decluttering and Psalm 19:14

Okay so I have this pre-recorded radio interview on WFIA tomorrow. I have been invited to be on Kristen Sauder radio show, Excellent Things, that airs in the afternoons. She does about an hour interview with people around Louisville (and beyond) that have a God story they are willing to share. I've know about it for about three weeks. I have tried to be prayerful about it but my mind has been cluttered with to do list and odds and ends. I am now down to less that 24 hours before the interview and I can't image what I am going to have to say during this interview that anyone is going to want to hear. AHHHHHH!

My brain is cluttered with to-do list for work. (value added reporting due, radio annuals looming, 1Q TV, Georgetown Grand Opening next Friday, Angel Tree schedules to be worked on... and wait somewhere in there I am sure billing and post are due...) sigh.

My to-do list at home, (unload dishwasher, finish laundry, raise three little girls, don't forget to stick Hannah on the potty b/c we are "potty training" I use that term very loosely, baths, vacuum the basement, figure out Morgan's Halloween costume, buy blue hair spray for Emmy's costume, let the tooth fairy in the door when she arrives to get Morgan's 1st lost tooth...)

And there is the preparing for the trip to Cincinnati this weekend list (oil change, get gas, get money from the ATM, pack for the weekend: snacks, potty, pool supplies, sleeping bags, outfits (have to be cute and clean), camera, wedding shower gift, veggie tray, my stuff...)

So I have all this swimming in my head and add to the list: prayer and concentrating on what He wants me to say in this interview!!! AHHHH! Isn't so typically to let so much stuff get in the way of being able to listen to what God wants us to communicate?

So I am blogging... getting it all out there... what else is clogging my brain so that I can't concentrate on what He wants me to say during this interview... Oh a whole bunch of stuff...the holidays coming up... new friendships...upcoming events...weight gain (ugh so ticked off about this)...being "that" girl with the sad story... memories flooded from the trip to Lexington this past weekend...I swear Craig was just here and now he is not... ugh.

As I blog I am reminded that prayer is not something that is on a list of things to do. It should be a way of life. Constant conversation with Him is the way to keep the to-do's and anxiety from overpowering our minds and getting away from doing this His way.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6 He wants to hear about EVERYTHING. He wants to be turn over all anxieties and all to-do list to Him and be thankful. God, HELP me I am drowning in to-do lists, raising three little girls as a single mom, keeping up with a career that I love, and trying to maintain relationships that bring joy, comfort and strength each day. PLEASE relieve me of lists and guide me to YOUR way of doing this MESS called life. Get me on your path (QUICKLY) so that the words during this radio interview are yours and not mine b/c all I have right now is a cluttered head of blah and that is not going to bring you the glory that I so desire for this interview. "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you." Psalm 19:14 Don't let me utter one syllable of my own. Let every word and thought come from you. Please use me as an example of the peace, joy and love that is so unimaginable to so many in this world. Please let this interview accomplish whatever it is that your Will is for it. Help me to focus on your agenda and not mine!!!! In Jesus' Name, Amen. Blog readers, pray Psalm 19:14 for me tomorrow at 4:00, please. Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss the way that you put things in perspective for me when I am flipping out and your encouragement and I will see you again. I hope you get WFIA up there, I will be on sometime in December. love you. oh and your people are so very good to me. Good call on St. X and Lambda Chi. :)

Fall days

This post is mostly for me. I haven't been really disciplined with getting pictures downloaded and printed in the last two years so I wanted to get some of the pictures that document days of our daily lives out there since there are not in scrapbooks or in cute photo boxes in my house these days.

Hannah's First Hair cut: I waited too long to do this b/c I was afraid that she would look like a boy and I couldn't get pig-tails in if it were too short. Although I don't think that I can get pig-tails in, her little hair-cut is so cute. She did so good sitting there. I decided at the last minute to add a small layer of bands. I didn't want to b/c in the end you just end growing them out but I they frame her face really well and she looks so cute.

Cutting the bangs

sitting so good in the Princess Jeep

All done.

Saturday afternoon we went to the Fox Hollow Fall Festival. We normally go to Huber's as a family but I just can't do it without Craig this year. Too many great memories so we changed it up a bit. Who knows what we will do next year. The girls did really great. Although later that night I cried b/c they had to carry their own pumpkins. That is something that daddies do at a pumpkin patch. Little thing, I know but it was just a blessing to be able to pick the biggest pumpkin in the patch and have a big strong daddy to carry it to the car while the kids ate pumpkin ice cream or fed the ducks. Not feeling sorry for us but well... okay I am feeling sorry for us. sigh. Just miss some of the little things but still doing what we do, just a little different than before.

Met up with the Richardson's at the festival.

Climbing the hay castle. fun.

This was so funny. Hannah really doesn't know a stranger. She just stopped in the middle of the patch and started talking to that little girls like she had known her her whole life. So funny.

