Craig Junior is a wildcat

Well I don't update the blog very much at all but I am drawn back here in a mighty way today. Emily is off to the University of Kentucky in August. She could not be more excited. The dorm items from Amazon on trickling in. The studying of the sorority chapters have started. The classes have been chosen. Snaps(chat) have been exchanged with others that will be in her same college. Zoom calls with advisors have occurred. The chick is ready to roll. 

Yesterday we went to orientation. The students and parents shared some of the session but most were divided. As I walked from the Student Center to Gatton Business and Economics building, I was for 30 second, transported back to 24 years ago. I was a student with shorts, t-shirt, gym shoes and a heavy backpack on my back and I was walking to class as a UK student. My brain immediately went to look for Craig on the walk. I planned the crowds pouring out the buildings looking for his face as if his class finished the same time as mine did. Thoughts of his schedule and would I see him on the way or in the building flooded my head. Would we be able to share lunch in between our classes? Could be meet in William T. Young to study later? In the 30 second that I allowed my mind to go there was an old familiar. It was a young love familiar. There was not a wrinkle on my face or an ache on my body. I was 20 again. I was walking a familiar path trying to find a familiar face. I had a lifetime in front of me. I looked for the sweet face that I looked for a million times as I trekked across campus.  

As I snapped back to reality I saw a building that was in the same place as the building that we walked in the halls together but it was a brand new building with a completely different layout. My back hurts from the weight of the contents. My heart ached because I can no longer call my mom and tell her about this 30 second of a piece of the past, since she joined Craig in February. Although my eyes were a tad "sweaty" I was not a basket-case as I might have been 12 years ago. I refocused on the task at hand which was a fun day with Em and getting her set up for success on the same campus her parents found each other in love on. The next task was to learn about her studies in Health Sciences since I have no idea what that path looks like compared to the the B&E path that I/we took. 

It is time to pass the torch on to the next Wildcat. At the beginning of orientation, they asked alumni to stand to be recognized. Simple gesture that probably meant nothing to most but I loved it. UK was where her parents became best friends, fell in love, got a couple business degrees, made great friends, had a million laughs, some tears, lots of memories. I am so proud of who she is becoming and excited for all that she has planned at UK but for me I loved to take a tearful pause of how it all started.  

10 Years later

Today is 10 years since Craig lived here on earth. TEN is a different anniversary. It is a bigger deal. I don't know if it is the easy math: my kids were 6, 5, and 1 when he died, they are now 16, 15, and 11. I could pick each of them up when he died and now 2 out 3 are taller and stronger than me. He has missed 10 years. They were in kindergarten, pre-K and 2s, they are now a sophomore, freshman and 6th grader. The math is there but the situation still lacks logic. I work all day in math, stats, ratings, budgets. I love when things add up. It is comforting. 6+10 = 16. These are facts. But this anniversary of 10 lacks logic. He is still not here. They are different people. I am a different person. He is not here. There is still no logic to those things. 

In that ten years, they have gone to school, played their sports, made friends, lost friends, struggled, laughed, learned, grown. We have lived in two more houses, we have a cat and two dogs. I have married and divorced. I have two step sons. I am in another relationship where I hope to have two step daughters officially some day. We have packed a lot in, in ten years. Vacations, road-trips, field hockey trips, and so many volleyball trips. We have hit the lakes of the KY and the shores of the Carolinas, Virginia and the gulf of Florida. The girls have gotten As, Bs and two Cs in the years of school. We have had one broken bone and a swallowed penny. We have survived a pandemic. We have argued about privilege's, the length of shorts, and the time to be back at home. We have cheered from the sidelines and crashed in tears over losses. We have grown together and apart. We have agreed and disagreed. Sometimes loudly. We have preserved and pressed on. God has been good and He has been questioned (again sometimes loudly). That is what real faith looks like: questions and love and grace and anger and sometime loudly. 

TEN is a big deal. I am running out of a plan. The life insurance money is in the places that Craig instructed, too much was lost in a (^@#1&^%%#&^%^$%) divorce but majority of went right where Craig said to put it. Emily will go to college in 2 year and some of that money will be spent. Then the next year Morgan will... followed by HJ. I am running out of instructions from Craig and it scares the sh*t out me. Yes in the past ten years I have made most the decisions but with the thought in the back of my mind "what would Craig do?" There is guilt that Emily and Morgan are not at Assumption as instructed by Craig but I know they are where they need to be. But I am running out of instructions. Craig getting sick was a crappy plan but we talked a lot about plan B and now I am sitting here wondering what now? I have big dreams and big plans but without the instructions from Craig it feels like a mess in the making. 

