Today is 10 years since Craig lived here on earth. TEN is a different anniversary. It is a bigger deal. I don't know if it is the easy math: my kids were 6, 5, and 1 when he died, they are now 16, 15, and 11. I could pick each of them up when he died and now 2 out 3 are taller and stronger than me. He has missed 10 years. They were in kindergarten, pre-K and 2s, they are now a sophomore, freshman and 6th grader. The math is there but the situation still lacks logic. I work all day in math, stats, ratings, budgets. I love when things add up. It is comforting. 6+10 = 16. These are facts. But this anniversary of 10 lacks logic. He is still not here. They are different people. I am a different person. He is not here. There is still no logic to those things.
In that ten years, they have gone to school, played their sports, made friends, lost friends, struggled, laughed, learned, grown. We have lived in two more houses, we have a cat and two dogs. I have married and divorced. I have two step sons. I am in another relationship where I hope to have two step daughters officially some day. We have packed a lot in, in ten years. Vacations, road-trips, field hockey trips, and so many volleyball trips. We have hit the lakes of the KY and the shores of the Carolinas, Virginia and the gulf of Florida. The girls have gotten As, Bs and two Cs in the years of school. We have had one broken bone and a swallowed penny. We have survived a pandemic. We have argued about privilege's, the length of shorts, and the time to be back at home. We have cheered from the sidelines and crashed in tears over losses. We have grown together and apart. We have agreed and disagreed. Sometimes loudly. We have preserved and pressed on. God has been good and He has been questioned (again sometimes loudly). That is what real faith looks like: questions and love and grace and anger and sometime loudly.
TEN is a big deal. I am running out of a plan. The life insurance money is in the places that Craig instructed, too much was lost in a (^@#1&^%%#&^%^$%) divorce but majority of went right where Craig said to put it. Emily will go to college in 2 year and some of that money will be spent. Then the next year Morgan will... followed by HJ. I am running out of instructions from Craig and it scares the sh*t out me. Yes in the past ten years I have made most the decisions but with the thought in the back of my mind "what would Craig do?" There is guilt that Emily and Morgan are not at Assumption as instructed by Craig but I know they are where they need to be. But I am running out of instructions. Craig getting sick was a crappy plan but we talked a lot about plan B and now I am sitting here wondering what now? I have big dreams and big plans but without the instructions from Craig it feels like a mess in the making.
Raising teens is HARD. They are terrible people to live with at times. TERRIBLE. And I do not find myself wondering what Craig would do as much as I did when they were little. He would have no idea just like I have no idea what to do. And that in itself scares me. Most of the time I don't have the little voice anymore of Craig in this season. We remember him often and talk about it but the life that we lived ten years ago looks NOTHING like what we are doing now. We have two dogs, Craig hated dogs. We built a house and it is yellow, that would have NEVER let happened. We go to lake a lot of weekends in the summer. We would not have had those friends in our lives. Hannah Jane is double named and Craig hated double names. I have a workout routine that I never had nor am I sure that I would have made time for it if he was still here. Nothing looks like it did.
This anniversary hits hard. It just does. I miss him like never before but in a different way because I am not the same person that I was ten year ago. If you have not lost someone close to you, you will not get that. And honestly I hope you don't have the pain of this to understand that. I wonder who he would have been. What would have remained part of him and what would have changed. And I grieve the person I would have been if I got to be married to him for 20 year. I don't know who that person would be but I am sad to say that I will never get to meet her.
My kids are different people than they would have been. They do not tolerate drama very well. Emily came home from school one day and said, you can tell who really hasn't been through hard things. They do not have the perspective we have which is a blessing and a curse all in one. Hannah has had a hard time with her on and off grief. With the ADHD and the passion behind the force that is HJ it has a hard battle. They play field hockey and volleyball rather than soccer. I am not even sure he would have tolerated our insane schedule. I catch myself in a pity party, "if Craig were here this would be easier" but honestly I am not even sure what life would look like at this point if he were here. We are so far from ten year ago it is hard to say and that is really hard to think through.
Ten is hard and yes God is good. Our faith has gotten stronger and endure us in a lot of ways but we have had to learn what that looks like now that life without Craig is normal. Our everyday is not as intense as today so our faith looks different than is did in the throws of THE crappiest situation possible (in my opinion).
Pleases continue to pray for us, that is truly why we are as successfully moving forward as we have been for ten years.
Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, I'm doing my best. It doesn't look like what it would look like if you were still here. I have carried guilt and shame that it is not as good as if you were here and I am so (*%&^%$%$^%) ready to release that. I am doing my best. I know you are proud from afar but there are days that I wish He would have switched us out. You had the patience of Job. I have learned patience, forgiveness and grace in the messiest ways possible you seemed to just be born with those traits. But I am doing my best. You are missed. You are missed in a different way than then years ago but still missed. And you are loved but not in the same way you were ten years ago. My love for you has grown but in a unique way that honestly doesn't have words. Memories are fading and that is hard but we remember who were as a person. I will see you again, once I am done with the work that needs to be done here, I will see you again. Much love, Michelle
