahead. We have worked so hard to try to get through the cancer life but living without Craig is a whole new challenge. It is not something to get through but something to live without and the task at hand seems impossible.
So I grieve with Hope of seeing him again but 50 years seems like so far away that I have to let that thought go. I need to stay day by day b/c the lifetime without him is just too overwhelming.
No comments:
Post a Comment