Raising teens is HARD. They are terrible people to live with at times. TERRIBLE. And I do not find myself wondering what Craig would do as much as I did when they were little. He would have no idea just like I have no idea what to do. And that in itself scares me. Most of the time I don't have the little voice anymore of Craig in this season. We remember him often and talk about it but the life that we lived ten years ago looks NOTHING like what we are doing now. We have two dogs, Craig hated dogs. We built a house and it is yellow, that would have NEVER let happened. We go to lake a lot of weekends in the summer. We would not have had those friends in our lives. Hannah Jane is double named and Craig hated double names. I have a workout routine that I never had nor am I sure that I would have made time for it if he was still here. Nothing looks like it did. 

This anniversary hits hard. It just does. I miss him like never before but in a different way because I am not the same person that I was ten year ago. If you have not lost someone close to you, you will not get that. And honestly I hope you don't have the pain of this to understand that. I wonder who he would have been. What would have remained part of him and what would have changed. And I grieve the person I would have been if I got to be married to him for 20 year. I don't know who that person would be but I am sad to say that I will never get to meet her. 

My kids are different people than they would have been. They do not tolerate drama very well. Emily came home from school one day and said, you can tell who really hasn't been through hard things. They do not have the perspective we have which is a blessing and a curse all in one. Hannah has had a hard time with her on and off grief. With the ADHD and the passion behind the force that is HJ it has a hard battle. They play field hockey and volleyball rather than soccer. I am not even sure he would have tolerated our insane schedule. I catch myself in a pity party, "if Craig were here this would be easier" but honestly I am not even sure what life would look like at this point if he were here. We are so far from ten year ago it is hard to say and that is really hard to think through. 

Ten is hard and yes God is good. Our faith has gotten stronger and endure us in a lot of ways but we have had to learn what that looks like now that life without Craig is normal. Our everyday is not as intense as today so our faith looks different than is did in the throws of THE crappiest situation possible (in my opinion). 

Pleases continue to pray for us, that is truly why we are as successfully moving forward as we have been for ten years. 

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, I'm doing my best. It doesn't look like what it would look like if you were still here. I have carried guilt and shame that it is not as good as if you were here and I am so (*%&^%$%$^%) ready to release that. I am doing my best. I know you are proud from afar but there are days that I wish He would have switched us out. You had the patience of Job. I have learned patience, forgiveness and grace in the messiest ways possible you seemed to just be born with those traits. But I am doing my best. You are missed. You are missed in a different way than then years ago but still missed. And you are loved but not in the same way you were ten years ago. My love for you has grown but in a unique way that honestly doesn't have words. Memories are fading and that is hard but we remember who were as a person. I will see you again, once I am done with the work that needs to be done here, I will see you again. Much love, Michelle  

Out of the shadows

Well the time has come to say farewell. I love blogging. I love writing from the heart and bringing glory to God in the process. I am so grateful for the healing that I has taken place on these very pages. But it is time. My friend, Kristen, said it best at lunch today, there comes a point where you are just living life and there is not much to blog about and that is where we are. After much prayer about what 2014 goals should be it has become apparent that is time to step out of the shadows of cancer and grief and just start living. I wish I could blog and do that but unfortunately for me it is like trying to drive a car while looking in the rear-view mirror. It is time to look forward and drive on. There will be times this year that we remember who Craig was and create ways to keep his memory alive. But for the most part is time to concentrate on the present and growing each day. It is time for intentional steps forward. There may be a post or two with picture updates but for the most part this is the end.

Craig's 36th birthday would have been last Friday. I am ready to not dwell on what would have been but to celebrate who he was. We celebrated with DQ Health blizzards, b/c that was his favorite. I want the girls to know everything I can teach them about who Craig was but it has come to a time in this journey that we can't dwell on what "should" have been but celebrate who he was and keep moving forward.

2014 will be about "no excuses." It is time to start living rather than just reacting to our circumstances. My girls deserve a mom that is present. Please don't stop praying for me and girls just b/c I don't maintain the blog. We need your daily prayers still and always will.

Isaiah 43:18-19 Forget about what's happened. Don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand new. It is bursting out, don't you see it.

Craig, if there are blogs in heaven, I love you, I miss you and I will see you again. Love you.