The mommies and the "babies"

Hannah is a mama's girl. :)

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven. I missed you at the pumpkin patch this year. I can still remember the year that Emily and Morgan could finally walk through the patch on their own and we kind of stood there in amazement that things were getting easier with two little girls just 14 months apart. I also remember the year that I stood in the middle of the pumpkin field and I just knew that I was pregnant with Hannah even though it was too soon to take the test. I turned to you and said, I think I might be pregnant and you grinned and said something like I hope so. :) Miss you. See you again.

Thoughtful and Thankful Thursday

I dropped Hannah off at school today and walked in the door from the garage and wanted to see Craig sitting on the couch. I wanted him to just drop in and say it is okay to be okay. I wanted him so badly to say you are doing a great job keeping up with life. And I saw that you screwed up the checking account and it is okay. I did stuff like too, you just never knew about it. (I bet he never really did but he would lie about it to make me feel better). I just want his approval. I am running our household and I want him to check in and give an evaluation current status. I want his input on what I should be doing differently (maybe... well I at least want opportunity to argue with him about why I am doing things the way I am doing them). Sigh. It has been so long since I have gotten his two cents. I can't even think that I won't see him in this lifetime again. I stay day to day, that is what God intends for us. 

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

I am so grateful for a great big God that's "got this one". He knows what tomorrow looks like and just wants me to enjoy the blessings of today.

Tuesday evening we received a most wonderful gift from God! If anyone has heard about my washing machine you will be relieved to not have to hear me rant about the flooded laundry room any more! If you can remember in late April/early May the wash machine broke. A princess nightgown got twisted in the rubber lining. In turn a hose snapped (and so did I... remember that post... I realized it takes a village...ANYWAY). The rubber lining never sealed the door closed after that lovely incident so water trickled down the front of the machine and all over the laundry room floor. The little loads were more than a trickle (remember Noah?...kidding). I laid towels under the machine so that it wouldn't get the whole room wet but then the laundry room always smelled like wet towels... ugh... so incredibly frustrating. But after the dishwasher broke we took one thing at a time and made due until I got so fed up and just went out and bought another one. I was almost there, when God had a washer machine delivered to my house!! Holy cow! It is a top-loader, it cleans clothes (!!) and it doesn't flood the laundry room!!! And that, my friends is a BEAUTIFUL THING that I am so VERY thankful for!!! There will be no more mopping up on Thursday after the laundry is complete on Wednesdays!! YEAH!! He is a great provider!! :)

So yes, each day is a roller coaster of emotions but one thing is consistent:, we are trusting in His plan, He is ALWAYS good and we are so thankful. Happy Thankful Thursday!

PS This weekend is the last weekend for the Charity Homes Tour. Support the PanCan house #6!!

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for busy work. I am slammed at work and it is fabulous thing right now. I am also sooo incredibly grateful for my supervisors and my assistant. They are so supportive when bad days hit. They are ready to back me up on rough days like yesterday.

My life is so full of wonderful blessings. Although the days that I need to call a spade a spade are hard, it is easy to look around and know that I am blessed beyond my imagination. I have an amazing support system and I am so grateful!!

I am also so grateful to have a weekend full of fun events with friends and family to look forward to as well. One foot in front of the other... moving on to better days. ;)

Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Hold on to Me.

The words this song could be my entire post. Working in the Pan Can house at the Charity Home tour was really hard on Saturday. Although being in the house talking about the girls art work was not bad while I was there but when I walked away it was an overwhelming feeling. I talked the talk and walked the Pancreatic Cancer walk for 17 months and to say things like, art therapy, Norton Cancer Institute, cancer battle,  passed away in March, chemo, PanCan, over and over threw me right back to where I so desperately wanted to get out of 6 months ago. As I was standing in the house telling pieces of our story and how they related to the Charity that was associated with the house I had a feeling that I wanted my wedding rings back on my left hand, my whole being and identity was being throw back into cancer-land. It took my breath away as I climbed into my car after just a short three hour shift. I was emotional exhausted for days trying to process all the memories that it brought up. Sunday afternoon my mom did my shift at the house since I had such a hard time on Saturday.

The girl's art work featured in the rec room upstairs.

Please don't let the sentiment of this post deter you from supporting the Charity Homes Celebration. It is an amazing opportunity to raise money and awareness for PanCan. The house is in first place with votes, if it wins at the end of the event then PanCan could be awarded up to $50K for research. Please vote for house #6 if you go. More pictures to come... blogger is doing funny things.
Sunday evening was the Purple Light Vigil. Kristen my sister-in-law asked me to do a talk at the event. I felt the call to use the platform to bring God glory and I would do just about anything for Craig's family. There loss is grand and anything that might bring them comfort I am willing to do. Kristen (and team) did such a great job with the event. The vigil was held at Norton Hospital Brownsboro the same place that Craig was diagnosed and died. As the ceremony started I saw one of the nurses that worked there entering the building to start her shift. It was the same nurse that was there when Craig was diagnosed and when he died. Some of this stuff is just too much to swallow right now.