Matthew West - Into The Light

for KING & COUNTRY - Baby Boy

I love this song for the Christmas season. I went to a grief workshop for the surviving the holidays back in November. The main thing that I took away from it was the Jesus came to end our suffering. God put Him on this earth to teach us how to live in Peace and Joy and SAVE us from this world with so much suffering. Although He didn't take away, cancer, divorce, all the heartaches of this world but He did much more by giving us Hope for the future. Some people have said that the second year without someone during the holidays is harder b/c you expect it to be better than the first. I am bracing myself for that but at the same time, reminding myself of the reason for the season. I still have a lot to celebrate this year. We have a lot to hope for in the future b/c He came to end our suffering. He ended Craig's suffering and he lives in paradise. When we talk about heaven at church I get very jealous. I am so jealous that Craig is already enjoying Christmas in heaven and I have to wait to see it. There are times when I see it the other way too. Hannah was talking about what she wanted for Christmas and he will never get to be apart of those conversations. She wasn't even talking when he was alive. So there are two ways to look at it. Either way we are both so blessed. I am blessed to be able to be here with the girls, be hopeful for the future and yearn for heaven. He already gets to live in the presence of the Lord and his suffering has ended. That is why Jesus came so that we could have an abundant life of enjoying the earthly blessing that we have today and to yearn for the ultimate blessing of living in heaven. That is something to celebrate!!

The Christmas season has not been bad this year. I think I have been too busy to think about it. October was rough and I think maybe I got a lot of it out of my system then. I am content with the life that I have and hopeful for the future. I give all the glory to God for that. Without Him we would be lost.

Isaiah 9:6 A child is born to us! A son is given to us! And he will be our ruler. He will be called, Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

This year He has done hours and hours of counseling to heal this single mom, He has always remained strong, determined, patient and loving. He has brought Peace beyond understanding to our home. That is something to celebrate. We could dwell on Craig not being with us or we can focus on what the true meaning of the season is. For King and Country came to SE last weekend. They were so good. It was amazing to get to hear this song live since it rings so true this year. The first two lines of the song above ring true for this home. He is our cure.

Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, enjoy Christmas. You are missed, loved and we look forward to the day that we get to celebrate together again. Until then we will enjoy the blessings He provides. Love you. Merry Christmas.

Emily's 8th Birthday

Emily turned 8 last Friday. I cannot believe that it has been 8 years since we lived in the little house in Willow Creek. She was a great baby and has always been a great sister. This year her birthday really wasn't as hard as Hannah's was this summer. Maybe it is just b/c Hannah's birthday is so close to Father's Day it is hard to catch my breath in between the two. We have been so busy around here. We went to Chicago for Thanksgiving I feel like we are have been going non-stop since we got back. They may another reason why Emily's birthday is easy as far as doing it without Craig. I am just too busy to even think about it.

She had three friends over for a sleepover which was so fun until 2:00 in the morning when Morgan unveiled the stomach bug. We had to cut the party short in the morning when everyone woke up. So we missed out on the pancake breakfast. But Friday night we played games at Incredible Dave's, went to dinner, decorated gingerbread houses, watched a movie and did mani's and pedi's with green and red nail polish. Great girl time.

Dinner with the girls

Watching a movie and getting ready to do pedis and manis

Tis the season

Hannah's performance at VG

Walking off stage

Sisters after the performance



Hannah at Donuts with Santa

Really thinking about what she wants from Santa. (probably my favorite Christmas picture EVER)

Hannah and Santa

Thanksgiving Weekend

picking out Uncle Brad's Christmas tree



Riding the bus to Michigan Ave.

Riding the bus to Michigan Ave.

LegoLand

Watching the Thanksgiving Day Parade (Freezing)

Riding the train after Starbucks and the parade

Pictures with Rapunzel play


Sorry for the delay in an update. October was rough for a lot of reason that I don't want to go into. It took quite a bit to dig myself out. Most times of extended grief I felt stronger when I came out of it. I am getting there but this time was a little different. The thing about the second year without someone is that normal seems to settle in. The intensity of barreling through the first is over but the dull pain of this is it? really?! is evident. We are so blessed in so many ways. We have friends and supportive family coming out of our ears. Acquaintances still email with supportive and encouraging messages. We are so blessed but there are times it just takes a pause to learn how to breathe again. Since my last post I have just taken time to surround myself with things that help build strength. There were several nights that I wanted to update the blog but went to bed early or read a book. I shut off a lot of stuff to just focus on getting back on track.

This weekend we are in Chicago. We went down to Michigan Ave. to visit the American Girl store, LEGOLAND and then Disney Store. Thanksgiving morning we were up bright and early and heading out in 19 degrees all bundled up. We watched the parade until I thought I was going to lose some toes to frost bite and then headed into Starbucks to thaw out and a bathroom break then back out to just catch the grand finale: Santa Claus. We walked around Christkindle market to search for the most fabulous ornaments. We found a couple small ones (hello expensive). We cooked and decorated Brad's Christmas tree with all homemade ornaments. Today we headed out to see the play Rapunzel. Everyone really enjoyed it and the cast was so sweet afterward. Tonight we are going to see the Christmas light at the Lincoln Park Zoo. We hope to see Santa there too. We haven't been able to talk with him yet.

I will update the blog again soon. I have several prayer request for the new year. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.


Craig, If there are blogs in heaven, we miss you, we love you, we will see you again.