Take away: I need a break from the cancer stuff. It throws me back into cancer-land and HORRIBLE memories of what my husband and best friend endured for a year and a half. Is it something that I would be willing to work on in years to come, yes, but for right now it is too much. I am committed to moving forward for myself and my children. Will there still be work to be done in 2-3 years for PanCan? Yes. Ecclesiastes 3 There is a time for everything. We used this verse in our wedding and I used it in Craig's funeral. Right now is not the time to relive what happen to my family from 10/4/10 to 3/18/12. It is a time to move forward, seek joy and peace and cry when we miss Craig. Everyone grieves differently and I applaud those who have the strength to fight for those still fighting Pancreatic Cancer. But I fought for husband when doctors didn't want to treat him at all, I called every major cancer institute in the continental US to see what they had to offer, I scoured  listing for clinical trials, writing notes to take to the "experts", I sat through second opinions, third opinions, trips to Vandy, HOURS in a chair next to my husband being pumped with poison only to understand his true fate. I sat in waiting rooms for HOURS waiting for procedures to be complete to chat with a doctor that said stuff like "that stet will last him indefinitely" knowing the life of the stet that was just placed only would be good 18 months at the most, but getting and hearing the messages he was giving me. I wanted to punch that man so many times but instead I nodded and thanked him for taking care of my husband. The pieces of information I kept to myself rather than discussing with Craig afterwards. He would ask in the car on the way home "Do you know how long this one is going to last? I hate that procedure and its recovery.'' And I would reply, "18 months so you are good to go for awhile." Knowing that the answer was really "don't worry about it I think that is the last time you will have to do this." To say that I am sick of living  pancreatic cancer and it effects is vast understatement. Although I feel like such a coward bowing out of the fight for those who still have to fight at this point I feel like screaming I HAVE PUT IN MY TIME. It is not good for my family to have a mom that is at her wits end b/c of trying to process horrible memories. When I say I am relieved for Craig to be healed I mean it. If you haven't ever taken care of someone for 17 months with this disease don't judge those words. Everyone grieves differently. The link below goes to a blog. I don't know this woman and I have never read her blog before but I can't tell you how close she NAILED it on this one. I read it with tears streaming down my face. Unbelievable.
http://www.fourlittletomsandamom.blogspot.com/2012/01/proverbs-31-ministries-blogpost-our.html

I really thought that meltdown day would be tomorrow. Funny how things work out. Tomorrow 10/4/12 is the 2 year anniversary that Craig was diagnosed with PC. I remember sitting in the ER listening to the nurse say there is a mass in his pancreas. My first question was "does he need that or can you just take it out". I haven't a clue what she was saying. I didn't even know what the pancreas was at that point. Later that night I got the full scope of it. Mass hysteria as I had three little girls at home in bed, one just 4 months old and Dr. Morris telling Craig he had 6 months to live. Our lives would never be the same. EVER. October 4th is harder for me than March 18th. So much was gone at that very instant. On March 18th Craig simple stopped breathing, he was out of pain and healed. On October 4th he started a journey that was devastating. Our future was gone instantly. For months full of chemo he worked to buy time so that he could make as many memories as he could with the girls. We worked through the toughest situation with a lot of grace and dignity. I am proud of the way that we handled the situation. Although there are still some things that I would change I still think we did pretty darn good, all things considering.

I am not sure what stage of grief that I live in right now. I think I am bouncing back and forth from acceptance to anger. There are times during the week that I walk away from the frustration of raising three girls by myself and just say over and over, this is such "bull sh*t" "it is such bull sh*t that I have to do this by myself" I don't know who I am talking to whether it is Craig or God (hope not, I'm sure He doesn't approve of the language choice) or just getting it out there but I think if I were to ever write a book on grief I would replace the chapter about anger and title it "this is such Bull SH*T." I can honestly say that there are several times that I am so ticked off at Craig, I realize this is not fair that he would have done anything to be here to raise our girls but it doesn't seem fair that he is hanging out in paradise with JC and I am struggling here. I do tell him that. I am sure he doesn't listen b/c he had an uncanny ability to be able to tune me out when he was alive, I am sure that he took that with him. ugh. Such Bull Sh*t.

Today is a down day. The memories are just so hard to think about. I am so ticked at what Craig had to endure. I am so stinkin' mad that my girls don't have their dad. Two years ago seems like at least 15 years. There is just no way that was just 2 years ago. I am not the same person as I was. It just seems ridiculous that was just 2 years ago. The whole thing is just ridiculous. I hope that I have the courage after this rant to do thankful Thursday tomorrow. Today I am calling a spade a spade. This is BS.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven... ugh I can't even go there right now.